Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hello! I got such great feedback on my query attempt I decided to submit my 1st page as well. Clunky or unclear prose? Telling vs. showing? Boring or cliche? Would you turn the page? Any comments, suggestions, etc. welcome. Thanks for taking a look, and I'll be happy to return the review! *** Ravene...

Title: Madhavan Genre: Fantasy 251 words Ravenel ran, and it seemed as if the land itself was trying to stop her. Vines hidden in the ankle-length grass snagged her black robes, grasping like fingers. Thorns needled into the flesh of her bare feet. She didn’t slow. Behind her, hounds barked and sold...

Heya Shadow, I thought this was overall a pretty smooth read. I didn't have a lot to rip apart, but I did have some comments. Overall, I liked the descriptions, there was little tell vs. show, and the dialogue was good. Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to t...

Hi Amanda, Thanks for sharing your work. This type of fantasy is the kind I like to read, so you post caught my attention. I think you have a decent start, and I would read more. I think the biggest place for improvement is the setting. Consider describing the moon paths. Since they characters seem ...

Thanks to all who offered their their thoughts and suggestions. It helped me get out of the trees so I could better see the forest!

Hi, Thanks for reviewing my query—I your comments were very helpful! Here to return the favor. I think you have a very nice query and if I was an agent, I’d ask for some pages of the novel. I do have some thoughts on how it could be improved. Of course, others might disagree completely, and like I s...

Hello and thanks for taking a look. I'd appreciate any feedback, good or bad. If you'd like me to critique your query, just let me know or send it to me in a message and I'd be happy to offer my thoughts. Sept 29 update: My updated draft is at the end of the thread. Oct 28 update: New draft at end o...

Hi Ellie Ann, From your query, it sounds like you have a great story-- a quest adventure that tests the friendship of the characters, and with more sinister dangers before them and behind! I think your query could be refined though. It seemed like you introduced too many things, and they didn't alwa...

Hi Jaligard, I’m a newbie here, though for what it’s worth I’ve reviewed queries on other websites and am working on my own. I know condensing a 95,000+ word story into a 250 word synopsis is a daunting task to put it nicely. I hope you find some of my comments below helpful. Born blind, the street ...