A whole new approach, now I need your eyes and comments

[BethC]

I was one of the very fortunate people to have my query and first 30 pages of I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, posted for comment. Reading the comments and then reading...and rereading my pages aloud I could hear how disconnected my manuscript had become from all the revisions. So I've taken a new direction and now I would appreciate and yes, beg, if necessary for comments. If you were one of the people who read the pages for I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, I hope this is better. One note...I underlined words that would be italicized, but underlining isn't showing up here...can someone tell me what I did wrong?

Chapter One
Coming out of the last hairpin curve, I punched the gas pedal and headed for home. If luck was with me…and that new deputy wasn’t out…I could be home in less than twenty minutes.
“Just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world,” I sang thinking, that’s me, small town and anytime my “city boy” wanted to show up would be just great with me. Jack’s call interrupted my solo.
“Hey. What’s goin’ on?”
“Just checking to see if you need me to pick up anything else.”
“Nope. I left the cabin about ten minutes ago. Everything’s ready. Julie and Ethan brought the coolers around 3:00. Food’s in the refrigerator. We’re ready to party. What time will you be over?”
“I’m leaving work now. What about 6:30?”
I glanced at the clock. “That’s fine. I’m almost home.”
“Don’t stop believin’, Hold on to that feelin’” The louder I sang, the faster I drove.
Sixteen minutes later I wheeled my little red car into the drive and headed for the mailbox. Hmmmm, a gas bill, a credit card offer…nothing too exciting so far, I thought, pitching the stack on the kitchen counter and grabbing a cold soda from the refrigerator. Going back to the mail, a smile spread quickly. I ripped open the pink envelope and pulled out the card. “Happy 18th birthday Presley. Spend it on something fun. Love Aunt Bryn, Uncle Rick and boys”. Oh, I will, I promised the five crisp twenty dollar bills.
I continued to sift through the stack, you know, just in case someone else decided to grace me with more green. Bill. Bill. What the…? My name was sketched…much like a tattoo across the front of the envelope. The “O’s” in O’Connor were skulls…the ink was dark red…blood red. The contents were simple; a message and my senior picture. The message on a single sheet of paper read, Happy Birthday Too bad it’s your last. soon real soon. The paper floated to the floor and I was left staring at my picture or what was left of it. My eyes had been precisely excised; slits ran the length of both cheeks, “soon” scrawled in red, seemed cut into my forehead..
If this is a joke, I thought, it’s not funny. Who would do something like this? Before I could answer myself, mom’s car pulled in and I stuffed the note and the picture back in the envelope and ran upstairs. Mom would freak out. Telling either of my parents would be a mistake.
“Presley, are you ready for tonight?” mom asked as she opened my bedroom door. “Look at this top. It will be perfect with the shorts you’re wearing.” She stopped short when she saw my face. “Honey, is something wrong?”
“No, I uh…I’m just running late. Jack will be here in less than an hour,” I stammered.
“About tonight…”
“I remember mom. Nothing crazy. We won’t trash the cabin. You don’t have to worry.”
“I wasn’t worrying. I trust you. Besides I don’t think there is a boy nicer than Jack. I’m really glad you two are together.”
“I know mom…he’s great.” Explaining my relationship with Jack to Mom was useless. I tried…once.
“What do you mean…just dating for convenience? Who’s convenience? I’m not saying you should be too serious with any guy right now, but you could do a lot worse than Jack Smith. Trust me.”
I love my mom, but sometimes it’s best to leave her just on the outside of the loop. After that day, I just let her think Jack and I are a couple. It keeps her happy.
As soon as she left the room I grabbed the letter from my nightstand. Only one person I know might stoop to something this cruel. I know how much he dislikes me. I’ve felt it. Having a sixth sense has bailed me out of a lot of things over the last few years, but learning to control my ability to connect to other’s deepest emotions, is a life saver, or so I thought. His feelings are something I’d rather not have inside me. But maybe it’s time to check him out and if I’m right, then I can handle this. He’s a sleaze ball, but not a killer. That thought slowed my breathing…not a killer. Just a joke—a joke no one else needs to know. No one, including Jack.
By the time I dressed I was no longer upset over the letter…I was mad. What right did that scumbag have to ruin my birthday? It would serve him right if I showed the letter to Jack. But I wouldn’t do that. Jack would take care of him…and the thought of Jack possibly getting hurt made me physically ill. I’d handle this myself, but tonight I was going to my birthday party and I was going to have fun. No big deal. No big deal, I repeated softly as I walked downstairs to meet Jack.
“Happy Birthday, old woman,” he grinned, wrapping me in a bear hug. “Don’t worry Mrs. O’Connor; I’ll be sure she’s in bed by nine.”
My mouth dropped open, Jack went crimson, and mom’s plastered smile began to crack.
“That’s not what I meant….I uh…I’m sorry…I meant…you know…old people go to bed early.”
Mom’s face relaxed. “It’s okay…actually it’s kind of funny.”
“I think you’re both crazy. And don’t be so smug,” I checked my watch, “in about six hours you’ll be just as old. Ha!”
Being a day older than Jack had been cool when we were ten, now he’s the one that finds it amusing. “Bye Mom; don’t wait up. I’ll be late.”
Everyone we knew…and some we didn’t…showed up. If the amount of beer being consumed or number of couples hooking up counted, then the party was making some people’s best ten lists. Not mine. I couldn’t stop roaming through the crowd, looking for the one person I really needed to see. Of course, he wasn’t here, which placed another big check in favor of him being the guilty party. I was just coming up from the boat dock when Julie spotted me.
“Hey, girl. Great party. Jack’s been looking for you,” Julie laughed. “You’d better get in there…Karely’s giving him one of her looks.”
Let her look, I mumbled, angrier with myself for letting the note writing creep ruin my night. I pushed my way through the kitchen crowd to find Jack.
“Did you get lost?” Jack laughed, but I didn’t miss his irritation.
“Sorry. I walked down to the lake; there’s a crowd down there too.”
He took my hand, “Are you sick?”
“No, I’m…maybe it’s the weather…it’s too hot. Even for August 4.”
By the time the last person left, I knew I was in trouble with Jack. My shirt, damp and clingy reflected my own mood. Turning to Jack, I forced a smile. “It’s after midnight, so….happy birthday.”
“Thanks. Now you can stop worrying about being the older woman,” he laughed, wrapping me in his arms, and kissing me softly on the lips.
“I haven’t been worrying.”
He leaned me back, narrowing his eyes in irritation. “Okay. Then what’s been wrong with you all night?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Is that right. Could have fooled me. You’ve walked around all night like you were in some kind of trance. Do you have any idea how many people asked me what was up with you? And when Ethan came back for his keys, you bit his head off. Oh no, you’ve been perfectly normal.”
“He scared the crap out of me. Sneaking up on me wasn’t funny.”
“Presley, he wasn’t sneaking up on you. If you hadn’t been somewhere out in zombie land you would have heard him ask if anyone had seen his keys.”
I instinctively screwed my mouth to the side, chewing my bottom lip. The anxiety and hurt flowing through him burned into my heart. Jack’s feelings are second nature to me. We’ve been best friends since we were nine. The only time I shut him out is when he’s in a relationship…I don’t want to feel that! And since we’ve been going out, I don’t intrude either. Well, not often anyway.
My resolve to keep secret the letter I’d received this afternoon weakened. Every brain cell I had screamed tell him. I wanted him to hold me, to tell me he’d take care of everything. And that’s what stopped me. I continued lying.
“You’re right. I’m sorry…really. I’ve just been thinking about the school year starting…and us. Karely Wilson has been talking about you all summer. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. If you want…”
“I don’t want. Listen, I know our deal. If there’s anyone I really want to go out with, I’ll tell you. I’m just fine with us.”
“Okay. And I’m really sorry about tonight. Forgive me?”
“Guess I’ll have to…since there isn’t anyone else I want to be with,” he snickered as we made one last walk through the cabin…at least nothing was broken.
Closing the front door I gave the knob a quick twist to be sure it locked and we walked hand in hand to his car. He relaxed as he shifted through the gears of his new black Mustang—a birthday gift from his grandparents.
“I can’t believe this car. Some people have all the luck. Guess I’ll be stuck driving old red to Fayetteville next year.”
He laughed, accelerating as we came out of the long drive and onto the highway. In ten minutes we were starting down the mountain and the lights of town twinkled below us. Franklin’s a small town, population just under 10,000, and the biggest crime in the last year is the game of baseball some guys played with the mailboxes along Oak Street. The letter filled my thoughts; a death threat would be big news. Didn’t the idiot know how much trouble he would be in if I chose to show everything to the police?
“You asleep,” Jack drew his fingertips down my cheek.
“No. Just thinking how peaceful town looks from up here.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I told you…I’m fine.”
We rode in silence after that and then Jack left me with a short goodnight kiss. “You can’t keep it a secret forever. You know you suck at lying.”
In my room I held the letter again. I read and reread the words…and then it hit me. Jumping up I pulled last year’s annual from the bookshelf and quickly flipped to the back pages of candid shots. There it was—a picture made at the lake last summer and he was in the background. I hadn’t ask him to sign my annual…I didn’t like him much even before he started harassing me, but he’d grabbed it in class and signed anyway. The writing wasn’t the same…but the words…I really like you. Give me a chance to show you how much. Soon, real soon I could make your dreams come true.
Soon, real soon—just like the note. Just the proof I needed. I felt better. And he thought he was so smart. Just wait. Crawling back into bed, punching my pillow into just the right shape, I made a promise to put this behind me. Two hours later, I sat bathed in sweat, clutching my pillow, and petrified to close my eyes again.
Even awake I couldn’t stop the horror of the dream. I felt the helplessness all over again. Felt the darkness swell until it consumed me and I felt the eyes. I knew he could see me…could see through the darkness and into my soul. The voice reverberated in my head; soon…real soon…I’ll be coming.

[Serzen]

Beth,

Straight off the top, let me say I like the way your dialogue reads; it's something that I find particularly difficult, so I wanted to say you've done a good job with it.

However, you need to end this love affair with the ellipsis. Really. Right now. I'll just wait over here while you two break up...

Okay. Hope he took it well. If it makes him feel better, the above sentence uses the ellipsis correctly (in this case, trailing off into silence, evoking a feeling of melancholy). In most of the places where you've used the ellipsis, you should be using a comma or an em dash, a semi-colon or a colon, a full stop even. For example:

If luck was with me--and that new deputy wasn't out--I could be home in less than twenty minutes.

The "O's" in O'Connor were skulls. The ink was dark red, blood red.

"I know mom. He's great." Explaining my relationship with Jack to Mom was useless. I tried. Once.
"What do you mean, just dating for convenience?"

By the time I was dressed, I was no longer upset over the letter: I was mad

And so on and so forth. And, keep your tenses in line. You've jumped tenses in a couple of spots and I doubt it was done with intent. Keep those things clean.

The writing is solid. Nothing comes across as too verbose, nothing sounds too forced. The setup for the coming conflict is laid out simply and elegantly; Presley's ESP is, likewise, just dropped to the reader as a fact to be absorbed and isn't mooned on about; the brooding about the death threat is handled with some angst, but doesn't become whiny and self-absorbed.

My most helpful sentiment, I guess, is to brush up on your punctuation. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punctuation is a good start if you don't want to buy a grammar text.

RE: the underlining. It should be simple. I normally type in the code myself, so I just put [ u ] and [ /u ] (without the leading and trailing spaces) at the front and end of text, respectively, I want underscored.

~Serzen

[BethC]

Serzen,

He took it well. I simply explained he would have to fade away. Thank you so much for your encouragement and comments. I will definitely get to work on the punctuation. In fact I have a reader right now who is the "punctuation queen", so I'm hoping for a lot of help from her. I know everyone writes, revises, and on and on, but when it finally comes together, it's the most amazing thing.

[Username]

A famous literary agent (no longer accepting unsolicited work, of course) wrote a book about all the things that literary agents watch out for - one being when a novel starts off with dialogue. Many editors will think of this as being 'too rushed' or 'hurried'. Impatient, was the word that the author of the book used.

I'm not making a comment on your choice to commence your novel with dialogue. You just need to be aware that this is how editors and agents think.

[Margo]

I hope you don’t mind if I line edit. I thought it might be helpful.

The writing is very nice. I don’t have any problems with the story at this point. The concerns I have are punctuation, tense, parallel construction, dialogue tags, and simultaneous action when consecutive action is intended.

My specific comments (your original writing in italics):

“Don’t stop believin’, Hold on to that feelin’” The louder I sang, the faster I drove.

Needs a period after ‘feelin’.

Hmmmm, a gas bill, a credit card offer…nothing too exciting so far, I thought, pitching the stack on the kitchen counter and grabbing a cold soda from the refrigerator. Going back to the mail, a smile spread quickly.

This use of ‘pitching’ and ‘grabbing’ indicates simultaneous action, not consecutive actions. In other words, this sentence says she is pitching the mail at the exact same moment she is grabbing the soda. This can, if desired, be made consecutive by adding ‘then’: kitchen counter and then grabbing...

“Happy 18th birthday Presley. Spend it on something fun. Love Aunt Bryn, Uncle Rick and boys”.

Needs commas after ‘birthday’ and after ‘Love’ unless the mispunctuation in the note is intentional.

Oh, I will, I promised the five crisp twenty dollar bills.

I like the line, though the tense shift is awkward. Is this one of the lines you had tried to underline?

My name was sketched…much like a tattoo across the front of the envelope.

Passive voice. You could try something like this: The sender had sketched my name out on the envelope like a tattoo. Which is a nice line, though I’m not quite sure how that would look.

The “O’s” in O’Connor were skulls…the ink was dark red…blood red.

The creative punctuation is an unwelcome distraction to what I consider nice writing. Occasional use is no problem, but constant use will have the reader paying more attention to the choppy sentences than the story or characterization.

The contents were simple; a message and my senior picture.

I would caution against the frequent use of verbs of being. They tend to come off non-descript and flat. Also, the semicolon should be a colon.

The message on a single sheet of paper read, Happy Birthday Too bad it’s your last. soon real soon.

Here, again, I suggest a colon, right before ‘Happy”. Also, the punctuation needs work unless it’s intentional.

The paper floated to the floor and I was left staring at my picture or what was left of it. My eyes had been precisely excised; slits ran the length of both cheeks, “soon” scrawled in red, seemed cut into my forehead.

Verbs of being mixed with passive voice.

If this is a joke, I thought, it’s not funny.

The tense shifts can be distracting.

Before I could answer myself, mom’s car pulled in and I stuffed the note and the picture back in the envelope and ran upstairs.

Need to capitalize ‘mom’s’ as it is being used as her name.

“Presley, are you ready for tonight?” mom asked as she opened my bedroom door.

Capitalize ‘mom’.

“Honey, is something wrong?”
“No, I uh…I’m just running late. Jack will be here in less than an hour,” I stammered.

When I saw ‘stammered’, I noted the said bookism, but was going to ignore this one. One isn’t a problem, especially when speakers are not laughing, hissing, and smiling all the dialogue all the time. However, I found three more just in this short section, plus two dialogue tags that were not dialogue tags at all. I know there are people who argue for said bookisms, but not this many of them.

“I remember mom.

Needs a comma after ‘remember’ and ‘mom’ capitalized.

“I know mom…he’s great.”

Comma after ‘know’.

I tried…once.

A comma in place of the ellipse would be less distracting and do what you intend for the ellipse to do. There are a few hard-line authors who believe ellipses should not be used as pauses, only to indicate the omission of words. That’s for you to decide, however.

“What do you mean…just dating for convenience? Who’s convenience?

I thought I had missed something until I realized several lines later that Mom is referring to something Presley had said in an earlier conversation, which was awkward for me.

Having a sixth sense has bailed me out of a lot of things over the last few years, but learning to control my ability to connect to other’s deepest emotions, is a life saver, or so I thought.

The comma after ‘emotions’ is not necessary.

Just a joke—a joke no one else needs to know.

Again, distracting punctuation.

By the time I dressed I was no longer upset over the letter…I was mad. What right did that scumbag have to ruin my birthday? It would serve him right if I showed the letter to Jack. But I wouldn’t do that. Jack would take care of him…and the thought of Jack possibly getting hurt made me physically ill. I’d handle this myself, but tonight I was going to my birthday party and I was going to have fun. No big deal. No big deal, I repeated softly as I walked downstairs to meet Jack.

I like the information but dislike the telling rather than showing and the delivery in one solid info chunk.

“Happy Birthday, old woman,” he grinned, wrapping me in a bear hug.

The said bookism is ‘grinned’, as grinning does not result in speech.

“I think you’re both crazy. And don’t be so smug,” I checked my watch, “in about six hours you’ll be just as old. Ha!”

‘I checked my watch’ does not contain any dialogue tag at all. In this case, either a tag needs to be added (I said, checking my watch), or the sentence needs to be broken into three sentences.

“Bye Mom; don’t wait up. I’ll be late.”

Needs a comma after ‘Bye’.

“Hey, girl. Great party. Jack’s been looking for you,” Julie laughed.

The said bookism is ‘laughed’.

Let her look, I mumbled, angrier with myself for letting the note writing creep ruin my night.

In this case, ‘mumbled’ would actually be a dialogue tag (a said bookism, but not one of the more abrasive ones), so this either needs quotation punctuation or another word in place of the tag.

He took my hand, “Are you sick?”

Taking her hand does not result in speech. This is not a dialogue tag. Two separate sentences.

“No, I’m…maybe it’s the weather…it’s too hot. Even for August 4.”

Does she actually say August 4 or August 4th?

My shirt, damp and clingy reflected my own mood.

Needs comma after ‘clingy’.

“Thanks. Now you can stop worrying about being the older woman,” he laughed, wrapping me in his arms, and kissing me softly on the lips.

Said bookism.

I continued lying.

This line is unnecessary. The idea has already been promised in the previous line and fulfilled in the dialogue that follows.


“Guess I’ll have to…since there isn’t anyone else I want to be with,” he snickered as we made one last walk through the cabin…at least nothing was broken.


Sorry, ‘snickered’ is an awful said bookism.


In ten minutes we were starting down the mountain and the lights of town twinkled below us.


A parallel construction issue with mismatched tenses.


“You asleep,” Jack drew his fingertips down my cheek.


Not a dialogue tag. Two sentences.


We rode in silence after that and then Jack left me with a short goodnight kiss.


Needs a comma after ‘that’.


Jumping up I pulled last year’s annual from the bookshelf and quickly flipped to the back pages of candid shots.


This construction indicates she is jumping up at the same time she is pulling down the book.


I hadn’t ask him to sign my annual…

Asked?


Soon, real soon I could make your dreams come true.


Is this punctuation intentional?


Crawling back into bed, punching my pillow into just the right shape, I made a promise to put this behind me.


This construction indicates crawling into bed at the same time as punching the pillow.


Two hours later, I sat bathed in sweat, clutching my pillow, and petrified to close my eyes again.


Too petrified?


Felt the darkness swell until it consumed me and I felt the eyes.

A parallel construction issue with one clause having only an implied subject and the other one with a stated subject. Either is a fine choice, provided you apply the choice to both clauses.


I hope these comments are helpful. Also, don't let the volume of comments give you the impression I didn't like the actual writing; I did.

[Quill]

What a fine critique, Margo.

I also like the writing.

[Steppe]

I gave you some encouraging commentary previously to "go for it" and I think/feel you made it to where you wanted to go.

The flow is very consistent and very YA 17-27 age group: "muddling excitedly through the world in an authenticate way."

A technical note: I wondered how the party wound down and came out of the readers trance momentarily.
If you could wind that loose thread down without blowing the rhythum good: if not write it off to my critiquing
thoroughness.

Your mid-paragraph bit.
-----
As soon as she left the room I grabbed the letter from my nightstand. Only one person I know might stoop to something this cruel. I know how much he dislikes me. I’ve felt it. Having a sixth sense has bailed me out of a lot of things over the last few years, but learning to control my ability to connect to other’s deepest emotions, is a life saver, or so I thought. His feelings are something I’d rather not have inside me. But maybe it’s time to check him out and if I’m right, then I can handle this. He’s a sleaze ball, but not a killer. That thought slowed my breathing…not a killer. Just a joke—a joke no one else needs to know. No one, including Jack.
-----

Another poster commented on this as a very elegant introduction of her abilities and I agree.
You probably worked so hard on this you missed a tiny flaw:

As soon as she
Vs
The minute she

That also is a critique commentary that is personal to me because I have to limit my use of 'as."
it is a personal fast writing crutch. I only saw that once; so once again don't change it if it alters
the rhythum you have presented. I am excessively conscious of my own crutches and correct them
during early-middle and final revisions.

The reworking of the dream sequence was just right to.
It leads the reader with that "I Know What You Did Last Summer Feeling."

Specifically: "Doesn't this stupid, silly little broad, know she being stalked by a potential psychopath!"

Nice detailing.
I am not one of those people who has an opinion on early use of dialogue.
The usage here seems to work and be stylistically in line with the inner thoughts
of the narrator so there was no transition gaps rhythmically.

So that's it: One use of "as." And the possible closing of the party wind up; example.

My friends wandered away on their... some of this some of that.
But it's not what can be described as a hole more as a tiny little burr.
Plus: upcoming pg-10 to pg-20
The narrator describing her physical appearance somehow is necessary to lock the dream image
into the readers trance. How, I don't know, maybe a flashback with a character saying "oh your so..."

Definitely reads like good young adult and adult horror fiction/suspense.
I like the story idea the search for the unknown factors.
Continue to "slowly" deepen the readers understanding of her perceptive abilities
similar to the second hint of his(mystery perpetrator) feelings inside her thought realms.
That was good reinforcement of the initial subtle introduction of the characters inner ability theme.

Jack and her making quips that lead an intro into flashbacks of her abilities saving and embarrassing
her and sometimes comforting or strengthening her, draws the reader slowly into her inner world.
I'm thinking clever bits like "Dreamcatcher" by Stephen King uses to detail the players worldview.

Keep up the good work.

[BethC]

I want to thank all of you for the comments and help. I haven't been on lately. Been working on MS, punctuation, tense, etc. I know I rushed to post the rewrite and should have gone back through, but as I revise I'm getting so excited about my story. Margo, thank you for taking the time to give so many helpful comments. this forum is the greatest.

[Marjorie]

Beth,
I think this would work for the 17-27 age group, maybe even younger. The punctuation has already received comments, so I will just say I like the beginning of this story.
Marjorie

[Margo]

Margo, thank you for taking the time to give so many helpful comments.

You're very welcome. I'm glad the comments were helpful. Again, good luck!