Search found 106 matches

by Tycoon
February 8th, 2010, 5:13 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 5

Hi Tycoon, Okay, if you won’t stop, then neither will I. I tweak from the goodness of my heart, really. Okay, stop laughing. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains...
by Tycoon
February 8th, 2010, 5:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4148

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try

Hi Tycoon, Excellent question! The answer is yes to both in a funny way. DeAngelis was the first person to be watched by the Guardian Project before he joined the FBI. But I don't think I'll put that little nugget in the query since backstory is discouraged. So I need to clarify it is the people wh...
by Tycoon
February 8th, 2010, 4:13 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
Replies: 57
Views: 7672

Re: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over

[quote="christi"]Thanks so much, Ghost! You were such a help. Now, here's the whole thing together with some new edits. How does this read? And I have no idea how to pluralize his name. Trapped in a time loop, many versions of Jakorus have tried to alter the outcome of events, but they only make thi...
by Tycoon
February 8th, 2010, 3:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4148

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try

I really like this query alot... only 1 thing confuses me and I hope to show you what I mean. This line... Jodie’s surveillance falls under the jurisdiction of DeAngelis’s Guardian Project— a FBI subdivision secretly monitoring people with the uncanny ability to prevent disasters. is confusing so le...
by Tycoon
February 8th, 2010, 2:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 5

FUN FUN FUN, here is another version. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. While on duty, Christian sustains a wound in battle which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Chris...
by Tycoon
February 7th, 2010, 9:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4

I think this has reached final draft at last! Isn't writing queries fun? Maybe if it's a best seller you'll never have to write another one. Or at least find an agent and never have to write another one That's my hope. I never want to go through this again. Good luck with your story! I made it a ra...
by Tycoon
February 7th, 2010, 8:34 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4

This is very good. Nice story and choice of words. I really like the message of " God has a purpose in everything He does ". I think that it's very neat. Just the first paragraph alone pulls you into the story, and you feel the emotions of the characters (Abigail eager to start a family, a husband ...
by Tycoon
February 7th, 2010, 8:31 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4

TheShadow wrote:Looks good, don't think there is anything major to add to it.

Something minor: "Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize for being unfair to Abigail." Can cross out for being unfair and it would flow better. Just a thought.
Thanks and I did as you suggested!
by Tycoon
February 6th, 2010, 3:35 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 4

After sleeping on it I went back through everyones comments from this board, along with another board. Trying to apply what I have learned for what works and what doesn't. Here is what I came up with. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a famil...
by Tycoon
February 5th, 2010, 9:31 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision now on page 4

Yea-- I think your correct ghost.... I am playing around with what lots of people have suggested...seeing what works and what doesn't... The best way to learn is by trial and error.
by Tycoon
February 5th, 2010, 7:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision(I pray) ON PAGE 3

Okay more edits made to tighten... thx for the comments everyone. Dear Agent, Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. But when he later sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fa...
by Tycoon
February 5th, 2010, 1:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Very well done. I have only a few small things to point out, otherwise I think its very good. I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version. So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!! Thank you a...
by Tycoon
February 5th, 2010, 11:27 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over
Replies: 57
Views: 7672

Re: Okay...I Think I'm Done

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz, Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s (all) his fault. The island of Cybraxas teeters at on the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centu...
by Tycoon
February 5th, 2010, 10:19 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version. So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!! Thank you all for your help, patience and wisdom! scroll further down for re-edit Dear Agent, Shortly aft...
by Tycoon
February 5th, 2010, 1:07 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6
Replies: 56
Views: 6785

Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Just wanted to agree with Ghost and Seadhlinn's critiques. As for your question about "is deployed," I think either way is fine. But keep playing with it. Try to get that "is" out of there. Maybe "gets deployed." Do whatever you would have done in the novel, since your query should reflect your ind...