TRINITY, a novel (#4, revised)

[FK7]

Thanks Jade, that clears it up a lot :)

[JadePhoenix]

You're welcome!

I was thinking, what if you started the query with the Mayans and then threaded it through your query? It's your query of course so you can do whatever you want but you could perhaps start with something like,

"The Mayan Civilization fell from power centuries ago and has long been lost in the sands of time. Only a few scattered remnants are left of this once proud people, or so the world thought. (that's not a fantastic sentence but it gives you the idea at least).
Gabriel Clarkson is a medical researcher consumed with the need to find a cure for the cancer that took his younger brother...etc., etc."

Then you could tie in Emilie Jensen (I'm assuming she's Mayan?), how the research impacts them and so forth.

Totally up to you of course but since you said the Mayans are an integral part of your story it might be a good idea to start the query with them. Hope it helps! :)

[FK7]

I think I wanted to stubbornly stay attached to the original form of the query because I'd worked so hard on it, but I realized I worked hard on the same variation, just with a slightly different flavor.

I'll get back to brainstorming and post a new one when I feel ready :)

Thanks!

[FK7]

I must say I went to bed upset and frustrated yesterday. This morning I woke up refreshed and determined, and reread all of your criticism. Eight cappuccinos later (1% milk... :D) I have a query that is, in my opinion, infinitely better then the original. I hope you'll agree, but as usual, don't be afraid to be brutal if you must. You've challenged me to better myself, and I'm confident had I not posted my query here, I wouldn't have done it.

One thing:
Specifying ANCIENT Maya is absolutely necessary. The Maya are not an extinct people, some 7-8 million of them still live today. However, they were assimilated by the Spanish 600 years after their mysterious collapse, and lost all ties with the Maya who built the cities we still study today. Because only four Mayan books out of thousands survived the test of time, the modern Maya aren't able to explain anymore than the scientists what happened for over 35 million Maya to disappear in 900 A.D. The distinction between ancient Maya, those who built the cities, and modern Maya, becomes necessary. It is often made in the scientific literature.

Since his mother is an archeologist, I used her in the query to make the link, so it doesn't seem like the Maya appeared out of nowhere. I also abandoned the 2 paragraphs structure I was trying to desperately holding on to... after rereading plenty of queries on QueryShark and MissSnark, I realized many people ddin't adhere to it, and had good queries nevertheless.

I am a trailer music addict... HUGE addict... if you listen to this while reading the query, it's another experience ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igqW_0c6GDQ

Query #3 - Revised
Gabriel Clarkson's mother dedicated her existence to studying life extinguished, and the vestiges left behind by the great ancient Maya. As he followed her through the forests and temples of Guatemala as a child, he realized his passion laid in preserving life. When leukemia takes his little brother away from him twenty years later, he becomes one with his obsession: to prevent this from happening again.

Five years of research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but at a price too high. Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée in his plundered lab, he realizes the rationality he sought through science all his life, the science he knew and worshiped, could never have prepared him for the truth. When his new colleague reveals her true identity, everything he knows is shattered: the civilization humanity thought to be extinct for 1,200 years still lives.

The ancient Maya survived the sands of time.

After a cataclysm of unknown origin wiped out their race, the few survivors set off to rebuild their society in secret. Fear of a past they don't understand has splintered the great civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will find himself in the middle of a conflict his research might forever change. One side offers him shelter and protection, the other will stop at nothing to find the answers they've sought for over a millennium. The fate of two people now resting upon him, he'll be forced to push through his limits, for his sake and those he loves.

Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where Fringe clashes with Indiana Jones.

Once again, I humbly thank you for your time and effort in helping me. I truly appreciate it!

[Bananza]

I've been lurking around here for many, many weeks, so time for a first post!

I'm a professor of anthropology at the University of Toronto, and you're correct that the Maya still live. Depending of the textbook you use though, the distinction between ancient and modern Maya is not always made. Michael D. Coe makes it, as well as Sharer Traxler in his amazing THE ANCIENT MAYA (6th edition) textbook from Standford University Press. Bruce G. Trigger in UNDERSTANDING EARLY CIVILIZATIONS only says "Maya" or "modern Maya" when making the distinction. Opinions differ in the matter, but you are not incorrect at all!

In my opinion, I think your new query is stellar. I liked the original too, but I find it interesting that his research in a field not tied to anthropology could save a civilization his own mother studied all her life! Talk about providence! I like the "The ancient Maya survived." line on its own like that, it adds a punch.

I'm not too sure what you mean by "The fate of two people"... do you mean humanity (leukemia cure) and the ancient Maya (whatever the research could do for them?)? I assume you'll be revealing them to be advanced humans of some sort? It'd make the query that much stronger if you clarified this in the query itself.

Good luck with your project!

John.

[rainbowsheeps]

Query #3 - Revised
Gabriel Clarkson's mother dedicated her existence to studying life extinguished, and the vestiges left behind by the great ancient Maya. (When you say "life extinguished," one might think you mean all extinct life, including animals. It personally made me think of all ancient civilizations. It makes the transition to the specifics about the Maya a little awkward.) As he followed her through the forests and temples of Guatemala as a child, he realized his passion laid in preserving life. (Passion usually "lies" according to the common saying. This is past tense, though, so "lay" might be more appropriate. Regardless, you could say "he realized his passion [of] preserving life." Or, "his passion was to preserve life.") When leukemia takes his little brother away from him twenty years later (That part isn't necessary, but I don't know if it should be stripped out or not), he becomes one with his obsession: prevent this from ever happening again. (What exactly does it mean that he "becomes one with his obsession"? If you want to say the death of his brother turns his passion for protecting life into an obsession to prevent this happening again, you should say that.)

Five years of research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but at a price too high. Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée in his plundered lab, he realizes the rationality he sought through science all his life, the science he knew and worshiped, could never have prepared him for the truth. When his new colleague reveals her true identity, everything he knows is shattered: the civilization humanity thought to be extinct for 1,200 years still lives. (This is still vague. The researcher with him is Mayan, I think. So... what? What does his cancer research have to do with the Maya? Who destroyed his lab and killed his fiancee? And is the only thought that comes to mind upon his dead girlfriend and ruined work that his science was wrong and holy cow, my researcher is a Mayan! If he's so worried about preserving life, why isn't he traumatized by the death of his girl and the fact someone's trying to stop him from curing cancer, the thing that killed his brother in the first place? What does all this boil down to? You need to elucidate the link between the research and the Mayans. Is he using some sort of ancient Mayan plant that they don't want him using or something?)

The ancient Maya survived.

After a cataclysm of unknown origin wiped out their race, the few survivors set off to rebuild their society in secret. Fear of a past they don't understand has splintered the great civilization into two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will find himself in the middle of a conflict his research might forever change. (Again. HOW might his research forever change this? You have to hint at it, at least. Otherwise, it's frustrating, not compelling.) One side offers him shelter and protection, the other will stop at nothing to find the answers they've sought for over a millennium. The fate of two people now resting upon him, (what two people's fate rests upon him? And in what way are they relying on him? Too vague, again.) he'll be forced to challenge himself (in what ways...), for his sake and those he loves. (It sounded like those he loved are dead.)

Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where Fringe clashes with Indiana Jones.[/size]

Once again, I humbly thank you for your time and effort in helping me. I truly appreciate it![/quote]

The problem here is vagueness. You don't need a full synopsis of the story, but you wasted a lot of space with generalities that don't actually tell us anything. The new intro with the mother is a different take that tells us about his interest in the Mayans, and it doesn't seem quite as jarring when the Mayans pop up in the middle of the query now. However, we need to know what his research has to do with the Mayans at all.

[FK7]

Doesn't plunder mean "to take by force or wrongfully"? So a plundered lab would mean someone WANTS his research for themselves, not destroy it? Or did I misinterpret what a word means again?

I tried hinting at how the research would change the fate of a conflict, but it took too long. His research involves a virus he's trying to make, to be used in a process of blood synthesis. That same virus he's trying to build might be identical to one that lives in the Maya's blood, and they think completing the research might reveal things about their past, and explain what kind of cataclysm would have wiped out only them, and left the rest of humanity to live.

However, if I say this, then the question begs: "if they already have the virus in them, why not study that?". Because they can't, since as soon as the virus is extracted from the host, it dies within seconds, even in cryofreeze, which is not uncommon even in our science today. Building a virus from scratch is a complex thing, and understanding its architecture might be the key of it all, or so they think.

How can I include this in a query and keep it under 450 words? It's almost impossible... I'd rather the person think "How the well does cancer research could help an ancient civilization?" and find out in the book... why is it frustrating not to know right away?

Genetics is complex enough as it is, I feel dumbing it down to one sentence will make it sound deprived of all sense or logic.

Do you have an idea on how I could hint at that without having a "DUH" moment (as in: DUH, why not study their own virus then? How stupid and illogic").

[rainbowsheeps]

Doesn't plunder mean "to take by force or wrongfully"? So a plundered lab would mean someone WANTS his research for themselves, not destroy it? Or did I misinterpret what a word means again?

The word is used correctly. I suppose I should have said his work was stolen instead, then. My mistake, but I got the impression, especially from the first query, that the lab was ruined and his work was ruined.

I tried hinting at how the research would change the fate of a conflict, but it took too long. His research involves a virus he's trying to make, to be used in a process of blood synthesis. That same virus he's trying to build might be identical to one that lives in the Maya's blood, and they think completing the research might reveal things about their past, and explain what kind of cataclysm would have wiped out only them, and left the rest of humanity to live.

However, if I say this, then the question begs: "if they already have the virus in them, why not study that?". Because they can't, since as soon as the virus is extracted from the host, it dies within seconds, even in cryofreeze, which is not uncommon even in our science today. Building a virus from scratch is a complex thing, and understanding its architecture might be the key of it all, or so they think.

How can I include this in a query and keep it under 450 words? It's almost impossible... I'd rather the person think "How the well does cancer research could help an ancient civilization?" and find out in the book... why is it frustrating not to know right away?

Genetics is complex enough as it is, I feel dumbing it down to one sentence will make it sound deprived of all sense or logic.

Do you have an idea on how I could hint at that without having a "DUH" moment (as in: DUH, why not study their own virus then? How stupid and illogic").

It sounds like you're thinking ahead a little too much. The picture I get from this is that his lab is ruined, his work stolen, his fiancee killed. But he gets swept up in a (right now) very confusing war between the Mayans and his research somehow connects with it. It's frustrating because omitting any connection, without even hinting that you connect them in the story, seems illogical. Omission, here, breeds confusion.

The problem is complicated, sure. But it seems something like this:

A researcher trying to find the cure for cancer thinks he found the cure for cancer in/similar to Mayan blood. Mayans, at least some of them, then steal his research, destroy his lab, and kill his fiancee because they believe his research on their virus can tell them what caused their wipeout in the first place. Is that right?

This is a very rough example of what a connection might look like:

Gabriel Clarkson is trying to find the cure for cancer. After five years of research, he reaches a breakthrough: he discovers the cure might actually be a virus. Just after his findings are announced, though, his lab is ruined, his work stolen. He stumbles upon the body of his murdered fiancee, and [ ...] The Mayans believe the same virus Gabriel was researching could explain their near extinction centuries earlier.

Something like this doesn't explain every detail. However, it does show us a link exists between the research and the Mayans' attack. My example doesn't have the requisite voice, flow, or details that yours should, but maybe it will give you some idea that you don't need to explain all of the intricate details of the research.

[FK7]

A researcher trying to find the cure for cancer thinks he found the cure for cancer in/similar to Mayan blood. Mayans, at least some of them, then steal his research, destroy his lab, and kill his fiancee because they believe his research on their virus can tell them what caused their wipeout in the first place. Is that right?

That's it exactly.

However I think I'll remove the fiancée part. Her murder in the book is circumstantial... she reappears after a few years of absence out of the blue, they meet shortly, then set up dinner for a month later for catchup... and the day before the date, he receives a text message saying "I really need to see you. Now." She sets up a meet at his lab at the university, he shows up, she's dead.

It adds intrigue in the novel, but I think as far as the query is concerned, we could do without and the mystery, which is the center of the plot, would be left untouched.

[FK7]

Query #4 - Revised
Gabriel Clarkson's mother dedicated her existence to studying life extinguished, and the vestiges left behind by the great ancient Maya. As he followed her through the forests and temples of Guatemala as a child, he realized his passion lay in preserving life. When leukemia takes his little brother away from him twenty years later, his passion is turned into an obsession to prevent this from ever happening again.

Five years of research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but at a price too high. Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée his plundered lab, he realizes the rationality he sought through science all his life, the science he knew and worshiped, could never have prepared him for the truth. When his new colleague reveals her true identity, everything he knows is shattered: the civilization humanity thought to be extinct for 1,200 years still lives.

The ancient Maya survived the sands of time.

After a cataclysm of unknown origin wiped out their race, the few survivors set off to rebuild their society in secret. Fear of a past they don't understand has splintered the great civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will find himself in the middle of a conflict his virus might forever change. One side offers him shelter and protection, the other will stop at nothing to find the answers they've sought for over a millennium. They believe the virus he's created might elucidate their near extinction, but in the wrong hands, it could forge a dark future. With the fate of two people now resting upon him, he'll be forced to push through his limits, for his sake and those he loves. (is it so hard to believe he might have other friends and family other than his brother?)

Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where Fringe clashes with Indiana Jones.

What do you think of that? It's a bit more clichéd (the dark future stuff...) but it does hint at why the virus might be worth killing for?

Lay, it would seem, is the better solution as you suggested: http://www.chompchomp.com/rules/irregularrules02.htm

[lachrymal]

Gabriel Clarkson's mother dedicated her existence to studying life extinguished, [you don't need that comma because what comes after is a dependent phrase.] and the vestiges left behind ["vestiges" are, by definition, left behind. Therefore, you're kind of saying it twice here--and an agent will probably pick up on that. What's wrong with saying "...life extinguished and the vestiges of ancient Mayan civilization"? If you want to have an elegant query, every word counts.]by the great ancient Maya. As he followed her through the forests and temples of Guatemala as a child, he realized his passion lay in preserving life. When leukemia takes his little brother away from him twenty years later, his passion is turned [I would say "his passion turns into", which is active voice, as opposed to your current construction, which is in passive voice] into an obsession to prevent this from ever happening again.

Five years of research in his Vermont lab leads to a breakthrough, but at a price too high. Upon stumbling on the body of his ex-fiancée his plundered lab, he realizes the rationality he sought through science all his life, the science he knew and worshiped, could never have prepared him for the truth. When his new colleague reveals her true identity, everything he knows is shattered: the civilization humanity thought to be extinct for 1,200 years still lives.

The ancient Maya survived the sands of time. [I think this sentence is nice, however, again, it's pretty much saying exactly the same thing as you said in the previous sentence. Again--saying things twice. Why can't you say "...everything he knows is shattered: the ancient Maya survived the sands of time"? Or combine the two sentences somehow?]
After a cataclysm of unknown origin wiped out their race, the few survivors set off to rebuild their society in secret. Fear of a past they don't understand has splintered the great civilization in two fundamentally opposed clans, and Gabriel will find [why do you switch to future tense here? Why not stay in present tense throughout the query? If for no other reason, it takes fewer words to write in present tense] himself in the middle of a conflict his virus [wait--I've read all the threads so I know what you're talking about, but is this the first time you mention the virus? It almost sounds like it's a virus he's got, rather than something he discovers. This is pretty jarring. Can you mention the virus earlier?] might forever change. One side offers him shelter and protection, [you need a semicolon here or a conjunction after the comma, or else you've got yourself a comma splice]the other will stop at nothing to find the answers they've sought for over a millennium. They believe the virus he's created might elucidate their near extinction, but in the wrong hands, it could forge a dark future. With the fate of two people [this sounds like the lives of only two people are at stake. I know exactly what you mean, but read it a few times and see if you don't get what I'm talking about] now resting upon him, he'll be forced to push through his limits, [again, you don't need the comma here. I also agree with previous comments that this is a little cliched--"push through his limits" , fate is "resting upon him"] for his sake and those he loves. (is it so hard to believe he might have other friends and family other than his brother? No, not at all, but if you say something more specific here, it might be more compelling.)

Complete at 94,000 words, TRINITY is a science fiction novel where Fringe clashes with [is "clashes with" really the image you want to invoke? Not "melds with" or something that indicates there's some sort of harmony rather than a fundamental mismatch?] Indiana Jones [is it really science fiction? I'm not an expert, but it sounds more like a medical thriller].

Overall, this is fantastically improved from your original! I know it's frustrating to get blunt feedback on something you've slaved over for so long. We all feel it, and we're all going through it. Kudos to you for keeping up your efforts--it's REALLY showing, and it will pay off for you.

[FK7]

Thanks again for your constructive criticism lachrymal :)