Meant To Be---another new version

[Quill]

Okay, first there was the synopsis-ish version, then the book-blurb attempt...now there's a really short one, weighing in at only 143 words---which is usually about how long it takes me to begin a message board post ;) Hmm...first try 350 words, second try 250 words, third try 143 words...a few more goes at this and I'll be down to submitting the word "Please?" I need a nap. Any and all comments welcome. Thanks in advance. Here it is:

I laughed. You've compacted it nicely.

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife convinces him to move to the suburbs, he hopes it’s a first step toward starting the family he longs to have. Instead he meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti,

Good! Suggest period after "Valeti."

who loves her freelance design job but struggles with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference.

Suggest begin with "She loves..."

That way, you intro her as part of his intro, then go on to tell about her separate from his intro.

A penchant for good books, late night star gazing, and Marienne’s to-die-for homemade brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them.

Good! Wondering if you should remove the comma after "brownies" to improve the flow.

Their camaraderie fills the voids in each of their lives. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their own minds.

Your wording is terrific. Good work picking the words.

Even when events conspire to make them both available, they resist, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly MEANT TO BE.

This is your best version yet of the crux sentence. And it hasn't been easy I know. It's still a tiny bit rough, though, I think. Don't know if it yet truly conveys the problem -- feelingwise. In nuance.

A small tweak? How about "Now they resist..."

What is the conundrum? Isn't it that before, when they were married, they resisted because they were married, and now they are resisting for whole other reasons (the friendship thing, and the shy/does-he-feel-like-I-do syndrome you mentioned in the other query).

I think the middle bar of the sentence "they resist" is the weak part. How about "they still resist"? Like that part is a bridge between new availability and what's (still) holding them back. If that could be made a little stronger, it seems the query would be perfect.

How about "they find themselves resisting again, (for other reasons)?

Too nitpicky?

[cheekychook]

Even when events conspire to make them both available, they resist, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly MEANT TO BE.

This is your best version yet of the crux sentence. And it hasn't been easy I know. It's still a tiny bit rough, though, I think. Don't know if it yet truly conveys the problem -- feelingwise. In nuance.

A small tweak? How about "Now they resist..."

What is the conundrum? Isn't it that before, when they were married, they resisted because they were married, and now they are resisting for whole other reasons (the friendship thing, and the shy/does-he-feel-like-I-do syndrome you mentioned in the other query).

I think the middle bar of the sentence "they resist" is the weak part. How about "they still resist"? Like that part is a bridge between new availability and what's (still) holding them back. If that could be made a little stronger, it seems the query would be perfect.

How about "they find themselves resisting again, (for other reasons)?

Too nitpicky?

Quill---excellent suggestions---not too nitpicky at all!

I agree that sentence isn't right---and I further agree it's the "they resist" that's tripping it up (plus I use the word "resist" already in the "they resist its lure" part, and I like it better there. Still struggling to find the right substitution of words to fully convey the conflict.

You have the conundrum correct---they were previously resisting because they were married, and now they're resisting for altogether different reasons (risking friendship, unsure romantic feelings are reciprocated, fear of losing the love/support they already share).

How about:

Even when events conspire to make them both available, they continue to defy temptation, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly MEANT TO BE.

...hesitate to succumb to temptation?
...attempt to deny their feelings?

Wow, I've actually turned my query into a MadLib. Too bad I'm not 10 anymore---I could insert the word "snot" and call it a day.

Any suggestions will be appreciated. Thanks!

[Thermocline]

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife convinces him to move to the suburbs, he hopes it’s a first step toward starting the family he longs to have. Instead It feels as though a LOT happened between the end of the last sentence and "Instead" that isn't explained. There are so many possibilities (Daniel misred his wife's intentions, she changed her mind, she died, etc.) that I'm left wondering how bad it was and how final of a decision has been made. I took "Instead" to mean he's chucked everything and now wants something with Marienne, which doesn't make me sympathetic toward him. He's going to get into a relationship with another woman because his wife doesn't want a kid?he meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti, who loves her freelance design job Is her job relevant? but struggles with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference.

A penchant for good books, late night star gazing, Sneaking off together makes me even less sympathetic toward them. Are there ways they get together in your story that don't make them sound like adulterers? and Marienne’s to-die-for homemade brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them. Their camaraderie fills the voids in each of their lives. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their own minds. Even when events conspire Can you give us some specifics? "Conspire" sounds a little ominous. I'm wondering what they've arranged to be able to get together.to make them both available, they resist, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly MEANT TO BE. I am not a fan of using your title like this.

Complete at 109,000 words MEANT TO BE is a work of commercial fiction.

I would feel much more sympathetic toward Daniel and Marienne if you showed me how they have suffered. Right now they sound selfish and willing to get divorces because they're a little unhappy. I'm guessing that isn't how they come across in your book, though. Show us their struggles and why we should root for them.

[cheekychook]

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife convinces him to move to the suburbs, he hopes it’s a first step toward starting the family he longs to have. Instead It feels as though a LOT happened between the end of the last sentence and "Instead" that isn't explained. There are so many possibilities (Daniel misred his wife's intentions, she changed her mind, she died, etc.) that I'm left wondering how bad it was and how final of a decision has been made. I took "Instead" to mean he's chucked everything and now wants something with Marienne, which doesn't make me sympathetic toward him. He's going to get into a relationship with another woman because his wife doesn't want a kid?he meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti, who loves her freelance design job Is her job relevant? but struggles with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference.

A penchant for good books, late night star gazing, Sneaking off together makes me even less sympathetic toward them. Are there ways they get together in your story that don't make them sound like adulterers? and Marienne’s to-die-for homemade brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them. Their camaraderie fills the voids in each of their lives. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their own minds. Even when events conspire Can you give us some specifics? "Conspire" sounds a little ominous. I'm wondering what they've arranged to be able to get together.to make them both available, they resist, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly MEANT TO BE. I am not a fan of using your title like this.

Complete at 109,000 words MEANT TO BE is a work of commercial fiction.

I would feel much more sympathetic toward Daniel and Marienne if you showed me how they have suffered. Right now they sound selfish and willing to get divorces because they're a little unhappy. I'm guessing that isn't how they come across in your book, though. Show us their struggles and why we should root for them.

Thermocline---Thanks for your feedback---I have two longer, earlier versions of my query posted upthread that answer all the questions you ask about this query---this version was scaled down for length purposes only, but if it's giving a negative, unsympathetic reader reaction to my characters obviously I'd rather use the higher word count versions. If you could read the two longer versions (neither is THAT long) and tell me if you still get a negative impression of the characters or if you feel more compassion toward their plight, I'd appreciate it---if you do, please tell me if either of those versions sounds more suitable in your opinion. I'm willing to use any of the three versions for querying---each seems to fit the different types of queries agents request (summary, short description, blurb). To address concerns---Daniel hopes the move will be a step toward starting a family, but it doesn't, instead he IMMEDIATELY meets his new neighbor Marienne and they become friends. There is no sneaking off, the two couples become friends and spend time together, and Daniel and Marienne spend additional time together volunteering on a charity project together---that's where they get better acquainted. Marienne's husband dies in a car accident and Daniel's completely success/status obsessed wife divorces him. This story is about two people who consistently put the happiness of others before their own---I certainly don't want the query to indicate they're selfish because nothing could be further from the truth.

[Thermocline]

Thermocline---Thanks for your feedback---I have two longer, earlier versions of my query posted upthread that answer all the questions you ask about this query---this version was scaled down for length purposes only, but if it's giving a negative, unsympathetic reader reaction to my characters obviously I'd rather use the higher word count versions. If you could read the two longer versions (neither is THAT long) and tell me if you still get a negative impression of the characters or if you feel more compassion toward their plight, I'd appreciate it---if you do, please tell me if either of those versions sounds more suitable in your opinion. I'm willing to use any of the three versions for querying---each seems to fit the different types of queries agents request (summary, short description, blurb). To address concerns---Daniel hopes the move will be a step toward starting a family, but it doesn't, instead he IMMEDIATELY meets his new neighbor Marienne and they become friends. There is no sneaking off, the two couples become friends and spend time together, and Daniel and Marienne spend additional time together volunteering on a charity project together---that's where they get better acquainted. Marienne's husband dies in a car accident and Daniel's completely success/status obsessed wife divorces him. This story is about two people who consistently put the happiness of others before their own---I certainly don't want the query to indicate they're selfish because nothing could be further from the truth.

I had a much more positive reaction to your characters from both of the other queries. You conveyed the sense of being trapped and wanting things to work out. I am much more sympathetic to them now. I do think both of them a little long. The others have given a lot of suggestions about how to trim them down. My suggestion would be to start with your shortest version and see how you can adjust it to make the characters more sympathetic without adding too many words. Your novel sounds interesting and you've got a lot going on with your characters. Keep at your query. I am sure you'll find a concise way to fit all that great emotional struggle in.

[thewhipslip]

[quote="cheekychook"]

When NYU professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife convinces him to move to the suburbs, he hopes it’s a first step toward starting the family he longs to have. Instead he meets his neighbor, Marienne Valeti, who loves her freelance design job but struggles with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference.

A penchant for good books, late night star gazing, and Marienne’s to-die-for homemade brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them. Their camaraderie fills the voids in each of their lives. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their own minds. Even when events conspire to make them both available, they resist, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly MEANT TO BE. [b]I think you need more info in that last sentence. What's the catalyst here? Other than that, I like it.[/b]

[cheekychook]

[b]I think you need more info in that last sentence. What's the catalyst here? Other than that, I like it.[/b]

Catalyst meaning what events conspire to leave them single?

[thewhipslip]

Exactly. I think you need some specifics there.

[Quill]

The events were in the earlier queries but the quick mention of them seemed too pat, too blase, didn't seem to do the events justice, and thus seemed to diminish them. But who knows, maybe they belong in there. I just think that at this point in the span of of a short query letter it is best to focus on the outcome, and the conundrum. Too much info can choke the flow and the wanting to see more.

Again, who knows. Try it both ways, see what works best.

[cheekychook]

Okay, so I let the queries sit for a while as I wrote up synopses of varying lengths and edited my entire WIP (again). Seeing as Nathan posted a whole blog devoted to query letters today I thought I'd try for yet another version of mine. The feedback I've received on this thread (on previous versions) has varied tremendously---what one person likes is what another person dislikes---which is probably good, as it shows how the same words can impact different people in vastly different ways. Overall consensus seemed to be that my first query was too long, the third one was too short, and no one (including me) liked the second one, so let's try this mid-sized fourth one on for size. The key word in Nathan's blog that inspired this version was "specificity"---fun word to say, no? All comments welcome and much appreciated, as always. Thanks in advance.

When NYU Professor Daniel Gardner’s career-obsessed wife insists they move to Highland Park, New Jersey so she can oversee her new women’s spa, he reluctantly agrees, hoping a house will be the first step toward starting a family. Instead he finds himself eating dinner alone most nights. While volunteering on a local charity project, he meets his new neighbor, Marienne Valeti, a freelance graphic designer who struggles with a growing sense of isolation created by her husband’s indifference. A penchant for good books, bad movies, and Marienne’s to-die-for homemade brownies, sparks a powerful bond between them.

The two couples gravitate together, enjoying dinners at each other homes and sharing rides into Manhattan. While their spouses spend hours discussing the stock market, Daniel and Marienne discover their paths have crossed many times--- living in the same town briefly as children, attending the same university---they wonder if they’d have become friends, or more, had they met earlier. Their camaraderie fills the voids in each of their lives.

Passion simmers, but before either of them gives in to temptation Marienne learns she’s pregnant. She’s thrilled, but her husband is turned off by her changing body. Daniel finds himself even more drawn to Marienne and realizes how desperately he wants children of his own, but his wife decides motherhood is not for her. Both marriages begin to unravel.

When a tragic accident leaves Marienne a widow and causes Daniel’s wife to admit their marriage is over, Daniel and Marienne find solace in one another. His humor carries her through her darkest moments and her compassion makes him feel cared for in way he hasn’t since childhood. Tortured by the attraction they’ve both spent years trying to deny, they must decide if they’re willing to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they're truly meant to be.

Complete at 109,000 words MEANT TO BE is a work of commercial fiction.

[Quill]

It feels like you've taken a step back from the action, are reporting from a greater distance, and almost like you've been... busy writing synopses!

I liked the other versions better. More emotional, more literary, more exciting, more succinct (even the long version) more hooky, more interesting.

What didn't YOU like about those?

[cheekychook]

Thanks Quill---maybe I should just add the ending and call this my one page synopsis (that's the only length I don't have yet---5pg, 10pg and 20 pg are done)---appreciate the input! To answer your question there wasn't anything I particularly disliked about either the shortest or longest version---it's more a question of what others didn't like---I'd have to say the longest version was my personal favorite, but I know shorter is often preferable. Regardless, no more versions for me, unless of course those two fail miserably---time to do the final polish and start the actual query process. *gasp*

[clara_w]

I'm so hooked! Way to go!

[thewhipslip]

I agree with Quill here. This query does not leave me wanting more because you've already told us everything. I, too, liked your previous versions better.

[cheekychook]

Okay, taking all feedback into account I've come up with a hybrid version. Word count is in the low 300's, which allows for personalization while still keeping it to a single page. All comments welcome. Thanks in advance.

Daniel Gardner has never understood why women find him attractive---he’s always thought of himself as a bit of a dork. He loves teaching literature at his alma mater, NYU, and his favorite escape is reading. His wife, Justine, is beautiful and brilliant, the kind of woman most men only dream of having, but she’s obsessed with success. When Justine insists they move to Highland Park, New Jersey so she can oversee her new women’s spa, he reluctantly agrees, hoping a house will be the first step toward starting a family.

Marienne Valeti has a history of bad relationships and her marriage to Frank is no exception. Frank only wants what he can’t have, and since he already has her, his interests lie elsewhere. She compensates for his emotional distance by indulging her two passions, drawing and cooking.

When the two couples meet as neighbors they become fast friends. While Frank and Justine spend hours discussing the stock market, Daniel and Marienne share a penchant for good books, bad movies and homemade brownies.

Daniel and Marienne soon discover they have more significant connections. An intoxicating attraction builds between them, but before either of them gives in to temptation, Marienne learns she’s pregnant.

She’s excited, but worried she’ll be a horrible mother, like her own. Frank is turned off by her changing body and spends even less time at home. Justine is repulsed by the realities of pregnancy and decides motherhood isn’t for her. Daniel finds himself even more drawn to Marienne and realizes how desperately he wants children of his own.

As their marriages unravel, Daniel and Marienne gravitate toward one another. Passion simmers, but they resist its lure, giving in only in the seclusion of their minds. Even when events conspire to make them available, they struggle, terrified to risk the friendship they’ve grown to depend on to discover if they’re truly Meant To Be.

MEANT TO BE is commercial fiction and is complete at 109,000 words.