Poem Exerpt

Post excerpts from your works in progress and give feedback to your fellow writers.
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emvtc
Posts: 9
Joined: March 14th, 2010, 10:10 pm
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Poem Exerpt

Post by emvtc » September 5th, 2010, 2:20 am

If I could just get a couple of general opinions - no real feedback is necessary, I'm just putting out some feelers here. Thanks!

The trip is long
But I have to endure
Driving by farms Why?
I’m not really sure

The heat is getting to me
Like a big char-broiled steak
As my hunger increases
My pain to others seem totally fake

We pass through the luscious meadows
That are all lively and green
I am in complete boredom
Next to the car I lean

We take a turn to the right
Hoping to get there fast
I listen to music
Remembering days of the past

The music quickens
As our speed increases
We travel farther
Breaking my spirit into pieces

But at the end of the line
There is someone like a dove
I can’t believe my mind
It’s the person I love

We share laughs
We share tears
I tell her all the things
That used to be my fears

But time is up
Now I must part
I begged them if I could stay
They never gave me a chance to start

Back to the open road
Going to where I belong
Yet I cant go back
I didn’t want to be there all along

As time disappears
So does the sun
Nighttime begins to appear
With this day I am done
I want to unfold. I don't want to be folded anywhere, because there, where I'm folded, I am a lie.
Rilke

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Babslighthouse
Posts: 14
Joined: September 8th, 2010, 10:33 am
Location: SC
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Re: Poem Exerpt

Post by Babslighthouse » September 8th, 2010, 11:17 am

I am no poem expert but I enjoyed reading it. It makes you think and I liked some of the words you used.

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