The writing process, writing advice, and updates on your work in progress
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Suzie F.
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- Joined: June 9th, 2010, 4:19 pm
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by Suzie F. » August 16th, 2010, 6:59 pm
kymberry wrote:
From my finished (woo!) MG fantasy
My new Cursed life began four days after my eleventh birthday.
Congratulations on finishing, kymberry. I wanted to comment on yours because I write MG too. I like your first line and would want to keep reading. I'd give it an 8 or 9.
Here's mine from my current WIP, a contemporary MG:
Girls named Felicity should not be allowed to play tag football with boys, especially withTimothy Williams.
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hulbertsfriend
- Posts: 69
- Joined: July 13th, 2010, 6:44 pm
- Location: New Mexico
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by hulbertsfriend » August 19th, 2010, 1:31 pm
Name of Novel - Devin Briar
Life had a way of being whatever the moment intended, not what Devin Briar desired.
"All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss." Douglas Adams
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TigerGray
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by TigerGray » August 26th, 2010, 2:39 pm
henyad wrote:thecolour wrote:Yea! First post. Anyway, I'm kind of hating it right now, but here it is.
"At the end of a very short lane sits a very large house with far too many windows and hardly any doors. "
Shorten the sentence. i suggest you cut out the "very" and the "far" and what does "hardly" mean? 2 doors? one door?
Has great promise.
I actually think following this suggestion would kill the voice. The repeated words gives me a very fairy tale feel.
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craig
- Posts: 118
- Joined: February 13th, 2010, 11:33 am
- Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
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by craig » August 30th, 2010, 3:15 pm
First sentence from my (almost finished) WIP -- as you'll see, it's sci-fi...
"The dusky sunset gleamed off the tops of the habitat domes, strewn about the surface of Mars like a cluster of acne."
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Diamonte
- Posts: 14
- Joined: August 28th, 2010, 1:03 pm
- Location: Wisconsin
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by Diamonte » August 30th, 2010, 6:23 pm
"The dusky sunset gleamed off the tops of the habitat domes, strewn about the surface of Mars like a cluster of acne."
Your opening sentence makes me curious about what the rest of your manuscript would be like. When I read the first half, I thought it sounded vaguely like purple prose. And then the final simile shattered that image.
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sierramcconnell
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- Joined: August 23rd, 2010, 10:28 pm
- Location: BG, KY
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by sierramcconnell » August 31st, 2010, 3:56 pm
Oh, goodness...
Here is mine:
The steel sword was heavy in his hands and pulled on his already taxed arms.
Aaaaand in saying that, I realize I called his sword iron in another section. [goes to correct]
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djpaterson
- Posts: 4
- Joined: September 3rd, 2010, 7:05 pm
- Location: England
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by djpaterson » September 3rd, 2010, 7:27 pm
From my YA novel, Depot 753:
Despite having spent the afternoon dreading its arrival, the harsh sound of the bell caught James by surprise, and it took a moment for him to realise where he was.
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stephmcgee
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- Joined: August 16th, 2010, 12:44 pm
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by stephmcgee » September 16th, 2010, 11:03 pm
"Lanna stifled another yawn, one of many her day-to-day living produced." That's from the book I've just begun.
"Every ounce of flesh vibrated with the motion of his bomber." That one is from the book out with a beta right now.
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Louise Curtis
- Posts: 88
- Joined: September 24th, 2010, 7:48 pm
- Location: Canberra, Australia
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by Louise Curtis » September 24th, 2010, 8:12 pm
I'll be interpreting "sentence" as "paragraph". This is the beginning of book 1 of my kids' fantasy adventure trilogy.
THE MONSTER APPRENTICE
I awoke from a dead sleep – for once, a sleep without nightmares. My bedroom was pitch black and silent, but my heart was racing. Then the sound came again – a man shouting at the top of his voice. He pounded at my family’s front door.
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dgaughran
- Posts: 295
- Joined: September 29th, 2010, 6:26 am
- Location: Stockholm, Sweden
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by dgaughran » September 29th, 2010, 5:17 pm
Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.
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Down the well
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by Down the well » September 29th, 2010, 5:25 pm
dgaughran wrote:Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.
Excellent. :)
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dgaughran
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by dgaughran » September 29th, 2010, 5:52 pm
Down the well wrote:dgaughran wrote:Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.
Excellent. :)
It goes downhill from there, but very, very slowly.
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Mark17
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by Mark17 » September 29th, 2010, 6:01 pm
From THE FERRYMAN
Charlie had been a ferryman since the day he died.
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Margo
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by Margo » September 29th, 2010, 6:04 pm
dgaughran wrote:Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.
I just gotta chime in long enough to say I love this one. I'd DEFINITELY keep reading.
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Margo
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by Margo » September 29th, 2010, 6:07 pm
Mark17 wrote:Charlie had been a ferryman since the day he died.
Nice. I immediately think of Charon, which makes me want to keep reading. I'm getting a MG or YA feel, though it's just one sentence.
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