Timeless (YA Paranormal Romance)

[EvelynEhrlich]

Hi all,
I've been gone from the Forums for a while, since I threw out my old manuscript and started the story again, from scratch. But now I'm back and hopefully close to querying. Any comments are much appreciated, thanks!
------

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year old Helene Jacobsen has never questioned why or how her parents adopted her. She's led a typical high school life in sunny Southern California: soccer games, dances and a part-time job at a café downtown. Typical, that is, until she meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling prince from the nineteenth century who seems to know more about her past than she does.

Nineteen-year old Leo is certain that Helene is the missing princess from his childhood, the girl he's been in love with all this time. What he doesn't know is how she ended up on the other side of the time portal, one hundred and fifty years in the future. Or how to win her back.

As Helene and Leo untangle their histories, their age-old connection deepens. But love across centuries is complicated, especially when a time portal is the only thing that links the pair. When an ancient secret society steals control of the portal and raging brush fires threaten to destroy it forever, Helene and Leo will need to fight to stay together and save everything they believe in.

No one said "happily ever after" would be easy.

TIMELESS is a 50,000-word YA paranormal romance, set mostly in contemporary times, although some scenes take place in 1860s St. Petersburg, Russia. The story is told from Helene and Leo's alternating points of view. TIMELESS is a stand-alone novel, but it has the potential to develop into a series.

I have a degree in Russian literature and history, and TIMELESS is my first book.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit]. I have included [ten] sample pages below, and I would be happy to submit additional materials to you. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[sbs_mjc1]

Seventeen-year old Helene Jacobsen has never questioned why or how her parents adopted her. She's led a typical high school life in sunny Southern California: soccer games, dances and a part-time job at a café downtown. Typical, that is, until she meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling prince from the nineteenth century who seems to know more about her past than she does.

Good opening, good hook.

Nineteen-year old Leo is certain that Helene is the missing princess from his childhood, the girl he's been in love with all this time. What he doesn't know is how she ended up on the other side of the time portal, one hundred and fifty years in the future. Or how to win her back.

As Helene and Leo untangle their histories, their age-old connection deepens. But love across centuries is complicated, especially when a time portal is the only thing that links the pair. When an ancient secret society steals control of the portal and raging brush fires threaten to destroy it forever, Helene and Leo will need to fight to stay together and save everything they believe in.

Good-- you establish the main conflict. It's not my genre, but you have a tight description of plot development.

No one said "happily ever after" would be easy.
Superfluous sentence.

[GeeGee55]

Hi, Evelyn:

This reads quite smoothly. Just a couple of things jumped out at me as I was reading that might make it smoother.
------

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year old Helene Jacobsen has never questioned why or how her parents adopted her. She's led - I'd change this to she leads in order to keep your tenses the same a typical high school life in sunny Southern California: soccer games, dances and a part-time job at a café downtown. Typical, that is, until she meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling prince from the nineteenth century who seems to know more about her past than she does.

Nineteen-year old Leo is certain that Helene is the missing princess from his childhood, the girl he's been in love with all this time - all this time is a bit cliche, perhaps the girl he's been in love with for a century and a half, or however long it is. What he doesn't know is how she ended up on the other side of the time portal, one hundred and fifty years in the future - and then of course you would not need this second mention of the time. Or how to win her back.

As Helene and Leo untangle their histories, their age-old connection deepens. - good But love across centuries is complicated, especially when a time portal is the only thing that links the pair. When an ancient secret society steals control of the portal and raging brush fires threaten to destroy it forever, Helene and Leo will need to fight to stay together and save everything they believe in.- this last phrase seems a bit off to me, everything they believe in doesn't seem to fit what you've set up, they fight to save the only thing that can keep them together, but say it better

No one said "happily ever after" would be easy. - not necessary, doesn't add to what's above

What follows in the next three paragraphs is kind of rough, disjointed ideas, got to fix the flow somehow Just play with it some - let's see what I can come up with: I think it needs to be one paragraph to look good on the page

I have a degree in Russian literature and history. TIMELESS is a 50,000 word YA paranormal romance set mostly in contemporary times, although some scenes take place in 1860s St. Petersburg, Russia. The novel can stand alone, but has the potential to develop into a series. I chose to submit to you because....
Thank you for your time and consideration.

TIMELESS is a 50,000-word YA paranormal romance, set mostly in contemporary times, although some scenes take place in 1860s St. Petersburg, Russia. The story is told from Helene and Leo's alternating points of view. TIMELESS is a stand-alone novel, but it has the potential to develop into a series.

I have a degree in Russian literature and history, and TIMELESS is my first book.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit]. I have included [ten] sample pages below, and I would be happy to submit additional materials to you. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.[/quote]

Sounds like a lovely story. Good luck with it.

[Quill]

Agree with previous posters' points and echo their bravos for a cute story and a query well written.

My suggestions have to do with your personal info:

I have a degree in Russian literature and history, and TIMELESS is my first book.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit]. I have included [ten] sample pages below, and I would be happy to submit additional materials to you. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Omit "and TIMELESS is my first book." Not necessary to say, and less than stellar to repeat the book title.

Omit "and I would be happy to submit additional materials to you", as it is implied by your querying.

Omit "soon" from " I look forward to hearing from you soon", because it drifts it toward desperate and even pushy. Consider omitting the whole sentence and ending with "consideration."

[Meredith]

Hi all,
I've been gone from the Forums for a while, since I threw out my old manuscript and started the story again, from scratch. But now I'm back and hopefully close to querying. Any comments are much appreciated, thanks!
------

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year old Helene Jacobsen has never questioned why or how her parents adopted her. Is why or how she was adopted important to the story? If not, maybe just say that she knows she's adopted or something similar.She's led She leadsa typical high school life in sunny Southern California: soccer games, dances and a part-time job at a café downtown. Typical, that is, until she meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling prince from the nineteenth century who seems to know more about her past than she does.

Nineteen-year old Leo is certain that Helene is the missing princess from his childhood, the girl he's been in love with all this time. What he doesn't know is how she ended up on the other side of the time portal, one hundred and fifty years in the future. Or how to win her back.

As Helene and Leo untangle their histories, their age-oldage-old feels cliche connection deepens. But love across centuries is complicated, especially when a time portal is the only thing that links the pair. When an ancient secret society steals control of the portal and raging brush fires threaten to destroy it forever, Helene and Leo will need to fight to stay together and save everything they believe in.

No one said "happily ever after" would be easy.

TIMELESS is a 50,000-word YA paranormal romance, set mostly in contemporary times, although some scenes take place in 1860s St. Petersburg, Russia. The story is told from Helene and Leo's alternating points of view. TIMELESS is a stand-alone novel, but it has the potential to develop into a series. I'd leave out the last two sentences.

I have a degree in Russian literature and history, and TIMELESS is my first book.Definitely don't highlight the fact that it's your first novel.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit]. I have included [ten] sample pages below, and I would be happy to submit additional materials to you. They know you'd be thrilled to submit more. You don't need to say it.Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.I agree. Leave out the soon.

[EvelynEhrlich]

Thanks for all the helpful thoughts, everyone! I'm revising the query, but keep the comments coming!

[FK7]

Double post FTL

[FK7]

Dear [Agent]:

Seventeen-year old Helene Jacobsen has never questioned why or how her parents adopted her. She's led a typical high school life in sunny Southern California: soccer games, dances and a part-time job at a café downtown. Typical, that is, until she meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling prince from the nineteenth century who seems to know more about her past than she does. Good first paragraph. Good flow, MC is presented and the catalyst is already presented.

Nineteen-year old Leo is certain that Helene is the missing princess from his childhood, the girl he's been in love with all this time. What he doesn't know is how she ended up on the other side of the time portal, one hundred and fifty years in the future. Or how to win her back. I don't read much YA and no romance at all, so I'm not sure if the idea of a time traveling love story will be interesting enough for agents to ask for more considering the similarity with The Time Traveler's Wife (and its popularity). Though you gave us the setting there appears to be no conflict (in TTTW, the fact the guy disappears unexpectedly all the time without control is the main source of conflict... what is it in yours?)

As Helene and Leo untangle their histories, their age-old connection deepens. But love across centuries is complicated, especially when a time portal is the only thing that links the pair. When an ancient secret society steals control of the portal and raging brush fires threaten to destroy it forever, Helene and Leo will need to fight to stay together and save everything they believe in. Ok so now we have conflict. You could easily bring "Nineteen-year old Leo is certain that Helene is the missing princess from his childhood, the girl he's been in love with all this time" to this paragraph and ditch the rest of the second paragraph, which is overly generic and brings nothing of interest to the rest of the query.

No one said "happily ever after" would be easy. It's not the most original of tag line and I don't think happily ever after requires quotation marks either. I would reconsider or remove it altogether.

TIMELESS is a 50,000-word YA paranormal romance, set mostly in contemporary times, although some scenes take place in 1860s St. Petersburg, Russia. The story is told from Helene and Leo's alternating points of view. TIMELESS is a stand-alone novel, but it has the potential to develop into a series. Since you should include the first five pages of your novel all the time (even if guidelines don't ask for it. Only rare exception is if they explicitly mention they don't want any) I don't think mentioning POV is necessary in a query. They'll see it in the pages. It just adds unnecessary length. Mentioning the series is also not required at this time. You can do it if they request a partial or a full in your cover letter.

I have a degree in Russian literature and history, and TIMELESS is my first book.Degree in Russian literature and history is pertinent so keep it. You don't really need the comma before the and in this case, nor do you absolutely need to mention this is your first book either. Not a biggie though.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit]. I have included [ten] sample pages below, and I would be happy to submit additional materials to you. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Hope this helps!

[EvelynEhrlich]

Thanks, FK7! Very helpful, indeed.