A Lullaby: giving it another shot

[androidblues]

I'll definitely check it out Melissa. I write contemporary YA and fantasy YA. I like Sci Fi, but I'm really bad at writing it. I have a really cool pre apocalyptic idea I'm playing around with though. My strengths are in comedy and romance, although I wish I was better at writing drama and fight scenes. And writing pretty prose. Although I can write a mean Holden Caulfield impersonation.

[priya g.]

thanks for the comments. will begin on the next draft ASAP.

[Melissa LR Handa]

I'll definitely check it out Melissa. I write contemporary YA and fantasy YA. I like Sci Fi, but I'm really bad at writing it. I have a really cool pre apocalyptic idea I'm playing around with though. My strengths are in comedy and romance, although I wish I was better at writing drama and fight scenes. And writing pretty prose. Although I can write a mean Holden Caulfield impersonation.

Pre-apocalyptic? I've heard of post-, but what is pre-? I'm intrigued. My strengths, apparently, lie in writing death, grief, and depression. It's really funny actually, because I'm like the happiest person ever, but I appreciate literature of a dark and cynical nature. I'm not so good at the comedy myself and I'm going to have to learn how to do action in my YA novel--it was never needed in my first novel. Coolios on the HC impression--he's basically the patron saint of YA. Where do you write from? I'm based in Michigan.

Keep at it, Android!

[androidblues]

New Mexico is my writing station although I've been all over. Pre-apocalyptic is basically a society that is on the fringe of some crazy event, whether it be the threat of nuclear war or a virus outbreak. It's a term I've heard used maybe once, like New Adult. I love cynical narrators btw. They are awesome, like Marco from the Animorphs. Though he's more sarcastic than cynical. I wrote a cynical, dark book during the last nanowrimo.

[Melissa LR Handa]

I probably could have figured out your locale by just looking at your profile, eh? Ah, well.

The pre-apocalyptic idea sounds very intriguing. How long have you been writing? How many novels have you attempted and how many completed? Have you started trying for publication on any of them yet?

[androidblues]

I've been writing for maybe 3 years now. I've finished two very bad novels and one decent novella that I'm trying to expand into a novel. I have written a lot of short stories and I have so many unfinished novels it drives me insane thinking about when I'm going to finish them. I have written a lot of fan fictions - most of which are bad although some are decent enough - for Twilight(which I hate, don't ask why I write them), Avatar: The Last Airbender, and The Boondocks. I've only tried to shop around one - I sent out 7 queries this July all of which were rejections but one was personalized. But it doesn't bother me because that query sucked. I'm actually quite ashamed of it. I can post it here if you want a laugh along with the revision. My younger 16 year old self actually thought it was brilliant.

[Melissa LR Handa]

It seems that, as writers, we spend so much time intimately involved with our work that we sometimes are blind to its properties. I honestly had no idea my book was literary fiction until sometime this week! I thought it was up-market (re: somewhat commercial) women's fiction, which it definitely isn't! I only just realized last night, as I was preparing my partial, that my first forty pages are predominantly exposition. When the character, Kashi, comes in, the novel becomes more fast-paced with a lot more dialogue, but that isn't until fifty pages in!

[androidblues]

That sucks right. I had no idea what my book was about until I sat down and tried to write a query. When you have to emotionally distance yourself defining a genre becomes even more difficult. In my book the protag deals with a lot of issues but ultimately I had to boil it down in the query to a romance because the other issues were predominant, I as a writer just wasn't able to make them sounds interesting in a query without turning the book into something I didn't want it to be about.

[priya g.]

Excuse me Android and Melissa, I dont intend to be rude but I set up this topic for my query critique and the past few posts have nothing to do with that. Please use the PM facility. there is another topic for introductions in one of the other forums.

Thanks

[thewhipslip]

Dear Agent,
Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun People, a race that has the ability to absorb fire in their bodies My first reaction is "cool", but my second is, "So? Is that a useful talent?". As she cycles through the phases of reincarnation Explain this. Seems to come out of the blue..., Agora is awed by the exponential progress of the human race, which only she and those like her are able to observe So they're kind of immortal? Give me more. I'm still interested nonetheless. Food didn't satisfy her hunger as much as fire did Hunger for what? Little lost. and there came a day when even flames weren't enough For what?. That was the day she saw Dave Douglas.

Dave is part man, part fish- a merman who walks on two feet yet reminisces the sweet saltiness of the sea. Meeting Agora makes Dave question his loyalty to the sea. There is just something about that diminutive cynical girl that is like coming home.
There’s only one problem- fire and water don't mix This is too obvious of a statement to grab me, and since neither of them is literally water or fire, what's the problem? Give me a better idea of the conflict.

Although the two species have collaborated for years behind the shadows to protect humans from the fatal effects of their elements What are the effects? Be specific - this is the stuff we need to know...the risk, they have never tested the boundaries that separate them from one another Okay, good.

Upon being discovered, Agora and Dave are sentenced to a fate worse than death- decomposition, an end to their existence forever, a painful demise I get it. Cut the "painful demise" bit. Azarus, the Minister of the Sun People, stands to support their love and secretly plans their escape to Antarctica.

Now, Dave has to decide between an agonizing end and a life as good as hell frozen over.[/quote]
It seems like you're trying to wrap things up in a neat bow at the end of the query. Don't. It's meant to entice, not solve. If Azarus is helping them, then what's really in their way? Be specific about who's chasing them. Also, you start with Agora and end with Dave. Whose novel is this?

Overall, I'm intrigued. Sounds great. Just need a few more specifics.

[wordranger]

I am by far NOT a query expert.... I've got one of my own being revised on this blog... But I have to say I kind of liked this.
I liked the way it sounds like you are just trying to tell people what your story is about... like you just ran into an old friend and are discussing it over a cup of coffee.

Yes, tighten it up a little, and tell us more, but I think you are going in the right direction.

[priya g.]

Dear Agent,
Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun People, a race that has the ability to absorb fire in their bodies My first reaction is "cool", but my second is, "So? Is that a useful talent?". As she cycles through the phases of reincarnation Explain this. Seems to come out of the blue..., Agora is awed by the exponential progress of the human race, which only she and those like her are able to observe So they're kind of immortal? Give me more. I'm still interested nonetheless. Food didn't satisfy her hunger as much as fire did Hunger for what? Little lost. and there came a day when even flames weren't enough For what?. That was the day she saw Dave Douglas.

Dave is part man, part fish- a merman who walks on two feet yet reminisces the sweet saltiness of the sea. Meeting Agora makes Dave question his loyalty to the sea. There is just something about that diminutive cynical girl that is like coming home.
There’s only one problem- fire and water don't mix This is too obvious of a statement to grab me, and since neither of them is literally water or fire, what's the problem? Give me a better idea of the conflict.

Although the two species have collaborated for years behind the shadows to protect humans from the fatal effects of their elements What are the effects? Be specific - this is the stuff we need to know...the risk, they have never tested the boundaries that separate them from one another Okay, good.

Upon being discovered, Agora and Dave are sentenced to a fate worse than death- decomposition, an end to their existence forever, a painful demise I get it. Cut the "painful demise" bit. Azarus, the Minister of the Sun People, stands to support their love and secretly plans their escape to Antarctica.

Now, Dave has to decide between an agonizing end and a life as good as hell frozen over.

It seems like you're trying to wrap things up in a neat bow at the end of the query. Don't. It's meant to entice, not solve. If Azarus is helping them, then what's really in their way? Be specific about who's chasing them. Also, you start with Agora and end with Dave. Whose novel is this?

Overall, I'm intrigued. Sounds great. Just need a few more specifics.[/quote]

I see where the problem is- I cant seem to explain the 'aaw' part of their identities.I will work around that.
did the bit about Dave being a mermaid in the human form?
I will expand on their differences a bit more in the next draft!

I am by far NOT a query expert.... I've got one of my own being revised on this blog... But I have to say I kind of liked this.
I liked the way it sounds like you are just trying to tell people what your story is about... like you just ran into an old friend and are discussing it over a cup of coffee.

Yes, tighten it up a little, and tell us more, but I think you are going in the right direction.

Thanks! i will work on the voice a bit more, its very much like how i explain the concept to all the people i manage to nail down for a moment!