JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

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Michael Clutton
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JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Michael Clutton » September 12th, 2010, 3:30 pm

Many thanks to Melyn, Write2me and others for their constructive shredding on this. I think I'm getting close... so here goes:

Dear XXXX,

Getting everything you want dropped in your lap doesn’t guarantee you’ll survive the impact. For a lonely, overextended single parent like Doral “Dak” Kent, getting what he wants just means catching a break and with a little luck, finding a good woman.

Things may be improving when Dak is suddenly befriended by a foreign family. And when its patriarch, Caleb Westland, offers unexpected financing for his struggling businesses, it seems like Dak is getting the big break he needs. Thwarting sexual overtures from Caleb’s niece and trying to win the heart of her best friend while his daughter eggs him on is just complicated icing on Lady Luck’s cake.

In a stunning turn of fortune, his lab tech creates an inconceivable blood simulation and Dak anticipates massive financial gains. Anxious to protect his new Juice until he can obtain patents, Dak desperately forms a partnership with Caleb. Having the Westland family as allies unleashes threats from a rival family. They waste no time producing a trail of bodies, leading a terrified Dak into the middle of a covert conflict among factions with inhuman motives.

Unraveling the secretive origins of the evasive Westland family is a puzzle Dak must solve if he’s going to trust them with his life. Criminals? Vampires? Aliens? Or, just some weird psycho cult? Whatever the truth is, Dak just isn’t prepared to deal with forces willing to kill for control of Juice, a medical marvel that could save millions of lives.

His sleepy little hometown of Murphy, North Carolina has become the epicenter of a macabre conflict and only one thing becomes certain. In the wrong hands, Juice will ignite a bloody rebellion that’s been brewing for centuries. So, when his daughter is kidnapped by Westland’s enemies, Dak makes a stand and risks everything in a clash for control of humanity.

JUICE: Revolution is a 139,000-word suspense thriller. I am prepared to provide a synopsis and/or the completed manuscript for your review.

(and yes, if this is your first time, I know the word count is a problem)

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Quill
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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Quill » September 12th, 2010, 3:41 pm

Please refrain from starting a new thread for each new version. (See forum guidelines thread).

It's hard to follow your progression of versions. I just posted a critique in your previous thread.

Thanks.

Michael Clutton
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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Michael Clutton » September 12th, 2010, 3:49 pm

Ahhh... my apologies. And yes, I responded to your comments, I believe.

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Quill
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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Quill » September 12th, 2010, 4:46 pm

Not to your latest version (before this one) you didn't.

Michael Clutton
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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Michael Clutton » September 12th, 2010, 5:22 pm

I stand corrected. Your evaluations are brutal... but appreciated.

Below is the version I've just completed... again.



For a lonely, overextended single parent like Doral “Dak” Kent, getting what he wants just means catching a break and with a little luck, finding a good woman. Improving his social life starts when Dak forms a friendship with a family of foreigners. And when its patriarch, Caleb Westland, buys one of his struggling businesses, Dak thinks he is finally getting a break.

When his lab tech accidentally creates a blood simulation he refers to as Juice, Dak knows this medical marvel could save millions of lives and marketing it will generate massive profits. Anxious to protect Juice until he can obtain patents, Dak forms a strategic partnership with Caleb to expedite the process. But having the Westland family as allies unleashes threats from a rival family. They waste no time producing a trail of bodies, which leads a terrified Dak into the middle of a covert conflict among factions with inhuman motives.

Barely surviving multiple assaults convinces Dak that he’s in way over his head. He knows that figuring out the secretive origins of the Westland family and the real reasons they want Juice is his top priority if their partnership is going to continue. A Crime Cartel? Vampires? Aliens? Or, just some weird psycho cult? Whatever the truth is, Dak knows he must deal with forces willing to kill for control of Juice.

His sleepy little hometown of Murphy, North Carolina has become the epicenter of a macabre conflict and only one thing becomes certain. In the wrong hands, Juice will ignite a bloody rebellion that’s been brewing for centuries among beings he can’t comprehend. When his daughter is kidnapped, Dak agrees to face Caleb’s nemesis and risks everything in a clash for control of humanity.

JUICE: Revolution is a 139,000-word suspense thriller.

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Quill
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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Quill » September 12th, 2010, 5:42 pm

Much improved, and shorter, too. Still some rough spots but I think you're on the right track with this.

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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Michael Clutton » September 12th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Amazing... while I'm spending hours writing and re-writing my query... with the help of all you folks on here... out there in the literary world an agent is reading my Query (the one I started with before I let myself get ripped on here) and she sends me a request for the manuscript.

Yep, the long, misguided, full of flaws, genre mixing, plot confusing, vague, half-assed query I started with got a positive reply.

Well I'll be damned.

I don't regret spending to time to improve my query. I'm glad I did and I'll continue to work on it... assuming this agent doesn't work out. But I guess it just goes to show that not ALL agents are looking for the same specific anal retentive details that we all hear about.

Again, I'm not bitching and I'm happy to spend time improving my work. Just thought some of you might like to know.... improve your work... but don't stop submitting. Someone ... somewhere... someday... just might be in the mood to ask for more.

I'm off to send her what she asked for... but I know it's a long row to hoe and I'll be back on here shortly to continue the fight.

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Quill
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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Quill » September 12th, 2010, 9:56 pm

That is super news. Congrats, big time.

Hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Michael Clutton
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Re: JUICE: Revolution - nearing the final version

Post by Michael Clutton » September 12th, 2010, 10:03 pm

Turns out she reps a writer I met through goodreads.com and put together a 3 book deal for him. I haven't talked to him in 6 months and never knew who his agent was until I saw him listed on her client profile. Small world.

I've got my fingers crossed (of course) but I'm realistic enough to know that this is just one baby step and doesn't come with guarantees that she'll find sufficient merit in my MS to offer representation.

But, hey... I guy can dream, right?

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