REVISION 7 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

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REVISION 7 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by danielsmi » August 28th, 2010, 11:30 pm

Please scroll to the end to critique REVISION 7 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Another novel and another query. Let's see if a foray into genre does any better than literary fiction.


Dear Ms. Agent,

(personal note to the agent)

New York chef and restaurateur Cameron Kincaid left the danger and adventure of his elite covert unit in the French Foreign Legion for a calm life spent between his restaurant and the Gourmet channel. But when an assassin attacks a private UN dinner, Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war. Cameron saves the assassin’s targets, a Cathari woman and her young ward and vows to protect them until he can get them to safety. Not sure who to trust, Cameron’s surreal trek takes him through five cities, car chases, shoot outs, explosions, and even a Chinatown bus, all while being pursued by the evil Rex Mundi who believes the women know the secret of the Cathari treasure, a treasure the Rex Mundi think will change the world.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure thriller set in the north east US and Canada. Cameron Kincaid and his ex-legion buddy Pepe boost the synergistic potential of this brand worthy novel. Foodies, conspiracy buffs, and lovers of adventure will find this page turner an awesome read on the beach or in the air, and with the resurgence in popularity of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi in festivals, books, and film, this Cameron Kincaid adventure is propitious.

I again thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

Kind Regards,
Last edited by danielsmi on September 2nd, 2010, 1:37 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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Re: Query Critique – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by Quill » August 28th, 2010, 11:51 pm

danielsmi wrote:Another novel and another query. Let's see if a foray into genre does any better than literary fiction.

Dear Ms. Agent,

(personal note to the agent)
Usually on these forums we recommend putting this at the end, although I've heard some agents like/don't mind it up front.
New York chef and restaurateur Cameron Kincaid
Seems "restauranteur" should come before "chef," being that the owner is above the chef position in importance, if that makes sense.
left the danger and adventure
"leaves the danger..."

Best to keep it all present tense, I think.
of his elite covert unit in the French Foreign Legion
Interesting, but I think strengthen by the removing one of the consecutive adjectives (I vote to remove "covert").
for a calm life spent between his restaurant and the Gourmet channel.
Good, but since you've already used "restaurant," how about saying "eatery" or "business"?
But when an assassin attacks a private UN dinner, Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war.
This is intriguing.
Cameron saves the assassin’s targets, a Cathari woman and her young ward and vows to protect them until he can get them to safety.
Comma after "ward".

A touch wordy, maybe say "...protect them and get them to safety."

It's a little redundant-feeling, reading protect and get to safety since they mean almost the same.

Maybe it's just me.
Not sure who to trust, Cameron’s surreal trek takes him through five cities,
Non-agreement of subjects. It reads, "Cameron's surreal trek is not sure who to trust and takes him through five cities."
car chases, shoot outs, explosions, and even a Chinatown bus,
"Even a Chinatown bus" is a comedown after the other three items.
all while being pursued by the evil Rex Mundi who believes the women know the secret of the Cathari treasure, a treasure the Rex Mundi think will change the world.
This trio of clauses reads like a big tack-on to an already loaded sentence AND since intros an important character, so I would break it off into its own sentence (or two).
Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure thriller
Omit "fast paced"

Capitalize the title: CAMERON KINCAID AND...
set in the north east US and Canada. Cameron Kincaid and his ex-legion buddy Pepe boost the synergistic potential of this brand worthy novel. Foodies, conspiracy buffs, and lovers of adventure will find this page turner an awesome read on the beach or in the air, and with the resurgence in popularity of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi in festivals, books, and film, this Cameron Kincaid adventure is propitious.
Omit.

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Re: Query Critique – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by Leonidas » August 28th, 2010, 11:54 pm

danielsmi wrote: Dear Ms. Agent,

(personal note to the agent) Some agents (Like Janet Reid/Query Shark) don't like it when you start with a personal note about them. They'd rather you start with your novel. I'd try to check which agents you're querying don't mind queries that start with something personal and which do and tailor the query to fit their tastes.

New York chef and restaurateur Cameron Kincaid left the danger and adventure of his elite covert unit in the French Foreign Legion for a calm life spent between his restaurant and the Gourmet channel. But When an assassin attacks a private UN dinner, Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war.

Cameron saves the assassin’s targets, a Cathari woman and her young ward, and vows to protect them until he can get them to safety. Not sure who to trust, Cameron’s surreal how is it surreal? Here you're telling instead of showing us.trek takes him through five cities, car chases, shoot outs, explosions, and even a Chinatown bus, all while being pursued by the evil Rex Mundi Unless you've taken Latin, I'd be careful about using Latin names for things. I've taken two years of it now and as a reader I'm always weary of it when I see it in print.who believes the women know the secret of the Cathari treasure, a treasure the Rex Mundi think will change the world.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure thriller set in the northeastern US and Canada. Cameron Kincaid and his ex-legion buddy Pepe boost the synergistic potential of this brand worthy novel. Foodies, conspiracy buffs, and lovers of adventure will find this page turner an awesome read on the beach or in the air, and with the resurgence in popularity of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi in festivals, books, and film, this Cameron Kincaid adventure is propitious. This last paragraph does nothing for your query. You don't know who will enjoy it before it sells, and this bothers most agents. Don't try to sell your novel like this; let the story sell itself. Instead of wasting so many words on telling us who will enjoy it and why, put in anything useful about yourself or put the personalized bit about the agent here.

I again Thank you for taking the your time to and consideration representing my work.

Kind Regards,

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Re: Query Critique – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by TessB » August 29th, 2010, 7:28 am

Hey - you certainly have the knack for condensing information and creating a punchy query. I've put some comments etc below - all just IMO- you know your story and characters best. Good luck with it.
Last edited by TessB on July 13th, 2015, 3:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Query Critique – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by danielsmi » August 29th, 2010, 10:31 am

REVISION 2 note to Janet Reid disciples - the 'appeals to section' is only to be included to agents who ask for it it in their submission guidelines. See 'examples of a good query' on Nathan's blog for the fast paced Rock, Paper, Tiger query

Dear Ms. Agent,

New York chef Cameron Kincaid left the danger and adventure of the French Foreign Legion elite for a calmer life as a restaurateur and Gourmet channel star. When an assassin attacks a private UN dinner, Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war.

Cameron saves the assassin’s targets, a Cathari woman and her young ward, and decides to personally get them to safety. Cameron’s whim to protect the women brings him all in when a quick ride to a downtown safe house becomes a five city flight, riddled with car chases, shoot outs, and explosions. The evil Rex Mundi relentlessly pursue them believing the women hold the secret to a Cathari treasure with the power to change the world, a power they want to control. The Rex Mundi are clear, they only want the women and Cameron can go at any time, he must choose to walk away or fight the good fight.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure thriller with synergistic potential. The action is set in landmark locales of Canada and America’s northeastern Eurocentric cities, where the world of the modern merges with diverse cultures and traditions. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes as well as foodies, and conspiracy buffs. French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious.

My writing is influenced by my background in philosophy, comparative religion, and fifteen years as a consultant to the Fortune 500. I have traveled to over 300 cities in 22 countries and lived in New York, Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, and Crete.

Kind regards,

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Re: Query Critique – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by Quill » August 29th, 2010, 11:31 am

This new version seems truncated to the point where clarity and feel (voice) suffers.
danielsmi wrote:
New York chef Cameron Kincaid left the danger and adventure of the French Foreign Legion elite for a calmer life as a restaurateur and Gourmet channel star.
1. First you say he is a chef and then you say he is a restaurateur, which is a manager/ owner. Confusing. It's like saying he's an auto mechanic who enjoys his life as a repair shop owner.

2. Omit "elite" as redundant to French Foreign Legion, which to most people are an elite group themselves. Or go back to elite unit within the Legion. For clarity's sake.

3. Maybe say "has left the danger..." to put us more firmly into the present.

Otherwise, good. A nice setup of the character.


When an assassin attacks a private UN dinner, Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war.
This seems to require a "but" or "however" or "though" to integrate it with the "calmer life" of the former soldier.

Otherwise a nice progression to the main action.
Cameron saves the assassin’s targets, a Cathari woman and her young ward,
"Targets" seems a bit too compressed and brings to mind concentric circles with bullseyes. How about "intended victims" or some such, to humanize it and keep us in the flow?
and decides to personally get them to safety.
Good, but "decides" is a weak word. How about "vows" or "promises" or some such?
Cameron’s whim to protect the women
Probably an unintended alliteration (whim/women) that pulls me out of the flow. Also, not sure "whim" is the most accurate word.
brings him all in
Not familiar with this phrase, so it is a stumbler. Do you mean brings him fully into the war? Any way to clarify for the fast-skimming reader?
when a quick ride to a downtown safe house becomes a five city flight,
Excellent. Much improved over your first version.
riddled with car chases, shoot outs, and explosions.
I like the word riddled but it doesn't work with the list, not even metaphorically: "shot through with car crashes..."

How about "punctuated by" or some such?
The evil Rex Mundi relentlessly pursue them
1. This does not seem like a well-developed intro to your antagonist.

2. Typo: pursue(s). Or is Rex a group? This is unclear!

believing the women hold the secret to a Cathari treasure
Good.
with the power to change the world, a power they want to control.
1. The double "power" doesn't work for me.

2. "power to change the world" seems cliche and is unspecific.

3. The women want to control this? Or Rex? Please clarify.
The Rex Mundi are clear,
Oh. Finally we learn that Rex Mundi is a plural, more than one being. At first it seemed like one man. Are they men? Is this a secret society of world elite or something? Time traveling vampires from ancient Rome?

Also, who cares if they are "clear", you can simply say what they want.
they only want the women and Cameron
Comma after "women" or it sounds like they want Cameron, too.
can go at any time,
This needs to be spiced up or eliminated, as some would term this a "junk phrase".

he must choose to walk away or fight the good fight.
Instead of being tacked onto the end of a sentence about Rex, this crux of your story needs to be highlighted with it's own sentence.
Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure thriller
1. CAPITALIZE YOUR TITLE

2. Omit "fast paced" as redundant to "thriller".

2. Omit "adventure" as there is really no such genre for adult novels. Adventure is not a subset of thriller.

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Re: REVISION 3 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by danielsmi » August 29th, 2010, 2:26 pm

Love the feedback!!! Writing a query for an adventure is a lot more fun than literary. I am excited to start querying on Monday. How awesome it would be to send an agent on their Labor Day vacation with a full!!!

OK REVISION 3 note: once again the 'appeals to' section is only for agents with the submission guideline request

New York chef Cameron Kincaid retired from the danger and adventure of the French Foreign Legion for a calmer life as a restaurateur and Gourmet channel personality. Danger and adventure were not ready to go their own way. When an assassin attacks a private UN dinner, Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war.

Cameron saves a Cathari woman and her young ward from the assassin and takes them to safety. A quick ride to a downtown safe house becomes a five city flight, riddled with car chases, shoot outs, and explosions. The evil Rex Mundi relentlessly pursues them believing the women hold a secret that could change the world, the location of the Cathari treasure. The Rex Mundi only wants the women, and Cameron must choose to walk away or fight the good fight.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel with synergistic potential. The action is set in landmark locales of the northeastern Eurocentric cities of Canada and America, where the world of the modern architecture and technology merges with diverse cultures and traditions. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes as well as foodies, and conspiracy buffs. French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious.

My writing is influenced by my background in philosophy, comparative religion, and fifteen years as a consultant to the Fortune 500. I have traveled to over 300 cities in 22 countries and lived in New York, Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, and Crete.

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Re: REVISION 3 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by chris13 » August 29th, 2010, 5:23 pm

I love the premise. Here are my "editorial" comments.....(blue adds)


New York chef Cameron Kincaid retired from the danger and adventure ofthe French Foreign Legion for a calmer life as a chef, restaurateur and Gourmet channel personality. Danger and adventure were not ready to go their own way.When an assassin attacks his clients at a private UN dinner, Cameron is drawn into an 800-year-old secret war. [hypens]

Cameron saves rescues a Cathari [explain] woman and her young ward from the assassin and takes them to safety. A quick ride to a downtown safe house [ where does he get a safe house?] becomes a five city flight, riddled with of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions. [I think you can add more interesting but short details here.] The evil Rex Mundi [explain] relentlessly pursues them, believing the women hold a secret that could change the world--the location of the Cathari treasure. [explain]

Then Cameron must choose, etc.The Rex Mundi only wants the women, and Cameron must choose to walk away or fight the good fight.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel with synergistic potential. The action is set in landmark locales of the northeastern Eurocentric cities ofCanada and America, [why not say what cities?] where the world of the modern architecture and technology merges with diverse cultures and traditions. [this seem totally out of place with the chef/French FL connection.]

This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroesas well as foodies, and conspiracy buffs. [Are these the same?] French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious. [Yikes, is there really a Cathari and Rex M? I know nothing!]

My writing is influenced by my background in philosophy, comparative religion, and fifteen years as a consultant to the Fortune 500. I have traveled to over 300 cities in 22 countries and lived in New York, Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, and Crete Interesting, but not writing credentials. I think it's okay to leave a bio out if not related to the writing or book. Good luck!

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Re: REVISION 3 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by danielsmi » August 30th, 2010, 2:17 am

REVISION 4

Dear Ms. Agent

Cameron Kincaid is a retired commando of the French Foreign Legion’s elite Corsican Parachute Commando Group. In his retirement, Cameron has become a chef, a Gourmet Channel personality, and opened a restaurant on the New York Upper Westside. When the Rex Mundi attempt to assassinate a UN dignitary and her entourage in Cameron’s restaurant he takes it personally.

Among the entourage are a young woman and her escort. The women are members of the Cathar, a faith supposedly wiped out by the Rex Mundi in a 13th century crusade. The women need to be taken to a safe house. Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war. A quick ride to a midtown safe house becomes a five city flight of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions. The operatives of Rex Mundi, whose continuing goal is to wipe out the Cathari and take their treasure, relentlessly pursue them. The Rex Mundi believes that the Cathari treasure can transform the world and that the women know its location. The Rex Mundi only wants the women, and Cameron must choose to walk away or fight the good fight.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel with synergistic potential. The action is set in landmark locales of the northeastern cities of America and Canada, diverse in culture and tradition. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes as well as foodies, and conspiracy buffs. French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious.

My knowledge of the Cathar and Rex Mundi stem from an education in philosophy and comparative religion and my knowledge of urban locales comes from travelling to over 300 cities in 22 countries and having resided in Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, Crete, and my current residence, New York.

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Re: REVISION 3 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by Quill » August 30th, 2010, 10:18 am

The biggest problem I see with this version is word repetition, which sets up what I call a negative resonance. Others refer to it as observing word territory. Obviously common words like "women" can be placed closer together than words like "entourage", and I'm not saying that all these words should be written just once.
danielsmi wrote:
Cameron Kincaid is a retired commando of the French Foreign Legion’s elite Corsican Parachute Commando Group. In his retirement, Cameron has become a chef, a Gourmet Channel personality, and opened a restaurant on the New York Upper Westside. When the Rex Mundi attempt to assassinate a UN dignitary and her entourage in Cameron’s restaurant he takes it personally.
Repeated words:

retired/retirement
restaurant
commando
personally/personality
entourage
Among the entourage are a young woman and her escort. The women are members of the Cathar, a faith supposedly wiped out by the Rex Mundi in a 13th century crusade. The women need to be taken to a safe house. Cameron is drawn into an 800 year old secret war. A quick ride to a midtown safe house becomes a five city flight of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions. The operatives of Rex Mundi, whose continuing goal is to wipe out the Cathari and take their treasure, relentlessly pursue them. The Rex Mundi believes that the Cathari treasure can transform the world and that the women know its location. The Rex Mundi only wants the women, and Cameron must choose to walk away or fight the good fight.
Repeated words:

woman/women: five times
Rex Mundi: five times (six including below)

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel with synergistic potential. The action is set in landmark locales of the northeastern cities of America and Canada, diverse in culture and tradition. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes as well as foodies, and conspiracy buffs. French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious.

My knowledge of the Cathar and Rex Mundi stem from an education in philosophy and comparative religion and my knowledge of urban locales comes from travelling to over 300 cities in 22 countries and having resided in Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, Crete, and my current residence, New York.

What is "synergistic potential"?

Typo: traveling.

CAPITALIZE YOUR TITLE CAPITALIZE YOUR TITLE CAPITALIZE YOUR TITLE

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Re: REVISION 4 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by danielsmi » August 30th, 2010, 1:59 pm

Quill - thanks for the feedback!! The agents I am targeting understand 'synergistic potential'. It is industry jargon so outside of salespeople it means nothing. It means there is a potential for series mates, or even a sequel, that can help turn a book into a brand.

Also -thanks for catching Restaurateur and Traveling. They are actually correct spellings that are counterintuitive.

Since most of the agents I am querying are within two blocks of where I live here in Manhattan, I am comfortable that they understand the New York Chef-Restaurateur-Food Channel personality connection and am likewise not surprised that query reviewers in different markets might miss the significance. The restaurants in my neighborhood are owned by Batali, Colicchio, Bobby Flay, etc.

Thank you again for your feedback, particularly your last comments on negative resonance. The irony with queries, I am sure you will agree, is that one reviewer wants more, others want less. This format is based on queries that have been accepted and you can be sure it will evolve.

Querying starts this afternoon, cross your fingers.

Daniel

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Re: REVISION 4 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by danielsmi » September 1st, 2010, 1:36 am

REVISION 5

Great feedback on repeats plus Nathan's post about cliche hit right after I queried him. (of course I queried him first). Modified the angle a bit, not sure about the peril for peace transition.

Dear Ms. Agent

Recipe for Clandestine War

2 secret societies
1 arcane treasure
2 defenseless young holy women
1 Celebrity Chef w/ military experience

Mix the secret societies together then heat to a boil. Add the defenseless holy women and Celebrity Chef. Sprinkle with mayhem and peril. For extra flavor add havoc and spread across at least five North American cities.
#
Celebrity Chef Cameron Kincaid is a former Legionnaire. He traded peril for peace after swapping careers. When the Rex Mundi attempts to assassinate a UN dignitary and her entourage in Cameron’s Upper Westside restaurant, he is drawn into an 800 year old clandestine war.

Surviving are a young woman and her escort, members of the Cathar, a faith supposedly wiped out by the Rex Mundi in a 13th century crusade. Cameron’s short drive to midtown to hide the women evolves into a five city flight of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions. The operatives of Rex Mundi, whose continuing goal is to wipe out the Cathari and take their treasure, relentlessly pursue them believing that the Cathari treasure can transform the world and that the women know its location.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel with synergistic potential. The action is set in landmark locales of the northeastern cities of America and Canada, diverse in culture and tradition. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes as well as foodies, and conspiracy buffs. French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious.

My knowledge of the Cathar and Rex Mundi stem from an education in philosophy and comparative religion and my knowledge of urban locales comes from travelling to over 300 cities in 22 countries and having resided in Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, Crete, and my current residence, New York.

Kind Regards,

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Re: REVISION 5 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by danielsmi » September 1st, 2010, 12:31 pm

REVISION 6

a little slicker

Dear Ms. Agent,

Recipe for Clandestine War

2 secret societies
1 arcane treasure
2 defenseless young holy women
1 Celebrity Chef w/ military experience

Mix the secret societies together then heat to a boil. Add the defenseless holy women and Celebrity Chef. Sprinkle with mayhem and peril. For extra flavor add havoc and spread across at least five North American cities.
#
Celebrity Chef Cameron Kincaid is a former Legionnaire who thought he traded peril for peace by swapping careers. When the Rex Mundi attempts to assassinate a UN dignitary and her entourage in Cameron’s New York restaurant, he is drawn into an 800 year old clandestine war.

Surviving are a young woman and her escort, members a faith thought exterminated in a 13th century crusade. The continuing goal of the Rex Mundi is to wipe out the Cathari and take their treasure. They believe the Cathari treasure can transform the world and that the women know its location. A race to outrun the Rex Mundi turns into a flight of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions through five northern cities, none safer than the last. Relentlessly pursued, Cameron commits to protecting the women he did not know hours before.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel with potential for series mates, or even a sequel. The action is set in landmark locales of the northeastern cities of America and Canada, diverse in culture and tradition. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes, conspiracy buffs, and possibly foodies. French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious.

My expertise of the Cathar and Rex Mundi stem from an education in philosophy and comparative religion and my knowledge of urban locales from travel to over 300 cities in 22 countries and residing in Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, Crete, and currently New York.

It would be an honor to work with you on this novel.

Kind Regards,

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Re: REVISION 6 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by GeeGee55 » September 1st, 2010, 6:41 pm

Hi, Daniel:
I dont' read in this genre, so my comments may or may not be helpful
danielsmi wrote:REVISION 6

a little slicker

Dear Ms. Agent,

Recipe for Clandestine War

2 secret societies
1 arcane treasure
2 defenseless young- cut, too much holy women
1 Celebrity Chef w/ military experience

Mix the-cut secret societies together then heat to a boil. Add the-cut defenseless holy women and Celebrity Chef. Sprinkle with mayhem and peril. For extra flavor add havoc-havoc is too close to the same meaning as mayhem IMO and spread across at least five North American cities.
# I'm uncertain about this new approach, it gets all the information out quickly, but, I don't know if agents will think it's too gimmicky

Celebrity Chef Cameron Kincaid is a former Legionnaire who thought hoped? he had traded peril for peace by swapping careers. But When the Rex Mundi attempts to assassinate a UN dignitary and her entourage in Cameron’s New York restaurant, he is drawn into an 800 year old clandestine war.

Surviving are a - cut The young woman and her escort, are members of the Cathari, a faith once thought exterminated in a 13th century crusade. The Rex Mundi believe the Cathari possess a treasure that can transform the world and that the women know its location.They intend to continuing goal of-cutis to wipe out the Cathari and take their treasure. They-cut A race to outrun the Rex Mundi turns into a flight of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions - these seem like cliches to me through five northern cities, none safer than the last.Cameron escorts the women on a quick ride to a midtown safe house that becomes a five city flight of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions - I actually like this line better Relentlessly pursued, Cameron commits to protecting the women he did not know hours before.- this doesn't give me his motivation, which would be tied to his quest. See below: This is from Nathan's post how to write a one sentence pitch, but I think it also applies to the query in general
There are three basic elements in a good one sentence pitch:

- The opening conflict (called the Inciting Incident by Robert McKee)
- The obstacle
- The quest

What is Cameron's quest?

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure - please put your title in all caps, it will make Quill happy and me too lol is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel would it be assumed that an adventure novel would be fast paced? with potential for series mates, or even a sequel. The action is set in landmark locales[/color]-you use the word locales below so I wouldn't use it here, and it's not needed of the northeastern cities of America and Canada, which are diverse in culture and tradition. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes, conspiracy buffs, and possibly foodies. I've seen some websites that indicate they like to see this sort of marketing idea French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making this Cameron Kincaid adventure propitious.

My expertise of in the Cathar and Rex Mundi religious beliefs? feud? stems from an education in philosophy and comparative religion. and-cut My knowledge of urban locales grew from my travel to over 300 cities in 22 countries and from residing in Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, Crete, and, my current home, New York.

It would be an honor to work with you on this novel.

Kind Regards,


I just moved some things around to try to make it clearer and improve the flow of the sentences and, therefore, the ideas. You seem really excited about this project, Daniel. I wish you luck with it.

ABFTomioka
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Re: REVISION 6 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Post by ABFTomioka » September 1st, 2010, 8:45 pm

Hello!
I like the recipe at the beginning of your query - that's really different and eye-catching. Your story looks fast-paced with strange and wonderful characters, but I agree with the previous review that you could make some sentances read smoother. Here are my few suggestions:

Recipe for Clandestine War

2 secret societies
1 arcane treasure
2 defenseless holy women
1 Celebrity Chef w/ military experience

Mix the secret societies together then heat to a boil. Add the defenseless holy women and Celebrity Chef. Sprinkle with mayhem and peril. For extra flavor, add havoc and spread across five North American cities.
#
Celebrity Chef Cameron Kincaid is a former Legionnaire who thought he traded peril for peace by swapping careers. But when the Rex Mundi attempts to assassinate a UN dignitary in Cameron’s New York restaurant, he is drawn into an 800 year old clandestine war.

The sole survivors are two young holy women, members a faith thought extinct since the 13th century crusade. But the Cathari thrive in secret, and the continuing goal of the Rex Mundi is to wipe them out and steal their riches. The Cathari treasure can transform the world, and only the women know its location. Their race to outrun the Rex Mundi becomes a flight of car chases, shoot outs, and explosions through five cities, none safer than the last. Relentlessly pursued, Cameron commits to protecting the women he met mere hours before.

Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure (Underline, or maybe capslock, the title?) is a fast paced 75,000 word adventure novel with potential for series mates, or even a sequel. The action is set in landmark locales of northeastern cities of America and Canada, diverse in culture and tradition. This novel will appeal to fans of Clive Cussler’s larger-than-life heroes, conspiracy buffs, and possibly foodies. French festivals, Dan Brown books, and an upcoming Johnny Depp film are fueling the popular resurgence of the Cathari and the Rex Mundi, making Cameron Kincaid's adventure propitious.

My expertise of the Cathar and Rex Mundi (history, religion, or what?) stems from an education in philosophy and comparative religion, travel to urban locales (over 300 cities in 22 countries), and my residences in Los Angeles, Kalamazoo, Prague, Crete, and currently New York.

Good luck with this book! I'm excited to hear how it goes.

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