Query Revision: Euphonious Brine

[JadePhoenix]

You mentioned in a few posts that you weren't sure how to cut the query any shorter without losing important information. I noticed a few areas where you might be able to so I thought I'd point them out and then you can do whatever you want with them. If you do pare it down, depending on how much, you could potentially add back in a few of the details you'd had to cut out to get it to this length.

Dear Agent,

Thirteen-year-old Griffin Tutela doesn’t believe the stories his Grandma tells him about the forest behind her house. He rolls his eyes when she says his family can communicate with the ancient trees and spirits within the sacred forest. When he asks for proof, Grandma says he’s not ready, the forest is too dangerous, and she will not take him past a certain point that she calls the gateway - the entrance his lineage protects. Here, for example, you can condense this paragraph down to something along the lines of, "Griffin Tutela, 13, never believed his Grandomther when she said their family could communicate with the trees and spirits in the forest behind their home". See, something along those lines, cuts out an entire sentence and tightens the paragraph.

But when a beautiful woman appears to him, claiming to be a magical spirit, Griffin wonders if Grandma’s tales are true. Batting her eyelashes and speaking candied words, she asks permission to enter the forest. Griffin cannot resist when she offers him a blade that can slice though anything. As he lets her pass, she brings her master, Dolosus, the fallen God of the Underworld, who seeks a prize hidden within the forest. The sky turns black, the vibrant colors of the wood fade, and Griffin knows he made a mistake. Another example, "When a beautiful spirit appears, offering a magical blade in return for entry to the forest, Griffin begins to wonder if the tales hold more truth than he first thought. Speaking coyly the woman convinces Griffin to open the gate but, as soon as he does, her master Dolosus, God of the Underworld, rushes past darkening the sky and leeching the very color from the earth".

Intending to destroy Dolosus with his new weapon, Griffin enters the forest, but finds he cannot use the blade against the fallen God who made it. On top of that, the inhabitants of the forest are furious with Griffin for letting Dolosus in and desire to kill him. To save his own skin, his family, and the forest, Griffin must find the High Guardian of the wood, Euphonious Brine - the very prize Dolosus is after.This could be condensed again, if you want, to something like "Facing the fury of the forest inhabitants, Griffin must find the HIgh Guardian of the wood, before Dolosus does".

EUPHONIOUS BRINE is 110,000 word YA fantasy that I have chosen to submit to you because you represent my genre (personalized blurb about agent). I am published in A Collection of Oregon’s Young Poets, have written scripts for television commercials, and belong to the Authors of the Flathead in Montana.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Those are just a couple of examples of a couple different areas and ways to condense it and pare the query down. There are also any number of ways to work each one, or other areas, so that you can get/keep the tone or feel that you want. I read through your posts and you really did do an awesome job of improving the query in a very short time. I hope this helps and good luck with your querying! :)

[lunerunit]

I appreciate your suggestions, JadePhoenix. I tried them out and felt that the voice may have been compromised a bit in the beginning, as well as some key info left out in the second paragragh. I mixed it up anyways with your ideas just to see how it came out. Not bad

Dear Agent,

Thirteen-year-old Griffin Tutela doesn’t believe his Grandmother when she says his family can communicate with the ancient trees and spirits in the forest behind her house. When he asks for proof, Grandma says he’s not ready, the forest is too dangerous, and she will not take him past a point she calls the gateway - the entrance his lineage protects.

When a beautiful spirit appears to him, offering a magical blade in exchange for entry to the forest, Griffin wonders if Grandma’s tales are true. Batting her eyelashes and speaking candied words, the spirit convinces Griffin to let her pass. But she brings her master, Dolosus, the fallen God of the Underworld, and as the sky darkens, the vibrant colors of the wood fade, Griffin knows he made a mistake.

Intending to destroy Dolosus with his new weapon, Griffin enters the forest, but finds he cannot use the blade against the fallen God who made it. On top of that, the inhabitants of the forest are furious with Griffin for letting Dolosus in and desire to kill him. To save his own skin, his family, and the forest, Griffin must find the High Guardian of the wood, Euphonious Brine - the very prize Dolosus is after.

EUPHONIOUS BRINE is an 87,000 word young adult fantasy that I have chosen to submit to you because you represent my genre (personalized blurb about agent). I am published in A Collection of Oregon’s Young Poets, have written scripts for television commercials, and belong to the Authors of the Flathead in Montana.


*Note that the word count is officially down to 87,000! I can't believe how much better the story is now.

[Quill]

Well done!

And glad you are happy with the changes in manuscript that bring it into that more marketable range!

[JadePhoenix]

Yeah, those were just examples so you could see what I was talking about and then could do your own thing. We're different people so naturally we'd have different voices and styles and something I would say wouldn't work as well in a query written by you, and vice versa. I'm just a really visual person, I learn best by seeing and when I try to explain things to other people I tend to go the route of, "well, let me show you what I mean!" I'm glad they gave you some ideas though and good job on the new revision! :)

[Quill]

I am published in A Collection of Oregon’s Young Poets, have written scripts for television commercials, and belong to the Authors of the Flathead in Montana.

By the way, I was just reading over at Query Shark (#158) that, in effect, of your list of credits, "None of this is a publication credential for novels." Something to consider.

[lachrymal]

On the other hand, I recently met with an agent at a conference (who works at the same agency as Janet Reid, AKA Query Shark) --she took one look at my query, which said nothing about me because I don't have any "publication credentials", and said: "I know nothing about you. You have to say something about yourself." I mentioned the QS's constant criticism of irrelevant credentials (and relevant to my case, her hatred of any mention of academic/scientific writing credentials), and this agent said it's really a matter of personal taste, and many agents would like to hear something about a writer, even if it's not a fabulous publication history--as long as you don't go overboard or sound snotty or entitled. Something else to consider!

[Quill]

True, true. I don't think it's a blanket rule type of thing. It needs to be a personal decision, whatever one is comfortable with and hopefully specific to the agent receiving. When I query I plan to highlight my passion for and knowledge of my subject matter, because I think I can say that well, rather than describe my previous writing efforts.