Query-- "The Savage and the Tender"

[sbs_mjc1]

Hi all, first draft of the query letter for our WIP. In the interests of not wasting time/space, the agent-specific stuff and the wordcount info have been cut.

Thanks in advance for all feedback!
***
Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The approaching British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but exchange for their help, the daione sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world.
Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but chaos descends as the daione sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions. The only person in the army who comes close to understanding the daione sìdhe is psychic Marian Cameron, a well-intentioned but shallow teenager who would rather be chasing boys than using her powers. Far from the front, propaganda writer Ina Bruce must help Edinburgh to adapt to its new residents before the city spirals into chaos. Opposing her efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is a charismatic merchant who fears Scottish independence will ruin his business. Meanwhile, Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat with a talent for saying the wrong thing, is sent north to investigate. His expedition fails, and his own government turns on him, leaving his survival in the hands of the Scottish rebels he fears. Together, this unlikely group struggles to bring order to a world suddenly chaotic beyond their wildest imagination.

[Quill]

That's pretty good.

I do like to see the genre and word count when critiquing as it give me that much more info with which to imagine the manuscript and give weighting and context to your plot points and treatment.

Not meaning to sound obtuse or quick. I'm on a short lunch break just now. :)

[Meredith]

Well, the genre is alternate history fantasy, but I agree it doesn't hurt to have that one or two lines here.

My main comments:

There are a couple of typos/missed words. They query has to be as perfect as you can make it.

And everything in one big block is probably not good. If you could break it up into two or three paragraphs. It would look better.

Maybe I'll have time for more later.

Hope this helps.

[sbs_mjc1]

Trying this again.
***
Dear [Agent],

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The approaching British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but exchange for help, the daione sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world.
Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but havoc quickly descends as the daione sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions. The only person in the army who comes close to understanding the daione sìdhe is psychic Marian Cameron, a intelligent but shallow teenager who would rather be chasing boys than using her powers.
Far from the front, propaganda writer Ina Bruce must help Edinburgh to adapt to its new residents before the city spirals into chaos. Opposing her efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is a charismatic merchant who fears Scottish independence will ruin his business.
Meanwhile, Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat with a talent for saying the wrong thing, is sent north to investigate. His expedition fails, and his own government turns on him, leaving his survival in the hands of the Scottish rebels he fears. Together, this unlikely group struggles to bring order to a world suddenly chaotic beyond their wildest imagination.
Because of [personalized stuff], we are submitting this 110,000 word historical fantasy novel for your review. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

S.B. and Mike

[Sleeping Beauty]

I really like the story here, I'd read something like this. It seems very complex.

One thing that struck me: who is your main character? Is it the teen psychic, the merchant, the propaganda writer, the Londoner? Is it even one of the faerie-creatures? It's fine to have multiple POVs, of course, but since you've brought up your psychic first, I'd like to know what's at stake for her, precisely.

[lachrymal]

Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The approaching British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but [in] exchange for help, the daione sìdhe demand unlimited access to the human world.
Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but havoc quickly descends as the daione sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions. The only person in the army who comes close to understanding the daione sìdhe is psychic Marian Cameron, a intelligent but shallow teenager who would rather be chasing boys than using her powers.

OK--up until this point in the query, I was thinking this was marvelous and weird and totally fascinating. Great premise, love the combination of historic and fantasy. It seems like something a lot of agents would really want to take a look at. I was wondering if there was a connection between Marian and Robert and how they were going to deal with those faeries.

Far from the front, propaganda writer Ina Bruce must help Edinburgh to adapt to its new residents before the city spirals into chaos. Opposing her efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is a charismatic merchant who fears Scottish independence will ruin his business.
Meanwhile, Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat with a talent for saying the wrong thing, is sent north to investigate. His expedition fails, and his own government turns on him, leaving his survival in the hands of the Scottish rebels he fears. Together, this unlikely group struggles to bring order to a world suddenly chaotic beyond their wildest imagination.

And then, you kind of lost me. You introduce two--no, wait...three!--new characters, with no apparent connection to each other, and I'm realizing we're not going to get back to Marian or the other guy. I'm realizing you're just talking about the role of each character in the book. I have no idea how they connect to each other, not in even the remotest sense. You tell me they're connected, but you don't show that connection in any way. I think this could be a problem for you--I don't really have a sense of the story from this query.

I suggest you cut a few characters from this query and give more of a sense of what they have to do "to bring order". Also--"beyond their wildest imagination" is a cliche I think you could cut.

Because of [personalized stuff], we are submitting this 110,000 word historical fantasy novel for your review. We look forward to hearing from you.

So, you're writing with a co-author? I'm assuming so since you've used "we". Anyway--good luck! This is a cool premise and I think you're going to get some interest if you tighten this up and make the central conflict clearer.

[Meredith]

Hi all, first draft of the query letter for our WIP. In the interests of not wasting time/space, the agent-specific stuff and the wordcount info have been cut.

Thanks in advance for all feedback!
***
Winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The approaching British army has orders to leave no survivors. I think this is a fairly eloquent way to set the scene. Seems to me the Scottish spelling of sidhe is slightly different, too. Not sure about that one. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but in exchange for their help, the daione sìdhe The Gaelic is kind of a tongue-twister, especially when spelled out and not pronounced anything like how it looks. I think I'd use simply sidhe after the first reference. demand unlimited access to the human world.
Their assistance gives the Scots a temporary advantage, but chaos descends as the daione sìdhe prey on humans and open portals to parallel dimensions. I might rephrase this in terms of the unexpected cost. The sidhe haven't been in this world for a while. The Scots are unprepared for the chaos they create. The only person in the army who comes close to understanding the daione sìdhe is psychic Marian Cameron, a well-intentioned but shallow teenager who would rather be chasing boys While I understand that human nature hasn't changed in the last few centuries, the rules of the mating game have, considerably. This sounds way too modern. than using her powers. Far from the front, propaganda writer Again, something that sounds very modern for 1745. Not that they didn't use propaganda, but did they call it that? And have people whose job it was? It may work perfectly in your story, but since it sounds a little odd, it might be better to leave this description out of the query. Start a new paragraph with the next sentence.Ina Bruce must help Edinburgh to adapt to its new residents before the city spirals into chaos. Opposing her efforts to create harmony between faerie and humans is a charismatic merchant who fears Scottish independence will ruin his business. Meanwhile, Alfred Grayson, a sheltered London bureaucrat with a talent for saying the wrong thing, is sent north to investigate. His expedition fails, and his own government turns on him, leaving his survival in the hands of the Scottish rebels he fears. Together, this unlikely group struggles to bring order to a world suddenly chaotic beyond their wildest imagination.

I agree that you've included too many characters for a query. Save that for the synopsis. Pick one or at most two most important characters and give us the stakes from their point of view. Maxwell, for making the deal in the first place seems a natural. Then just say something like "with the help of an ill-assorted group of unlikely allies". Not exactly that, but you get the idea. Right now, you spend almost the whole query on the characters and very little on the conflict. One or two quick specifics about the chaos the sidhe create would be good, too, rather than just the general statements "prey on humans' and "open portals".

[Quill]

Previous posters made good points.

In addition:

The only person in the army who comes close to understanding the daione sìdhe is psychic Marian Cameron, a well-intentioned but shallow teenager who would rather be chasing boys

1. What is a "well-intentioned but shallow teenager who would rather be chasing boys" doing in the army??

2. Why should we believe Marian is the only one who "comes close to understanding the daione sìdhe"? Simply because she is psychic? Many people are psychic.

[Meredith]

Forgot to mention: If all I saw in the bookstore was the spine of your book, with that title, I'd be absolutely convinced it belonged in the Romance section.

[Down the well]

I agree with others -- I love the premise. Great opportunity for some fun storytelling.

However, this does read more like a synopsis to me. You have to state who your main character is and what the driving conflict of the novel is in the first paragraph, if not the first two sentences. Don't mess around with too much plot description. Just the trigger points that set the motion of the novel in action.

Just a suggestion:

When eighteenth century Scottish soldier, Robert Maxwell, begs for supernatural aid in the fight against the British from the daione sidhe--faeries exiled by humans to a parallel plane of existence--his plea is answered, but it comes at a price. In exchange, the daione sidhe want unlimited access to the human world...etc.

Granted, I haven't written a query in a while so take it with a grain of salt as they say. Best of luck. I really do like the idea here.


*edited cuz I can't spell.