Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. In another part of the city, Ash wakes up in an alley with the same condition. Neither knows the other exists and the only things they have are a powerful instinct to protect and psychic abilities.
I'm surprised you didn't take the opportunity to shorten the final sentence of this paragraph to "Neither knows the other exists. The only things they have are..." I think I agree with Geegee about making the "neither knows" sentence last to increase the impact.
Remy can perceive the history of objects. Despite the headaches, and the need to unravel his own mystery, he uses this gift to feed his compulsion to help people he encounters. Like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship, a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy, and a spunky female rookie cop. But every time he gets a little closer to finding help, two black-suited agents chase him away, and he has to start over.
Yeah, sorry, that sentence fragment is a problem. The other issue I have with this paragraph is that you say he's helping others, and then start that final sentence with "but every time he gets closer to finding help", as if that's what he's trying to do all along (rather than trying to help others). I could understand if that were the case, except the sentence you start with "despite" implies he's helping others instead
of trying to unravel his own mystery. Does that make any sense at all?
Could you just say something like "Despite the headaches, he uses this gift to help a demure farm girl, [continue that list]. He's also desperate to unravel his own mystery. Every time he gets close, two agents..."
About your agent problem--I guess, if you're writing this query consistently in their POV, Remy doesn't know they're agents of some corporate empire, right? "Black-suited agents" isn't a terrible literary crime. It sounds a little Matrix-y, but there are no new ideas under the sun, right? I just think that you're trying to be so careful with your words and sentences here, and you don't want to waste a single opportunity to convey how your story/query is spectacularly different and more interesting than every other query that lands in the agent's inbox that day. So "black-suited agents" isn't a killer, but it's not a winner either. If there's any way to somehow convey what makes them so kick-assedly special that the agent will be leaning forward, thinking "I've got to read this one," then that's what you should go for. Do they use special weapons (apart from the psychic monster)? Do they employ unusual methods? Does Remy have any hint of what they want? What about them makes him run instead of walking up to them and asking them to help him? Do they only show up at specific times or in certain situations, or are they shadowing him constantly? Are they attacking or just watching? Or are they guarding something and just chasing him away whenever he approaches?
Ash goes to a free clinic for help, but the bureaucracy strips him of his patience, and he discovers he can set things on fire with his mind. This doesn't stop him from being mugged, which gives him a thirst for justice (and a little money wouldn't be bad either). He joins the White Knights, a neighborhood crime patrol group. But their do-nothing policies motivate Ash to use his powers for his own crime-stopping methods.
I wish I could set things on fire with my mind every time I have to go to the DMV. Here again, I agree with Geegee. Saying "the bueaucracy strips him of his patience" is telling rather than showing. Your sentence that starts with "this doesn't..." kind of threw me off, only because it almost sounds like his discovery
is what doesn't stop him from being mugged, rather than his ability
. Therefore, that sentence doesn't have as much impact as it could. I also struggle with your parenthetical statement. Something about the way that "thirst for justice (and a little money..." sentence reads makes me long for parallel structure.
Despite their parallel journeys, these two blank slates change dramatically as they strike out on their own. When fate leads them back to each other, they discover the greatest threat to humanity--themselves.
I still think the first sentence of this paragraph is a lost opportunity. I also think you might not want to start two sentences in your query with "Despite". But anyway, that sentence is strange, because why would you expect the journeys to do anything other than change them? I think it might make more sense if it was something like "These two blank slates strike out on their own. Their parallel journeys lead them back to each other, and the discovery of the greatest threat to humanity: themselves." Or however you want to word that final statement.
Best of luck.