Search found 31 matches

by ABFTomioka
November 18th, 2010, 9:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Question About Query
Replies: 3
Views: 667

Re: Question About Query

I think plot point number one is the winner! Protagonist was left with Aunt by mother for 4 years, mother returns and acts as if nothing happens. Mother has many boyfriends and has had three divorces. Therefor protagonist doesn't want to end up like mother, although protagonist looks just like mothe...
by ABFTomioka
November 18th, 2010, 1:32 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Running in Flip-Flops - Back for More!!! (Page 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 2518

Re: Running in Flip-Flops - Back for More!!! (Page 2)

And here they are! Two query ideas....which one do you think is best? I appreciate any suggestions for more revision! (Older) Version 1: Shannon Wheaton has no running water or electricity, and that’s the easy part. When she arrives in Senegal as a young Peace Corps Volunteer, Shannon is blazing wit...
by ABFTomioka
November 3rd, 2010, 8:35 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Romance Query: COVET *Revision 3 posted (4.5.11)*
Replies: 19
Views: 3692

Re: Romance Query: COVET

I LOVE the idea for this novel! It is absolutely the kind of thing I would buy - a classic story retold with a twist. Really fantastic! The query is great, too. I only have a couple of suggestions: Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were...
by ABFTomioka
October 25th, 2010, 10:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (Newer Draft on page 2)
Replies: 15
Views: 3284

Re: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (second attempt)

Hello! I loved this idea when I first read it, and I like your query even better now. This is definitely an eye-catching book and I can't wait to read it in print! The letter is great, I think. I only have a couple nitpicky suggestions: Tessa is young, talented, and blind. She walks alongside the ca...
by ABFTomioka
October 25th, 2010, 1:55 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN -- Revision No. 1
Replies: 12
Views: 2437

Re: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN

Whoa - first of all, I LOVE this idea! It's incredibly creative and I can tell even in this brief query that you have some wonderfully quirky characters. This is something I would absolutely read just because it sounds so fun. I only have a few ideas for your query: Charlie wants what any man wants:...
by ABFTomioka
October 25th, 2010, 1:34 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: When the Sun rises- Adult fiction
Replies: 3
Views: 754

Re: When the Sun rises- Adult fiction

Hello! I think you have a great idea in the works here. It's a common story for people, I think, and women especially; getting what they think they want yet somehow feeling it wasn't what they truly wanted after all. Anyway, I have a few suggestions for your query: Christine Longman has been toiling...
by ABFTomioka
October 12th, 2010, 2:20 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Meant To Be---another new version
Replies: 61
Views: 8025

Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

Hello! First of all, I LOVE the premise of this book. The characters sound great and they have a beautiful story to tell, one that many of us can relate to, I think. Also I like how short and to-the-point your query is. It gives all the information we need in a clear way that also hints at the story...
by ABFTomioka
October 5th, 2010, 8:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Speculative Sci/Fan Query - FREE TO FORGIVE
Replies: 12
Views: 2108

Re: Speculative Sci/Fan Query - FREE TO FORGIVE

Hello there! Wow - you have some really big ideas in this book. I'm intregued by the idea of a society where ALOs and people live together, but not equally. It's definitely interesting and has a lot of appeal. I do have a few suggestions for your query, though: Yora Garver is devastated when her par...
by ABFTomioka
October 1st, 2010, 1:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Swayed
Replies: 6
Views: 1228

Re: Query: Swayed

Hello! I really like this query, and your story sounds fast-paced and exciting. Nice work! I only have a few suggestions of how it may read better: A secret society wants seventeen-year-old Caleb Dunnelly dead. Here he’s been minding his own business for all his life, when a brotherhood called Libra...
by ABFTomioka
September 28th, 2010, 2:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Preacher's Blood Query attempt
Replies: 7
Views: 1139

Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Hello! This sounds like an exciting story, but scary! It will definitely appeal to people who like a thrilling read. I only have a few suggestions for your query, though it does a good job so far telling just enough of the story to hook the reader. Gavin Preacher can't make peace with his sister's d...
by ABFTomioka
September 28th, 2010, 1:52 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: FADING GREY - A Paranormal Romance Query
Replies: 11
Views: 1834

Re: FADING GREY - A Paranormal Romance Query

Hello there! I really like the premise of your story - it's exciting, with built-in conflict, but has a relatable main character. You do a good job capturing these elements in your query letter, and it's really short and sweet, which is wonderful. I just have a couple suggestions for you: Anna’s vam...
by ABFTomioka
September 21st, 2010, 1:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Running in Flip-Flops - Back for More!!! (Page 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 2518

Re: Running in Flip-Flops - Third Draft on page 2

Thank you very much for your thoughtful comments. All your advice is extremely helpful! I'm going to rework this one rather later, I think; want to tweak some things in my manuscript first. But I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment. It helps so much to see through someone e...
by ABFTomioka
September 16th, 2010, 11:13 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY- YA Mystery- Mad as a Hatter
Replies: 30
Views: 4061

Re: QUERY- YA Mystery- Mad as a Hatter

Hello! This looks like a spine-tingling story. How much fun! I have a few suggestions for your query below: London, 1882. Kidnapped as a child, Emil Aleric and his mother survived. The rest of the family didn't. These sentances are shocking, but I don't think they read so well together...Maybe make ...
by ABFTomioka
September 16th, 2010, 10:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: I'm A Nobody, newest on page four
Replies: 34
Views: 5601

Re: I'm A Nobody, Revised shorter version after rejections

Hello! This sounds like a great book, with a fun, fast-paced story. I hope you get some interest soon!! Dominic Taylor can open locked doors with a touch, (if you're gonna use "and," I'd like to see a third awesome skill listed) and pass by cameras without being seen. You might mention here whether ...
by ABFTomioka
September 16th, 2010, 10:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Running in Flip-Flops - Back for More!!! (Page 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 2518

Re: Running in Flip-Flops - Third Draft

Hello again! Thank you, thank you everyone for your wonderful comments! It's so hard to write a query letter that gives just enough detail, but not too much. I hope this third version is a little better... **** Shannon Wheaton arrives in Senegal as a young Peace Corps volunteer, blazing with determi...