Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi Tycoon, Okay, if you won’t stop, then neither will I. I tweak from the goodness of my heart, really. Okay, stop laughing. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains...

Hi Tycoon, Excellent question! The answer is yes to both in a funny way. DeAngelis was the first person to be watched by the Guardian Project before he joined the FBI. But I don't think I'll put that little nugget in the query since backstory is discouraged. So I need to clarify it is the people wh...

[quote="christi"]Thanks so much, Ghost! You were such a help. Now, here's the whole thing together with some new edits. How does this read? And I have no idea how to pluralize his name. Trapped in a time loop, many versions of Jakorus have tried to alter the outcome of events, but they onl...

I really like this query alot... only 1 thing confuses me and I hope to show you what I mean. This line... Jodie’s surveillance falls under the jurisdiction of DeAngelis’s Guardian Project— a FBI subdivision secretly monitoring people with the uncanny ability to prevent disasters. is confusing so le...

FUN FUN FUN, here is another version. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains a wound in battle which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Chris...

I think this has reached final draft at last! Isn't writing queries fun? Maybe if it's a best seller you'll never have to write another one. Or at least find an agent and never have to write another one That's my hope. I never want to go through this again. Good luck with your story! I made it a ra...

This is very good. Nice story and choice of words. I really like the message of " God has a purpose in everything He does ". I think that it's very neat. Just the first paragraph alone pulls you into the story, and you feel the emotions of the characters (Abigail eager to start a family, ...

TheShadow wrote:Looks good, don't think there is anything major to add to it.

Something minor: "Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize for being unfair to Abigail." Can cross out for being unfair and it would flow better. Just a thought.

Thanks and I did as you suggested!

After sleeping on it I went back through everyones comments from this board, along with another board. Trying to apply what I have learned for what works and what doesn't. Here is what I came up with. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a famil...

Yea-- I think your correct ghost.... I am playing around with what lots of people have suggested...seeing what works and what doesn't... The best way to learn is by trial and error.

Okay more edits made to tighten... thx for the comments everyone. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. But when he later sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fa...

Very well done. I have only a few small things to point out, otherwise I think its very good. I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version. So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!! Thank you a...

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz, Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s (all) his fault. The island of Cybraxas teeters at on the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centu...

I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version. So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!! Thank you all for your help, patience and wisdom! scroll further down for re-edit Dear Agent, Shortly aft...

Just wanted to agree with Ghost and Seadhlinn's critiques. As for your question about "is deployed," I think either way is fine. But keep playing with it. Try to get that "is" out of there. Maybe "gets deployed." Do whatever you would have done in the novel, since your...