Jade´s Hurricane Query

[lmjackson]

Ok, got it! What do you think?

Dear Mr. _________

In a world divided Amidst an ongoing conflict (just some other phrasing here needed, I agree with Emily J about the movie voiceover tone) between element-tamers and (there was an extra space here) humans, Jade Kadeem witnesses the latter brutal murder of her father. As a result Acting purely on instinct, she instinctively creates a monstrous hurricane that almost kills her. Not something every tamer can do, especially a child. (I don't know why, but this fragment kind of bugs me, maybe it's the wording.

Seven years later, the Oracle warns her that the hurricane will return, destroying Jade along with an entire nation. Determined to stop this dreadful prediction, she embarks on a harsh pilgrimage to learn a harsh training to control not onlyher powers along with her crave for revenge.

This is where the query seems to take a confusing turn. Both the introduction of Lian and Shadow Man seem very random.

During her journey, she meets Lian, a girl with same abilities and a similarly tragic past. Although Lian has perfect control over her powers, it’s harder when it comes to her emotions but has a difficult time restraining her emotions. (I assume, Lian is going to both help Jade with her journey and help Jade learn to control her powers? If so, this should definitely be said here. Otherwise Lian seems totally unnecessary.)

Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep (there was an extra space here) humans from the face of the earth. For him, life is a chess game and the girls are the perfect pawns. (this sentence doesn't really say anything about him or his mission. Maybe elaborate on how he's using the girls. Does he try to exploit Jade's desire for revenge on humans? If so, that's definitely important!)

As they flirt with what’s morally wrong, Jade and Lian face life threatening dangers. Ultimately, they must decide who they really are, and most importantly, who they want to be. (There might be a better way to sum this up. "Deciding who they are and who they want to be" can basically apply to 95% of fiction novels out there. Think of a way to close that is unique to YOUR story and YOUR characters)

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a finished 100.000 word YA Fantasy.

I am a published author by Megazine (The biggest Brazilian magazine aimed at the young adult market). How should I put the titles I´ve written? Like "I am a published author for Megazine, ("The Emerald Statue of the Church of Saintete" 2002 and "A walk through Fantasy for YA." 2003 ???)
I am part of the Word Cloud Writing Community and write on the blog http://www.pomadness.blogspot.com

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

I think it's really getting there. The biggest problem I'd say is having everything connect. The first two paragraphs have an obvious link, but then the story seems to disconnect. I know it's hard with only a summary, but really try to include things like character relationships and how a sub-plot connects to the main plot you introduced in the first paragrahs.

[clara_w]

Thank you so much for our great advices Emily and Imjackson!

Will definetly help me a lot! I sense a fourth version coming lol

[clara_w]

Ok, fourth version on...sugestions?

[OneChoice1]

Your story sounds interesting. I love the name Jade. ;)

I agree with some of lmjackson's comments, but here are my suggestions. Hope I can help.

Hi everyone!

When you finish commenting, could you let me know the title of your query so I can critique it too? It´s all about sharing the luff folks!

Now, this is the fourth improved version, so you dont need to look at the others, I´m leaving them below so I can track my queryvolution!

Cheers!
***

*Fourth, and most recent version*

Jade Kadeem is an element tamer who witnesses normal humans brutally murder her father. In shock, she creates a monstrous hurricane that almost kills her: Not something every tamer can do, especially a child.


Jade Kadeem's [father/parents] always told her the world was divided between element tamers and humans, but it never sunk in until she witnesses humans brutally murder her father. In shock, she creates a monstrous hurricane that almost kills her. This isn't something every tamer can do, especially a child.


Six years later, the Oracle warns her that the hurricane will return, destroying Jade along with an entire nation. Determined to stop this dark vision, she embarks on a harsh training to control her Godlike powers.


Six years later, an Oracle warns her that the hurricane will return, destroying Jade along with an entire nation. Determined to stop this dreadful prediction, she embarks on a harsh [pilgrimage/excursion/expedition] to control her Godlike powers.


During her journey, she meets Lian, a girl with same abilities and a similarly tragic past. Although it’s easy for her to control her powers, unlike Jade, Lian has a hard time doing so with her emotions.


During her journey, she meets Lian, a girl with similar abilities and a tragic past of her own. Lian has better control of her powers than she does with her emotions, unlike Jade who can't [restrain/harness] either. {Include how Lian helps Jade control her powers, and maybe how they both try to help each other keep their emotions in check. Something like that.}


Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep normal humans from the face of the earth. Life is a chess game for him, and the girls are the perfect pawns as he uses their past to bring them to his side.


Things take a turn for the worse when a mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep humans from the face of the earth. A confrontation with the girls presents him with the opportunity to persuade more pawns to his cause, because they're on the same side. They've all been treated injuriously by mankind.


Unaware that the Shadow Man is the true murder of their loved ones, Jade and Lian will flirt with what’s morally wrong and face life threatening dangers as they choose to fight or to give in to their own shadows.


Unaware that the Shadow Man is a liar and the true murderer of their loved ones, Jade and Lian will flirt with what’s morally wrong and face life threatening dangers {I would really like to see something else than "life threatening dangers," but I can't think of anything.} as they choose to take a stand.


“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a finished 100.000 word YA Fantasy.


JADE'S HURRICANE is a finished 100,000 word YA Fantasy.

At the end of your query, or somewhere, find a way to come back to the hurricane since it seems like a major conflict--the reason why Jade went on the journey in the first place. And it's the title :)

[clara_w]

Thanks for the great advice One choice 1!