Land of the Living - Except 1

[atdeluca]

Let me know what you think, its a WIP
I suppose I have to say it's SciFi, but I'd like to think it has a strong commercial side.

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.

Yet there I stood, everyone stood, waiting for someone that would never arrive.

My eyes focused, through the dust I could see the soldier offering his hand to me. The sun behind him sent beams of yellow dancing as we cried out through smoke and ash. Odd that the sun would shine on a day like that.

I grabbed the soldiers hand.

It seemed we were headed to an alley. Those in my group followed the other two soldiers who weren’t far behind me and my own. Somewhere, blocks away perhaps, another boom shook the ground and rained dust and rocks and blood upon our heads. Still we ran.

“Get up against the wall!” My soldier called to the group. He had short blond hair and was taller than the others. His eyes were young, and found myself wondering how old he was. He looked about eighteen, so a quick calculation suggested he was around thirty. But of course, none of that mattered any longer.

We got up against the wall. Nate could hardly breath. He wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“Is everyone okay?” One of the camouflaged men spoke. He was the shortest of the group and the only one with a beret still atop his head.

Everyone was okay. Though it was noted that Henry, an old man, was tired and nearing his limits. Little could be done, and we had no chance but to push on until we found safety. Nate asked where we could go, his voice was small. I wondered if I had really lost him.

“There is a shelter not far from here, an old nuclear basement from the 1970’s.” The short soldier said. His uniform patch read “Hally”, though no one has said his first name yet.

“The 1970’s? Are you crazy? It’s been over sixty years, what makes you think it will still be there?” Nate looked defeated, though still defiant.

“Sir, we have this under control. The National Guard keeps track such things for your security and all other citizens. It is our duty to--”

“Enough Tim.” The tall one cut him off and Tim went silent. Everyone looked to the tall one. After a moment, he spoke again. “He’s right though, the shelter is still there. It’s one of a few that we keep track of in public buildings. Over on sixth and fifth.”

“That’s not too far.” Gabriella spoke for the first time since it began.

“Alright then, let’s go.”

He pushed off from the wall and began running. The block we were on was empty, save the eyes looking, always looking from windows. Souls bound to their homes, unable to break the grip of their boundaries. Seconds passed and we were all jogging behind our leaders, our footsteps hitting the rubble covered street in a surprising synchronization. We passed a shell of a building, once home to a restaurant I had frequented. The door was missing and windows lay in piles upon the sidewalk. I could not remember if I had been there the day or decade before. The past was lost.

When we came upon an intersection of our street and a wide Manhattan avenue, I looked to the north. Some hundreds of yards away I could see crowds surging towards midtown, rats running to the upper decks of a sinking society. The Empire State Building was a skeleton. A tear threatened it’s presence but the adrenaline kept it away, much to my relief. Now was not the time for emotion, if ever such a time would be again.

“banned word!?” The tall one called out. He was looking south around the corner, his finger delicate against the side of his rifle, twitching in anticipation towards its lethal lever.

“Northside clear!”

“Southside clear” the third soldier called. He had dark skin but striking green eyes.

“Go, go, go,” The tall one motioned with his hand for us to continue across the street, heading west. We followed, our steps no longer falling in time. Another distant concussion, a tribute to so many lives promised endless, finding meaning again. Nate and Gabriella both grabbed Henry under the arms and brought him along. He almost seemed sick, but we knew it was simply exhaustion, we all knew that to be sick was impossible. Then again, we would have said much about that day was impossible.

“How much farther?” Andrew spoke for the first time, addressing no soldier in particular. He had a cut above his left cheek that dripped blood, though only slowly. Soon it would heal over and he would feel fine.

“One more block after this,” banned word Hally seemed frightened, he turned to Nate and Gabriella, “Can you carry him that far?” He nodded his head toward Henry.

They could. We kept moving as a piercing whistle came from the sky.

Boom. More shattered.

I wondered where it all was coming from. In the chaos that was the past week it could be anyone, really. Korea and China seemed likely candidates, but no one was ruled out. Russia and the EU both weren’t happy with us. Though then again in recent years no one was happy with anything. We hadn’t been prepared and our greatest gift had destroyed us.

“Whoa!” One of the soldiers was yelling and pointing his gun. The other two followed suit. A group of three men approached us heading east on our road. Scotty gasped, he was still just a boy.

“Are you armed?!” The green eyed soldier roared to life.

“No, no! Not armed!” English was not their first language, but even such a barrier could not disguise the hatred in their eyes. The soldiers saw it too, and were wary.

“Keep your hands up and move forward slowly!” He said the word slowly quick and loud, like a backfiring engine. Several loud pops from blocks south of us signalled that the shooting had started. We desperately needed to find shelter. The men inched closer. Upon their faces was nothing but fear laced disgust.

When the first of the three strangers was within arms length of the tall soldier, he bent down and grabbed a piece of concrete, freshly torn from the ground not hours before. He was swift for a man, but not for the bullet that quickly found its mark just to the right of his nose, fired from the rifle of the green eyed soldier with a resounding crack. One of his companions moved as to jump on the soldier named Tim, but was quickly taken by the tall one. The shot ripped through the air. The third man, seeing the danger, simply ran with hopes to escape.

Stunned, I did not move out of the escaping man’s way in time, earning myself a hard shove which sent me flying backward. Unfortunately I did not see the pile of discarded bicycles behind me, and the ground quickly jumped from beneath me as my skull smacked against the asphalt island. Everything flashed to white.

[sierramcconnell]

I would offer crit but I'm this kind of crit-ter:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor. ((Nice line.))

Yet there I stood, everyone stood, waiting for someone that would never arrive. ((And gone. The flow just isn't there. How about, 'Yet there I stood, with everyone, waiting for someone that would never arrive.'))

My eyes focused, through the dust I could see the soldier offering his hand to me. The sun behind him sent beams of yellow dancing as we cried out through smoke and ash. Odd that the sun would shine on a day like that. ((Move the comma. It kills your sentence. 'My eyes focused through the dust. I could see the soldier offering his hand to me. The sun behind him sent beams of yellow dancing...' it sounds a little awkward. I'd like to know where it's dancing. '...as we cried out through the smoke and ash. Odd that the sun would shine on a day like that.' ))

It has promise, but it seems very unfocused. Like you weren't feeling the character you were writing for. I could give you more but I'm a very harsh mistress who does line style. And I don't know if you want that. :3

[fersnerfer]

It's hard for me to get into a story when I know nothing about the main character. A name, a gender anything to make me feel any connection to the narrator would be welcome. I get the sense they are refugees trying to survive a war zone but aside from that it's hard to connect with.

That isn't to say you don't have some nice action. That being said, there is a fine line with first person where you can end up sharing so much information that it begins to feel fake.

“banned word!?” The tall one called out. He was looking south around the corner, his finger delicate against the side of his rifle, twitching in anticipation towards its lethal lever.

A couple things that stand out here. I try to limit myself from using too many exclamation points. Granted, it is a war zone and there is a lot of excitement, but I would choose one punctuation or the other, not both.

I would also be careful about losing the action in the details here. I understand that it is an intense scene, so try and stay to the important action.