The Incredible Race Query Letter

[lachrymal]

Was it not obvious that 'Crumpet Towers' and 'Crumpet Toothpicks' were meant to communicate that the story is... over the top... silly... completely tongue in cheek?

Why are people taking this so seriously?

I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but I feel compelled to comment. Why are people taking this so seriously? I know this isn't exactly what you were referring to, but I've got to say it--Username, people are "seriously" trying to help you. They are spending time critiquing your work because you ASKED them to. They're trying to help you get published because you say that's what you want. And it seems like you're spending most of your time defending yourself against that criticism--and criticizing people for their well-meant comments and their efforts to help you along.

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate, but like I said, I felt compelled. I won't comment again on this thread.

[Username]

I meant the story itself. Not the thread.

I was wondering why some people seem to be taking THE STORY so seriously - it's supposed to be a fun, enjoyable read. I can't really go into deep explanation of the plot - it's just a silly book.

Sir Hugo's age, for example, is irrelevant! The amount of money that The Crumpets each have is irrelevant! What they do on the race is irrelevant! You're not going to discover the meaning of life while reading this book. You might have some fun with it at the beach though (unless you were to over-think it, in which case I'm sure you would think I was barking mad).

Also, yes, I realize that I asked people to be critical of the query - and as you can see, I implemented almost every change that was suggested. But if I take the advice of every single person who posts then I'm going to end up being a basket case! Quill's suggestions were interesting, but they were for the original query letter, and I'm now working on the edited version, which contains most of the suggestions made so far.

And to be quite frank, I thought that Quill's response was pretty brutal. He left no stone unturned. I don't believe that the original query was nearly as bad as Quill made it out to be. Sorry, maybe I'm just in a fragile state of mind right now, but I don't think I'm THAT bad a writer.

If I am - if my novel is completely unworthy - then this is kind of a pointless exercise, isn't it?

[Quill]

Username,

I don't think you are a bad writer. Far from it.

And I'm sure we both know humor is very subjective. So maybe I just didn't get it. Maybe I'm not in your humor zone, and maybe plenty of other readers are.

Also, I didn't read your excerpts or any other queries except for the two you said you passed around the coffee shop, so I didn't know that your story is aimed at adults.

I do think you should make this clear to agents, and perhaps even before you get into your story description.

I also think, regardless of who you are aiming the story at, you might consider adding a bit about the actual race.

Good luck with your querying and I hope you land an agent for this. It sounds like a really original idea, and could be a lot of fun to read.

[Username]

Thanks.

[J. T. SHEA]

People are 'taking this so seriously' partly because you take it so seriously, Username. Comedy can be a serious business. Ask any comedian. You took it seriously enough to query 47 agents (though not well, by your admission) and then complain bitterly about the inevitable rejections.

Fragile state of mind? Not unheard of in writers! But nobody said you were 'that bad a writer' or that your 'novel is completely unworthy'. Like me, Quill wants to know what happens in the race, precisely the reaction you want and need from every reader.

What they do on the race is irrelevant? Then why did you write the novel, and why should anyone read it?

[Username]

Why did I write the novel, and why should anyone read it?

For fun maybe?

Why can't we read simply for the sheer pleasure of it? I would say that books like THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY are pretty meaningless. They're just fun books, written to entertain. And in my opinion, there aren't enough of them being written at present. Sometimes a book doesn't have to be about anything at all, as long as it's engaging.

Is THE INCREDIBLE RACE an engaging read? - I have no idea. Based on what I'm seeing at this forum, and my 47 rejections, it doesn't appear that it is.

I don't understand why some people here seem to think I'm being so antagonistic about this? I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this, that's all. People don't seem to like my writing much. I'm trying to figure out why. I actually liked this story... but, you know, if I'm the only one who likes it... then we've got a situation where I'm a member of the cuckoo class... it's the type of thing that can keep a person awake at night.

[Bryan Russell/Ink]

Username, I hope you don't mind me jumping in here, but it just seems like you're undercutting your story at almost every opportunity by saying it's meaningless and there's nothing important about it. Every story has a point, even if its main goals are simply to entertain and offer a few laughs to readers. But remember, it's the story that's going to entertain, and it's the story you seem to shy away from explaining. If you queried Hithchiker's Guide to the Galaxy you wouldn't say "There's this neat guy on earth who discovers there are aliens and gets pulled up into an adventure in space! The end." You would offer the fun and funny things that happen on this adventure, the things that make it unique. That's what will convince people to read.

Your story is called The Incredible Race... yet you seem unwilling to talk about the race. You offer the premise (which seems quite amusing), but not the story. If your book is about a race, as a reader I want to hear about the race. That's the story, and that's what the query should be highlighting. You say it's entertaining... and that's great. Show it! What is it about this race that's entertaining and funny and good for a few laughs?

I think it helps, sometimes, to think about the query as the novel in miniature. It's a little story, in and of itself. So think hook/premise, character, conflict, rising action, climax, denouement. The query can have a beginning, middle and ending, same as the story. I think agents often want to see a working story, something that has a functional narrative arc. Sometimes a premise alone will tempt someone in to read, but often they want to see the meat of the story. What happens?

You obviously have talent. I think everyone here who's read your stuff sees that. I think that's why they want to see your story set out nicely. They're attracted by your writing and humour, and want to know what the story is about. You've done half the job. It's tough to get eyes on your work. First you've got to draw the audience in to see what's going on. And then you have to close the deal. You have to get them to participate, to put their money down. I think you've got people curious, but they're not going to buy, so to speak, until they see a little more. Until they see the story.

Best of luck,
Ink

[Heather B]

Username, I completely sympathise with your fragile state of mind. I've been through it way too many times myself but if you're posting here surely you were looking for your query to be critiqued? Quill's extensive analysis wasn't meant to make you feel like a poor writer, it was more to help you think through every word you write - if you check out some of the other queries on this site you'll see that Quill has been just as thorough there too. I realise this is meant to be a fun book but fun or not your query has to be tight or there never will be a book at all.
I think, at this stage, you are still rather emotionally attached to your work. (I was in that exact same mindset until recently with my last MS). At this point (and feel free not to take my advice) I think it would be best you put this one aside and set to work with something else. It's clear your frustrated and though you're aiming it at the people critiquing your query, it's not actually because of them. Continuing to work on this, while you're so clearly not 'into' it can only hurt your work.

[Username]

Ink,

So you're saying that my present query, on page one of this thread, doesn't work for you... like, at all... and that you want me to explain the novel from start to finish?

Okay, now I'm seriously confused.

I thought that a query letter was supposed to intrigue the agent? What you're asking me to provide is more of a synopsis, isn't it? If that's what I have to do - explain the story from beginning to end - then I've got a serious problem. I don't actually know how to do that with this novel.

Here, I'll let my good friend Douglas Adams explain for me. This quotation was removed from an introduction to a Wodehouse novel written by Adams - and no I'm not saying I'm on the same level as Wodehouse (I'm even higher!), but Wodehouse was an influence on me, and when I wrote this novel I was striving to write something that would be Wodehousian.

"What Wodehouse writes," wrote Adams, "is pure word music. It matters not one whit that he writes endless variations on a theme of pig kidnappings, lofty butlers, and ludicrous impostures. He is the greatest musician of the English language, and exploring variations of familiar material is what musicians do all day. In fact, what it's about seems to me to be wonderfully irrelevant. Beauty doesn't have to be about anything. What's a vase about? What's a sunset or a flower about? What, for that matter, is Mozart's Twenty-third Piano Concerto about. It is said that all art tends toward the condition of music, and music isn't about anything - unless it's not very good music. Film music is about something. 'The Dam Busters March' is about something. A Bach fuge, on the other hand, is pure form, beauty, and playfulness, and I'm not sure that very much, in terms of human art and achievement, lies beyond a Bach fugue. Maybe 'Uncle Fred Flits By', I don't know."

How can a person who has read, say, 'Right Ho Jeeves!' possibly explain what the novel is about? You can't. All you can do is quote the puff on the inside jacket of the book.

"When Jeeves suggests dreamy, soulful Gussie Fink-Nottle don scarlet tights and a false beard in his bid to capture the affections of soppy Madeline Bassett, Wooster decides matters have definitely got out of hand. Especially when it comes to a disagreement over a certain white mess jacket with brass buttons. Taking Jeeves off the case, he embarks on a little plan of his own to bring Madeline and Gussie together. But when things go disastrously wrong who can Bertie turn to in his hour of need but Jeeves."

Yes, I suppose that after reading that we could say, hold on a minute, what's all this nonsense about false beards and scarlet tights? - and what's the white mess jacket with the brass buttons all about? And for that matter, who's this Gussie Fink-Nottle person, and how does Madeline Basset fit into all this, and what's this Jeeves suddenly doing in the story?

To even try to answer these questions completely misses the whole point of a Wodehouse novel. What the novel is actually about, as Douglas so eloquently explained, is wonderfully irrelevant!

I honestly have no idea how I'm supposed to communicate what The Incredible Race is about when right from the get-go it was never meant to be about anything at all.

[Bryan Russell/Ink]

No, I'd say the query works for me... halfway. You've got a good premise and good writing. That's half the job. The carnival barker has drawn in a crowd. Now you have to get them to pay a shilling for the show. What's the story?

And it's interesting to hear an abstract ramble on the purity of beauty without meaning... but that's not how you'd query a story. And the back jacket for the Wodehouse that you quoted does in a few sentences just what your query doesn't - it offers some of the plot and the complications for the characters. Expand on that a little and you'd have a fairly good query for Right Ho Jeeves (which I quite liked, it should be said). It's often said that queries are a lot like back jacket copy. But, really, there are lots of ways to approach that novel. That certainly isn't the only way.

You certainly can't explain everything in query. It isn't a full synopsis. There isn't space. But it helps if you try to capture the gist of it, the main conflicts and complications, the flavour of it. I think your query does provide some flavour... I think the humour comes across. But I still know nothing that happens in this story beyond the premise. A race around the world by siblings in search of a fortune. But where do they go? What problems do they face? How do they react? What are their feelings for each other? How do they change? Do they succeed or fail? Do they learn anything? Do they fall off the edge of the world and float by the great elephants (atop the great turtle) that holds up the earth and sky?

Right now your story could be just about anything. I really have no clue. From the query, it sounds like it might be funny. But lots of things might be funny. Why should I read this particular funny story?

It's hard to condense a novel to a page. That's why so many writers curse the query with their first and last breath...and all the ones in between (though I admit I'm not one of them). It helps, in my opinion, to think of it like a story. We're storytellers, so it's good to tell a story. Even if it's a frustratingly short one. What's your premise? You have a good one. There's your first paragraph. What are the complications? The rising action? That is, what happens in the middle of the book? There's paragraph numero dos. What's the lead-in to the climax? How does it end? (or, at least, hint at the ending) That's paragraph three.

Do it in under 250 words and you have a query.

Does any of that help? If not, you can send Jeeves to slap me.

Best,
Ink

[Jessica Peter]

Hi username,

I think your revised query is delightful, snappy, and it really shows your voice. I can already see the humour in your novel. I don't even feel the need to go through it line by line at this point, because the voice is there so nicely! I'm trying to avoid getting into the conversation on this page, and just look at the query. Here are two things I think it's lacking:

- An itty-bitty paragraph with title, word count, and genre (and maybe even a bit about you). I figure you'd put this in your real query, but I felt like I couldn't get grounded without reading it here.

- More story/plot - yes, even if the point of the novel is the humour, and not the plot. It seems this query describes about the first chapter only... A query is supposed to just hook an agent, but I feel you may have agents saying "Okay, but what happens?" (Or maybe not - agents are always seem to be looking for a strong voice, and you really show yours in this query!). You can extend the humour through the plot - do Bertha and Gertha encounter a rabid lion? Does evil Garth get nearly drowned by a monsoon? Okay those are lame examples, but I'm sure a humour writer would have some better ones!

[Username]

Hmm, okay, more about the plot then. And more about the characters, and how they interact.

Jesus. I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish this - so much nonsense happens in this story. For example:

How am I going to explain how Waldo finds himself in the jungle in India, walking a tightrope over a river filled with ravenous crocodiles, and the evil Garth on the other side attempting to cut the rope - and the twins, Bertha and Gertha (now allied with Waldo), on the opposite bank, attempting to shoot Garth with semi-poisonous darts... and Joseph Crumpet, coming along in a canoe (without oars) and grabbing hold of the rope to stop himself from plunging one-hundred-and-fifty-feet over the crest of the looming waterfall... and Father Charles pleading for assistance while hanging upside down from the branch of a nearby tree, having failed to communicate his religion to a local tribe of cannibals who are now fattening him up for the pot... it will be difficult.

(And yes there are crocodiles in India - I looked it up.) (Cannibals - maybe not.)

(And for those of you wondering how the rope got strung up across the river, I neglected to mention the cannon, and the recently broken alliance between Garth, Waldo, The Twins, and Lucy Lou, who now has a healthy lead over the others.)

Can you see now why I question my sanity? I'm not trying to get a cheap laugh either. I seriously wonder if I'm a card-carrying member of the cuckoo class? I heard that JK Rowling wondered the same thing about herself just months before she got that book series of hers published. (What was the name of that series anyhow - I can't remember? She was such a flash in the pan.)

Anyhow, for those of you interested in reading further, I encourage you to follow this link! I dare you to read the first three chapters. What the hell, I triple-dog-dare you!

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1467

Thanks for the help guys. I think we can all agree that I need as much of that as I can get, n'est ce pas?

[Username]

Okay, I attempted to incorporate a part of the race into the query.

I think I know what some of you are going to say next - namely, that the new sentence is 'too long'.

A 'long sentence' like the one I've written below, however, should communicate to anybody reading this query that the novel is aimed at mature readers - and not just mature readers, but readers who like to read lengthy sentences, dash it. There are a lot of lengthy sentences in the novel as well - so I see no reason the query letter shouldn't contain one. (And by the way, I can still remember my English Lit. professor demonstrating how to 'slow readers down' by writing lengthy, complicated sentences. He instructed us to follow these sentences with a series of short ones, to give our readers a break. The point is: 'long sentences' DO serve a purpose sometimes!)

The part of the race I've included is the situation mentioned above - it's the part of the race in which alliances are being broken, and family members are desperately trying to aid or prevent other members from advancing.

I've also mentioned that this story is meant to read like a Wodehouse novel - that's a lot of information. (And if the agent doesn't know who P.G. Wodehouse is... or rather, was... then I don't want that person representing me. Seriously.)

-------------------------------------

THE INCREDIBLE RACE (60,000 words; commercial literary fiction; reads like a P.G. Wodehouse novel)

Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multimillionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpics, has finally passed away.

Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, in London, England, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst the seven of them. But much to the dismay of the Crumpets, they learn that Sir Hugo digitally recorded an alternate will, which was delivered to his barrister’s office just days before his death.

And so, from beyond the grave, Sir Hugo communicates the shocking news to his children, that only one of them will benefit financially from his death. The Crumpets learn they must race each other around the world in competition for their deceased father's fortune.

Join Father Charles Crumpet, Lucy Lou Crumpet, Comrade Joseph Crumpet, the evil Garth Crumpet, the twins, Bertha and Gertha Crumpet, and young Waldo Crumpet, on a race around the world.

When Waldo finds himself walking a tightrope above a river filled with ravenous crocodiles, and Garth attempting to cut the rope from the opposite bank, and Bertha and Gertha shooting at Garth with hallucinogenic darts... and Joseph attempting to grab hold of the rope from an oarless boat as he sails towards a looming waterfall... and Father Charles pleading for assistance while hanging upside down from the branch of a nearby tree - and with Lucy Lou now leading the race, having recently been shot out of a cannon, it can only be said that the race has gotten seriously out of control. Betrayals and broken alliances abound. But in the midst of all this chaos there is also reconciliation, as one by one the Crumpets attempt to repair old family wounds.

Cheer on your favorite family member as the Crumpets race to determine which member will become the sole recipient of Sir Hugo’s toothpick fortune.

About myself: I'm an unpublished novelist who spends way too much time hanging around the forum of another literary agent named Nathan Bransford (also the author of JACOB WONDERBAR AND THE COSMIC SPACE KAPOW). One day I would like to be a published author, like Ernest Hemingway, and maybe the recipient of The Nobel Prize For Literature. Thank you.

[J. T. SHEA]

Nobody here but us cuckoos, Username! Your additions are excellent. The setup plus a taste of an action scene with all seven Crumpets. Just what we (and agents) need.

A few small points:-
THE INCREDIBLE RACE is comedy, not commercial literary fiction. P. G. Wodehouse was also comedy. Nothing to be ashamed of.

You might say Wodehouse was an influence rather than that it 'reads like a P. G. Wodehouse novel.' It reads like a Username novel!

'When Waldo finds himself walking a tightrope above a river filled with ravenous crocodiles, and Garth attempting to cut the rope from the opposite bank, and Bertha and Gertha shooting at Garth with hallucinogenic darts...'
I would replace the 'and' with 'with'.

Agents may or may not get the jokes about Nathan and Hemingway and the Nobel Prize. It's a judgement call, but ultimately up to you, of course. In any case, you do not HAVE to mention you're not published yet.

I won't mention the long sentence. Oh darn, I just did...

I think the rest of us have a better opinion of your writing than you do yourself. One moment you have no idea how you're going to accomplish something, the next you've done it.

That obscure Rowling series was about Larry Trotter, wasn't it? Or maybe Barry Plotter?

[Username]

That stuff about myself in the last paragraph was meant for this forum only. LOL!

Also, I'm going to have to re-write that long sentence. I wrote that last night, and posted it five minutes later. It sucks. Thanks for the encouragement though.