Share your opening sentence!

The writing process, writing advice, and updates on your work in progress
Camden
Posts: 7
Joined: August 9th, 2010, 7:18 pm
Location: Georgia
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by Camden » August 13th, 2010, 4:25 pm

Perhaps bruise-colored?

One of the Mad Ones
Posts: 77
Joined: July 14th, 2010, 12:54 am
Location: southern New Mexico... almost old Mexico
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by One of the Mad Ones » August 13th, 2010, 4:48 pm

Camden wrote:Perhaps bruise-colored?
Perhaps, yes. I love it when fixing something is that easy.

User avatar
sbs_mjc1
Posts: 155
Joined: June 28th, 2010, 5:20 pm
Location: Glasgow, Scotland/Boston, USA
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by sbs_mjc1 » August 13th, 2010, 6:41 pm

Mike Dickson wrote: A single recessed light bulb flickers on every morning around the same time.
Someone else named Mike!

I'd say a 6. It's original, but not wow, especially since there are a good number of mundane reasons for this.

Here is the first sentence from S.B's/my novel:

Light from the full moon sliced the landscape into sharply detailed white highlights and dark blue shadows.
http://sb-writingtheother.blogspot.com/
FORGOTTEN GODS is out September 17th 2011! Check the blog for details.

User avatar
CharleeVale
Posts: 553
Joined: December 8th, 2009, 3:16 am
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by CharleeVale » August 13th, 2010, 7:21 pm

One of the Mad Ones wrote:
Camden wrote:Perhaps bruise-colored?
Perhaps, yes. I love it when fixing something is that easy.
I actually really liked 'bruise like, not because it alluded to color, but because it made me feel like the days were horrible. Bad things were happening with the dam and the birds, and every day seemed like a punch in the gut. That's what I got out of it. :)

CV

One of the Mad Ones
Posts: 77
Joined: July 14th, 2010, 12:54 am
Location: southern New Mexico... almost old Mexico
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by One of the Mad Ones » August 13th, 2010, 10:13 pm

CharleeVale wrote:
I actually really liked 'bruise like, not because it alluded to color, but because it made me feel like the days were horrible. Bad things were happening with the dam and the birds, and every day seemed like a punch in the gut. That's what I got out of it. :)

CV
Thanks, Charlee. My intention was evoke that very feeling even though it was, in my head, specific to color.

Camden
Posts: 7
Joined: August 9th, 2010, 7:18 pm
Location: Georgia
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by Camden » August 13th, 2010, 11:21 pm

It still does. Bruise is not a color or shade normally and to invoke it ties in nicely. However to just say bruise-like is a bit curious.

To say the day felt like a bruise is perhaps a simile that we can accept. To say that the day was bruise-like is a bit confusing and makes us wonder 'wait how is a day a bruise? Does it feel like a bruise, look like one, or is it somehow actually a bruise?'

User avatar
Mike Dickson
Posts: 104
Joined: August 13th, 2010, 2:37 pm
Location: Minneapolis
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by Mike Dickson » August 14th, 2010, 1:34 am

sbs_mjc1 wrote: Light from the full moon sliced the landscape into sharply detailed white highlights and dark blue shadows.
Thanks for the review. I think you may be right, it is mundane and could be caused by quite a few things.
Just for more info on the sentence it's a recessed light from a jail cell.

It's crazy how each sentence in a novel must not be over looked!
sbs_mjc1 wrote: Light from the full moon sliced the landscape into sharply detailed white highlights and dark blue shadows.
Your sentence is interesting for sure. It makes me think of the dessert for some reason. the fact that it gives me such a quick and vivid thought about a place makes it a great first line. I'm going to give you an 8. It can always be better, however I'm not sure how.
Nice job!

theepicwinner
Posts: 33
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 7:21 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by theepicwinner » August 14th, 2010, 11:09 am

"You're just not despicable enough," was the last and only thing they said before they banished him.

- from my second WIP
"If you can think it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it" - Evan Taubenfeld

Don't give up on your dreams.

User avatar
airball
Posts: 58
Joined: August 14th, 2010, 7:38 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by airball » August 14th, 2010, 7:40 pm

Hi All,

First post here. First sentence:

"On the night that I delivered Mercy Harris of a bastard child, the King’s soldiers burned the city’s suburbs and fell back within its walls to await the rebel assault."
Sam Thomas
Author of The Midwife's Story: A Mystery due out from St. Martin's Press in 2013
Website: http://www.samthomasbooks.com
Team Blog= http://bloodygoodread.blogspot.com

atdeluca
Posts: 28
Joined: July 22nd, 2010, 8:27 am
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by atdeluca » August 15th, 2010, 11:09 am

Mine:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.

One of the Mad Ones
Posts: 77
Joined: July 14th, 2010, 12:54 am
Location: southern New Mexico... almost old Mexico
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by One of the Mad Ones » August 15th, 2010, 1:34 pm

atdeluca wrote:Mine:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.
This one grabs me. It's short, unexpected, and packed with voice. The sentences that follow can go dark or darkly funny, which to me is promising. It immediately brings up questions, and finding answers to interesting questions is part of why I keep reading books. 8? 9? It's so short, it's hard to tell, but it's a great hook.

ninafromnorway
Posts: 57
Joined: August 9th, 2010, 3:35 pm
Location: Norway
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by ninafromnorway » August 15th, 2010, 6:12 pm

"You're just not despicable enough," was the last and only thing they said before they banished him.
I did like this one! I'd actually give this one a 10! Usually people strive to become successfull, perfect, beautiful and popular. But here you are told that they want you to be worse!

This may have something to do with my never fitting in anywhere, and that's probably why I also want to read more.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

User avatar
airball
Posts: 58
Joined: August 14th, 2010, 7:38 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by airball » August 15th, 2010, 8:35 pm

atdeluca wrote:Mine:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.
That is nice!
Sam Thomas
Author of The Midwife's Story: A Mystery due out from St. Martin's Press in 2013
Website: http://www.samthomasbooks.com
Team Blog= http://bloodygoodread.blogspot.com

theepicwinner
Posts: 33
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 7:21 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by theepicwinner » August 16th, 2010, 11:10 am

ninafromnorway wrote:
"You're just not despicable enough," was the last and only thing they said before they banished him.
I did like this one! I'd actually give this one a 10! Usually people strive to become successfull, perfect, beautiful and popular. But here you are told that they want you to be worse!

This may have something to do with my never fitting in anywhere, and that's probably why I also want to read more.
Thank you! Well the MC is very similar to you in that respect!
"If you can think it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it" - Evan Taubenfeld

Don't give up on your dreams.

User avatar
AnimaDictio
Posts: 158
Joined: June 10th, 2010, 1:07 am
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by AnimaDictio » August 16th, 2010, 5:04 pm

Neal was a blockhead and he was breaking Barlaam’s heart.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests