The Incredible Race Query Letter

[Username]

Okay, revised again. This is, like, the 25'th revision... but who's counting, eh?

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THE INCREDIBLE RACE (60,000 words; comedic literary fiction; influenced by P.G. Wodehouse)

Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multimillionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpics, has passed away.

Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, in London, England, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst the seven of them. But much to the dismay of the Crumpets, they learn that Sir Hugo digitally recorded an alternate will, which was delivered to his barrister’s office just days before his death.

And so, from beyond the grave, Sir Hugo communicates the shocking news to his children, that only one of them will benefit financially from his death. The Crumpets learn they must race each other around the world in competition for their deceased father's fortune.

Join Father Charles Crumpet, Lucy Lou Crumpet, Comrade Joseph Crumpet, the evil Garth Crumpet, the twins, Bertha and Gertha Crumpet, and young Waldo Crumpet, on a race around the world.

When Waldo finds himself walking a tightrope over a river filled with ravenous crocodiles, and the evil Garth on the opposite bank attempting to cut the rope, it's up to Bertha and Gertha to save the day. Can Comrade Crumpet in his canoe, and without any oars, grab hold of the rope to avoid certain death from the looming waterfall? Will Father Crumpet, hanging upside down from a nearby branch, manage to free himself before the local cannibals return to collect him for the pot? Can Lucy Lou maintain her present lead, having recently been shot from a cannon? Betrayals and broken alliances abound - but in the midst of all this chaos there is also the possibility of reconciliation, as one by one the Crumpets attempt to repair old family wounds.

What matters is not the destination, but the journey. Cheer on your favorite family member as the Crumpets race to determine which member will become the sole recipient of Sir Hugo’s toothpick fortune.

[Username]

Also, I was wondering - a few of you have actually read my posted excerpt. Is the ending obvious? Do you already know what's going to happen? I was afraid that the ending would be so obvious that people would want to groan out loud upon reading it.

Actually, this story was my way of saying: it's the journey, not the destination.

A pretty simplistic notion, really. And yet, sometimes it's not so much what''s said, but rather the way it's said.

[J. T. SHEA]

Better again, Username. You've untangled the long sentence well. And no, I have no idea how it will end.

[Username]

You learn so much more when people tell you that you haven't got it right. I think that this latest version is the best yet. Anybody not like this?

[Bryan Russell/Ink]

I really like the new variations. It gives me what the earlier versions didn't: something about the different characters and how they interact, something about the events and complications, something about the tone and style of the adventure, and something about the meaning and how the story might end.

Nicely handled, particularly for a story that's sort of madcap and may have a more episodic than causally driven plot.

I definitely think it's more effective this way, and gives me a much clearer idea of what the novel is like.

Best,
Ink

[Jessica Peter]

Great! I like the new paragraph. See, I knew it would be better than a rabid lion and a monsoon. I really like the variation on sentence structure. And I hadn't guessed the ending, except maybe "the good one wins"? Though I can't even remember which one is "the good one"... and most novels you expect that anyway. Plus, in a book like this, wouldn't it be more about the journey and less about the destination?

(Or am I getting too deep?) ;)

[Username]

Oh jesus, now I'm worried again. LOL!

J.T., help me out here. Of what you've read of the story, would you say the story is episodic in nature or more plot driven? I thought the story arc was pretty tight. The story definitely follows an arc, whereas with episodic writing there's almost no arc at all. I thought the chapters fed off one another pretty well? Hmm? Maybe this query doesn't communicate that?

And sort of mad cap?

Sort of!

Ock!

[Username]

Great! I like the new paragraph. See, I knew it would be better than a rabid lion and a monsoon. I really like the variation on sentence structure. And I hadn't guessed the ending, except maybe "the good one wins"? Though I can't even remember which one is "the good one"... and most novels you expect that anyway. Plus, in a book like this, wouldn't it be more about the journey and less about the destination?

(Or am I getting too deep?) ;)

I would say that there probably is 'a good one' - but I'm alarmed that you don't know who that person is. LOL!

Okay, thanks, guys.

[J. T. SHEA]

I'm not sure what's worrying you, Username. Most novels are both episodic and plot-driven. I do not see episodes and plot as mutually exclusive. Bryan wasn't being critical. And there's nothing wrong with 'sort of madcap'.

The 14,000 words I read DO indeed follow a tight story arc. AND the chapters feed off each-other pretty well. AND the query does not suggest otherwise.

I remember Waldo as the most sympathetic character, coming from an orphanage as he does. But I do not assume he will win the race. Do you want people to guess who wins?

[Bryan Russell/Ink]

Username,

Sorry if the episodic comment was misleading. I was basing it more on your comments earlier than on the query. You kept saying how it was about nothing, just a bunch of crazy adventures, sort of plotless, so I assumed it was like that, a series of episodic obstacles. So, rather than a series of causally linked events which are important in and of themselves, they were almost haphazard and zany obstacles, where the point is the humour and the interaction of the characters along the way. But maybe I was misreading your comments in that regard.

Either way, I still like the new version better. :)

And "sort of" is one of my writerly tics I squash in revision. But I never edit my comments. :) Too much to do! It'll probably get me in trouble one day. I foresee mafia hitmen.

Ink

[Username]

Okay, thanks again, guys. Ridiculously helpful.

[Matthew MacNish]

Username, I've only quickly read both versions of the query and then scanned your further comments and some of the replies but I do have a couple of points to make:

1) First and foremost you have an awesome premise. Sometimes that's enough.
2) This is an assumption but if you're here looking for feedback I'd have to guess that you've already queried at least once and got rejected.
3) If that's true why are you being so defensive? Feedback on others' writing is incredibly subjective. If someone takes the time to give you advice you should consider it a blessing, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE WRONG. Most of the people in the forums are incredibly helpful and they give of there time quite freely. It's not necessary to kiss ass but if someone's crit doesn't fit you should thank them anyway and move on. As someone already pointed out: remember that you asked for our OPINIONS. That's all they are.
4) Know the people who are offering crits. If you don't, research them before you defend your writing or complain. Personally I have a crit group in which we all know each other ... digitally. We work together on our writing and (hopefully) have thick skins. I don't know everyone who tried to help you out but I do know Quill and Bryan (Ink) and trust me: you ought to consider yourself blessed for getting feedback from them.
5) All that being said I hear where you are coming from. Query letters are a bitch. We pour our hearts and souls into well crafted novels of great length and are expected to distill that magic into a business letter of a page or less? Bollocks!
6) Again Bryan does have good solid advice though. Your hook is good, damn good and unique. It's after that (that!) your query begins to break down. Personally I found too many characters (named), not enough conflict (though it is hinted at very well during the hook), no sense of what the stakes are (inheriting the fortune is obvious but I feel confident there are underlying themes to this story) and no idea of what choices must be made for the protagonist(s) to achieve their goals.

I won't break down your query line by line because you've already gotten great feedback about that but the one biggest thing I think you need to add is WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS? You can't tell everything but mentioning a race of this magnitude and not elaborating takes all the gas out of this particular query for me.

Just my two cents. Best of luck.

[Username]

Matthew, thanks for taking the time to post.

I appreciate all the help I've gotten in this thread - not only have people taken the time to write, but they've taken the time to write well. I appreciate it.

My story 'The Incredible Race' is a sort of cross between, "And To Think That I Saw It On Mullberry Street', 'It's A Mad Mad Mad World', and 'Right Ho, Jeeves!' I attempted to pitch the story as a children's story written for adults - but that didn't seem to work. The novel contains a tight story arc - it's definitely not a plot-less novel - but it's still damned difficult to explain.

I like your post because of its honesty. I don't think that you liked my query very much - and I'm fine with that, and I'd like to write another to address your concerns... but I guess I just don't know how to do that.

You wrote in capital letters: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS!

If you were to follow this link, and read the excerpt, then you might have an idea of the troubles I'm having explaining this.

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1467&start=20

Any help I can get would be appreciated.

EDIT: That said, I think that the query letter in its present form, which was created out of the many great suggestions I got from people in this thread, is much better than my original query letter!