Nathan Bransford - The Forums

What does everyone think of this? I've cut out some of the chaff, per Quill's suggestions. Is it a little too vague now or just right? REVISION: Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again. Thea can hurt or heal with a ...

Great comments, Quill! As always. Thanks so much.

I like it. Nice job!

I think this is great! Nice work. Just a few comments. Dear Agent I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of interest to you. Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around. ...

This is my draft as it stands now: Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again. Thea can hurt or heal with a single touch. One touch causes nosebleeds, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken ...

Thanks, Ellie! Much appreciated.

I feel a flip-flop (pun intended) of characterization here. Shannon comes off as an altruist, but later in the query turns into a mope. My comments below: Shannon Wheaton has no running water or electricity, and that’s the easy part. Blazing with determination to become part of a community and impr...

I agree with EllieAnn. Query reads well besides that last sentence.

These are some good revisions. You're not spending too much wordage trying to explain everything, so kudos to you for that! Dear Mr. _________ I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest. I think &...

Dear___________________ Ephraim Wright has kept a secret for seventy years. Half of the secret gives him regret, the other half gives satisfaction The first two sentences don't grab me because they don't provide enough specific information. Considering that your query is too long already, I would cu...

Few can appreciate the depths of Ravenel’s love for the legendary knight who steals her heart—certainly not Kellek, the knight’s closest friend I agree that you should not start this with Ravenel, since she's not the MC . When Kellek discovers Ravenel in the midst of a bloody ritual with the knight,...

Quill, as always, manages to leave little for the rest of us to say with such brilliant comments, but my own are below nonetheless: Dear [agent] Skyla had always been warned not to read other people’s shadows. I just don't think past tense is ever a good idea in a query. I started my first versions...

I would take your old version to a field somewhere, bury it, and never look back - new version is much better! New version Dear Agent, Aaren Danielson’s life as a high school outcast sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when the couple who adopted him drop a bombshell. His biological parents ...

I like it. The voice definitely works for you. See what others think...

thanks whipslip! I shouldn't be home with a samuel adams in my hand, redoing queries on a saturday night haha. Funny you should say this - since I was also home on a Saturday night, with a Sam Adams, critiquing other people's queries! haha Dear Agent, Thirteen-year-old Aaren Danielson’s life begins...