Query Critique - OSAA

[Hillsy]

OK....Amazing how a re-jig of 250 words can take soooo long...hehe

Well, in reply to your comments I've made a couple of changes.

Joel: I also liked the first line as it does state a clear theme right up top, but I removed it at Nathan's behest. Now I've tried to come to a compromise and inveigle it into the info line. Also Angels does mean something in the story but a) not like traditional Paranormal angel and b) I cut the backstory about what they are out the query completely because it was just too complex: describing a totally new societal structure was tricky enough without throwing in the fantasy part of the story.....I've had to make my piece and hope the query stands up as a pure Sci-fi query.
As for splitting it - I can't do that; I'd be writing a different story, inventing unimportant events to help end the frist and start the second halves. The story is that long because that's the length it takes to tell it. And a little secret - walk into your local bookshop's SF/F section. A most paperback books in there are over 550 pages long and have at least 34 lines per page: that's around 187000 words in English money.

KappaP: Good points gratefully accepted and I've tried to rectify them. I'm hoping I've clarified Layne's conflict a bit better and altered the 2nd paragraph to give him a little more personality (by showing, not telling....hehe), which I hope is what you pointing out. Also I've attempted to link the last para in with the ongoing events to reflect better how it entwines with the plot in the book rather than a tidbit just left out there.

Josin: Just for you I put the word count at the end so at least the agent will have to read the query before dismissing my MS out of hand for being too long.

Here's hoping I've cracked it this time.....keep the criticisms coming!!!!

[Hillsy]

Of Shadows and Angels - Rev 2

Dear Agent

Please consider for representation my science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS, where Layne, a military recruit, is about to find that sometimes peace costs more than war.


Society, polarised by ideologies, exists in a perpetual state of war that neither side can win. Forced into stalemate by the harsh, unremitting wastelands separating them, the Gangs and the Cities are reduced to petty raids and depredations.

Layne barely survived the latest Gang strike, a bold assault on the City’s military facility, the Garrison. Still in training and with a slew of discipline issues to his name, Layne is surprised when his superiors task him with uncovering how the Gangs penetrated Garrison security. However, someone else - someone with power and authority - has another role for him: Traitor.

Framed as a conspirator and without sufficient proof of his innocence, Layne’s only choice is to flee, and there’s only one place he can run - the Gangs.

As Layne tries to survive within the Gang’s Fortress he finds many of his prejudices are just Garrison propaganda, designed to make the war easier to swallow, and now he is faced with an enemy he finds increasingly difficult to label evil.

Desperate to clear his name, hampered by his ethics, Layne struggles to stop not only the Gangs from tilting the balance of power irrevocably in their favour, but also someone from using the Gang’s bold plans to forge a lasting peace.

Because while the war is bad, peace will be cataclysmic.


OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS is 197000 words long and I have included a synopsis and the first 5 pages on my manuscript below.

I look forward to hearing from you

------------------------------------------------------------------

Again many thanks to those who've commented so far, you've done so much already. Please I welcome all comments (aside from word count issues...lol) about the query and would appreciate you thoughts

Laters

[trini]

I so want to read this. :)

[Joel Q]

Of Shadows and Angels - Rev 2

As Layne tries to survive within the Gang’s Fortress he finds many of his prejudices are just Garrison propaganda, designed to make the war easier to swallow, and now he is faced with an enemy he finds increasingly difficult to label evil.

(Question: Layne is hiding from the Cities, but is he also hiding from Gangs? Or is he walking around freely within the Fortress? Just trying to figure out if he is trying not be discovered as a "City" person while he's in the Fortress or have the Gangs accepted him. Does that make sense?)

Desperate to clear his name, hampered by his ethics, Layne struggles to stop not only the Gangs from tilting the balance of power irrevocably in their favour, but also someone from using the Gang’s bold plans to forge a lasting peace.

(I don't like the second part of this sentence, I feel like there needs to be a "but also to stop someone" in there or somthing--probably because the sentence is long and I want the verb near the clause.)

Because while the war is bad, peace will be cataclysmic.

Your revisions are going well.
nice job
JQ