SYNOPSIS - UNTITLED

[sarahdee]

I have already sent this to a few agents but having had no replies from most and two rejections I would love some feedback before I send out again. UK agents ask for a synopsis and usually first 3 chapters so the below text is always accompanied by around 20 pages. Most agents I have contacted seem to want a brief and stipulate 1-2 pages.

I have deliberately not included the title as I am not sure I like it. There are many music references in the novel and its current working title is a line from a Smith's song. If anyone has any great ideas after reading this I'd be glad to hear them.

So here goes....


This is a narrated story told by Janie Lloyd. Janie is a disturbed girl who fails to understand cause and effect on others and thinks only of herself. Eventually her behaviour leads to the death of two people. I chose to use Janie as narrator as I wanted to write my ‘thriller’ not from the usual detective or police point of view but so the reader will look through the eyes of the killer.

Janie, Evie and Candice were three very different girls who met aged 10 and grew up together. Aged 17, Evie and Janie fall for the same man and using Candice as a messenger tear each other apart. Eventually tormented and frustrated they have it out with the man, Mark, in question and a sad accident leads to his death. Candice believes she killed him by accidentally pushing him down the stairs. Evie does not know he has died and believes he has left her. Janie and Candice cover up his death and let people believe he left town. Evie, who has various issues and troubles apart from this, commits suicide.

Seventeen years later a new building development unearths his body and both Janie and Candice must deal with their ghosts. They are soon sought out by the police for questioning and, as more and more information comes to light it becomes apparent that his death wasn’t really accidental and Janie has been hiding more than anyone thought. As Candice is finally charged with manslaughter, the reader will discover its Janie not Candice who killed him and it was no accident.

The target for this book is primarily adult women as despite being a thriller at heart, its main plotline explores relationships, friendships and love. There are various subplots including teenage suicide, depression (and its effects on others), jealousy, and growing up in a northern English town in the 1980s and 1990s (so relevant music and news references).

[Emily J]

I have already sent this to a few agents but having had no replies from most and two rejections I would love some feedback before I send out again. UK agents ask for a synopsis and usually first 3 chapters so the below text is always accompanied by around 20 pages. Most agents I have contacted seem to want a brief and stipulate 1-2 pages.

I have deliberately not included the title as I am not sure I like it. There are many music references in the novel and its current working title is a line from a Smith's song. If anyone has any great ideas after reading this I'd be glad to hear them.

So here goes....


This is a narrated story told by Janie Lloyd. Janie is a disturbed girl who fails to understand cause and effect on others and thinks only of herself. Eventually her behaviour leads to the death of two people. I chose to use Janie as narrator as I wanted to write my ‘thriller’ not from the usual detective or police point of view but so the reader will look through the eyes of the killer. So I would cut this paragraph completely. From what I have read about a synopsis, it is suppose to be an outline of the novel written more like a short story than a dry description

Janie, Evie and Candice were three very different girls who met aged 10 and grew up together. i would rephrase and avoid using numerals when it isn't really necessary Aged 17, why not just write "At age seventeen, both Evie and Janie fall..." Evie and Janie fall for the same man and using Candice as a messenger tear each other apart. Eventually tormented and frustrated they have it out with the man, Mark, in question comma here and this is an awkward sentence structure and a sad accident leads to his death. i think we could use a few more specifics here Candice believes she killed him by accidentally pushing him down the stairs. Evie does not know he has died and believes he has left her. we have shifted to present tense here... I could understand using present tense in the next paragraph (which I presume takes place in present day) but you need to be consistent here Janie and Candice cover up his death and let people believe he left town. Evie, who has various issues and troubles apart from this, commits suicide. what various issues?

Seventeen years later comma a new building development unearths his body and both Janie and Candice must deal with their ghosts. They are soon sought out by the police for questioning and, as more and more information comes to light it becomes apparent that his death wasn’t really accidental and Janie has been hiding more than anyone thought. run on sentence As Candice is finally charged with manslaughter, the reader will discover its it's Janie not Candice who killed him and it was no accident. run on sentence

The target for this book is primarily adult women as despite being a thriller at heart, its main plotline explores relationships, friendships and love. There are various subplots including teenage suicide, depression (and its effects on others), jealousy, and growing up in a northern English town in the 1980s and 1990s (so relevant music and news references). I would cut this concluding paragraph as well

This doesn't really read like a synopsis to me, I think you need to stay in the story not write about writing the story, and you need to give us a bit more of the plot. Also, quick formatting note (this is a pet peeve of mine) it should be one space after a period not two unless you are using a typewriter.

[J. T. SHEA]

Sounds interesting, Sarahdee, but a bit awkward at times:-

This is a narrated (IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND OF STORY?) story told by Janie Lloyd. Janie is a disturbed girl who fails to understand cause and effect on (IN?) others and thinks only of herself. Eventually her behaviour leads to the death of two people. I chose to use Janie as narrator as I wanted to write my 'thriller' not from the usual detective or police point of view but so the reader will look through the eyes of the killer.

Janie, Evie and Candice were (TENSE?) three very different girls who met aged 10 (TEN) and grew up together. Aged 17, Evie and Janie fall for the same man and, (COMMA) using Candice as a messenger, (COMMA) tear each other apart. Eventually, (COMMA) tormented and frustrated, (COMMA) they have it out with the man, Mark, in question and a sad accident leads to his death. Candice believes she killed him by accidentally pushing him down the stairs. Evie does not know he has died and believes he has left her. Janie and Candice cover up his death and let people believe he left town. Evie, who has various issues and troubles apart from this, commits suicide.

Seventeen years later a new building development unearths his body and both Janie and Candice must deal with their ghosts. They are soon sought out by the police for questioning and, as more and more information comes to light, (COMMA) it becomes apparent that his death wasn't really accidental and Janie has been hiding more than anyone thought. As Candice is finally charged with manslaughter, the reader will discover its (IT'S) Janie, COMMA not Candice who killed him and it was no accident.

The target for this book is primarily adult women, (COMMA) as despite being a thriller at heart, its main plotline explores relationships, friendships and love. There are various subplots including teenage suicide, depression (and its effects on others), jealousy, and growing up in a northern English town in the 1980s and 1990s (so relevant music and news references).

It's probably better to keep the whole synopsis in the present tense. What does '...using Candice as a messenger...' mean? Even though we can guess 'he' always refers to Mark, you might mention his name more than once.

[sarahdee]

Thanks for the comments, I shall make some revisions.

By 'narrated' I mean Janie is telling the story in first person, as a narrator - I shall think of a better way to word that,

[dios4vida]

This is a narrated story told by Janie Lloyd. Janie is a disturbed girl who fails to understand cause and effect on others and thinks only of herself. Eventually her behaviour leads to the death of two people. I chose to use Janie as narrator as I wanted to write my ‘thriller’ not from the usual detective or police point of view but so the reader will look through the eyes of the killer.I agree that this paragraph should be cut. You want to tell your story like one of those bathroom books - take a great story and cut it down to a 1-2 minute read. Don't tell us about writing the book, let us get a glimpse of it.

Janie, Evie and Candice were three very different girls who met aged 10 Shouldn't this be "who met at age 10?"and grew up together. Aged 17, I'd say "Now at 17," Evie and Janie fall for the same man and using Candice as a messenger tear each other apart. This is vague - how do they use Candice? How does it tear them apart? Eventually tormented and frustrated they have it out I think this phrase has too much slang - makes it sound sloppy. with the man, Mark, in question "man in question, Mark" flows better. and a sad accident leads to his death. Candice believes she killed him by accidentally pushing him down the stairs. Evie does not know he has died and believes he has left her. Janie and Candice cover up his death and let people believe he left town. Evie, who has various issues and troubles apart from this, commits suicide. I think it would work better to say something like "Evie, already troubled by various issues"

Seventeen years later a new building development unearths his body and both Janie and Candice must deal with their ghosts. They are soon sought out by the police for questioning and, as more and more information comes to lightcomma it becomes apparent that his death wasn’t really accidental and Janie has been hiding more than anyone thought. As Candice is finally charged with manslaughter, the reader will discover its Janie not Candice who killed him and it was no accident. Don't mention the reader - we're drawn into the story and suddenly you remind us it's a book. Keep the author and reader invisible and let your characters shine!

The target for this book is primarily adult women as despite being a thriller at heart, its main plotline explores relationships, friendships and love. There are various subplots including teenage suicide, depression (and its effects on others), jealousy, and growing up in a northern English town in the 1980s and 1990s (so relevant music and news references). I'm really having problems with this paragraph - it belongs more in a query than a synopsis. You shouldn't have to say anything directly to the reader/agent in a synopsis. It's all about the story telling itself. Besides, I had no idea your story was set in England, or the 80s/90s.

I think you have a decent start to the synopsis, once you take out the parts directed at the reader. I do think you need to continue on, though. The synopsis should tell the whole story, so leaving the ending a mystery makes this break the synopsis form. Let us know what happens, and how Mark's death wasn't an accident. Leaving the mystery is fine in the query, but agents are going to look to the synopsis to see if your plot arc is complete and compelling.

Good luck!