Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

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Chris48
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Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by Chris48 » May 14th, 2010, 10:44 am

This is my second time to post my query for feedback. This one is much better than my last, but must need polishing since I have not had any takers from my submissions. I'm looking for kind, constructive critisism - Thanks -Chris48

As a Massage Therapist, Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? This, and more menacing incidents, leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm.

Meg wonders if it has something to do with helping her friend, Adrianna return her stolen embryos. Is there a connection with the mysterious bald electrician who has been spotted at the scene of the crimes? Or maybe it has nothing to do with her latest good deed. Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing Chiropractor is to blame?

True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life. Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and is regrettably, as boring as dirt. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But, now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it.

To complicate matters, Meg suspects that her sexy friend Alex has been popping Viagra like candy. Why else would his normally innocuous flirtations turn hotter than a Tom Jones concert?

Meg must now decide who the greater danger is, the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod.

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word work of Chick Lit, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.

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Re: Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by theWallflower » May 14th, 2010, 11:22 am

As a Massage Therapist, Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? This, and more menacing incidents, leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm.
-Massage therapist is not capitalized.
-rig is a bad word, try sabotage. And how did they rig her staircase? What did they do?
-I hate the phrase "bagpiper in a windstorm". It seems a feeble attempt to add some voice to the query. Do that through the telling of the plot. Plus, this is telling
-Who is Meg O'Brien? What is she like?
Meg wonders if it has something to do with helping her friend, Adrianna return her stolen embryos. Is there a connection with the mysterious bald electrician who has been spotted at the scene of the crimes? Or maybe it has nothing to do with her latest good deed. Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing Chiropractor is to blame?
-Conserve your words. I would change the first sentence to "Does it have something to do..."
-comma after Adrianna
-"return her stolen embryos" is intriguing, but not enough there. I need to know a little more background to that. Are they human?
-"who has been spotted" is passive
-"latest good deed" is abstract, be specific
-chiropractor is not capitalized
-whose chiropractor? Hers? What is his relationship to the scenario
True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life. Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and is regrettably, as boring as dirt. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But, now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it.
-This is all background and premise.
-comma after Glen
-take out "regrettably"
-responsibility for what?
To complicate matters, Meg suspects that her sexy friend Alex has been popping Viagra like candy. Why else would his normally innocuous flirtations turn hotter than a Tom Jones concert?
-More premise
-Three paragraphs later, I have no idea what the book is about.
Meg must now decide who the greater danger is, the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod.
-Take out this line
MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word work of Chick Lit, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry.
-Don't compare your work to others. The agent wants to read it as it stands on its own. Also, mentioning other authors you're similar to negates any originality your story might have.

-Rework this query to talk about the plot, not all of Meg's wacky, horny friends. There's an inciting incident, but I don't know what happens after that. I don't have a sense of who Megan is. I don't know why someone is trying to kill her, or what she possibly could have done to deserve it (except maybe stole embryos, whatever that means). There should be a clue in here. And I definitely have no idea what she's going to do about it, or what obstacles she faces. Give us the plot summary, not character profiles.
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Re: Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by austincambridge » May 14th, 2010, 12:14 pm

Chris48 wrote:This is my second time to post my query for feedback. This one is much better than my last, but must need polishing since I have not had any takers from my submissions. I'm looking for kind, constructive critisism - Thanks -Chris48

As a Massage Therapist,Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? This, andmore menacing incidents, vague, remove this leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm. Is she a Scot? remove this whole sentence
Meg wonders if it has something to do with helping her friend, Adrianna return her stolen embryos. Is there a connection with the mysterious bald electrician who has been spotted at the scene of the crimes? Or maybe it has nothing to do with her latest good deed. Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing Chiropractor is to blame? No idea what this paragraph is about
True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life. Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and is regrettably, as boring as dirt. Then of course he's not the right man for her! Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But, now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it. This isn't grabbing me

To complicate matters, Meg suspects that her sexy friend Alex has been popping Viagra like candy. Why else would his normally innocuous flirtations turn hotter than a Tom Jones concert? Too many names in this query

Meg must now decide who the greater danger is, the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod. Hmmm, a tricky one, but I'llplump for Mr. Death.

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word work of Chick Lit, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.

You tell us that Meg's life is in danger, but then continue the query with (in camparison to the murder attempt) frivialities. Concentrate on the central theme, let your writing style in the query convey the style of the novel.

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Re: Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by FK7 » May 14th, 2010, 12:23 pm

Chris48 wrote:This is my second time to post my query for feedback. This one is much better than my last, but must need polishing since I have not had any takers from my submissions. I'm looking for kind, constructive critisism - Thanks -Chris48

As a massage mherapist, Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? This, and more menacing incidents a bit clichéd and overly general, I'd add specifics., leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm. A bagpiper in a windstorm would be nervous because he'll fear his kilt will fly up, or it might just refresh him :D

Meg wonders if it has something to do with helping her friend, Adrianna returns her stolen embryos. You're missing a conjunction here. What's Adrianna got to do with the embryos in relation to Meg's work as a massage therapist? Is she a microbiologist on her free time?Is there a connection with the mysterious bald electrician who has been spotted at the scene of the crimes? which crimes?Or maybe it has nothing to do with her latest good deed. What good deed? If it has nothing to do with it, it'd be more enticing to know what the deed was, or remove the sentence all together. Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing Chiropractor is to blame? love this.!

True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life. Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen, is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and regrettably, is as boring as dirt. Dirt's indeed boring :) Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But now, Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it. I think you could rewrite this whole paragraph in one sentence only, to indicate she's struggling with her fiancé. The whole backstory of their relationship takes away from the main plot.

To complicate matters, Meg suspects that her sexy friend Alex has been popping Viagra like candy. Why else would his normally innocuous flirtations turn hotter than a Tom Jones concert? Is Alex's overuse of ED drugs relevant to the plot?

Meg must now decide who the greater danger is: the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod.

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word Chick Lit novel word followed by work is a bit weird, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry. Don't know who they are, but I assume the agents who represent the genre will.Well presented.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
I think you have a good basis here, it's just a bit sloppy, and the plot isn't really clear. Meg is a massage therapist, and someone's trying to kill her. Why? Surely there has to be a reason that she at least suspects. The connection with Adrianna is not made...she's her friend, ok, but where did the embryos come from? Why is it important?

This is my first public query critique, I'm not sure if you'll find my comments useful, but I hope you do! I know it takes a lot of courage to post these on the interweb...

Good luck with the project Chris :)

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Re: Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by rainbowsheeps » May 14th, 2010, 2:37 pm

Chris48 wrote:This is my second time to post my query for feedback. This one is much better than my last, but must need polishing since I have not had any takers from my submissions. I'm looking for kind, constructive critisism - Thanks -Chris48

As a Massage Therapist, Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? This, and more menacing incidents, leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm. ("more menacing incidents" should be elaborated upon, or removed. The bagpiper comparison isn't strong enough. It exemplifies a mixed tone that runs through the letter, honestly. Her life's in danger, but that tension is lessened as you discuss her personal problems and sexual desires.

Meg wonders if it has something to do with helping her friend, Adrianna, return her stolen embryos. Is there a connection with the mysterious bald electrician who has been spotted she saw(?) at the scene of the crimes (also, exactly what crimes? The stolen embryo? The staircase incident? The other "more menacing incidents"?)? Or maybe it has nothing to do with her latest good deed. (This is a little wordy and the wording "nothing to do with her latest good deed" bothers me for some reason.) Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing Chiropractor is to blame?

True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life. Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen, is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and is regrettably, as boring as dirt. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But, now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it. (Chick lit isn't my thing, but this doesn't make the character sympathetic. She's clearly with a guy she doesn't like that much. That might gain a little sympathy from the audience, but it might also make them think, "she shouldn't have married him" or "she should leave." Also, the vision of hitting him with a baton probably isn't as humorous as you intended. It hints, even slightly, that she's violent towards him when his only "crimes" are being boring and not understanding her. Most readers probably won't automatically assume she's a violent person, but it works in the background to further portray her as unsympathetic.)

To complicate matters, Meg suspects that her sexy friend Alex has been popping Viagra like candy. (This makes me question how old Meg, and Alex, is honestly. The title of the book, the fact she has a fiance but not a husband, it suggests a younger woman to me, but then this line makes me think she might be older.) Why else would his normally innocuous flirtations turn hotter than a Tom Jones concert?

Meg must now decide who the greater danger is, the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod. (Hmm. The stranger trying to commit homicide, or the guy who chews ED pills like tic-tacs. I wonder.)

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG (I'm wondering... is there a significance to the fact she wears a thong? I assumed this would have been described in the query letter somewhere. It isn't, though.) is a 102,000 word work of Chick Lit, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
The tone needs work. It might work better if you introduce the personal life problems first (I'd still advise tightening those parts up though), then the murder attempts.

It feels like everything is happening to her, but she's not doing anything, really. Is she trying to find out who this person is? Is she calling the police?

The murder attempts don't feel like a catalyzing event right now.

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Re: Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by wilderness » May 18th, 2010, 4:47 pm

Chris48 wrote:
As a Massage Therapist (use lowercase), Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? This, and more menacing incidents, leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm. More menacing incidents is too vague, and I don't know why a bagpiper is nervous in a windstorm. Maybe it's an expression I haven't heard of.

Meg wonders if it has something to do with helping her friend, Adrianna return her stolen embryos. Is there a connection with the mysterious bald electrician who has been spotted at the scene of the crimes? Or maybe it has nothing to do with her latest good deed. Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing Chiropractor is to blame? This is frustratingly vague. We don't know anything about the stolen embryos or her latest good deed. I think you're trying to hint at a goofy cast but you have to be a bit more specific to draw us in.

True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life. Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and is regrettably, as boring as dirt. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. The responsibility of what? The family biz? But, now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it. Again, this is vague. You're running with the baton metaphor. It's funny but I don't know what you mean literally .

To complicate matters, Meg suspects that her sexy friend Alex has been popping Viagra like candy. Why else would his normally innocuous flirtations turn hotter than a Tom Jones concert? This isn't tied in very well, it just seems to come out of nowhere.

Meg must now decide who the greater danger is, the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod. This isn't much of a conflict. Somehow I don't think a killer bod is that much a danger. And deciding what the danger is isn't as important as resolving the conflict (sorry to be nitpicky about word choice).

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word work of Chick Lit, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
I've read Meg Cabot's "Size 12 is Not Fat" chick lit/mystery books, so I think I know what you're aiming for, but there is an overall lack of focus in your query. It sounds like your book could be a fun, kooky murder mystery but right now the query is just plain confusing. You hint at a lot of things, but we'd rather just know the details. And how a thong plays into the whole thing :) Good luck!

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Re: Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by HillaryJ » May 18th, 2010, 7:01 pm

Chris48 wrote:
As a massage therapist, Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? *Necessary? This, and more menacing incidents, leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm.*

Deciding to take matters into her own hands, Meg launches an investigation. Is the attempt on her lift related to her helping her friend Adrianna return her stolen embryos? Is it connected to the mysterious, bald electrician who was spotted at the scene of the crime? Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing chiropractor is to blame?

Her overprotective parents think she should leave the investigation to the police and focus on making her fiance, Glen, happy. But, while dependable and steady, Glen doesn't understand Meg and she's finally figured out what he's as boring as. Dirt.

True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life. Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and is regrettably, as boring as dirt. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But, now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it. *I like the voice in here and it's cute/clever, but it's a lot of words which say very little about what happens or how your MC is going to develop.*

To complicate matters, her sexy friend Alex's normally innocuous flirtations are coming across hotter than a Tom Jones concert? *How old is Meg? Tom Jones is 70, so either she considers elderly entertainers hot or this is a dated reference. Is Alex helping her with the investigation, forcing them to spend time together? That might add some tension and relevance to this part.*

Meg must now decide who the greater danger is, the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod.

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word work of Chick Lit, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
Good work on the voice. This is entertaining, but the query can be tightened up a bit. The part about the fiance/parents is too wordy for how much relevant information it conveys, distracts from the plot and makes the Alex component feel like a throw in.

Referencing three best-selling authors might be too much. I haven't read Cabot, but Evanovich is plenty funny, so why not just stick to the two authors in your genre? You might consider saying that MOWAT will appeal to fans of MC and JE, or you hope it will appeal to fans of MC and JE.

Good luck.
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Re: Second redo for Meg O'Brien Wears A Thong

Post by myangelie04 » May 21st, 2010, 4:18 pm

Chris48 wrote:This is my second time to post my query for feedback. This one is much better than my last, but must need polishing since I have not had any takers from my submissions. I'm looking for kind, constructive critisism - Thanks -Chris48

As a Massage Therapist, Meg O’Brien is in the business of making people feel good. So why did someone rig her staircase, hoping she would plunge to her death? What does this have to do with massage therapy?This, and more menacing incidents, leaves Meg as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm.This sounds awkward to me. Consider something like "As menacing incidents begin to befall her, Meg is left as nervous as a bagpiper in a windstorm."

Meg wonders if it has something to do with helping her friend, Adrianna, return her stolen embryos? Perhaps that could use just a little expansion. Is there a connection with the mysterious bald electrician who has been spotted at the scene of the crimes?Is it one scene with multiple crimes, or are there different crime scenes? And which scenes was he at, the embryo theft, or the incidents that Meg has been facing? Or maybe it has nothing to do with her latest good deed. Perhaps the lovesick, toupee-wearing Chiropractor is to blame? Where did this guy come from?

True to form for Meg, this is not the only turmoil in her life.Awkward sentence. I'd suggest "As if this wasn't enough trouble, Meg is dealing with turmoil in other areas of her life as well." Lately, she has been questioning if her fiancé, Glen, is the right man for her. Sure, he might be dependable and steady, but he doesn’t understand Meg, and is, regrettably, as boring as dirt. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But, now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to beat Glen over the head with it.

To complicate matters, Meg suspects that her sexy friend Alex has been popping Viagra like candy. Why else would his normally innocuous flirtations turn hotter than a Tom Jones concert?

Meg must now decide who the greater danger is, the mystery man who is trying to kill her, or Alex with the killer bod. What about her fiance?

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word work of Chick Lit, similar to novels by Meg Cabot and Janet Evanovich, with a sprinkling of Dave Barry.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
When I first saw the title, I was expecting something along the lines of Bridget Jones's Diary, so it was somewhat of a surprise to see that there was a mysterious twist to this story. But the three paragraphs don't seem to connect at all. You need to find the common thread that ties it all together.

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