Forgotten Gods Query

[sbs_mjc1]

Thanks to all your intelligent comments, S.B. and I have:
*A new title
*A new pitch
*A new query feedback thread

All critique is much appreciated.
***

Dear [agent name],

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but in exchange, the sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world.
Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but chaos descends as the sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions. The only other people who might help Robert control the sìdhe are psychic Marian Cameron, a patriotic but inexperienced teenager, and streewise propaganda writer Ina Bruce, who is determined to reverse the public’s distrust of the sìdhe. Opposing their efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat intent to prove his loyalty to the British government by leading an investigation into the mysterious new rebel forces.
If they want a future for themselves, their families, and their country, Robert, Ina and Marian must unite a new nation already on the brink of civil war, and foil sìdhe attempts to sow dissent among the humans and take over from within.
Forgotten Gods, a historical fantasy novel, is complete at 110, 000 words.

[Quill]

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence.

Great beginning.

Their plea is answered, but in exchange, the sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world.

Do Robert and his fellow soldiers have the power or authority to grant this? Obviously a spell is being reversed?

Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but chaos descends as the sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions.

These aren't the sweet kind of faeries, I take it.

Not clear upon whom the chaos descends. The Scots? The Brits? Both?

Actually, there seems a world of plot only alluded to in this sentence, and though I know it's only a query, I would've liked more clarity about what is happening. Do the faeries essentially break their word (bringing more woe than advantage)? How do faeries prey, are they like vampires with wings? What's the big deal about opening portals, what is the consequence of this?

The only other people who might help Robert control the sìdhe are psychic Marian Cameron, a patriotic but inexperienced teenager, and streewise propaganda writer Ina Bruce, who is determined to reverse the public’s distrust of the sìdhe.

1. For this to be believable I'd like a clue as to why a patriotic but inexperienced teen would be one of only three people who might help.

2. "streetwise propaganda writer" as a modern term destroys the historical feel of this query.

3. It is unclear how a writer who wishes to reverse the public's distrust (of an apparently untrustworthy group of faeries) is one of the only people who can help Robert control said faeries.

Opposing their efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat intent to prove his loyalty to the British government by leading an investigation into the mysterious new rebel forces.

Again, the modern-sounding term "sheltered bureaucrat" is shocking me out of the 18th century, and seems to be muddying the waters of this query. We started with war between Brits and Scots and now we seem to be off the battlefield trying to moderate between faerie and "human".

Also, it would be "intent on proving" or "intending to prove", not "intent to prove"

If they want a future for themselves, their families, and their country, Robert, Ina and Marian

What happened to the patriotic, nameless teen on the team?

must unite a new nation already on the brink of civil war, and foil sìdhe attempts to sow dissent among the humans and take over from within.

You've lost me. What new nation? What civil war? What happened to the war between England and Scotland?

All in all, it sound like an interesting story, but a truncated query needing a bit more fleshing out to show how things go from A to B to C.

[thewhipslip]

Dear [agent name],

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence Great start.. Their plea is answered, but in exchange, the sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world. I don't like "unlimited access", because I can't quite picture what that would mean. Go simpler: Demand entrance back into the human world. (A little less clunky than that, but it gives you the idea.

Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but chaos descends as the sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions. The only other people who might help Robert control the sìdhe are psychic Marian Cameron Why does Robert have to take care of the faeries? Is he a general or another higher-up in the army?, a patriotic but inexperienced teenager, and streewise propaganda writer Ina Bruce, who is determined to reverse the public’s distrust of the sìdhe Why is he determined if they're out to destroy humanity?. Opposing their efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat intent to prove his loyalty to the British government by leading an investigation into the mysterious new rebel forces.Are you referencing the faeries here, or the Scottish?

If they want a future for themselves, their families, and their country, Robert, Ina and Marian must unite a new nation already on the brink of civil war, and foil sìdhe attempts to sow dissent among the humans and take over from within.
Forgotten Gods, a historical fantasy novel, is complete at 110, 000 words.

Overall, I love the plot. I think this could be tighter. Make the faeries sound more menacing, and up the ante on Alfred Grayson. What does he do to stop the Scottish/faeries? Make me hate him. I'm also not sure if I'm supposed to like or dislike the faeries. Are they goodies or baddies here? And I want more of a pull to the characters. Give Robert more of an emotional presence. I turned to character on my query and it really helped make it intriguing. Make me want to read about Robert and his struggles, then you're good to go.


"life can be ordinary. blogs don't have to be."

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[Down the well]

Love this title. Much better. :)

[Krista G.]

Dear [agent name],

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but in exchange, the sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world. Love this.
Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but chaos descends as the sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions. The only other people who might help Robert control the sìdhe are psychic Marian Cameron, a patriotic but inexperienced teenager, and streewise (You're missing a "t" here) propaganda writer Ina Bruce, who is determined to reverse the public’s distrust of the sìdhe. Opposing their efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat intent to prove his loyalty to the British government by leading an investigation into the mysterious new rebel forces. This paragraph suffers from a little character soup, I think. I had to read through it twice to feel like I had a good handle on the individual characters and how they relate to one another. If you eliminate the names and descriptions of Robert's assistants, you'll have a little more room to focus on Grayson and his motives and how specifically he's opposing Robert.
If they want a future for themselves, their families, and their country, Robert, Ina and Marian must unite a new nation already on the brink of civil war, and foil sìdhe attempts to sow dissent among the humans and take over from within. Great sum-up of the stakes.
Forgotten Gods, a historical fantasy novel, is complete at 110, 000 words.

I want to read this. Scurry off now and publish it. That is all.

[sbs_mjc1]

Thanks for all the feedback!
Here's the latest query version (these things are never perfect, are they!?)
***
Dear [Agent Name]

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but in exchange, the sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world.
Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but chaos descends across Britain as some of the blood-drinking sìdhe prey on humans and riddle the countryside with portals that can whisk passers-by into parallel dimensions. Robert is unsure which is a greater threat to his family: the hostile British army, or the group of faeries who seem determined to take over his homeland.
With no way to return the sìdhe to their own world, Robert realizes the humans will have to learn to live alongside them. He and the Scottish leadership turn to Marian Cameron, a patriotic but flighty teenager with rare psychic abilities, and talented pamphlet-writer Ina Bruce, who is determined help people to live in peace with the sìdhe. Opposing their efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is Alfred Grayson, a government official whose job is to “civilize” Scotland by removing discontented farmers with wealthy English landowners—and to investigate the mysterious new rebel forces.
If they want a future for themselves, their families, and their country, Robert, Ina and Marian must unite a new nation, and foil sìdhe attempts to sow dissent among the humans and take over from within.
Forgotten Gods, a historical fantasy novel, is complete at 100, 000 words.
Thank you for your consideration.

Mike and S.B.

[Quill]

Oh. The patriotic teen is the psychic.

This query reads much better. Clearer, and consistent in language. Nice work.

How about putting a space between paragraphs for easier reading. It has become the norm for email submissions and online viewing.

[BRSloan]

Most of the critiques I'd give have already been given and worked on. It's already much better. But I'll second that you need some white space in this. As it is, it is a blob of text and very uninviting.

[Down the well]

I'm liking this very much. This is exactly the kind of story I like to read. I do have one question, though. You don't have to answer it on here, but I"m curious how this:

the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence.

gets reconciled with this:

With no way to return the sìdhe to their own world, Robert realizes the humans will have to learn to live alongside them.

I realize you probably explain it in the novel, but from the outside looking in it caught my attention. If the humans were able to exile the faeries once, why don't they have the power to do it again?

[thewhipslip]

I like this a lot. Nice job! I would definitely read pages, if I were an agent, or just an innocent reader patrolling B&N.


"life can be ordinary. blogs don't have to be."
check it out: http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com