Search found 15 matches

by Aurlumen
July 25th, 2011, 6:46 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Marked - New Adult Dystopian -- First Chapter
Replies: 3
Views: 1335

Re: Marked - New Adult Dystopian -- First Chapter

First, I'd like to say that you've got an interesting story going here. But that said, I do agree with the other posters. I never read Matched but I've read the summary and maybe the first few pages and this reminded me of that as well. So it makes me think that the Consilium is choosing these vitas...
by Aurlumen
June 7th, 2011, 1:05 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller
Replies: 5
Views: 1465

Re: First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller

I agree with everything AllieS said. Just a few other things. The stranger's face looked like a skull. "Go on Lysander," his father Maybe this is irrelevant, but the first time I read this I assumed you meant the stranger's father. Maybe you could add first that Lysander was looking at him or somet...
by Aurlumen
June 7th, 2011, 12:04 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: first pages of new book
Replies: 4
Views: 1329

Re: first pages of new book

Did you ever wonder what your life would be like when you grew up? I know I did. I thought I would have a big house ---Right here you lost me. You say did you ever wonder what your LIFE would be like then you start to describe a house and kids and food. I don't feel like you're describing a life but...
by Aurlumen
June 6th, 2011, 11:44 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page - Help Needed! YA
Replies: 7
Views: 1948

Re: First Page - Help Needed! YA

I agree with the other posters. At no point during the excerpt do I really believe that the MC is in danger. I understand that at the get-go we're not going to know things we need to know, especially in a prologue. But all I get is that the MC is scared of doors for some reason and that she is eithe...
by Aurlumen
June 6th, 2011, 10:34 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 5/24*
Replies: 8
Views: 2163

Re: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 5/24*

The beginning you put back there does help explain why the girls were moving stuff around so that's good. That being said, I still don't feel like Annie and their dad's reaction to the guy fit quite right. I would believe their animosity more if he had actually done or said something a-holey or some...
by Aurlumen
June 6th, 2011, 10:09 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 4118

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 5/24)

Lol. Yes this is much better! I like the adjectives and how everything's described. I feel like I can really picture what she's experiencing in my head! Good job!!
by Aurlumen
May 24th, 2011, 2:23 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 5/24*
Replies: 8
Views: 2163

Re: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 4/27*

“Man, I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow," Annie griped. Just like me, my little sister had started going steer-crazy ( stir-crazy? ). Can you imagine, staying cooped up inside the house all day? We had nothing better to do but play board games and it sucked. Why did that stupid blizzard hav...
by Aurlumen
May 24th, 2011, 12:48 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Opening page of my YA Steampunk novel
Replies: 15
Views: 3613

Re: Opening page of my YA Steampunk novel

I agree with some of the others about the lack of contractions. I think mostly because when the two people speak sometimes they use contractions and sometimes they don't. I'd just pick one way and stay with it throughout. And I also agree about the short paragraphs. It breaks everything too much. I ...
by Aurlumen
May 24th, 2011, 12:03 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 4118

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)

Oh this is much better! Just a few things I would change: She could’ve sworn something had moved in the woods, away from the trail. She ’d heard the faint crack of twigs breaking on the ground, and saw a shadow drift between the trees, but where? She couldn’t pinpoint where exactly the movement had ...
by Aurlumen
May 23rd, 2011, 11:39 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Horror of Hayesfield- first 2900
Replies: 2
Views: 1029

Re: Horror of Hayesfield- first 2900

Hiya! I know you posted this a few weeks ago but I figure a reply won't hurt lol. Okay so you even warned me about the switching back and forth between him writing in the journal but I was still confused when I came across it. I think the reason it might be that way is because when he's writing in h...
by Aurlumen
April 20th, 2011, 10:55 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 4118

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/20)

I suppose you have a point there. ;) It's not distracting to the point where I wouldn't read farther... it just temporarily makes me forget that there's something going on.
by Aurlumen
April 20th, 2011, 6:20 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 4118

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/20)

I like how the excerpt begins with something happening. Right off the bat the main character has noticed something that is out of place and should not be there. Also after reading this I'm not getting that this has any fantasy elements in it, though it could. But if it doesn't then it makes me not b...
by Aurlumen
November 5th, 2010, 5:55 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Samantha Stokes and The Fantastical Journey
Replies: 9
Views: 2992

Re: Samantha Stokes and The Fantastical Journey

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are certain days when it’s best not to get out of bed in the morning. Some days it’s better if you pull the covers up over your head, tell the world, “no way!” No* and go back to sleep. But, the problem is you never know if this a* day day is one of those days ...
by Aurlumen
November 5th, 2010, 4:17 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: 1st page, YA Dystopia (THE LAICOS PROJECT)
Replies: 9
Views: 2963

Re: 1st page, YA Dystopia (THE LAICOS PROJECT)

I realize this post is a few weeks old but I just wanted to say you did a good job of grabbing my interest! (And considering how picky I am with intros to stories and such, I think this is a very good thing ;] ) I like the 'hook' of the first sentence and particularly this other sentence "Blaine's b...
by Aurlumen
November 5th, 2010, 4:15 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt - The End Begins - Science Fiction/Fantasy
Replies: 4
Views: 1825

Re: Excerpt - The End Begins - Science Fiction/Fantasy

I feel like the first sentence would read better if it said "Something large and mechanical went bang." The sound stirred the female student like a startled sleeping beast [I feel like 'stirred' creates the image that she awoke slowly or in a calm state. You can just say she was startled awake and b...