New Query for RONNIE FOR REAL

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wilderness
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by wilderness » August 20th, 2010, 7:09 pm

otherside89girl wrote:
Dear Agent Name,

I have chosen to submit to you because [...]. RONNIE FOR REAL is a young adult novel told in two parts: Freshman Year and Senior Year.

Freshman Ronnie Gold wants high school to change her. She wants to grow up, to learn about photography and French, to talk to boys without melting in embarrassment. If someone had told her she would meet the love of her life that very first day… that Marco, a dark, talented senior, would profess his feelings for her in a corner of the Kingsley Art Museum… or that he would disappear to Mexico after an immigration scare, leaving her heartbroken and feeling much too old for her fourteen years… Well, she probably would have been too nervous to go to school at all. I think this has much more voice than the previous version. I'm not so sure about the multiple use of ellipses though. It might not bother everyone, but it seems too informal for me.

Ronnie starts senior year expecting only tedium and homework. But she gets swept up in Michael, a sought-after soccer player who confides in her about his suicidal depression. Moved by sympathy and tired of being alone, Ronnie plunges into her new role as Michael’s girlfriend-slash-therapist. And then Marco returns, pulling Ronnie back into a world of dreams and pure, uncomplicated happiness. Ronnie knows Marco is the one, but breaking Michael’s heart turns out messier than she expected. A vengeful ex,(no comma) paired with Marco’s unresolved immigration issues,(no comma) stand in the way of Ronnie’s happily ever after. I think you still want to have an even greater contrast between senior year and freshman year. Really show us how Ronnie has changed. I do think this version is going in the right direction.

otherside89girl
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by otherside89girl » August 21st, 2010, 4:16 pm

What would you all suggest in place of the ellipses? I was thinking about semi-colons but that wouldn't really work as far as the last clause goes. I'm not sure.

Anyway, updated version is up now. Thank you!

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wilderness
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by wilderness » August 21st, 2010, 5:44 pm

On second thought, I do like how you end the first paragraph with "Well, she probably would have been too nervous to go to school at all." That's got good voice and I can't think of a good way to keep that without using semi-colons or ellipses, so perhaps it's best to leave it as is.
otherside89girl wrote:A vengeful ex paired with Marco’s unresolved immigration issues stand in the way of Ronnie’s happily ever after.
I think you could improve this last line by being more specific with what's going on. What is Michael doing that is vengeful and what are Marco's immigration issues? Something like "But with Michael leaving death threats in her inbox and the INS sniffing around Marco's paperwork, Ronnie wonders if she'll ever get her happily ever after"

Other than that, I think it's really good!

dvmcollymore
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by dvmcollymore » August 21st, 2010, 7:04 pm

RONNIE FOR REAL has me wondering. Which is a good thing, I am ready to read what is on the other pages.
As a writer and a reader you could not ask for more.

THANKS FOR WRITING,
Denise Collymore

otherside89girl
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by otherside89girl » August 21st, 2010, 7:06 pm

wilderness wrote:I think you could improve this last line by being more specific with what's going on. What is Michael doing that is vengeful and what are Marco's immigration issues? Something like "But with Michael leaving death threats in her inbox and the INS sniffing around Marco's paperwork, Ronnie wonders if she'll ever get her happily ever after"
How about:
Ronnie knows Marco is the one, but breaking Michael’s heart is messier than she expected. When [a vengeful?] Michael finds out Marco is in the States illegally, Ronnie wonders if she’ll ever find her happily ever after.

Thanks again, wilderness.

And thank you, Denise! That is so sweet.

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wilderness
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by wilderness » August 21st, 2010, 8:50 pm

otherside89girl wrote:Ronnie knows Marco is the one, but breaking Michael’s heart is messier than she expected. When [a vengeful?] Michael finds out Marco is in the States illegally, Ronnie wonders if she’ll ever find her happily ever after.
I like it! Great conflict. I would keep "vengeful". Good luck!

thrintone
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by thrintone » August 21st, 2010, 9:31 pm

Hi, I'm new. I quoted this edit because it was most in line with my thoughts on reading your critique.
wilderness wrote:
otherside89girl wrote:
Dear Agent Name,

I have chosen to submit to you because [...]. RONNIE FOR REAL is a young adult novel told in two parts: Freshman Year and Senior Year.

Freshman Ronnie Gold wants high school to change her. She wants to grow up, to learn about photography and French, to talk to boys without melting in embarrassment. If someone had told her she would meet the love of her life that very first day… that Marco, a dark, talented senior, would profess his feelings for her in a corner of the Kingsley Art Museum… or that he would disappear to Mexico after an immigration scare, leaving her heartbroken and feeling much too old for her fourteen years… Well, she probably would have been too nervous to go to school at all. I think this has much more voice than the previous version. I'm not so sure about the multiple use of ellipses though. It might not bother everyone, but it seems too informal for me. I agree with this. The ellipses were almost distracting to me. I think the first should be an end of/ start to a new sentence, I'm not sure about the second and The last should also be and end of/ start to a new sentence. At least in my very unproffesional opinion.
Ronnie starts senior year expecting only tedium and homework. But she gets swept up in Michael, a sought-after soccer player who confides in her about his suicidal depression. Moved by sympathy and tired of being alone,I might imply that its more of an accidental pairing then her being lonely. It makes me think she is a little pathetic, which by the rest of it, I don't think she is. Ronnie plunges into her new role as Michael’s girlfriend-slash-therapist. And then Marco returns, pulling Ronnie back into a world of dreams and pure, uncomplicated happiness. Ronnie knows Marco is the one, but breaking Michael’s heart turns out messier than she expected. A vengeful ex,(no comma) paired with Marco’s unresolved immigration issues,(no comma) stand in the way of Ronnie’s happily ever after. I think you still want to have an even greater contrast between senior year and freshman year. Really show us how Ronnie has changed. I do think this version is going in the right direction.
Also, I think it sounds really interesting. :)
I'm on a big YA kick at the moment and would definitely pick this up.

otherside89girl
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Re: Query for RONNIE FOR REAL *needs new eyes*

Post by otherside89girl » August 23rd, 2010, 3:41 pm

Thank you, thrintone!

Everyone, the newest version is on the original post. Thanks!

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