Black Hole Son (New Approach)

[theWallflower]

Time for more turnabout. Here's a different version of my query. In the critique, please compare it to my earlier query (viewtopic.php?f=12&t=1014) and see if there's one you like better.

Remy and Ash are identical brothers, but they don't know it. They both wake up in separate parts of the city with total identity amnesia.

And psychic powers.

Remy can perceive the history of objects, like old guitars and hotel keycards. But he feels obligated to help people, like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship. Like a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy. Like a spunky female rookie cop who's trying to help him. But two black-suited agents keep pursuing him, driving from finding who he is.

Ash goes to a free clinic for help. But the bureaucracy strips him of his patience, and he discovers that he can set things on fire with his mind. This doesn't stop him from getting mugged and getting a thirst for justice. A little money wouldn't be bad either. He joins the White Knights, a neighborhood crime patrol group. But their do-nothing policies motivate Ash to use his powers for his own crime-stopping methods.

More events shape these two blank slates as they try and find out who they are, the reasion for their powers, and why they have these instincts to protect and defend people. They find out when their parallel journeys lead them back to each other, and they discover the greatest threat to humanity--themselves.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

[JTB]

tricky this one - i see your dilemma, I quite like how the first one opens - there's too much info, but i like the story of two separate characters ...


1. Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. In another part of the city, Ash wakes up in an alley with no memory and no identity. Both have a powerful instinct to protect and neither knows the other exists.

[para 2 = main story]

3. As they strike out on their own, their parallel journeys collide and they discover, that for all their good work, the real threat to humanity - is themselves.

Something like that. I'd like to know what style it's written in and genre too.

[Mary-Catharine]

Very interesting (strokes imaginary goatee). What caught me was the end. Even though Remy and Ash want to fight crime, inevitablly they are a threat to humanity. With fantasy, it is hard making your work really stand out from all the others. What is a downfall for good fantays ideas, are generic characters. Even though they are twins, make sure they are individuals and are relatable.

[lachrymal]

Remy and Ash are identical brothers, but they don't know it. They both wake up in separate parts of the city with total identity amnesia.

I suggest "identical twins". I know you're trying to establish they're male because the names are somewhat gender ambiguous, but "identical brothers" sounds weird. And you use gender-specific pronouns below, so that ought to do the trick.
Do you need the word "both"?
Same thing with "identity". If amnesia is total, that would probably encompass identity. Unless you're trying to somehow indicate they have memories of certain events?

And psychic powers.

I know you're going for a big impact here, but "psychic powers" sounds generic. I don't know exactly what would be better, but even "kick-ass, freaky powers" sounds better to me.

Remy can perceive the history of objects, like old guitars and hotel keycards. But he feels obligated to help people, like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship. Like a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy. Like a spunky female rookie cop who's trying to help him. But two black-suited agents keep pursuing him, driving from finding who he is.

You make it sound like perceiving the history of objects and trying to help people are somehow antithetical. Is that really what you mean?
What exactly does "driving from finding who he is" mean? Are you missing a word here? And even if you add "him", I still don't know how their pursuit of him would "drive him from" finding out who he is.
Most stereotypical "agents" have black suits. Is there anything remotely unique or unusual about them that you could use here instead? Otherwise, it sounds generic and adds little.

Ash goes to a free clinic for help. But the bureaucracy strips him of his patience, and he discovers that he can set things on fire with his mind. This doesn't stop him from getting mugged and getting a thirst for justice. A little money wouldn't be bad either. He joins the White Knights, a neighborhood crime patrol group. But their do-nothing policies motivate Ash to use his powers for his own crime-stopping methods.

I think you might not need the "that" between "discovers" and "he".
"Getting mugged and getting a thirst." Can he get mugged and develop a thirst? Or can you rewrite so we don't get two "getting"s?
I know of your fondness for short sentences, but here it seems a little tortured. For example, you begin 4 of the sentences in these two brief paragraphs with the word "but", two in each paragraph. I have nothing against sentences that begin with conjunctions in creative writing, but here, you need to switch it up a bit. I also know you're trying to break things up by using those sentence fragments beginning with "like". But if you just use a simple series delineated by commas, you could eliminate a few words from this query. I don't think an agent's going to scream "Argh! My brain has exploded because of that long sentence!" My guess is a decent number of them are on the right side of the bell curve and can handle it. Did you read Nathan's post about repetition? It's difficult to do well, and often unnecessary.

More events shape these two blank slates as they try and find out who they are, the reasion for their powers, and why they have these instincts to protect and defend people. They find out when their parallel journeys lead them back to each other, and they discover the greatest threat to humanity--themselves.

You have such a fantastic ending hook here, but I think its impact is actually diluted from your previous query. This final paragraph is far more generic and passive than it should be, and it doesn't do your story justice. "More events shape"? That's probably assumed, but also gives the agent no real important information. Start the para with "These two blank slates" and make it more active. How do they try? Are there any specifics here that could heighten the tension and impact?
Delete that "i" from "reason".
I think it should be "try to" rather than "try and".
I look forward to reading a revision.

[kenpochick]

Time for more turnabout. Here's a different version of my query. In the critique, please compare it to my earlier query (viewtopic.php?f=12&t=1014) and see if there's one you like better.

Remy and Ash are identical brothers, but they don't know it. They both wake up in separate parts of the city with total identity amnesia. I agree with JTB on the opening paragraph, go with his suggestion.
And psychic powers.

Remy can has the ability to perceive the history of objects.like old guitars and hotel keycards.,But he feels obligated to help people, like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship. Like a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy. Like a spunky female rookie cop who's trying to help him. But two black-suited agents keep pursuing him, driving from finding who he is. (This paragraph is awkward. How about: Although Remy has his own story to unravel he feels an overwhelming obligation to help the people he encounters like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship, a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy and the spunky female cop who's trying to help him. All the while, two black suited agent are pursuing him, preventing him from finding who he is.)

Ash goes to a free clinic for help. But the bureaucracy strips him of his patience, and he discovers that he can set things on fire with his mind. This doesn't stop him from getting mugged and getting a thirst for justice. A little money wouldn't be bad either. He joins the White Knights, a neighborhood crime patrol group. But their do-nothing policies motivate Ash to use his powers for his own crime-stopping methods. (You start two sentences with "but" here. Maybe combine or rephrase.)

More events shape these two blank slates as they try and find out who they are, the reasion reasonfor their powers, and why they have these instincts to protect and defend people. (this is awkward) They find out whenTheir parallel journeys lead them back to each other, and they discover the greatest threat to humanity--themselves.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

[jessicatudor]

I like this one better because it gives the two stories a cohesion from the beginning - the two characters are related. Otherwise, everything that lachrymal said holds! The agents need a stronger and less generic presence in the query.

[theWallflower]

Here is a link to the second draft for those who want to follow my progress: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1242&start=0