Crystal Shade: Angeni, Vol 1 - Opening #2 (Fantasy Excerpt)

[Guardian]

I've made a little rewrite based on the beta feedbacks. It's not final as I'm intending to make one final rewrite, but I'm curious to know your opinion about the present version's opening (1st page). What for I'm truly curious; would you read it further after the first page or not.

NEW VERSION BELOW. - The new parts are in Bold where (I added few more pages to show how I'm intending to present the storytelling.). I hope the first paragraph is creating some early conflict on Page 1. If this is still not enough, please tell me and I head back to the drawing board. Also if it's slow, it's maybe going to be for some people, please also tell me. I'd like to find the appropriate balance.

[J. T. SHEA]

Would I read on after this first page? Yes. Others might not. Why? Lack of action. I dislike assessing any novel from a single page, but you have posted in ALL THINGS WRITING about a lack of conflict and tension in the opening chapters.

What actually happens in this page? An old man talks to himself while admiring the night sky from a balcony. He (re?)enters a large hall. He admires the decor, particular images of fighting angels and demons on columns surrounding a crystal and a kind of model of a galaxy. All quite interesting.

Not many questions can be answered in one page, but we will soon need to know more. Also, the style seems peculiar, mannered, detailed but remote. That may turn out to be appropriate to the story, or at least the opening of the story.

Crystal Shade: Angeni, Volume 1, Chapter 1 Excerpt

'Thousands of stars could tell thousands of stories,' whispered the old man with a gentle smile. 'I hope others also see (HEAR? READ?) the story of our beautiful star.'

Decades creased the countenance of the weary old man. (FULL STOP?) as He propped himself at the balcony, the silky wind ruffling his grey hair. His aged eyes never tired of the stars that pierced the infinite night sky. His sigh as soft as the night breeze, the old man pulled his robe tighter around him before he wandered away from the balcony.

Slippered feet chafed against the cold stone floor as as he shuffled to the middle of the large hall. Images of fighting angels and demons in the agony of their long forgotten war adorned the eleven immense columns surrounding a strange chrono device.

Thousands of energy orbs formed the mass of a miniature but majestic galaxy under the tip of the long tapered crystal shard. Each star, a shiny orb, in this chrono device had a different color. Sapphire, orange, red, green, and purple were just a few among countless other colors without a known name. Clear and bright, the shard hovered untethered over the middle of this tiny world like some large mystical sundial.

The little galaxy gracefully turned between the stalwart columns. It seemed so peaceful and magnificent, but its true purpose was hidden behind its enchanting mask. The shard's polished surface mirrored the tired face of the old man that (WHO) watched the device with endless respect. His eyes focused on the shadow of the sundial, which slowly crept around the crystal shard. The shadow didn't come from the sun, which slept beyond the horizon as night stood silent sentry outside. It came from the shard itself. Even now, some of the orbs within the crystal's untouchable dark shadow slowly changed color.

[Guardian]

Thanks. Geez. How did I miss those mistakes? Good catch.

Now, actually this guy is the storyteller. He is telling a story, the main story to two kiddos whose are appearing on the next pages. Each chapter has the following setup... 1. Storyteller, 2. Story about the MC, 3. Storyteller, 4. next chapter, then repeat the same process from #1.

ALL THINGS WRITING about a lack of conflict and tension in the opening chapters.

Yeah, I know. Actually I'm just reworking the conflicts in the first Chapter, but actually I love to set up a story, give a background to the actions before any sort of mindless action would take place.

My personal opinion; if someone wants to read a mindless, trendy-cliché action script, well that reader must grab another novel. This story is skipping the mindless, cliché action beginnings (which usually has no true purpose at all, other than grab the attention). I rather try to tell a full, complex and rewarding story from the beginning to the end on the old fashioned way. Well, at least this is my philosophy. :) Personally I hate the... oooooooooh, the novel must start with a non-sense, non-stop action, because it ultimately sells (And ultimately makes the story to a cliché with the very same move.). I'm intending to keep this novel intelligent and I try to leave the nice, trendy clichés out of it... including the non-stop action beginning. Maybe not the best decision, but I believe this world can live without it. :) But thanks for noticing.

'Thousands of stars could tell thousands of stories,' whispered the old man with a gentle smile. 'I hope others also see (HEAR? READ?) the story of our beautiful star.'

Actually, that must be "see", as the stars are telling their stories with their light. At least this is how I meant that part

[J. T. SHEA]

Thanks for the background info, Guardian. Action need not be mindless, cliche, or purposeless, of course. I was referring to the lack of conflict and tension you have already mentioned elsewhere. Perhaps I am calling for background and mindful action simultaneously. And action need not be physical violence.

[Guardian]

Ah, got it. Sorry. I misunderstood. Yep. I'm working on it. The question is, what sort of conflict should be good here? Maybe I should mention the old champ feels it's going to be his last night and he waits to pass... or something like that (Is it an internal conflict, right?). In your opinion would this solve the problem on Page 1?

[J. T. SHEA]

If the old man thinks he is about to die, that would indeed introduce conflict and tension, if he, or someone else, is conflicted and tense about his dying.

[Guardian]

Million thanks! In this case I believe I already know how to solve it. I must rearrange the order of some scene in the beginning. Well, let's hope it's going to work out.

[Guardian]

Okay. Let's try with some internal conflicts. The new parts are in Bold where (I added few more pages to show how I'm intending to present the storytelling.). I hope the first paragraph is creating some early conflict on Page 1. If this is still not enough, please tell me and I head back to the drawing board. Also if it's slow, it's maybe going to be for some people, please also tell me. I'd like to find the appropriate balance.

CRYSTAL SHADE: ANGENI, VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 1

“Thousands of stars could tell thousands of stories,” whispered the old man with a gentle smile. “I hope others also see the story of our beautiful star.”

Decades creased the countenance of the weary old man. He propped himself at the balcony, the silky wind ruffling his grey hair. His aged eyes never tired of the stars that pierced the infinite night sky. But despite the beautiful skyscape, his soul, which desired endless peace, was restless. He had one final thing that he had promised ages ago still unfulfilled; to share the past with those living in the present. A long held secret, a story to tell. Sorrow embraced him as he knew as the sun will set to greet a new day, one unheard story will pass along with him to vanish for the eternity. And the time was close.

His sigh as soft as the night breeze, the old man pulled his robe tighter around him before he wandered away from the balcony. Slippered feet chafed against the cold stone floor as he shuffled to the middle of the large hall. Images of fighting angels and demons in the agony of their long forgotten war adorned the eleven immense columns surrounding a strange chrono device.

Thousands of energy orbs formed the mass of a miniature but majestic galaxy under the tip of the long tapered crystal shard. Each star, a shiny orb, in this chrono device had a different color. Sapphire, orange, red, green, and purple were just a few among countless other colors without a known name. Clear and bright, the shard hovered untethered over the middle of this tiny world like some large mystical sundial.

The little galaxy gracefully turned between the stalwart columns. It seemed so peaceful and magnificent, but its true purpose was hidden behind its enchanting mask. The shard’s polished surface mirrored the tired face of the old man who watched the device with endless respect. His eyes focused on the shadow of the sundial, which slowly crept around the crystal shard. The shadow didn’t come from the sun, which slept beyond the horizon as night stood silent sentry outside. It came from the shard itself. Even now, some of the orbs within the crystal’s untouchable dark shadow slowly changed color.

The old man closed his eyes for a moment. He was still in the hall, but his mind was far away in a forgotten world.

Majestic golden and silver eagle shaped craft appeared in the bright blue sky to fly in formation under the beautiful brilliance of the sapphire sun, its eternal glow reflected from their metal bodies and sectioned wings. The craft dove into battle against hideous dark flying creatures. Like dozens of sleek predatory birds, they fought against the evil web-winged enemies. Hunted down one by one, the metal bird craft were ripped to pieces and their wrecks left to explode in the hot white sands where another battle raged.

Among the white dunes, brave winged warriors and humans in their shiny armor battled desperately with their crystal weapons against the Reapers of Darkness. The old man could still see the eyes of the fallen that knew they had no chance for survival, but were determined to die with courage. Dignity filled their eyes, even in their last moments seeing the blade of death before it struck them down. They never surrendered, forcing their demonic enemies to fight for every inch of their land. They knew to retreat or beg for mercy meant undignified death. They were doomed, and yet they never failed to face their destiny.

This vision was banished by a bright flash, to be replaced by another. The old man stood in the middle of the crystal shard. Alone. Intense white light surrounded his body, young and healthy once more. An illusion of his blurred memory, he felt energy strings from the crystal tentatively run over his body and embraced him like a caring mother with her beloved child. He knew the energy strings would not harm him. His consciousness became one with the crystal. Alas, this was a long time ago, maybe in another life. Everything around him became a blur, and voices echoed in his mind as the crystal shard forced him to remember.

“No one comes back from there alive,” a wise voice emerged with certainty.

“That is my rightful place!” shouted a distorted, demented voice. “How dare you, puppet!”

“I’m sick of people dying because of you! This ends not just for the next Crystal Shade! But forever!” his own young voice shouted.

“I will be with you. Always,” whispered a kind female voice that flooded the old man with endless love.

The touch of love snapped the old man back to reality. He sighed as he studied the crystal chrono device. One of the red orbs shaded by the crystal suddenly changed to azure blue. The shadow of the crystal was forced away from that area. The old man’s fond smile returned.

“You never rest, old friend. You never rest,” his soft voice addressed the crystal. “Our destiny ties us together. We will meet again. Soon.”

At the light flicker of soft footsteps behind him accompanied by a stifled chuckle behind one of the columns, the old man’s head bowed slowly. As he took his steps and approached the column, his memories rushed to break to the surface.

In his mind, he was young again and stepped between the shadowed columns of a beautiful dark temple. The sapphire sun streamed into the large hall in stripes through the stone balcony and window casements. The chuckling of a young woman caught his attention. When her silhouette passed between two columns, he tried to follow until her silhouette disappeared. Silence. His eyes slowly scanned the slick rune-covered columns and noticed the shadows of the woman at the corner of a pillar. He moved ahead in silence to catch her from behind, an age-old game they had played forever. As he reached her still, dark silhouette, the woman dissolved in his arms and his memories as he tried to hold her.

Outwitted again, the old man hung his head. There was no hiding the loving smile that broke his heart anew. He did not want to remember. While most of his memories gave him happiness, some only caused pain. This was one of them.

He heard the muffled chuckle of a child once again from behind the closest column.

“I got you,” he crowed as he looked behind the stone pillar. But no one was there.

“No! We got you!” a little girl shouted victoriously from behind him.

The old man raised his hands and slowly turned around, his loving smile stretched into a grin that only a grandfather could achieve. “I give up.”

The little girl and boy who tricked him stood right in front of him, grinning in merry conquest.

“You may consider yourself the prisoner of the Knight of the Light,” the young boy proclaimed, his wooden sword pointed at the old man’s belly.

“Oh, I’m too old to be a prisoner, young knight,” responded the old man.

The boy and the girl looked at each other, and then the girl stepped forward and crossed her arms.

“On behalf of Princess of the Celestials—just to make that clear, that’s me...” She pointed at herself proudly, “You may redeem yourself, prisoner. For a prize.” Then she could not stop an impish grin up at the old man as he played along.

Amused, the old man shook his head and smiled. He recognized the girl’s behavior, and her mischievous smile, too. The little one has learned, rather, inherited this behavior from someone who meant everything to the old man.

“And what would that prize be, little Princess?” he asked with a curious glance at the child.

“Tell us a story,” the boy added with a grin not unlike his sister’s.

“A story?”

“Yes. A story about brave knights and be-a-utiful princesses,” the girl added in graceful majesty while she gestured slowly.

This gesture was also so familiar to the old man.

“And war, where valiant heroes are born,” the boy added.

“Can you tell a story about her?” the girl asked wistfully. The young boy nodded his agreement.

[J. T. SHEA]

Interesting, Guardian. Your new flashbacks certainly pour on action, conflict and tension!

I cut and pasted your additions here rather than use the 'quote' function, so please ignore any typos I may have introduced here.

Decades creased the countenance of the weary old man. He propped himself at the balcony, the silky wind ruffling his grey hair. His aged eyes never tired of the stars that pierced the infinite night sky. But despite the beautiful skyscape, his soul, which desired endless peace, was restless. He had one final PROMISE thing that he had MADE promised ages ago still unfulfilled; to share the past with those living in the present. A long held secret, a story to tell. Sorrow embraced him. (FULL STOP?) as He knew, (COMMA?) as the sun will set ROSE to greet a new day, one unheard story will WOULD pass along with him to vanish for the eternity. And the time was close.

The last few sentences read awkwardly, and your tenses don't agree with each other. You might try writing in simpler language first, and elaborating only if necessary to achieve some special effect.

The old man closed his eyes for a moment. He was still in the hall, but his mind was far away in a forgotten world.

Majestic golden and silver eagle shaped craft appeared in the bright blue sky to fly in formation under the beautiful brilliance of the sapphire sun, its eternal glow reflected from their metal bodies and sectioned wings. The craft dove into battle against hideous dark flying creatures. Like dozens of sleek predatory birds, they fought against the evil web-winged enemies. Hunted down one by one, the metal bird craft were ripped to pieces and their wrecks left to explode in the hot white sands where another battle raged.

Be careful of metaphors readers may take literally, particularly in Science Fiction or Fantasy. Some readers might assume the 'craft' are literally made of gold or silver, two metals as structurally poor as they are monetarily valuable! Likewise their appearing 'in the bright blue sun'. I assume the 'bright blue' and sapphire suns are one and the same sun? Not every reader will make that assumption. Comparing aircraft to predatory birds may also trigger confusion when they are fighting flying creatures.

Among the white dunes, brave winged warriors and humans in their shiny armor battled desperately with their crystal weapons against the Reapers of Darkness. The old man could still see the eyes of the fallen, (COMMA?) that WHO knew they had no chance for survival, but were determined to die with courage. Dignity filled their eyes, even in their last moments seeing the blade of death before it struck them down. They never surrendered, forcing their demonic enemies to fight for every inch of their land. They knew to retreat or beg for mercy meant undignified death. They were doomed, and yet they never failed to face their destiny.

This vision was banished by a bright flash, to be replaced by another. The old man stood in the middle of the crystal shard. Alone. Intense white light surrounded his body, young and healthy once more. An illusion of his blurred memory, he felt energy strings from the crystal tentatively run over his body and embraced (PRESENT TENSE) him like a caring mother with her beloved child. He knew the energy strings would not harm him. His consciousness became one with the crystal. Alas, this was a long time ago, maybe in another life. Everything around him became a blur, and voices echoed in his mind as the crystal shard forced him to remember.

"No one comes back from there alive," a wise voice emerged with certainty.

'Emerged' is not a speech tag. Switching the sentences would be better:-
A wise voice emerged with certainty. "No one comes back from there alive," IT DECLARED.

"That is my rightful place!" shouted a distorted, demented voice. "How dare you, puppet!"

"I'm sick of people dying because of you! This ends, (COMMA?) not just for the next Crystal Shade! But forever!" his own young voice shouted.

"I will be with you. Always," whispered a kind female voice that flooded the old man with endless love.

The touch of love snapped the old man back to reality. He sighed as he studied the crystal chrono device. One of the red orbs shaded by the crystal suddenly changed to azure blue. The shadow of the crystal was forced away from that area. The old man's fond smile returned.

"You never rest, old friend. You never rest," his soft voice addressed the crystal. "Our destiny ties us together. We will meet again. Soon."

At The light flicker of soft footsteps behind him WAS accompanied by a stifled chuckle behind one of the columns. (FULL STOP) The old man's head bowed slowly. As He took his steps and approached the column. (FULL STOP) His memories rushed to break to the surface.

The last two sentences read awkwardly, Guardian. If in doubt, break up long sentences. Replacing commas with periods can help.

In his mind, he was young again and stepped between the shadowed columns of a beautiful dark temple. The sapphire sun streamed into the large hall in stripes through the stone balcony and window casements. The chuckling of a young woman caught his attention. When her silhouette passed between two columns, he tried to follow until her silhouette disappeared. Silence. His eyes slowly scanned the slick rune-covered columns and noticed the shadows of the woman at the corner of a pillar. He moved ahead in silence to catch her from behind, an age-old game they had played forever. As he reached her still, dark silhouette, the woman dissolved in his arms and his memories as he tried to hold her.

Outwitted again, the old man hung his head. There was no hiding the loving smile that broke his heart anew. He did not want to remember. While most of his memories gave him happiness, some only caused pain. This was one of them.

He heard the muffled chuckle of a child once again from behind the closest column.

"I got you," he crowed as he looked behind the stone pillar. But no one was there.

"No! We got you!" a little girl shouted victoriously from behind him.

The old man raised his hands and slowly turned around, his loving smile stretched into a grin that only a grandfather could achieve. "I give up."

The little girl and boy who tricked him stood right in front of him, grinning in merry conquest.

"You may consider yourself the prisoner of the Knight of the Light," the young boy proclaimed, his wooden sword pointed at the old man's belly.

"Oh, I'm too old to be a prisoner, young knight," responded the old man.

The boy and the girl looked at each other, and then the girl stepped forward and crossed her arms.

"On behalf of Princess of the Celestials - just to make that clear, that's me...' She pointed at herself proudly, "You may redeem yourself, prisoner. For a prize." Then she could not stop an impishLY grinNING up at the old man as he played along.

Amused, the old man shook his head and smiled. He recognized the girl's behavior, and her mischievous smile, too. The little one has HAD learned, rather, inherited this behavior from someone who meant everything to the old man.

"And what would that prize be, little Princess?" he asked with a curious glance at the child.

"Tell us a story," the boy added with a grin not unlike his sister's.

"A story?"

"Yes. A story about brave knights and be-a-utiful princesses," the girl added in graceful majesty while she gestured slowly.

This gesture was also so familiar to the old man.

"And war, where valiant heroes are born," the boy added.

"Can you tell a story about her?" the girl asked wistfully. The young boy nodded his agreement.

You're on the right track. Your dialogue reads better than your descriptions and internalizations. Your style still seems mannered and enigmatic, but that may be appropriate to your story in a way not yet known to me. And your English is much better than my (non-existent!) Hungarian! I would love to hear what others think of your additions.

[Guardian]

Interesting, Guardian. Your new flashbacks certainly pour on action, conflict and tension!

Thanks. Unfortunately this opening is a bit long. This was only four page, but this entire opening is ten pages long before the actual story would begin at all (And that part is still "chapter one".). So I'm intending to reduce this opening to six pages, before the actual story would begin.

The last few sentences read awkwardly, and your tenses don't agree with each other. You might try writing in simpler language first, and elaborating only if necessary to achieve some special effect.

Those sentences wasn't edited by my editor. I wanted to create a good opening tension first, then comes the final editing.

Be careful of metaphors readers may take literally, particularly in Science Fiction or Fantasy. Some readers might assume the 'craft' are literally made of gold or silver, two metals as structurally poor as they are monetarily valuable! Likewise their appearing 'in the bright blue sun'. I assume the 'bright blue' and sapphire suns are one and the same sun? Not every reader will make that assumption. Comparing aircraft to predatory birds may also trigger confusion when they are fighting flying creatures.

Good observation. The crafts are "gold and silver" colored, but their material is an unnamed material (A silver craft is on my website. That's Art 4. There, it's blue because it's reflecting back the environment.). Oh, and here, gold and silver has no value at all. But comparing the crafts to predatory birds is correct. They can move, act and fight as true predatory birds (This is why I designed this craft and made some CGI animation about it in the first place, to see, is this design is really capable to do that. And it can do everything what is necessary to achieve these actions.).

You're on the right track. Your dialogue reads better than your descriptions and internalizations. Your style still seems mannered and enigmatic, but that may be appropriate to your story in a way not yet known to me. And your English is much better than my (non-existent!) Hungarian! I would love to hear what others think of your additions.

I use mannered and enigmatic style because of the story.

Thank you for your help.