Query: We Are Chosen

[Netti]

This is the first time I've posted a query anywhere. Please give any tips you can think of. I appreciate it!


Dear (Agent),

Markyi Lharnid lives in a world where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous.

Markyi constantly questions the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. She goes to church and obeys the many morality laws to avoid being fined. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, UAL, Markyi visits him without considering the consequences. Things are further complicated when she attends his execution but the UAL saves him at the last minute.

A vengeful cop takes advantage of the suspicious situation and has Markyi arrested. After the cop tries to rape Markyi and frames her for assault, she’s sentenced to death as a terrorist informant.

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. The American government declares war on them but none of it feels quite real until the military commits its first act of war with the help of one of their own. With their anger growing, the UAL comes up with a plan that could change everything.

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[geistwrite]

Markyi Lharnid lives in a world where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous.

I think this is a strong first statement. If you are dealing with the right agent a statement like this might appeal, but to others it might be a turn off. Maybe consider letting the story below speak for itself? Also, is there a particular religion or religious group involved? Christian as a description can mean different things to different people, so even though I think I know what you are trying to say, others may assume different things.
Markyi constantly questions the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. She goes to church and obeys the many morality laws to avoid being fined. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, UAL, Markyi visits him without considering the consequences. Things are further complicated when she attends his execution but the UAL saves him at the last minute.

Curious what UAL stands for and what they do. Where are they located?
A vengeful cop takes advantage of the suspicious situation and has Markyi arrested. After the cop tries to rape Markyi and frames her for assault, she’s sentenced to death as a terrorist informant.

This vengeful cop is not related to UAL I assume? This part could use more details.
Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. The American government declares war on them but none of it feels quite real until the military commits its first act of war with the help of one of their own. With their anger growing, the UAL comes up with a plan that could change everything.

Who does US declare war on? A little unclear.
WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I like the title and the story sounds like an interesting take on terror and religion. I think it just needs to be a little more clear on a few of the story details.
Wish you the best!

[wilderness]

Dear (Agent),

Markyi Lharnid lives in a world where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous.

Markyi constantly questions the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. I guess she's not questioning the govt out loud then -- you might want to make that explicit. She goes to church and obeys the many morality laws to avoid being fined. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, UAL, Markyi visits him without considering the consequences. What does UAL stand for? Things are further complicated when she attends his execution but the UAL saves him at the last minute. "Things are further complicated" is a bit wordy, not really necessary editorializing.

A vengeful cop takes advantage of the suspicious situation and has Markyi arrested. Why is the cop "vengeful" against Markyi? The wording seems awkward and not very precise here. After the cop tries to rape Markyi and frames her for assault, she’s sentenced to death as a terrorist informant. I think we could use some motivation for the cop -- other than the govt is evil and corrupt.

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. We've had two escapes. Maybe you can describe them in more detail -- right now it just seems like the govt is incompetent. The American government declares war on them but none of it feels quite real until the military commits its first act of war with the help of one of their own. Who doesn't it feel quite real to? I'm not sure if that's supposed to be Markyi's thoughts or the UAL's. In general, I think a closer POV with Markyi would help you. With their anger growing, the UAL comes up with a plan that could change everything. Kinda generic...what's the plan? What are the stakes? Make it more personal to Markyi, your protag. Right now I don't feel that invested.

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hi there -- it's an interesting concept, but as I said above I don't feel very invested in Markyi, your MC. She seems very passive -- make her an active player. Also I think the narrative voice should be closer to her POV. What does she feel about everything that has happened? Hope that helps!

[thewhipslip]

I agree with the others that you're letting your plot overpower connectedness with your main character. I found that focusing on emotions in queries rather than plot helps tremendously.


Dear (Agent),

Markyi Lharnid lives in a world where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous What we really need to know here is where we are. What country, what time, and what religion (Christian is too vague). Be specific. You do not want us to fill in the blanks. For example:

In [insert country name], practicing a religion other than [insert religion here] means death.

The rape comment seems random in the opening paragraph, since the almost-rape does not come up until later in the query (and no one is actually convicted on rape charges in your book).

Markyi constantly questions the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. She goes to church and obeys the many morality laws to avoid being fined Avoid fines sounds tame considering she could be executed. Amp up the stakes. Make us scared for her. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, UAL, Markyi visits him without considering the consequences. Things are further complicated Cut this first part out. Let me decide, as the reader, that things are getting complicated. Show us how they arewhen she attends his execution but the UAL saves him at the last minute I agree that you need to tell us what UAL stands for.

A vengeful cop takes advantage of the suspicious situation and has Markyi arrested. After the cop tries to rape Markyi and frames her for assault, she’s sentenced to death as a terrorist informant.

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. The American government declares war on them For what? And there's an America in this story? This is why it's important to tell us what country this is in...but none of it feels quite real until the military commits its first act of war with the help of one of their own Too vague. What happens? Be specific. With their anger growing, the UAL comes up with a plan that could change everything Also too vague, and your character has officially disappeared. This seems to be all about UAL. What about Markyi? What decisions does SHE have to make? What does SHE stand to lose?.

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.[/quote]

[elfspirit]

This is the first time I've posted a query anywhere. Please give any tips you can think of. I appreciate it!


Dear (Agent),

Markyi Lharnid lives in a world where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous. I think the addition of rape penalties weakens what would otherwise be a very powerful hook.

Markyi constantly questions the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. She goes to church and obeys the many morality laws to avoid being fined. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, UAL, If you give the full name the first time, you can refer to the initials in succeeding references. Markyi visits him I'm assuming she visits him in prison. To add that would give more color and intensity to the visit without considering the consequences. Things are further complicated Consider: She further jeopardizes herself when she attends his execution but the UAL saves him at the last minute. Consider moving the UAL save to begin the next paragraph, and segue into something about the cop. I agree with others that you should say why he's vengeful.

A vengeful cop takes advantage of the suspicious situation this is vague and has Markyi arrested. After the cop tries to rape Markyi and frames her for assault, she’s sentenced to death as a terrorist informant.

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. The American government this confused me. If this takes place in the USA, that should be stated at the beginning declares war on them but none of it feels quite real until the military commits its first act of war with the help of one of their own. With their anger growing, the UAL comes up with a plan that could change everything. How?

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

I really like the premise here. It's very timely, and you might add more immediacy to the query by emphasizing this.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Netti]

Thank you all for your help so far! Here's another draft. Hopefully it's better...

Dear *Agent),

Markyi Lharnid lives in an America fifty years into the future where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous.

Markyi silently disagrees with the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, United Anima League, Markyi visits him in prison without considering the consequences. Later, when she attends his execution, the UAL saves him at the last minute.

Another of Markyi’s friends, Kirna Plistras, dies in an accidental shooting just days after she’s raped by the chief of police. When Markyi discovers who did it, she turns him in but is furious when the Chief makes Kirna look like a seductress and is only suspended from his job.

The now vengeful Chief takes advantage of Markyi’s connection to the UAL and has her arrested under suspicion of terrorism. This is not enough for him, however, and he takes his anger further by trying to rape Markyi then frames her for assault when he’s caught. Soon after, Markyi is sentenced to death as a terrorist informant.

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. Markyi’s first act against the government is to avenge Kirna and she kills the Chief. The American government declares war on the UAL but none are prepared for the first attack to be done with the help of one of their own. With their anger growing, the UAL comes up with a plan to get everyone’s attention: they’re going to shoot the President of the United States.

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



P.S. My point of just saying "Christian" is that in my book that's what they call themselves. In America, there's nothing more specific than that because it's not allowed.

[geistwrite]

Markyi Lharnid lives in an America fifty years into the future where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous.


P.S. My point of just saying "Christian" is that in my book that's what they call themselves. In America, there's nothing more specific than that because it's not allowed.

I like what you added with the PS
Maybe if you added something in the first line like... where 'Christian' is the new religion and not belonging is punishable by death...

I know it's kind of hard to sort through all the comments and questions, but soon it starts to all come together!
Wish you the best!

[Netti]

Thank you. I realized after I posted that some people may think the PS was part of the query but it isn't; I didn't have time to chance that. And I will definitely try to think of a way to work that into the query. I want to wow the agents, not confuse them.

[wilderness]

Dear *Agent),

Markyi Lharnid lives in an America fifty years into the future where not being Christian is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous. This is much clearer from the get-go since we now have a time and a place. I also like geistwrite's suggestion to explain "Christian" within the text.

Markyi silently disagrees with the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, United Anima League, Markyi visits him in prison without considering the consequences. Later, when she attends his execution, the UAL saves him at the last minute.

Another of Markyi’s friends, Kirna Plistras, dies in an accidental shooting just days after she’s raped by the chief of police. When Markyi discovers who did it, she turns him in but is furious when the Chief makes Kirna look like a seductress and is only suspended from his job. This is paragraph is a crucial addition to your query -- now we understand the Chief's motivation later. However, the flow here is backwards, Yoda-ish. For one thing, you tell us the rapist is the chief of police before Markyi discovers it (but we should follow her POV). The following sentence is also a bit jumbled and awkward too -- consider breaking it up into two sentences.

The now vengeful Chief takes advantage of Markyi’s connection to the UAL and has her arrested under suspicion of terrorism. This is not enough for him, however, andhe takes his anger further by trying to rape Markyi then frames her for assault when he’s caught. Soon after, Markyi is sentenced to death as a terrorist informant. Wait, I thought he framed her for assault, not being a terrorist informant?

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. I still feel two escapes without further explanation is stretching credulity. Markyi’s first act against the government is to avenge Kirna and she kills the Chief. The American government declares war on the UAL but none are prepared for the first attack to be done with the help of one of their own.With their anger growing, the UAL comes up with a plan to get everyone’s attention: they’re going to shoot the President of the United States. Nice. What a shocking way to end it! I think you need to add a little more, though, to show Markyi's role, such as "And Markyi will be the marksman." Also, on a technical note there is an issue with whether UAL is plural or not: you have "their anger" and "comes up with".

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Much improved! You're getting there.

[Preacher]

I am no expert by any means but i will have a go.

The opening line is good. I agree with the comment to maybe explain exactly what you mean by Christian, give a little context as to what tthat is. The other thing i would do, and this is only a structural thing, is that i would start by saying "Fifty years in the future," and so on. Really it is only a style thing and to my eye it reads a little better that way.

As for the rest i am pretty much in agreement with the suggestions made in the very last post. Another thing i think happens is that there are too many different names going on. Maybe you can find a way to reduce the total to two. Too many names, as far as i have heard, seem to turn an agent off.

The end is surely quite shocking. I think there are pkenty of good ideas here and the story looks interesting. Maybe polish it up some, cut a little fat, reduce the number of names, and it looks like you will have a winner here.

[thewhipslip]

This is much better! I still think you're losing your MC in the end, though. If this is from her perspective, then I want to hear about how she feels about the attempted execution. What choice does SHE have to make? The end of the query makes it sound like UAL is the main character. Did they choose her to do the execution? That would give this the necessary drama and conflict.

[Netti]

Alright, three times the charm...

Dear ,

Fifty years into America’s future not being part of the government’s Christianity is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous.

Markyi Lharnid silently disagrees with the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, United Anima League, Markyi visits him in prison without considering the consequences. Later, when she attends his execution, the UAL saves him at the last minute.

Another of Markyi’s friends dies in an accidental shooting just days after she’s raped. When Markyi finds out the Chief of police raped her friend, she turns him in but is furious when the Chief makes Kirna look like a seductress and is only suspended from his job.

The now vengeful Chief takes advantage of Markyi’s connection to the UAL and has her arrested under suspicion of terrorism. This is not enough for him, however, and he takes his anger further by trying to rape Markyi then frames her for assault on top of the terrorist charges she’s already facing. Soon after, Markyi is sentenced to death as a terrorist informant.

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. Markyi’s first act against the government is to avenge Kirna and she kills the Chief. The American government declares war on the UAL but none are prepared for the first attack to be done with the help of one of their own. With their anger growing, Markyi comes up with a plan to get everyone’s attention: she’s going to shoot the President of the United States.

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[thewhipslip]

Alright, three times the charm...

Dear ,

Fifty years into America’s future comma herenot being part of the government’s Christianity is punishable by death and being raped is considered adulterous I would cut this last part, for brevity.

Markyi Lharnid silently disagrees with the government but keeps her head down the way her dad taught her to. But when her childhood friend, Namid Rickyin, is arrested for being part of the terrorist group, United Anima League, Markyi visits him in prison without considering the consequences Can't you jsut say: Markyi attends his execution without considering the consequences, but UAL saves him at the last minute. Does she need to visit him beforehand??. Later, when she attends his execution, the UAL saves him at the last minute.

Another of Markyi’s friends dies in an accidental shooting just days after she’s raped. When Markyi finds out the Chief of police raped her friend Instead of "raped her friend', I would say: finds out the Chief of police is responsible, she turns him in but is furious when the Chief makes Kirna look like a seductress and is only suspended from his job.

The now vengeful Chief takes advantage of Markyi’s connection to the UAL and has her arrested under suspicion of terrorism. This is not enough for him, however, and he takes his anger further by trying to rape Markyi then frames her for assault on top of the terrorist charges she’s already facing. Soon after, Markyi is sentenced to death as a terrorist informant.

Namid saves her and she chooses to join the UAL’s fight against the theocratic government. Markyi’s first act against the government is to avenge Kirna and she kills the Chief. The American government declares war on the UAL but none are prepared for the first attack to be done with the help of one of their own. With their anger growing, Markyi comes up with a plan to get everyone’s attention: she’s going to shoot the President of the United States. The third paragraph is where I become disinterested. Is there a lesson here - or is this novel about cold-cut revenge? Markyi turns from a victim into a cold-blooded killer - and I'm not liking the transition, to be honest. What's likeable about her? She's sinking to her enemies' level.

WE ARE CHOSEN is a religious dystopia complete at 80,000 words. It’s a stand alone but has series potential. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[mightymouse88]

I have to say, though I'm running late and can't say much, this is a very intriguing concept! I love the guts you must have to propose such a controversial dystopia, and nothing sells like controversy. Truly shocking material is almost impossible to create in contemporary society, just about nothing is taboo now. But this, this is really great stuff! I hope you get published asap, I wanna read your book!
Better yet, would you like to be crit partners? Let me know!

smithem@bgsu.edu
Erica

[Netti]

Thanks for the tips whipslip!

Mightymouse, I'm actually into editing right now and am very private about my writing. I only share with my sister (who also writes). Thanks though, and if you ever post anything on the board I'll be sure to stop by and add my two cents!