I read an earlier version of this a while back. I think cutting down on the rookie's long winded exposition helps. But you still have some problems with the way you are revealing information. It's often too much telling and not enough showing. Also, the imagery could be a bit clearer. Rik's description was good, but otherwise I don't really have a clear picture of what things/people look like. What color is titanium? I don't actually know. Also I found Exo confusing since XO means Executive Officer in military jargo. But they are just foot soldiers by the sound of it. Perhaps another name for the exo-skeleton soldiers? And the military language was all very generic. I would expect more acronyms and code words since the military is full of them (just look at FUBAR or SNAFU) and by the sound of it these guys have been working together for awhile (except the rookie obvsiouly). Also, is HADES an acronym? Because that might be one to spell out for the reader. Aside from proofreading issues, I guess this reads a bit generic to me, try putting in more specific unique details and clearer imagery to ground the reader. Make this exciting intro as vivid and specific as possible and if it captures the attention then readers will stick around for the explanations.drewes202 wrote:This is my science fiction that i have finished, and I'm sending it out to agents at the moment. I posted this on the forums here a while back, but have since made a ton of changes to the book, hopefully for the better. The book is called Hounds of Heaven, and without going into to much detail Starship troopers with vampires...kind of. let me know what you think.
The acidic rain splashing through the open door gives me a boost of excitement. That same feeling I get before any battle. this sentence doesn't add anything Adrenaline courses through my veins, preparing me for the upcoming fight, making me the best warrior I can be. The last time I was scared before battle was a couple thousand years ago. Back then I was a human, scared of dying. A lot has changed since then. since they are in a helicopter it might help to give the idea of movement, that the rain changes direction as the copter banks etc.
I head up toward the cockpit to talk to Grinder, the craziest bat-shit i have always seen bat-shit used as an adjective, sounds weird as a noun of a pilot flying for HADES. A pilot fixated on what he’s read about gunslingers in the Old West. Ever since we rescued him from a sapien labor camp he’s been flying for my crew. I don’t know of anyone else who can handle the anti-gravity transport ships like him. It’s what he was born to do. this exposition is too transparent, might be better to save the details of his life for later, or reveal through his actions, this is telling rather than showing
“Hey, Grinder, when we get close, just set it up so we can freefall, and after that just keep under the radar.”
“Sure thing. The only problem is, we’re not getting any kind of radar because of all this rain—we’re flying blind. We might crash right into our fucking drop zone.”
“Just get us close, and I’ll take care of the rest.” I pat Grinder on the shoulder to reassure him that this drop is no different than the hundreds before it.
I look out the window and hope the sky is blue: why would the sky be blue when it's pouring rain? maybe we’re flying toward Oz. But I still see the dirty dark shithole I call home. Home, sweet home …
“Alright, Hounds, suit up and get ready: we’re dropping in blind. Check your gear and the brother next to you. We drop in five minutes.”
The rookies been talking this entire time one rookie? Then it should be "The rookie's been talking" but I’ve been trying to shut out his pre-combat excitement jitters. Some ramble on about family, life, or they preach. This one appears to be a preacher.
“Y’know, were’ we're apostrophe in the wrong place all engulfed by a disease, a sickness has enslaved humanity and sold us to the highest bidder. Christ comma the rest of us live like dogs is this pun intentional? under the city. What was is, it not is eight hundred years ago vampires and demons were made public? The Anti-Christ himself on T.V letting everyone hear that the end is near, and we have a side to choose. I remember seeing the old news vids in school. We pick his side he’ll make sure we live lives like a king, live lives is redundant, plus doesn't sound right to the ears or we go against him, and perish. Looks like he won...” Dext’s rant drifts off as he continues to check his equipment missing punctuation - you have reduced the amount of exposition but what remains still doesn't sound like believable dialogue to me
Tell me something I don’t know. I was there when this all happened, and witnessed the destruction we all faced first hand. No one saw it coming, and when it did contradicts "No one saw it coming" and what does "it" refer to? there wasn’t anything any of us could do about it. Maybe "No one saw it coming, and even if we had, there was nothing any of us could have done."
Click….click….click. The explosive uranium rounds go smoothly into my magazine. is the uranium radioactive? if so could it be jacketed in lead?
The three Exo Soldiers latch their armored helmets onto their exo-skeleton power-armor suits. awkward, armor used twice, power-armor suits feels redundant Each rugged metal alloy suit isn’t much larger than the soldier wearing it, but the suit’s the only thing protecting their fragile human bodies from the damage they’re about to take. The Titanium-colored plating is full of dents and scratches where bullets have impacted the armor. could be rephrased to read stronger "The titanium plating is dented and scratched from bullets." The visors are no longer clear from the beating they’ve taken over time. Massive hulks of metal that serve as humanity’s saviors, their only defense against the hostile world they now live in. this sentence doesn't really make sense, or read correctly, their is another indefinite pronoun, as is they, who are you talking about?
The Exos fix themselves into their freefall pods. Rik and I do the same. I keep my light armor on, but Rik has already stripped off all of his gear and clothing, getting ready to transform into an unstoppable warrior. As my freefall pod hatch opens, I can feel the cool breeze and smell the acidic rain falling down. already used "acidic rain" is it literally acid? or polluted?
“Everyone get ready. I’m initiating manual freefall on the count of three,” I shout.
“One … Two …” I pull the lever early, every little bit counts to try and keep my men on their toes.
As the freefall pods spiral down from the Hounds’ anti-gravity transport ship, the pods’ rocket systems kick in. I misjudged the AT elevation; it’s too late to stop the pods from slamming through the roof and crashing into the top floor of the blood bank.
The room is filled with dust, broken ceiling tiles, and flickering lights from the dangling fixtures we’ve knocked off above. I check myself and smell the room, making sure we didn’t just freefall into the barracks of vampire enforcers guarding this place. Everything’s clear.
“Everyone give me a head count,” I call out. “Check yourself and the guy next to you.”
The team rattles off the okay, and I get them together. We form two teams. Rik, Logan, and Dozer go off toward the elevator shaft. The two Exos did one die? there were three a few paragraphs ago... are working on prying the doors open when the monitor on top flickers, showing that the elevator is coming up. The Exos step aside, glancing at Rik. His massive comma dark frame is much larger than the Exos around him, and his powerful arms and legs brace for combat, dark skin stretched over too much muscle. used the word dark twice, do you mean swarthy or black? it's unclear A small amount of hair covers his back and head—black fur mixed in with strands of gray. He resembles the ancient animal Canis lupus, fused with a bodybuilder. the rest of the paragraph is disconnected from what precedes it We can move on all fours or on two legs, but using all four gives us increased speed, and maneuverability. All of us have differences when we change, but we mostly look the same to an outsider. Rik has a split in his left ear from a silver arrow that pierced it twelve hundred years ago.
Rik is hunched over, his back legs bent, ready to spring, and his front claws dig into the concrete floor. I grab Dext and make him watch what the poor fools in the elevator are about to meet. As the elevator door dings, Rik’s face shows a small hint of excitement; a slight smile comes across his large row of fangs and his ears pull slightly back. The door opens, and bullets spray everywhere, hitting Rik in the chest, legs, and arms, but it won’t help—in changed form, little can stop us, or even harm us for that matter.
The vampire enforcers inside the elevator scream as Rik rips them apart. His claws rip through their basic-issue combat suits, and his teeth tear open their pale white flesh.
“Hey, Rik,” I call after a moment, as their screams fade, “you done fucking around? I have a blood bank I’d like to take down sometime tonight.”
Rik sticks his head out from the elevator doors; the blood on his muzzle mats the fur covering his face. Fresh blood drips from his mouth, forming a pool underneath him.
“Just cut the shit and get downstairs,” I shout
We’re able to communicate telepathically in changed form and out, but I don’t like anyone being inside my head but me and my demons. more exposition, also seems unnecessary
We keep working our way down the stairs, hoping to find the observation floor. Still no luck. The transmission coming through my earpiece interrupts my thoughts.
“Four enforcers down in Sublevel 1, Copy?”
“Copy last, just keeping moving forward.”
That leaves two more enforcers and three scientists.
We finally get to the door we need. Beyond it lies the observation room, with two enforcers guarding the entrance. The glass barrier surrounding them has to be bullet-proof, and possibly explosive-proof, so I’m gonna have to go in silent.
“Dext, sit tight and monitor radio traffic from the other team. Stay out of sight until I take these enforcers down.”
“You sure? I could distract ’em from the other side of the barrier, maybe even go in there and test out my hand-to-hand combat skills in my mech.”
I walk away, hoping I didn’t make a mistake bringing him with me. “Stay put, rookie.”
Rookies: they always want to rush in and be the hero but end up getting shot and leaving me to clean up after them. I hate cleaning up rookies; they always stink.
I decide to go old-school and pull out the silver kopis sword held next to the rifle on my back. Lucky for me, vampires’ sense of smell is not so great after they’ve been hitting the dust all night. I fucking hate junkies. I take both of their heads before they even have time to react to my smell.
Dom, we have the rest of the scientists in the main control room, copy?
The transmission through the communications link comes through loud and clear. Each soldier in HADES is surgically implanted with a comm. link in their right ear. Each implant has millions of source code for secured radio transmissions. A main communications center back at our headquarters monitors all incoming and outgoing radio transmissions. more exposition
Yeah, I gotcha. The other two enforcers are down. We’re heading your way now.
I signal for Dext to follow me through the observation room entrance. We see Team 2 and their captives through the glass ceiling of the control room. The laboratories are encased in glass so the scientists’ work can be observed. A lot of money is invested in blood banks, and the owners don’t want their money going to waste through the incompetence of some two-bit scientist with his head up his ass. It’s also no surprise that Tartarus enforcement agents would rather use fear than diplomacy to make workers more efficient. The glass lets the scientists see that they are being watched, and if anyone takes a second longer on their lunch break they get a round through the head from one of the agents.
Rik’s men force the three captive scientists to their knees. I stand in front of them with my arms folded. “I’m not here to play games; just tell me which family owns this place, and we’ll let all of you go.”
“We don’t know!” whines one of the scientists. “We were kidnapped and brou—”
My Colt .45 apostrophe s are already out, and the hammer falls down, hitting the firing pin, pushing the bullet out of the barrel. The silver-tipped round enters the vampire scientist’s forehead and comes to rest in the floor behind him, spraying bits of concrete. I can smell the gunpowder in the air, and my other gun presses against the next scientist’s head, locked and loaded before his colleague’s body slumps down next to him.
“That’s one of you bloodsuckers down—who’s next?”
“He told you the truth,” snivels the second scientist. “We’ve been forced to work here by—”
More concrete bits spray into the air. but... wasn't he about to say by whom?
Both of my .45s move to the last vampire.
“Okay, okay, listen, just listen!” he begs. “I know which family.”
I don’t say anything—just keep my .45s pressed against his forehead.
“There’s a data terminal in the next room: all of the information you need is on that terminal.” err so he knows which family but doesn't say?
I walk away, leaving two circle indents on his forehead; I’m done wasting my bullets.
“Oh thank you, thank you!” the last scientist gibbers. “I can’t believ—”
His words are cut short, as I hear the sounds of an exo’s before you capitalized Exo, be consistent blade being drawn, cutting through the vampire’s back, piercing his heart, and being run up his body through the top of his head. I can feel the mist of blood fall on the back of my neck.
Best of luck-
