Born to Bondage query III - a new direction

[GaoYuQing]

Please ignore this post and refer to Born to Bondage query II. I don't want to be accused of cluttering up the forum. Any moderators feel free to delete this

Ok, after listening to and pondering over the great feedback I've recieved from the wonderful people on here, I have worked through version after version of my query. If I wasn't already bald, I would be now. How is it that trying to write a 300-word tidbit can be so much harder than writing the book it's trying to describe?! Anyways I've got 3 different versions I'm considering (and I got them all to under 300 words!). One is a revised version of what I've already posted, with issues (hopefully) addressed and smoothed out, another trying a different tack, focusing more on my MC's inner journey and struggle--but I find it too boring. The third version, which I'd like to hang from the dartboard of this thread, is a different beast entirely, written from a different point of the story with a new perspective. Fire away.

Paul Neilsson is at the end of his rope quite literally. He has been hung from a post by the Banshee—a demonic being who had snatched him from death’s door for purposes of her own. His body was to labor in her mines, his soul was for her to drink dry of every scrap of fear that could be wrung from it. Now he is being sentenced for acting upon the last ounce of defiance he had been able to muster, a fate that would make all that had come before—a life filled with failure followed by slavery on an alien world—pale in comparison. Helplessly awaiting his fate, everything is changed by the sudden arrival of a giant sorceress driving a monster-drawn wagon. Her name is Dawn and she will save him, but her price is that he will serve as her slave instead.

So begins Paul’s sojourn through a kaleidoscope of worlds, sought after and claimed by monsters both human and alien, as well as powers that approach the divine. Along the way he becomes servant, traitor, victim and savior each in turn. Helped by the magic of his new Mistress—a being of immense power and compassion, but even greater mystery--even his body remakes itself to fit the changes taking place in his soul.

As Paul strives to answer the questions posed by this fresh chance at life, he finds himself thrust unknowingly into struggles that will affect the fate of millions and the future of worlds. But the greatest enemy he faces during his travels comes not from outside, but from within. And in the end he learns that it is only when you surrender your life that you find it.


PS I'm not too concerned about the address and personal info sections (well that's not entirely true about the latter since I have no meaningful publishments to my name) so I've only posted the part of the query that's giving me the most grief. My biggest worry about this version is that it pretty much glosses right over the first two chapters, especially the first one, but it solves other problems that have come up over the course of these reviews. Credit to Wilderness for suggesting this solution.

[GaoYuQing]

BADUMP BUMP

[Quill]

Aside from the query itself, I like to see all your versions kept in one thread, just we can follow the progression, and so the main query page doesn't get cluttered with various threads representing one project. You can announce new versions by going into the opening post to edit the title ("new version up!") but otherwise our tradition at Bransforums is to generally just tack new versions in line in the thread. Thanks! Believe me, they will be seen!

[GaoYuQing]

Oops...apologies. Once again I wish I could delete threads instead of posts. Moving now.