Excerpt - The End Begins - Science Fiction/Fantasy

[jzweig]

Bang ~ Went something mechanical and large. The sound stirred the female student like a startled sleeping beast, and bolted up to a sitting position. She removed the large silk hood from her face. Light struck natural red irises’ that snapped to the holographic sundial.
It was Noon.

She groaned, annoyed as she pulled herself out of bed, her hair still covered in a large silk hood, and went to her window to a motor cart that had died outside of her window. It’s engine smoked as student and security gathered around to deal with the situation. She hated the contraptions and avoided using them whenever possible. Though after long hours of study, she would give in to their use.
She took a deep breath as her gaze took in the horizon of the closed community as sun's light over the glistening dark volcanic glass lathered over the mountains just outside the community walls.

The nine modern dormitories, each stacked at least three tiers high, had a sense of proper age and instilled wisdom in their construction. Sold and reliable, even in this modern world they remained strong. Then she heard something else coming, another engine foreign to her ears, and coming from overhead.
Her eyes locked onto a private jet, colored in blue and gray, as it slowly passed overhead and descended on the opposite end of the campus. It had the the attention of most of the occupants of the campus courtyard, until it landed, leaving their sight, by the necromancy community sector.
She turned back, sat on the window sil, and observed the light as it illuminated her overloaded dorm room.

[Krista G.]

Bang ~ Went something mechanical and large. I think "large and mechanical" would flow better than "mechanical and large," but that could just be me. The sound stirred the female student like a startled sleeping beast, and she bolted up to a sitting position upright. Also, I'd change "the female student" to her name. She removed the large silk hood from her face. Light struck natural red irises’ that snapped to the holographic sundial. Unless you're writing in third person omniscient (which is a much tougher narrative style to pull off, I think), this line slips out of the female student's POV. She wouldn't be able to see her own eyes.

It was noon.

She groaned, annoyed as she pulled herself out of bed, her hair still covered in a large silk hood, and went to her window. to a motor cart that had died outside of her window A motor cart had died outside of it. That's still a little rough, but you get the idea. The previous phrase sounded awkward to me. It’s Its engine smoked as student students and security gathered around to deal with the situation. She hated the contraptions and avoided using them whenever possible. Though after long hours of study, she would give in to their use. This last sentence feels more like a parenthetical aside than a part of the main narrative.

She took a deep breath as her gaze took in the horizon of the closed community as sun's light over the glistening dark volcanic glass lathered over the mountains just outside the community walls. Holy prepositional phrases, Batman! You might want to split this up into at least two sentences or, better yet, cut down on some of this description.

The nine modern dormitories, each stacked at least three tiers high, had a sense of proper age and instilled wisdom in their construction. Sold and reliable, even in this modern world, they remained strong. Then she heard something else coming, another engine foreign to her ears, and coming from overhead. The last sentence here feels unnecessarily wordy.

Her eyes locked onto a private blue and gray jet, colored in blue and gray, as it slowly passed overhead and descended on the opposite end of the campus. It had the the attention of most of the occupants of the campus courtyard, until it landed, leaving their sight, by the necromancy community sector.

She turned back, sat on the window sil windowsill, and observed the light as it illuminated her overloaded dorm room.

The main thing that stuck out to me about this excerpt was the fact that it started with a character waking up. There's got to be a more dynamic place to start this. Could the female student be out on the grounds when the jet lands? Could she follow it, find out what's going on? Her apparent lack of interest after it disappears from view all but kills the tension you built by introducing it in the first place.

Good luck with this.

[wordranger]

I've recently went through a complete re-write of the beginning of my novel, and I thought I was about to start querying, so this was a major "step back" for me, but I am thrilled with the results.

You may want to do the same. I agree with Krista... The opening with the girl waking up seems a bit weak. I also found it odd that she doesn't have a name. Is she not important enough to have a name?

I like the world you've created, but maybe open somewhere where there is some action, and describe this neat setting inter-dispersed in the action. That will keep your reader interested. From this page, I don't get the sense of the "Promise" to the reader about what your novel is about.

One of the guest bloggers a few weeks ago when Nathan was out ( I think it was the second day) wrote a great blog about the Promise of the first chapter. If you haven't read it, take a look. It really changed my outlook.

Like I said, you have a really cool sounding world here... make me want to read more about it.

Good luck!

[jzweig]

You may want to do the same. I agree with Krista... The opening with the girl waking up seems a bit weak. I also found it odd that she doesn't have a name. Is she not important enough to have a name?

I suppose some of my screenwriting training coming in here. I don't like to give a name until someone or something says it. But I'll try to change that.

[Aurlumen]

I feel like the first sentence would read better if it said "Something large and mechanical went bang." The sound stirred the female student like a startled sleeping beast [I feel like 'stirred' creates the image that she awoke slowly or in a calm state. You can just say she was startled awake and bolted up into a sitting position], and bolted up to a sitting position.

I also have to say that at several times during reading this I'm confused at what's going on. I don't know if that's maybe intentional so that you can release information slowly or not but it's kind of distracting. Like I don't understand what is with the silk hood; maybe you want to mention what it's used for? "Light struck natural red irises' that snapped to the holographic sundial." I had to read that several times to realize that you were talking about the MC. In theory if you said 'struck her natural red irises' I might get the idea (no apostrophe after irises), though I agree with the other reviewer that this sentence goes into wrong pov.

The sundial (esp. it being a holograph) seems out of place, but that could be because we have no prior evidence that this is set somewhere in the future (am I right in this?). Also since we are unfamiliar with such things existing, it would be helpful to mention where this sundial is, it helps create the image you're going for.

"She hated the contraptions and avoided using them whenever possible. Though after long hours of study, she would give in to their use." Since the audience doesn't know what these 'contraptions' are or what they are used for these sentences don't really make sense or have any meaning. Or maybe it's better just to mention the contraptions and not mention that she doesn't like using them, etc. and leave that for later on.

"had a sense of proper age and instilled wisdom in their construction. " Not sure what this is supposed to mean.

"Sold and reliable, even in this modern world they remained strong." Is this intentional? It sounds like in the 'modern world' buildings are not strong.

Should 'necromancy community sector' be capitalized?

Also in the last sentence of the excerpt she's watching this light fill her room. Nothing previously hinted to the fact that there was a light at all. Is it coming from the jet or the sunset? (Btw if this *is* set sometime in the future the fact that there's a 'jet' doesn't really add to that affect.)

It would also be interesting to have an idea of how she's feeling upon seeing the jet since she doesn't recognize it. So is she scared upon seeing it? Curious?

So yeah the wording in several places seems a bit off but I think the other review nailed most of it. Good luck! The world you created sounds interesting enough ;)