Need a plot fix? What do you guys think?

[Preacher]

I need to try and untangle something i had been working on, my first manuscript, which is called Preacher's Blood.

The deal is this: Gavin Preacher left home at young ages because of heaps of mental abuse from his father. Gavin hated his father and held pent-up rage which turned him toward the army as a hope of imposing some order in his angry life. He didn't make it and left the service for the less-ordered and structured world of mixed martial arts, where he quickly rose to number one contender status. On the night of his biggest fight he gets a call that his sister has apparently been abducted. Completely distraught, Gavin loses the fight and leaves the octagon that night and never returns. His sister, Sara, is never found. Gavin finds some peace and solace by becoming a social worker at a not-for-profit agency that helps people with all different problems. This stuff here is all backstory.

As i begin, Gavin is at a mixed martial arts event and feels like he is being watched, followed. He never sees the person, until the next day when he catches an Asian woman who doesn't belong in his building trying to slip something into his mail box. He chases her to the roof and she mumbles some things and does a swan dive. The jumper had told him his sister is alive and he needs to find her before it is too late.

My story has the Asian girl, Preacher's sister, and other girls as subjects in a program. They are all thought to not be able to have children. Carter Rainey(the bad guy) helps them to have a baby. They do in vitro fertilization and implant an egg that is coded with a special gene or chromosone or whatever you call it, that carries a coded virus. The children to be born are immune and the virus becomes active at a specified time. Problem is, when the woman comes to term and delivers, her mental wiring is destroyed, think of it as a super post partem depression. They get suicidal and eventually the all commit suicide.

Preacher's sister is in this program and being kept on an island. He needs to rescue her before she comes to term and goes mad and tries to kill herself.

That is the main gist. What do you guys think? Any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[D.S. Deshaw]

This is interesting. I'm a bit confused with the beginning. His sister is abducted the night of his last fight--so is it that same night that he sees the woman? Then it's the next day--although if she was just abducted I don't think all hope would be lost for this woman to say his sister was alive--when the woman tries to slip something in his mailbox? Where did that paper go? Why does he need to hurry? I wouldn't imagine the beginnings of the procedure would be super fast. There's probably screening involved, and you can abort a baby...sadly, up until birth. Would an abortion give the same suicidal results?

Also, if they're thought not to be able to have children, doesn't that mean there's a problem with their reproductive organs--like their ovaries, uterus, or eggs? Then these women might not even be able to carry babies...

So, last--this goes with the abortion question--how is he going to save her before she gives birth? It doesn't seem like he can, unless he's getting to her before she's fertilized or before somewhere between week 3 and 4, maybe a little later. Just realize that if you go the abortion route, there's a lot of stigma. I'm not sure if you're going for controversial or not. I'd say stick with getting to her before she's fertilized.

[Preacher]

Therein lies part of my plot problem --timing. If any lengthy amount of time has passed between when the sister was abducted and the opening of the story, she would probably have been put through the procedure already and months into a pregnancy. That is the big problem i need to address.

The fertility problem and not being able to carry is easily handled. There will be an electro-magnetic process used (think Lost) that will allow the women to be able to carry these fertilized eggs. I will not deal with abortion at all, definitely not wanting any controversy here. The babies will be born then taken from the mother and marketed through different adoption agencies.

Still, the timing problem remains. I am not sure how to fix it. If the sister has been gone any length of time she should already be in the process. The first fix solution is that pregnancies are not involved. If not that, then what? What is going on? At least one woman has escaped to find Gavin to let him know he needs to save his sister. What can be going on there?

[sammyig]

You might want to think about this a different way. Maybe there is some sign that is left by the people who take her that is known to the world at large. Maybe these abductions have been going on for a long time- there have been a couple of escapees- and they have told their story, but because of how they are taken to the compound, the escapees cannot tell them where the compound is, so the public at large is left with fear. The authorities are doing their best, but the only clue as to who has taken each woman is this sign/symbol. So, the brother knows what is going to happen to his sister- he just doesn't know when. So he has to find her before it's too late.

[D.S. Deshaw]

Okay, the fertility problem is solved (although I've never seen Lost--I'll trust you on this), but I still see some discrepancies.

For starters, how is the babies being taken from them a solution to the extreme postpartum depression (because I liked how you described it)? Wouldn't their wiring still be screwed up--with or without the baby in their arms? Or you forgot to explain more about this virus and the timing, because that was another part that wasn't really linking up for me.

I've never done in vitro fertilization, or any kind of procedure like it. I have, however, been an assistant of sorts to a few research studies. There's a lot going on in these types of things. There's screening (making sure the women are what they want for the treatment) and preparation. Baselines. It's a process that could easily take anywhere from two to three months after first contact. I wouldn't be surprised if your antagonist kept the women in close and confined quarters ("abducted") because of this fatal flaw. He could be rescuing her as she's going in to be fertilized. It could be heroic. I'm assuming your story would be from your MC's POV without addressing her side much so 'what's going on" shouldn't be an issue. On the other hand, if she does get a POV, yeah, boring!

As for if pregnancy is involved, it's a 9-month ordeal. He'd have plenty of time to be notified and get his ass in gear before she gave birth. Another solution--instead of adoption--is finding someone who could rewire or neutralize whatever the heck they did to her (thought: this is something they might have to do before the pregnancy, or is this entirely tied into the virus sperm?). Of course, that would add another whole dynamic that you may not want to even touch (understandably).

Do you have any sort of time line in mind for this? The girl could've easily escaped two months after his sister was abducted. How long is it going to take him to find her? I would write up a time line for both the pregnancy-route and the non-pregnancy-route and see what flows better in the passing of time.

[Preacher]

Then the opening scene could take place within, say, 60 days, maybe even a little more, of when the abduction happened. The sister could still be in the screening process and being tested which would give my main character time to find her before she is ever fertilized. This also allows time for the escapee to track the hero down and give him the information that his sister is alive. Maybe she can't tell him where the place is but he will end up findinf a string of other abductions and maybe a clue there. So at least i can keep an intact timeline for that part.

The babies being taken are not the solution to the depression, they are the cause of it. Because of the electromagnetic process used to allow them to carry the egg to term, their wiring gets screwed up and they lose it, some slower than others obviously. The woman escapee will have been at a therapy group that deals with post partem, which is how Preacher will find out about the pregnancy.

I think the pregnancy flow chart will work based on what you have said and how i figure it. He will definitely be able to rescue her before fertilization. Another thing i can build in is that after the electromagnetic process a lag time is needed for things to settle before the egg can be implanted. I definitely want him to get to her before she is even fertilized and with this in mind i think i can do that.

The whole deal is that Rainey (the baddie) is making these babies as a new future basically. The Marberg variant coded into them activates at a prescribed time, killing others while allowing them to survive. So, of course, the babies that are out there will have to be tracked down but after Preacher finds his sister he can leave that up to CDC and other authorities. I can even have a scene or two during the story where people die from the virus, maybe it pops up on the news or something like that.

I do not anticipate a POV from the sister at all. There is another character involved, a man named Shaw, who has an interesting connection. His story runs parrallel to what's going on and the two will finally cross each other at the end of the story.

Wait a second, what if it is simpler than that. What if the babies are part of a design your own baby business? This Rainey person uses this procedure to design babies to the specifications of high-class, wealthy clientele? You come in, decide what you want and, Bam, the egg is created and implanted into the mother, still using the electromagnetism to make them able to carry, brought to term, brithed and then given over to the buyer? Does that sound like something a little simpler than the other stuff? And, what if those designer babies are a part of a single hive mind? They can operate as one, kind of like the Borg. Slowly, Rainey is populating the United States with growing soldiers that can be part of a hive and act as one when the time is right?

How does all that sound?

[D.S. Deshaw]

I'm liking most of what you've got figured out.

So if these women kept their babies, they wouldn't get depressed? But at the same time, these babies carry this coding that'll make them detrimental to society later?

As for the design-your-own-baby bit, I don't like the idea of it being for a high-class, wealthy clientele only...because then people wouldn't care. If this was a man who was "doing good" for the less fortunate and enabling them to have babies despite the high price (even if the price may be their life). This seems like something that would make him more dislikable as the antagonist.

I do think you need to think about the purpose for these babies a bit more. Are they for an army? Will they mass kill people? But there can only be so many of them, right? Rainey could never make enough babies to have an army large enough to annihilate the whole world AND it would take a good 18 years for them to mature enough to even be able to fight. I doubt anyone would want to wait that long and I doubt he could get away with it for that long. I do like the thought of selling the babies--perhaps in the black market--but as what? Maybe mindless, superhuman slaves? Think about the possibilities!

[Preacher]

Yes the exact purpose of the babies is the problem im having right now. Superhuman, mindless slaves, hmmmm? A thought for sure. So the man designs and sell these babies, but sells them to everyone at a high pirce no matter who it is? Well, then that could work. But the idea of a design your own is to make whatever kind of child you want. It can have anything, any kind of abilities. The human brain is the greatest computer. What if the production of these babies is to link the minds as a massive computer for some purpose? The idea of a slave child then kind of knocks away the idea of making a baby any way you want one.

Whether the could keep the baby or not does not matter. It is the fertility process that creates the mental anguish and problems, not the keeping or losing of the child.

Any other ideas besides th superhuman slave angle?

I have some good stuff worked out here so far. I just need to deal with these babies.

[D.S. Deshaw]

No, I think your idea is spot on. Having your dream child created and having them be Rainey's slaves aren't mutually exclusive at all; the disguise could be a build-your-own baby... but Rainey is giving these children a bit more than what their parents wanted. The parents don't have to know. These children could be perfect until a certain point in time when the "switch" is flipped. But then you have to wonder what age Rainey would want these kids... if he wants 5 year old slaves (could work; hard to get the police to try to hurt children even if they're mindless) or 18 year old slaves. Then you have to figure out if Rainey has been doing this under the radar for 18 or 5 years...or anywhere in between. What are your feelings? How do you want him to use this?

As for selling the babies, I doubt he cares who they go to. The babies could go anywhere. This is what I see: he starts off the operation for this high-class clientele and they keep their babies. They pay a high price and he makes money off of this. This is anywhere from 5-18 years ago. He gets enough money to start doing it 'pro-bono' if you will, and takes in the desperate. This is when he sells the babies in the black market because he still needs a profit.

If you want a clean, non-issue riddled story, I'd leave it at that. No slaves, no superhuman. If you want it to send a message about slavery, then go for slaves. It could be really good if done right.

I don't really have many ideas on these babies. It depends on if you want to see anything from them. They could be something like gene-mutated (X-Men) or just superchild, you could go almost anywhere with it. Do these babies play a huge role in the story? Are you thinking of a sequel that will address the fate of these babies? If so, make them special, definitely. If not, then I wouldn't do anything much with them then sell them. Selling babies is bad enough?

[Preacher]

I would prefer not having to deal too, too much with these babies. They will not be the subject of a sequel at all. I have ideas for further Preacher stories but nothing to do with the babies at all. I figured it as an adventure story where Preacher needs to rescue his sister from being fertilized so she does not go over the edge when she gets pregnant and the baby is taken from her. The question that i am left with is will not dealing with the babies leave me dry on certain motive and such when it comes time to write a query letter? Will not dealing with these babies leave a hole come time to try and sell this thing?

Of course, i could have him add something extra to the babies but then that would be dealing too head on with the issue. I even thought of having it that something went wrong with these babies and they all would end up being deathly ill.

[D.S. Deshaw]

Hello again! Sorry it took me a bit longer to reply this time.

Here's my proposal: don't give the babies anything special.

I think saving his sister from suicide is good. He doesn't want to see his sister die. Adding this extra dynamic to your story might make it bigger than it needs to be, especially when it seems like your book is primarily focused on Preacher and saving his sister--not saving the world from these babies or whatever.

It might unnecessarily complicate things having them be design-your-own-child, mindslaves, superhuman, but otherwise sold in the black market. Just say Rainey messes with the wiring of these women when he gets them to be fertilizable. They give birth and he takes them away and sells them in the black market and these women end up dying to cover his tracks--they're found 'missing' anyway. Usually women gone missing aren't expected to be found. Then the government can be left to deal with Rainey's covert operation and Preacher can be left with his sister and making sure she's not pregnant or making sure she gets to keep the baby... with no adverse side effects.

It opens things up a bit, right?

[Preacher]

Yes, i agree that saving his sister from suicide is the most important thing. The story is about this guy who finds out his sister is alive and needs to save her before she is fertilized and dies.

I just wonder if not dealing with the purpose of these babies leaves me weak when it comes to query time. When i queried this the first go around i found story weakness which is why i shelved it. So if i leave the babies out and just deal with the fertilization process and how it effects the women will that be enough to do the trick. These "missing" women, some can be found alive on the island complex but maybe evidence of one is found somewhere, maybe a lazy employee disposed of a body which is found and that can be a part of the evidence.

Of course, the search will start at the apartment of the girl who was following Preacher where he might find some evidence and a thread to start with. There will also have to be a revisiting of his sister's disappearance and a chat with their father and maybe her boyfriend at the time, things like that that will push him further along in the hunt.

I do agree that things open up this way. I actually just wrote the very first two scenes in the book and they felt good. So, then, as it stands this way do you think this is ready to go back into practice and will have the proper elements necessary to make a good query letter.

And please dont worry ever about response time. I greatly appreciate the fact that you take time to look at this stuff and make suggestions and such. I thank you very much for that.

[D.S. Deshaw]

If you think not having a purpose is going to hinder you then crack down and decide. I think you were set with these ladies commiting suicide and their wiring. I think Rainey's purpose for these babies is to get money. It's not ever about the babies, it's about money.

Here are options that have come to mind:
- Have her get pregnant. He has to save her from otherwise certain suicide and make sure she keeps this baby.
- Have her not get pregnant. Make it so he has to save her from otherwise certain suicide becausing giving birth to these babies somehow kills the mother.

The babies themselves don't have to serve a higher purpose in your story besides being sold for money and being innocently used to feed the greed of Rainey. If you want to go higher than that, it shows how people will use even the most innocent of creatures for their ambition and greed. But Preacher doesn't allow it to happen.

Other than that, if you want to drop the babies subject, I say write whatever your story leads you to write. When you're done or when you start writing a query, see what other people say. You'll just have to make sure you write the query from the right angle--it's not about saving the world, it's about saving his sister who means the world to him. Don't let the babies be the main focus of your query and it shouldn't be an issue.

I also don't think overstuffing your story with a bunch of things will make it stronger. It doesn't work that way, sadly. From what I've read I think your story sounds interesting. I don't think the babies need to be anything but babies for it to be interesting :)

Let me know when you post up your query. I'd love to take a look and help if I can, even if it's a few months down the line.

[Preacher]

D.S. thanks a lot. I really think i have the right angle forn this now, after all the back and forth, you're right. Greed is a motive in and of itself. The method used to further that end is, in and of itself, totally inconsequential. This is an adventure story about a man trying to rescue his sister. It is simple, which is exactly what i am aiming for with this. I feel comfortable enough that i can get back into the rewrites and churn this thing out the way i always wanted it to be. The only big issue i need to deal with is that Preacher has to find evidence that shows his sister will go over the edge if she is ever given the treatment and fertilized. THAT, as you have made me finally understand, is the main motivation for Preacher. Not any babies with abilities. Once his sister is rescued then he can turn the rest over to the proper authorities who will then deal with the situation.

I feel good about this and i want to extend a huge thanks for helping me find my way with this. A query letter wont be out for a while because i want to spend some time with PREACHER and the story. But thanks again and as soon as i get something together i will post it here. Like i said i wrote the first two sections last night and it felt good.

[D.S. Deshaw]

No problem :) It was my pleasure. Happy writing!