The Whip-Slip query

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androidblues
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by androidblues » September 30th, 2010, 6:43 pm

This query gets kind of confusing towards the end, and I think that something besides the slips and the whips should be used for your villains. Something more menacing. The names Tully and Thea are also easy to mix up, and Tully sounds sort of strange for a teen in this day and time. My opinion though but I've read many a book dissing Prince Po in Seven Kingdoms. Best to go for normal names like Andrew or whatever sometimes unless it has specific meaning.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

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Quill
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by Quill » September 30th, 2010, 7:16 pm

Another reason they are easily mixed up is that neither is instantly recognizable as male or female. Thea is like Theo and Tully could be female or male, so we don't have clear gender markers, besides the similarity in first letter and word length.

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androidblues
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by androidblues » October 1st, 2010, 11:15 am

Quill wrote:Another reason they are easily mixed up is that neither is instantly recognizable as male or female. Thea is like Theo and Tully could be female or male, so we don't have clear gender markers, besides the similarity in first letter and word length.
This is exactly what I meant.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

priya g.
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by priya g. » October 5th, 2010, 5:13 pm

The students and faculty of Waltham High School have had a lot of incidents lately – broken legs, allergic reactions, nosebleeds, heart palpitations – and they’re beginning to think 17-year-old Thea Vans has something to do with it PERFECT BEGINNING.

They’re not wrong.

Thea’s always been able to hurt or heal with a single touch. Bruises, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken legs, or brings blissful sleep. Not even her best friend, Tully, knew about the powers – until Left-Hander came along, the new and inexplicable voice in her head. And Left-Hander controls the powers now HOW ABOUT PUTTING THIS SENTENCE IN THE NEXT LINE AS A 'PARAGRAPH ON ITS OWN'?.

Unfortunately for Thea, Left-Hander prefers hurting to healing. Thea can’t stop her when she decides to punish someone - and HOW ABOUT REPLACING AND WITH 'FOR'? it doesn’t take much to annoy Left-Hander.

Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them BUT IF HE LIKES TO HURT OTHERS, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO FIGHT THEM?, but doing so lands her in the middle of a war between the soldiers of Life and the soldiers of Death. A war where Thea is the weapon of mass destruction.

If either side finds out what she is, thousands will die – but her best friend is injured in the attack on the park and taken by the soldiers of Life SO ARE THEY THE GOOD GUYS OR THE BAD ONES? THIS SENTENCE DOESNT SEEM TO TIE IN. HOW ABOUT SHIFTING IT TO THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH, MAYBE THAT IS WHAT INCITED LEFT-HANDER TO FIGHT ETC. Thea follows with the hope that if she hides her abilities, maybe they’ll both make it through alive.

If Left-Hander can cooperate.

THE WHIP-SLIP is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words. This will fit well alongside the works of your clients xxx & xxxx.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Good job! definite improvement from previous versions!

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androidblues
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by androidblues » October 6th, 2010, 11:44 am

Question, are the teenagers possessed by left hander like beings? If so, why fight them if they are suffering just as much as Thea? Should she help them instead? I'm not really understanding the fight between life and death either. It seems to have just come out of left field. Why would life and death fight anyway? Hera and Hades don't fight. Ra and Osiris don't fight. Please provide a really good reason as to why they fight more than just the standard good and evil thing.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

thewhipslip
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by thewhipslip » October 6th, 2010, 1:54 pm

Thanks for everyone's comments! The query has been reworked to something I'm pleased with. I actually had an agent contact me this morning asking for pages - she'd seen my query posted on the AW forums and was intrigued. Could not have gotten there without the help on here, so thanks again!
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

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androidblues
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by androidblues » October 6th, 2010, 2:17 pm

Good luck, maybe we'll see your book in stores next year.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

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Quill
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by Quill » October 6th, 2010, 4:08 pm

thewhipslip wrote:Thanks for everyone's comments! The query has been reworked to something I'm pleased with. I actually had an agent contact me this morning asking for pages - she'd seen my query posted on the AW forums and was intrigued. Could not have gotten there without the help on here, so thanks again!
I'm liking that version over there a lot. Good luck with the querying!

priya g.
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Re: The Whip-Slip query

Post by priya g. » October 8th, 2010, 5:12 pm

thewhipslip wrote:Thanks for everyone's comments! The query has been reworked to something I'm pleased with. I actually had an agent contact me this morning asking for pages - she'd seen my query posted on the AW forums and was intrigued. Could not have gotten there without the help on here, so thanks again!
congrats!

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