Query - The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce - Mainstrm

[atdeluca]

Thanks Quill! Rewriting now!

[atdeluca]

NEW VERSION

Kept the marketing part because it implies I will market the hell out of my book if taken on (meaning bigger paycheck for the agent if I'm successful).

That being said, I'm considering scrapping and trying again. It still feels sloppy.

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Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce cannot remember his childhood.

When an unexpected package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten youth comes knocking. Containing nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to ignore the package or answer the unknown sender's request and pursue his forgotten biological family.

Driven by curiosity, Nicholas decides to journey to his birthplace to shed light on the life he can't remember.

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local café who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his parents, with Nicholas struggling manage his compulsive rituals along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the shirts on their backs, each new encounter offers new information that brings them closer to uncovering Nicholas' mysterious past.

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a commercial novel of 60,000 words.

I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig (circulation: 40,000) and have contributed regularly to several high-traffic entertainment and corporate blogs. I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

[Emily J]

NEW VERSION

Kept the marketing part because it implies I will market the hell out of my book if taken on (meaning bigger paycheck for the agent if I'm successful).

That being said, I'm considering scrapping and trying again. It still feels sloppy.

---


Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce cannot remember his childhood. i liked the other opening line better missing five years of his life is more specific and to me, more interesting

When an unexpected package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten youth comes knocking. Containing nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true would use birth parents here, not true parents, not only because it is clearer, but also because referring to birth parents as true parents is not particularly sensitive to adoptive parents, IMHO parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to ignore the package or answer the unknown sender's request and pursue his forgotten biological family.

Driven by curiosity, Nicholas decides to journey to his birthplace to shed light on the life he can't remember.

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local café who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his parents, with Nicholas struggling manage his compulsive rituals without the mention of OCD this seems a bit out of left field, struggling to control his obsessive compulsive disorder perhaps? just a thought, I know what you mean by rituals but not everyone might along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the shirts on their backs, each new encounter offers new information that brings them closer to uncovering Nicholas' mysterious past. i wouldn't use the word mysterious, but that is a pet peeve of mine, I think it is overused in so many queries (in fact I think I may have used it in mine...)

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a commercial novel of 60,000 words.

I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig (circulation: 40,000) and have contributed regularly to several high-traffic entertainment and corporate blogs. I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

I think this query is pretty good. I had a few suggestions but honestly I think it's just about there. Of course if you want to redraft and go in a different direction that is entirely your choice.
Best of luck-

[Quill]

Why doesn't he just smash the box open?

[atdeluca]

Its small and ornate. Plus he has OCD, smashing open a box? *shudder*

[Quill]

Maybe that needs to be put in. Otherwise, cross country looking for a key might seem like a plot contrivance...

[atdeluca]

How's this?



--
Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life.

When an unexpected package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking. With an adoptive family and suitable life, Nicholas can remember nothing from his youth, his obsessive compulsive disorder being the only relic of that past life. Containing nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his birth parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to ignore the package or answer the unknown sender's request and pursue his forgotten family.

Driven by curiosity and his inability to smash open a perfectly good box, Nicholas decides to journey to his birthplace to shed light on the life he can't remember.

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local café who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his parents, with Nicholas struggling manage his compulsive rituals along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the shirts on their backs, each new encounter offers new information that brings them closer to uncovering Nicholas' mysterious past.

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a commercial novel of 60,000 words.

I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig (circulation: 40,000) and have contributed regularly to several high-traffic entertainment and corporate blogs. I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

[Quill]

The box-smashing phobia is good, and alludes to the compulsive behavior.

[Emily J]

How's this?



--
Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life. yay! i still like this opener

When an unexpected package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking. With an adoptive family and suitable life, Nicholas can remember nothing from his youth, his obsessive compulsive disorder being the only relic of that past life. this feels like a run on sentence Containing Nicholas is containing?? that doesn't sound like the right word, unless you meant the package is containing in which case it's a (say it with me) dangling participle!!! nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his birth parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to ignore the package or answer the unknown sender's request and pursue his forgotten family. you have two overly worded sentences back to back, generally not a good idea in a query (some agents have the attention span of ...ooo shiny!)

Driven by curiosity and his inability to smash open a perfectly good box, Nicholas decides to journey to his birthplace to shed light on the life he can't remember.

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local café who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his parents, with Nicholas struggling to manage his compulsive rituals along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the shirts on their backs, each new encounter offers new information that brings them closer to uncovering Nicholas' mysterious past.

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a commercial novel of 60,000 words.

I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig (circulation: 40,000) and have contributed regularly to several high-traffic entertainment and corporate blogs. I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

I think there is still some tweaking to be done.

[atdeluca]

How's this? I'm unsure about "His obsessive compulsive disorder is the only relic of that forgotten childhood, his memories beginning with his adoptive family." I might switch it around to be "His memories beginning with his adoptive family, his obsessive compulsive disorder is the only relic of his forgotten childhood."

Which do y'all think is better?

---
Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life.

His obsessive compulsive disorder is the only relic of that forgotten childhood, his memories beginning with his adoptive family. When an unexpected package shows up on his front step, however, Nicholas' missing youth comes knocking. Finding nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that instructs him to ask his birth parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to ignore the package or answer the unknown sender's request.

Driven by curiosity and his inability to smash open a perfectly good box, Nicholas decides to journey to his birthplace to shed light on the life he can't remember.

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local café who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his parents, with Nicholas struggling to manage his compulsive rituals along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the shirts on their backs, each new encounter offers new information that brings them closer to uncovering Nicholas' mysterious past.

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a commercial novel of 60,000 words.

I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig (circulation: 40,000) and have contributed regularly to several high-traffic entertainment and corporate blogs. I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

[atdeluca]

UPDATE: The most recent version got a request for a partial saying "send me three chapters and a full synopsis along with a copy of your original (and quite nicely written) query."

[Emily J]

UPDATE: The most recent version got a request for a partial saying "send me three chapters and a full synopsis along with a copy of your original (and quite nicely written) query."

Congrats! You have put a lot of hard work into your query and it has most definitely paid off. I think it must have been the combination of unique voice, interesting characters, and solid writing credentials.

[atdeluca]

Thanks Emily it means a lot!