FOUNDER - Excerpt

[Emily J]

I figured it was about time I posted some of my own writing. Below are the first 5 pages of a science fiction novel in progress. I would appreciate any and all feedback! I am guilty of oftentimes writing in a vacuum. Let me know if it's too exposition-y (cuz that's totally a word).

The hallway looked like the inside of a small intestine, a white, exceptionally clean small intestine. Ady’s eyes scrolled along its twisting curvature idly. Her back was pressed against the bench beneath her. The bench, like the hallway was white and rounded, spotless and sterile. Ady kept her eyes on the hallway and avoided looking at the young man sitting beside her on the bench. More a boy than a young man. He was engrossed in his small palm-sized computer, his thumbs beating out a staccato rhythm on the key pad

Footsteps sounded around one of the numerous bends of the intestinal hallway and Ady looked up expectantly. A tall lanky man and a short compact woman wearing mechanics coveralls rounded the corner.

It isn’t time yet. she thought and hugged her bag against her stomach.

The mechanics stopped in front of the bench waved their hands across the security console and the glass doors hissed open. They proceeded into the large, high-ceilinged hanger opposite Ady. Sitting unimpressively in the center of the hanger was the ship. It was always smaller than she expected, a little white triangle that opens at the top like a blooming flower. And tucked inside the metal flower, two glass pods awaited.

The doors hissed closed and the mechanics went about their work. Fuel pipes descended on command from the ceiling.

“Is that them?” the woman’s voice drifted through the thin glass doors. She hooked a thumb towards Ady and the boy. Clearly she did not know the hanger was not sound proof. The man’s head was ducked into the petals of the ship which muffled his response.
“Why are they going there?” she commented opening the fuel hatch.

“Don’t know. But I can guess.” the man said straightening and looking over at them. Ady saw his glance. “Breeding stock I’d wager.”

The woman made a face as she handed the fuel line to her partner. “Breeders? That’s terrible, prostituting their genetic material like that. But why send them in person? Seems a bit like shipping a cow to get some milk.”

She thought about this for a moment. The woman had just called her a cow. Was she upset? She prodded herself thoughtfully for a moment. No, her shield of disinterest was too strong for such a feeble attack. Ady dared a glance at the boy beside her. He seemed to show no offense at being compared to a barn yard animal. His eyes were glued to the PC in his hands. His large liquid eyes. Cow’s eyes.

Ady had been too distracted to hear much of the man’s response. Something about the genetic purity laws. The woman’s next question caught her attention.

“Why don’t those people at the way station just get people to move there and settle if they need some new genes so badly?”

Settle… stay at a way station. The thought was too absurd to even imagine. Clearly the mechanic had never actually been off planet. Hadn’t sidled along grating walls, listened to the droning of water purifiers, seen the suspicious glares from the colonists.

The man shook his head as if he too, knew how impossible it was. “The way stationers don’t like outsiders. If it wasn’t for the genetic drift they would never let anyone in. They practice endogamy.”

Endogamy, endogamy, endogamy… she cast her mind back to scour among the memories of her old science classes. The meaning of the word still eluded her. The woman was talking again but Ady stopped listening her eyes returned to roving the hallway. Soon the doctor would come to prep them and it would begin. Her last trip.

The mechanics were done fueling the ship. From the wall the man hefted a long thick tube and positioned the mouth over one of the glass pods. The woman pressed the controls and the rubber snake pulsed to life, regurgitating liquid into the oblong glass coffin.
The voices caught Ady’s attention once more.

“What is this, liquid oxygen?” she asked peering down curiously.

The man shook his head. “Water.”

“Water?” the woman repeated dumbly. “How is this going to keep them alive?”

As the man explained about the mammalian reflex, Ady’s mind wandered again. Through the thin canvas of her satchel she could feel the hard square of the notebook pressing into her abdomen. Her thin arms were wrapped tightly around the small bundle, the only possessions she had in the world.

“…if they’re too old they will simply drown.” the man finished. The boy beside Ady stopped the furious typing and craned his neck, suddenly, violently, towards the two mechanics. He had been listening after all. Ady allowed herself a small smile at the boy’s sudden anxiety.

Once the two Life Support System pods were filled, the mechanics had finished. They tucked away the various pipes back into the ceilings and walls of the prep room. The doors hissed open and the woman with her dark hair and dour face walked past the bench.

As the female mechanic passed, Ady opened her mouth and mooed. The sound was strange and cavernous. Sepulchral. Startled the woman stopped in her tracks then frowned and hurried away. Ady was disappointed. The mechanic had not even remembered her earlier comment. As the man followed behind his partner he turned his head towards Ady and gave her a small, conspiratorial wink.

The girl was disappointed. She had meant to make an enemy and instead had made a friend. Things never worked out the way she imagined.

Just as the footsteps of the mechanics were echoing away, new footsteps approached. Ady clutched her bag tigher. It was time.

She got changed in a small, brightly light room and tucked her clothes and her shoes into her bag. The thin gauze sheath was paper thin and she shivered in the air conditioning. She looked down at her toes on the bare floor. The spotless bare floor.

They led her into the ship. The doctor was standing between the two glass coffins, smiling with benevolence. His ruddy, round-cheeked face looked familiar somehow. The nurses took the bag from her fingers and stowed it away.

Next came the needles. With confident fingers the nurses quickly started IVs on the back of both of her hands. With a dull thrumming the machine leapt to life. Beside her, in a similar state of near nakedness, stood the boy. The computer was stripped from him now and his nervousness was palpable.

The doctor was droning on about the science behind the process. Surprisingly his explanation seemed less assured than that of the friendly mechanic. Ady had heard it all before anyhow. There was no real need to pay attention. The doctor was wrapping up his speech. Already he had passed all the familiar milestones, mammalian reflex, side effects, possible brain death, muscle atrophy. The nurses began herding the two travelers towards the glass bowls filled with water. Ady went readily, easily. The boy hesitated against their gentle but insistent hands. His large wet eyes were wide.

The IVs tugged slightly at the skin of her hands as Ady lowered herself into the LSS pod. The water was shockingly frigid and quickly soaked through the thin gauzy material of the medical gown. Already the drugs were roller-coastering down the tubes through her veins filling her with dizzy exhaustion. The room above spun, a kaleidoscope of white and silver. The doctor was droning on, still giving out instructions. Vaguely she could sense thrashing water next to her and saw the cow-eyed boy was panicking.

“Don’t worry, it’s all routine, you’ll be fine.” The doctor was soothing. The boy was gripping the sides of the LSS pod with white knuckles. One of the nurses was prying at his fingers trying to release his death grip.

“Just look at Adhara over here, she isn’t worried.” the doctor said fixing Ady with a smile. It was then that she remembered him. He had been there the second time, on her way to station 96. His face was older now, fatter but it was the same. The same insipid smile. Ady leaned back in the LSS pod the motion sending a wave of freezing water over her shoulder.

They said everyone panics the first time. Everyone but her. There was no trick to it. It was only a surrender. They said she was a natural. She let her body slide below the surface of the ice cold water, her hair floating up to frame the distorted view of the doctor looming over her.

Surrender, that was all there was to it. She had a talent for giving up. Always had.

Beneath the water, she closed her eyes.

[sarahdee]

I really liked it, some great descriptions and it made me laugh (like the bit were she prodded herself).

My only comments were a few small things - mostly punctuation

The hallway looked like the inside of a small intestine, a white, exceptionally clean, small intestine. Ady’s eyes scrolled along its twisting curvature idly. Her back was pressed against the bench beneath her ok, very picky of me but if its beneath her how can her back be against it :) I always think of a bench as not having a back. The bench, like the hallway was white and rounded, spotless and sterile. Ady kept her eyes on the hallway and avoided looking at the young man sitting beside her on the bench. More a boy than a young man. He was engrossed in his small, palm-sized computer, his thumbs beating out a staccato rhythm on the key pad

Footsteps sounded around one of the numerous bends of the intestinal hallway and Ady looked up expectantly. A tall, lanky man and a short, compact woman wearing mechanic's coveralls either rounded the corner.

It isn’t time yet. She thought and hugged her bag against her stomach.

The mechanics stopped in front of the bench, waved their hands across the security console and the glass doors hissed open. They proceeded into the large, high-ceilinged hanger opposite Ady. Sitting unimpressively in the center of the hanger was the ship. It was always smaller than she expected, a little white triangle that opens at the top like a blooming flower. And tucked inside the metal flower, two glass pods awaited.

The doors hissed closed shut? and the mechanics went about their work. Fuel pipes descended on command from the ceiling.

“Is that them?” the woman’s voice drifted through the thin glass doors. She hooked a thumb towards Ady and the boy. Clearly she did not know the hanger was not sound proof. The man’s head was ducked into the petals of the ship which muffled his response.
“Why are they going there?” she commented opening the fuel hatch.

“Don’t know. But I can guess.” the man said straightening and looking over at them. Ady saw his glance. “Breeding stock I’d wager.”

The woman made a face as she handed the fuel line to her partner. “Breeders? That’s terrible, prostituting their genetic material like that. But why send them in person? Seems a bit like shipping a cow to get some milk.”

She thought about this for a moment. The woman had just called her a cow. Was she upset? She prodded herself thoughtfully for a moment. No, her shield of disinterest was too strong for such a feeble attack. Ady dared a glance at the boy beside her. He seemed to show no offense at being compared to a barn yard animal. His eyes were glued to the PC in his hands. His large liquid eyes. Cow’s eyes.

Ady had been too distracted to hear much of the man’s response. Something about the genetic purity laws. The woman’s next question caught her attention.

“Why don’t those people at the way station just get people to move there and settle if they need some new genes so badly?”

Settle…? sStay at a way station? The thought was too absurd to even imagine. Clearly the mechanic had never actually been off planet. Hadn’t sidled along grating walls, listened to the droning of water purifiers, seen the suspicious glares from the colonists.

The man shook his head as if he too, knew how impossible it was. “The way stationers don’t like outsiders. If it wasn’t for the genetic drift they would never let anyone in. They practice endogamy.”

Endogamy, endogamy, endogamy… she cast her mind back to scour among the memories of her old science classes. The meaning of the word still eluded her. The woman was talking again but Ady stopped listening; her eyes returned to roving the hallway. Soon the doctor would come to prep them and it would begin. Her last trip.

The mechanics were done fueling the ship. From the wall the man hefted a long thick tube and positioned the mouth over one of the glass pods. The woman pressed the controls and the rubber snake pulsed to life, regurgitating liquid into the oblong glass coffin.
The voices caught Ady’s attention once more.

“What is this, liquid oxygen?” she asked peering down curiously.

The man shook his head. “Water.”

“Water?” the woman repeated dumbly. “How is this going to keep them alive?” I'm confused. isn't this woman a mechanic? Surely she should know?

As the man explained about the mammalian reflex, Ady’s mind wandered again. Through the thin canvas of her satchel she could feel the hard square of the notebook pressing into her abdomen. Her thin arms were wrapped tightly around the small bundle, the only possessions she had in the world.

“…if they’re too old they will simply drown.” the man finished. The boy beside Ady stopped the furious typing and craned his neck, suddenly, violently, towards the two mechanics. He had been listening after all. Ady allowed herself a small smile at the boy’s sudden anxiety.

Once the two Life Support System pods were filled, the mechanics had finished. They tucked away the various pipes back into the ceilings and walls of the prep room. The doors hissed open and the woman with her dark hair and dour face walked past the bench.

As the female mechanic passed, Ady opened her mouth and mooed. The sound was strange and cavernous. Sepulchral. Startled the woman stopped in her tracks then frowned and hurried away. Ady was disappointed. The mechanic had not even remembered her earlier comment. As the man followed behind his partner he turned his head towards Ady and gave her a small, conspiratorial wink.

The girl was disappointed. She had meant to make an enemy and instead had made a friend. Things never worked out the way she imagined.

Just as the footsteps of the mechanics were echoing away, new footsteps approached. Ady clutched her bag tighter. It was time.

She got changed in a small, brightly light room and tucked her clothes and her shoes into her bag. The thin gauze sheath was paper thin and she shivered in the air conditioning. She looked down at her toes on the bare floor. The spotless bare floor.

They led her into the ship. The doctor was standing between the two glass coffins, smiling with benevolence. His ruddy, round-cheeked face looked familiar somehow. The nurses took the bag from her fingers and stowed it away.

Next came the needles. With confident fingers the nurses quickly started IVs on the back of both of her hands. With a dull thrumming the machine leapt to life. Beside her, in a similar state of near nakedness, stood the boy. The computer was stripped from him now and his nervousness was palpable.

The doctor was droning on about the science behind the process. Surprisingly his explanation seemed less assured than that of the friendly mechanic. Ady had heard it all before anyhow. There was no real need to pay attention. The doctor was wrapping up his speech. Already he had passed all the familiar milestones, mammalian reflex, side effects, possible brain death, muscle atrophy. The nurses began herding the two travelers towards the glass bowls filled with water. Ady went readily, easily. The boy hesitated against their gentle but insistent hands. His large wet eyes were wide.

The IVs tugged slightly at the skin of her hands as Ady lowered herself into the LSS pod. The water was shockingly frigid and quickly soaked through the thin gauzy material of the medical gown. Already the drugs were roller-coastering down the tubes through her veins filling her with dizzy exhaustion. The room above spun, a kaleidoscope of white and silver. The doctor was droning on, still giving out instructions. Vaguely she could sense thrashing water next to her and saw the cow-eyed boy was panicking.

“Don’t worry, it’s all routine, you’ll be fine.” The doctor was soothing. The boy was gripping the sides of the LSS pod with white knuckles. One of the nurses was prying at his fingers trying to release his death grip.

“Just look at Adhara over here, she isn’t worried.” the doctor said fixing Ady with a smile. It was then that she remembered him. He had been there the second time, on her way to station 96. His face was older now, fatter but it was the same. The same insipid smile. Ady leaned back in the LSS pod the motion sending a wave of freezing water over her shoulder.

They said everyone panics the first time. Everyone but her. There was no trick to it. It was only a surrender. They said she was a natural. She let her body slide below the surface of the ice cold water, her hair floating up to frame the distorted view of the doctor looming over her.

Surrender, that was all there was to it. She had a talent for giving up. Always had.

Beneath the water, she closed her eyes.

[tmso]

Hello Emily,

I am new here, and somewhat new to writing, but I think I can offer you some advice that may or may not be helpful. I, too, write and enjoy Science Fiction. I will comment directly in your piece.

The hallway looked like the inside of a small intestine, a white, exceptionally clean small intestine[I know what you are trying to achieve by using the word intestine, but it didn't work for me, I kept expecting you to describe the corridor as knobby with lots of crooks and crannies]. Ady’s eyes scrolled along its twisting curvature idly[don't think you need 'idly']. Her back was pressed against the bench beneath her[passive sentence, don't think you need it, plus how does one press their back against a bench BENEATH them? Is she laying down or sitting?]. The bench, like the hallway was[again with 'was', just cut it out, how would it read without the 'was' and instead a comma?] white and rounded, spotless and sterile. Ady kept her eyes on the hallway and avoided looking at the young man sitting beside her on the bench. More a boy than a young man. He was engrossed in his small palm-sized computer, his thumbs beating out a staccato rhythm on the key pad[Need a period, also another passive sentence, why not: "Engrossed in his small palm-sized computer, his thumbs beat a staccato rhythm on the key pad."?]

Footsteps sounded around one of the numerous bends of the intestinal hallway and Ady looked up expectantly. A tall lanky man and a short compact woman wearing mechanics coveralls rounded the corner.

It isn’t time yet.[should this period be a comma?] she thought and hugged her bag against her stomach.

The mechanics[I didn't realize they were both mechanics, when you described them coming round the corner, I thought only the woman had coveralls on] stopped in front of the bench[comma] waved their hands across the security console and the glass doors hissed open. They proceeded into the large, high-ceilinged hanger opposite Ady. Sitting unimpressively in the center of the hanger was the ship.[Another passive sentence, why not: "The ship sat unimpressively in the center of the hanger."? Or "The ship squatted in the center of the hanger."? It was always smaller than she expected, a little white triangle that opens at the top like a blooming flower.[Consider: "Always smaller than she expected, a little white triangle opened at the top like a blooming flower.] And tucked inside the metal flower, two glass pods awaited.

The doors hissed closed and the mechanics went about their work. Fuel pipes descended on command from the ceiling.

“Is that them?” the woman’s voice drifted through the thin glass doors. She hooked a thumb towards Ady and the boy. Clearly[comma] she did not know the hanger was not sound proof. The man’s head was ducked into the petals of the ship which muffled his response.[Consider: "Head ducked inside the petals of the ship, the man answered, his response muffled." Or something like that. Again, I'm trying to get rid of the passive sentence. Passive sentences aren't bad, but you should use them sparingly and for affect. Of course, that's just my opinion! :) ]
“Why are they going there?” she commented[comma] opening the fuel hatch.

“Don’t know. But I can guess.[no period, comma]” the man said straightening and looking over at them. Ady saw his glance. “Breeding stock I’d wager.”

The woman made a face as she handed the fuel line to her partner. “Breeders? That’s terrible, prostituting their genetic material like that. But why send them in person? Seems a bit like shipping a cow to get some milk.”

She thought about this for a moment. The woman had just called her a cow. Was she upset? She prodded herself thoughtfully for a moment. No, her shield of disinterest was [cut 'was', does the sentence still read the same?]too strong for such a feeble attack. Ady dared a glance at the boy beside her. He seemed to show no offense at being compared to a barn yard animal. His eyes were glued to the PC in his hands.[See now, if you used the passive sentence here and not anywhere else, it would have more impact. The boy is just going along, not an active participant.] His large liquid eyes. Cow’s eyes.By the way, really liked this paragraph. Also, I'm only commenting, because I liked the piece as a whole, but thought it could be improved - again, just my opinion.]

Ady had been too distracted to hear much of the man’s response. Something about the genetic purity laws. The woman’s next question caught her attention.

“Why don’t those people at the way station just get people to move there and settle if they need some new genes so badly?”

Settle… stay at a way station. The thought was too absurd to even imagine. Clearly the mechanic had never actually been off planet. Hadn’t sidled along grating walls, listened to the droning of water purifiers, seen the suspicious glares from the colonists.

The man shook his head as if he too, knew how impossible it was. “The way stationers don’t like outsiders. If it wasn’t for the genetic drift they would never let anyone in. They practice endogamy.”

Endogamy, endogamy, endogamy… she cast her mind back to scour among the memories of her old science classes. The meaning of the word still eluded her. The woman was talking again but Ady stopped listening[comma] her eyes returned to roving the hallway. Soon the doctor would come to prep them and it would begin. Her last trip.

The mechanics were done fueling the ship. From the wall the man hefted a long thick tube and positioned the mouth over one of the glass pods. The woman pressed the controls and the rubber snake pulsed to life, regurgitating liquid into the oblong glass coffin.
The voices caught Ady’s attention once more.

“What is this, liquid oxygen?” she asked peering down curiously.

The man shook his head. “Water.”

“Water?” the woman repeated dumbly. “How is this going to keep them alive?”

As the man explained about the mammalian reflex, Ady’s mind wandered again. Through the thin canvas of her satchel[comma] she could feel the hard square of the notebook pressing into her abdomen. Her thin arms were[can this 'were' be cut?] wrapped tightly around the small bundle, the only possessions she had in the world.

“…if they’re too old they will simply drown.” the man finished. The boy beside Ady stopped the furious typing and craned his neck, suddenly, violently,[don't think you need both suddenly and violently] towards the two mechanics. He had been listening after all. Ady allowed herself a small smile at the boy’s sudden anxiety.

Once the two Life Support System pods were filled, the mechanics had finished. They tucked away the various pipes back into the ceilings and walls of the prep room. The doors hissed open[comma] and the woman with her dark hair and dour face walked past the bench.

As the female mechanic passed, Ady opened her mouth and mooed.[AWESOME! Made me smile. :) ] The sound was[cut this 'was'?] strange and cavernous. Sepulchral. Startled[comma] the woman stopped in her tracks then frowned and hurried away. Ady was disappointed. The mechanic had not even remembered her earlier comment. As the man followed behind his partner[comma] he turned his head towards Ady and gave her a small, conspiratorial wink.

The girl was disappointed.[Repeat, and whose is "the girl"?] She had meant to make an enemy and instead had made a friend. Things never worked out the way she imagined. [Great - like this.]

Just as the footsteps of the mechanics were echoing away, new footsteps approached. Ady clutched her bag tigher. It was time.

She got changed in a small, brightly light room and tucked her clothes and her shoes into her bag. The thin gauze sheath was paper thin and she shivered in the air conditioning.[Suggest: The thin gauze sheath paper thin, she shivered in the air conditioning.] She looked down at her toes on the bare floor. The spotless bare floor.

They led her into the ship. The doctor was standing between the two glass coffins[are they really coffins? Or do they just seem that way to her?], smiling with benevolence. His ruddy, round-cheeked face looked familiar somehow[cut 'somehow']. The nurses took the bag from her fingers and stowed it away.

Next came the needles. With confident fingers[comma] the nurses quickly started IVs on the back of both of[I think you can cut 'both of'] her hands. With a dull thrumming the machine leapt to life. Beside her, in a similar state of near nakedness, stood the boy. The computer was stripped from him now and his nervousness was palpable. [Consider: The computer stripped from him now, his nervousness was palpable.]

The doctor was droning on about the science behind the process. [Consider: The doctor droned on about the science behind the process.]Surprisingly[comma] his explanation seemed less assured than that of the friendly mechanic. Ady had heard it all before anyhow. There was no real need to pay attention. The doctor was wrapping up his speech. Already he had passed all the familiar milestones, mammalian reflex, side effects, possible brain death, muscle atrophy. The nurses began herding the two travelers towards the glass bowls filled with water. Ady went readily, easily. The boy hesitated against their gentle but insistent hands. His large wet eyes were[cut 'were'?] wide.

The IVs tugged slightly at the skin of her hands as Ady lowered herself into the LSS pod. The water was shockingly frigid and quickly soaked through the thin gauzy material of the medical gown.Consider: Shockingly frigid, the water quickly soaked through the thin gauzy material of the medical gown.] Already the drugs were roller-coastering down the tubes through her veins filling her with dizzy exhaustion. [Consider: Already the drugs roller-coastered down the tubes through...]The room above spun, a kaleidoscope of white and silver. The doctor was droning[repeat] on, still giving out instructions. Vaguely she could sense thrashing water next to her and saw the cow-eyed boy was panicking.

“Don’t worry, it’s all routine, you’ll be fine.” The doctor was soothing.[Consider: The doctor soothed.] The boy was gripping the sides of the LSS pod with white knuckles.[Consider: The boy gripped the sides of the LSS...] One of the nurses was prying at his fingers trying to release his death grip.[One of the nurses pried at his...]

“Just look at Adhara over here, she isn’t worried.[comma, no period]” the doctor said fixing Ady with a smile. It was then that she remembered him. He had been there the second time, on her way to station 96. His face was older now, fatter but it was the same. The same insipid smile. Ady leaned back in the LSS pod[comma] the motion sending a wave of freezing water over her shoulder.

They said everyone panics the first time. Everyone but her. There was no trick to it. It was only a surrender. They said she was a natural. She let her body slide below the surface of the ice cold water, her hair floating up to frame the distorted view of the doctor looming over her.

Surrender, that was all there was to it. She had a talent for giving up. Always had.

Beneath the water, she closed her eyes.

Very much enjoyed this. I would keep reading. Good luck and remember my comments are just suggestions, and probably bad ones at that. ;)

[SteveYodaScott]

Skip down to the end to see my overall thoughts. But for starters, I really really like this. I am looking forward to (and hoping for) more.

The hallway looked like the inside of a small intestine, a white, exceptionally clean small intestine (I love this opening image, but wonder if it would be more affective simply writing, "The hallway looked like the inside of a white, exceptionally clean small intestine.". Ady’s eyes scrolled along its twisting curvature love this image idly. Her back was pressed against the bench beneath her. The bench, like the hallway was white and rounded, spotless and sterile. Ady kept her eyes on the hallway and avoided looking at the young man sitting beside her on the bench. comma here instead of period?More a boy than a young man. He was engrossed in his small palm-sized computer, his thumbs beating out a staccato rhythm again, great image! I love how you show vs. tell the reader. really strong writing (in my opinion :) )on the key pad

Footsteps sounded around one of the numerous bends of the intestinal I would either say, "numerous bends of the hallway," or "numerous bends of the intestine". "intestinal hallway" seems forced to me. Of my options, I think I would go with the first because the second could be confusing.hallway and Ady looked up expectantly. A tall lanky man and a short compact woman wearing mechanics coveralls rounded the corner.

It isn’t time yet.puncuation she thought and hugged her bag against her stomach.love this image, makes me feel what she is thinking/feeling

The mechanics stopped in front of the bench waved their hands across the security console and the glass doors hissed open. They proceeded into the large, high-ceilinged hanger opposite Ady. perhaps here: "she could see... " to specifiy that she still holds the point of view Sitting unimpressively in the center of the hanger was the ship. It was always smaller than she expected, a little white triangle that opens tense? at the top like a blooming flower. And lose "and" tucked inside the metal flower, two glass pods awaited.

The doors hissed closed and the mechanics went about their work. again, "Ady could see..." or something that communicates this Fuel pipes descended on command from the ceiling.

“Is that them?” the woman’s voice drifted through the thin glass doors. She hooked a thumb towards Ady and the boy. Clearly she did not know the hanger was not sound proof. The man’s head was ducked into the petals of the ship which muffled his response.
“Why are they going there?” she commented opening the fuel hatch. i found this part confusing at first given I wasn't sure who "the woman" was until I figured that she was one of the mechanics. I think you need to establish that there was a male and female mechanic when you introduce them.

“Don’t know. But I can guess.” the man said straightening and looking over at them. Ady saw his glance. “Breeding stock I’d wager.”

The woman made a face as she handed the fuel line to her partner. “Breeders? That’s terrible, prostituting their genetic material like that. But why send them in person? Seems a bit like shipping a cow to get some milk.” love this line

She thought about this for a moment. The woman had just called her a cow. Was she upset? She prodded herself thoughtfully for a moment. No, her shield of disinterest was too strong for such a feeble attack. Ady dared a glance at the boy beside her. He seemed to show no offense at being compared to a barn yard animal. His eyes were glued to the PC in his hands. His large liquid eyes. Cow’s eyes. love it

Ady had been too distracted to hear much of the man’s response. Something about the genetic purity laws. The woman’s next question caught her attentionadd at end: "though".

“Why don’t those people at the way station just get people to move there and settle if they need some new genes so badly?”

Settle… stay at a way station. The thought was too absurd to even imagine. Clearly the mechanic had never actually been off planet. Hadn’t sidled along grating walls, listened to the droning of water purifiers, seen the suspicious glares from the colonists.

The man shook his head as if he too, loose commaknew how impossible it was. “The way stationers don’t like outsiders. If it wasn’t for the genetic drift they would never let anyone in. They practice endogamy.”

Endogamy, endogamy, endogamy… she cast her mind back to scour among the memories of her old science classes. The meaning of the word still eluded her. The woman was talking again but Ady stopped listening her eyes returned to roving the hallway. Soon the doctor would come to prep them and it would begin. Her last trip.

The mechanics were done fueling the ship. From the wall the man hefted a long thick tube and positioned the mouth over one of the glass pods. The woman pressed the controls and the rubber snake pulsed to life, regurgitating liquid into the oblong glass coffin.
The voices caught Ady’s attention once more.

“What is this, liquid oxygen?” she asked peering down curiously.

The man shook his head. “Water.”

“Water?” the woman repeated dumbly. “How is this going to keep them alive?” For some reason, I'm not believing this character. Would she really be a mechanic and not know this stuff? Even if she was new? Because I'm not believing her, I feel a bit like information dumping is happening. What I mean is that I'm aware that the writer is trying to inform me to the world, context etc that Ady is in. It feels a bit forced.

As the man explained about the mammalian reflex, Ady’s mind wandered again. Through the thin canvas of her satchel she could feel the hard square of the "her" instead of thenotebook pressing into her abdomen. Her thin arms were wrapped tightly around the small bundle, the only possessions she had in the world.

“…if they’re too old they will simply drown.” the man finished. The boy beside Ady stopped the furious typing and craned his neck, suddenly, violently, towards the two mechanics. He had been listening after all. Ady allowed herself a small smile at the boy’s sudden anxiety.

Once the two Life Support System pods were filled, the mechanics had finished. They tucked away the various pipes back into the ceilings and walls of the prep room. The doors hissed open and the woman with her dark hair and dour face walked past the bench.

As the female mechanic passed, Ady opened her mouth and mooed. The sound was strange and cavernous. Sepulchral. Startledcomma the woman stopped in her tracks then frowned and hurried away. Ady was disappointed. The mechanic had not even remembered her earlier comment. As the man followed behind his partner he turned his head towards Ady and gave her a small, conspiratorial wink.love this moment, very funny and seems to establish Ady as a bit of a rebel. If that is the intent, great show vs. tell.

The girl was disappointed. She had meant to make an enemy and instead had made a friendnot bying this one either. how was she trying to make an enemy of the boy? . Things never worked out the way she imagined.

Just as the footsteps of the mechanics were echoing away, new footsteps approached. Ady clutched her bag tigher.love how you develop this image to build Ady and the reader's sense of dread/anxiety. It was time.

She got changed in a small, brightly light room and tucked her clothes and her shoes into her bag. The thin use of "thin" repetative. drop the first use. gauze sheath was paper thin and she shivered in the air conditioning. She looked down at her toes on the bare floor. drop last sentence and just say "She looked down at her toes on the spotless bare floor." I like this image too. It gives me the sense that she is introducing something dirty into this clean environment, and/or simultaneously introducing life and color into a sterile someone life-less environment. The spotless bare floor.

They led her into the ship. The doctor was standing between the two glass coffins, smiling with benevolence. His ruddy, round-cheeked face looked familiar somehow. The nurses took the bag from her fingers and stowed it away.perhaps establish here that Ady is clutching her bag still as they sort of pry it away. Or maybe she hands it over slowly? Your images of her anxiety expressed through clutching her bag has been pervasive and I think it would be effective to continue this image here as a way of maintaining her anxiety, especially given the next line of the next paragraph

Next came the needles. great crisp line With confident fingers the nurses quickly started IVs on the back of both of her hands. perhaps combine these two sentances With a dull thrumming the machine leapt to life. Beside her, in a similar state of near nakednessi think this "near nakedness" needed to be established earlier with Ady , stood the boy. The computer was stripped from him now and his nervousness was palpable show me his nervousness .

perhaps begin this with some sort of lead in, like "meanwhile" or "while the unlikely couple stood together half-naked, the doctor was droning on..."The doctor was droning on about the science behind the process. Surprisingly his explanation seemed less assured than that of the friendly mechanic. Ady had heard it all before anyhow. There was no real need to pay attention. i love how i feel i'm getting to know Ady's character with sentences like this. Good writing. The doctor was wrapping up his speech. Already he had passed all the familiar milestones, mammalian reflex, side effects, possible brain death, muscle atrophy. The nurses began herding the two travelers towards the glass bowls filled with water. Ady went readily, easily. The boy hesitated against their gentle but insistent hands. His large wet eyes were wide.

The IVs tugged slightly at the skin of her hands as Ady lowered herself into the LSS pod. The water was shockingly frigid and quickly soaked through the thin gauzy material of the medical gown. Already the drugs were roller-coastering great image!down the tubes through her veins filling her with dizzy exhaustion. The room above maybe better: "the room spun around her"?spun, a kaleidoscope of white and silver. The doctor was droning on, still giving out instructions. Vaguely she could sense thrashing water next to her and saw the cow-eyed boy was panicking.

“Don’t worry, it’s all routine, you’ll be fine.” The doctor was soothing. The boy was gripping the sides of the LSS pod with white knuckles. One of the nurses was prying at his fingers trying to release his death "death" seems too strong here for some reason grip.

“Just look at Adhara over here, she isn’t worried.” the doctor said fixing "fixing with a smile" ??? Cliche?Ady with a smile. It was then that she remembered him. He had been there the second time, on her way to station 96. His face was older now, fatter but it was the same. The same insipid smile. really good Ady leaned back in the LSS pod the motion sending a wave of freezing water over her shoulderleft shoulder? right? shoulders?.

They said everyone panics the first time. Everyone but her. There was no trick to it. It was only a surrender. They said she was a natural. She let her body slide below the surface of the ice cold water, her hair floating up to frame the distorted view of the doctor looming over her.

Surrender, that was all there was to it. She had a talent for giving up. Always had.

Beneath the water, she closed her eyes.

I really like this. I want to read more. I love how you establish Ady as a rebel, and yet establish that she has given up. I think this complexity is brilliantly depicted. Not easy to do! I love your strong non-passive writing. I love your images. I love the "roller-coastering" moments that are not forced. Most of all I am really drawn in by your story, find myself caring about the principle character (especially the main character Ady), compelled by the questions you raise and leave unanswered for the time being and because of all this, compelled to keep reading. There are a few grammar issues that I see others noted. There are a couple wordings that feel clunky. The section where you have the mechanics talking about the upcoming process feels more like information dumping then dreadfully foreshadowing what is to come for Ady and the boy. But even given this, I love this story thus far and really like your writing

[SteveYodaScott]

Emily, if you are interested, I have a 1st page excerpt posted for feedback in this forum (steveyoda). I'd love your thoughts if you have a few moments.

Thanks much,

Steve

[Callum]

My first feedback. Tried to be as helpful as possible!

I figured it was about time I posted some of my own writing. Below are the first 5 pages of a science fiction novel in progress. I would appreciate any and all feedback! I am guilty of oftentimes writing in a vacuum. Let me know if it's too exposition-y (cuz that's totally a word).

The hallway looked like the inside of a small intestine, a white, exceptionally clean small intestine. Ady’s eyes scrolled along its twisting curvature idly.link these together with a comma Her back was pressed against the bench beneath her. The bench, like the hallway was white and rounded, spotless and sterileYou should mention that the bench is the same color in the previous sentence. Ady kept her eyes on the hallway and avoided looking at the young man boy sitting beside her on the bench.link with comma More a boy than a young man. He was engrossed in his small palm-sized computer, his thumbs beating out a staccato rhythm on the key pad

Footsteps sounded around one of the numerous bends of the intestinal hallway and Ady looked up expectantly. A tall lanky man and a short compact woman wearing mechanics coveralls rounded the corner.

It isn’t time yet. she thought and hugged her bag against her stomach.

The mechanics stopped in front of the bench commawaved their hands across the security console and the glass doors hissed open. They proceeded into the large, high-ceilinged hanger oppositeAdy to her. Sitting unimpressively in the center of the hanger was the ship. It was always smaller than she expected, a little white triangle that opens at the top like a blooming flower. Andtucked inside the metal flower, two glass pods awaited.

The doors hissed closed and the mechanics went about their work.as Fuel pipes descended on command from the ceiling.

“Is that them?” the woman’s voice drifted through the thin glass doors. Shehookeding a thumb towards Ady and the boy. Clearly she did not know the hanger was not sound proof. The man’s head was ducked into the petals of the ship which muffled his response.
“Why are they going there?” she commented opening the fuel hatch.

“Don’t know. But I can guess.” the man said straightening and looking over at them. Ady saw his glance. “Breeding stock I’d wager.”

The woman made a face as she handed the fuel line to her partner. “Breeders? That’s terrible, prostituting their genetic material like that. But why send them in person? Seems a bit like shipping a cow to get some milk.”

She thought about this for a moment. The woman had just called her a cow. Was she upset?She prodded herself thoughtfully for a moment, probing for any emotion. No, her shield of disinterest was too strong for such a feeble attack. Ady dared a glance at the boy beside her. He seemed to show no offense at being compared to a barn yard animal. His eyes were glued to the PC in his hands. His large liquid eyes. Cow’s eyes. liked that

Ady had been too distracted to hear much of the man’s response. Something about the genetic purity laws. The woman’s next question caught her attention.

“Why don’t those people at the way station just get people to move there and settle if they need some new genes so badly?”

Settle… stay at a way station. The thought was too absurd to even imagine. Clearly the mechanic had never actually been off planet. Hadn’t sidled along grating walls, listened to the droning of water purifiers, seen the suspicious glares from the colonists.

The man shook his head as if he too, knew how impossible it was. “The way stationers don’t like outsiders. If it wasn’t for the genetic drift they would never let anyone in. They practice endogamy.”

Endogamy, endogamy, endogamy… she cast her mind back to scour among the memories of her old science classes. The meaning of the word still eluded her. The woman was talking again but Ady stopped listening her eyes returned to roving the hallway. Soon the doctor would come to prep them and it would begin. Her last trip.

The mechanics were done fueling the ship. From the wall the man hefted a long thick tube and positioned the mouth over one of the glass pods. The woman pressed the controls and the rubber snake pulsed to life, regurgitating liquid into the oblong glass coffin. The voices caught Ady’s attention once more.
The voices caught Ady’s attention once more.

“What is this, liquid oxygen?” she asked peering down curiously.

The man shook his head. “Water.”

“Water?” the woman repeated dumbly. “How is this going to keep them alive?”

As the man explained about the mammalian reflex, Ady’s mind wandered again. Through the thin canvas of her satchel she could feel the hard square of the notebook pressing into her abdomen. Her thin arms were wrapped tightly around the small bundle, the only possessions she had in the world.

“…if they’re too old they will simply drown.” the man finished. The boy beside Ady stopped the furious typing and suddenly craned his neck, suddenly, violently, towards the two mechanics. He had been listening after all. Ady allowed herself a small smile at the boy’s sudden anxiety.

Once the two Life Support System pods were filled, the mechanics hadfinished. They tucked away the various pipes back into the ceilings and walls of the prep room. The doors hissed open and the what woman? The same as before?woman with her dark hair and dour face walked past the bench.

As the femaleshe mechanic passed, Ady opened her mouth and mooed. The sound was strange and cavernous. Sepulchral doesn't fit in at all. Just say gloomy or what not. Startled, the woman stopped in her tracks then, frowned and hurried away. Ady was disappointed.; The mechanic had not even remembered her earlier comment. As the man followed behind his partner he turned his head towards Ady and gave her a small, conspiratorial wink.

The girl was disappointed., She had meant to make an enemy and instead had made a friend. Things never worked out the way she imagined.

Just as the footsteps of the mechanics were echoing away, new footsteps approached. Ady clutched her bag tigher. It was time.

She got changed in a small, brightly light room and tucked her clothes and her shoes into her bag. The thin gauze sheath was paper thin and she shivered in the air conditioning. She looked down at her toes on the spotlessbare floor.The spotless bare floor.

They who, the mechanics? please stateled her into the ship. The doctor was standing between the two glass coffins, smiling with benevolence. His ruddy, round-cheeked face looked familiar somehow. The nurses took the bag from her fingers and stowed it away.

Next came the needles.With confident fingers the nurses quickly started IVs on the back of both of her hands. With a dull thrumming the machine leapt to life. Beside her, in a similar state of near nakedness, stood the boy. The computer was stripped from him now and his nervousness doesn't fit, sounds awkward. Maybe 'fear' would suffice?was palpable.

The doctor was droning on about the science behind the process. Surprisingly his explanation seemed less assured than that of the friendly mechanic. Ady had heard it all before anyhow. There was no real need to pay attention. I don't think you need to say this - it draws attention to the fact that you don't know what the Science is, eitherThe doctor was wrapping up his speech. Already he had passed all the familiar milestones, mammalian reflex, side effects, possible brain death, muscle atrophy. The nurses began herding the two travelers towards the glass bowls filled with water. Ady went readily, easily. The boy hesitated against their gentle but insistent hands., Hhis large wet eyes were wide.

The IVs tugged slightly at the skin ofher hands as Ady lowered herself into the LSS pod. The water was shockingly frigid doesn't fit, just say callous or cold, or something and quickly soaked through the thin gauzy material of the medical gown. Already the drugs were roller-coastering down the tubes through her veins filling her with dizzy exhaustion. The room above spun, span/spun ina kaleidoscope of white and silver. The doctor was droning on, still giving out instructions. Vaguely she could vaguely sense thrashing water next to her and saw the cow-eyed boy was panicking.

“Don’t worry, it’s all routine, you’ll be fine.” The doctor was soothing. The boy was gripping the sides of the LSS pod with white knuckles. One of the nurses was prying at his fingers trying to release his death grip.

“Just look at Adhara over here, she isn’t worried.” the doctor said fixing Ady with a smile. It was then that she remembered him. He had been there the second time, on her way to station 96. His face was older now, fatter but it was the same. The same insipid smile. Ady leaned back in the LSS pod the motion sending a wave of freezing water over her shoulder.

They said everyone panics the first time. Everyone but her. There was no trick to it., It was only a surrender. They said she was a natural. She let her body slide below the surface of the ice cold water, her hair floating up to frame the distorted view of the doctor looming over her.

Surrender, that was all there was to it. She had a talent for giving up., Always had.

Beneath the water, she closed her eyes.

The last few sentences were really good - made me want to read more of your story. A few nitpicky things, but it's getting there! I have an excerpt page a few posts down - would love it if you'd take a few minutes of your time to read through it! It's under the Fallen Angel title

[Emily J]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and make comments! I really appreciate the feedback.

The bench line troubled me as I wrote it but I figured I was overthinking it, just goes to show you should always trust your instincts. I will definitely rephrase that.

Also, tmso your comments about the passive sentence structure are well taken. I think the passive voice fits the tone but I agree I was over-doing it.


Again, thanks for the suggestions everyone!

[shadow]

I actually liked this quite a bit Emily! way to go! The intestine part sort of confused me and threw me off though but that might be just me.