Nathan Bransford - The Forums

OK, So how is this? Dear [Agent name], Desmoree Shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks more than a spell of protection; it awakens her dormant fairy abilities and reveals her to the eyes of the seers. Desmoree is transported to the fairy wo...

Here is my latest attempt. Again, feel free to be completly brutal. Dear Agent Desmoree shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks the spell of protection, revealing her to the seers, and awakening her dormant fairy abilities. After a man flies...

Thanks Quill,

I will look at your suggestions and post another revision soon.

Happy Inking
RebeccaB

Thanks again Quill, I did originally wish to call them faries, but i am getting alot of negative response to the unusual spelling. I always associate fairy with little girls story books, but if it is distracting and looks like a spelling error i might have to change it. I have used your suggestions ...

Thanks Quill,

Your evaluation will really help with my rewrite.

Happy Inking
RebeccaB

Ok, I know i am supposed to wait for replies, but i have been working on version 23 of my query letter and i would really appreciate a fresh perspective. Most importantly i would like to know if i am headed in the right direction or if one of the previous attempts were better suited. Dear Agent Afte...

OK, this is a new option for the first paragraph, let me know what you think. Desmoree Shale thought life as a fashion photographer was full of excitement. But waking up in the morgue and being flown by a farie to the hidden world her mother grew up in was where the real excitement began. Too long? ...

Thanks JD, adamg73, and elfspirit, I have taken all your suggestions and i have also looked at the query template Nathan has on his blog. I was trying to write it without the use of a guide so structured, but i think in order for my query to read well i will have to use it. So here we go again, Dear...

I completely agree with splitting the book. If, and ONLY if you have a solid point you could end it without it feeling like you just stopped writing. This query does need a lot of work, but the story sounds interesting. so when you are ready to try again, i would be happy to take a look. Happy Inkin...

Hi Krista, I The 2046 International Biomedia Conference is the most celebrated event for high school students on the planet. But when Seth receives an invitation to attend, the last thing he wants to do is celebrate. This is good, it's clear and sets the scene well. Seth hates biomedia, especially h...

OK,i have another rewrite after some suggestions from my writer friend HeatherB, Let me know what you like and what doesn't work. I am open to all suggestions. Let rip. Dear (Agent) Desmoree Shale thought life as a fashion photographer was full of excitement, but it was after waking up in the morgue...

Thank you all for your replies, I have taken them all into consideration and i will now post my updated version. Again feel free to give me all you got. Dear (Agent) Desmoree Shale thought life as a fashion photographer was full of excitement, but it was after waking up in the morgue and being flown...

Hi, The title grabbed me instantly. "Seventeen-year-old Sara Charles is clumsy, shy to the point of passing out and has carefully avoided people her entire life. In the middle of her junior year of high school she discovers there's a reason for her void life--she's cursed. I like that she is c...

Hi, I really enjoyed your query, The use of Left-Hander as a character name seemed a little awkward, and took several reads to get used to. I think you are using it as a reference to the hand of the devil, but i wonder if a more strait forward name would flow better. Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans wi...

Hi guys, I am finally having a crack at this query thing. So, let rip and give me all you got. Dear (Agent) Desmoree Shale thought life as a fashion photographer was full of surprises, but waking up in the morgue and being flown to a hidden world by a man who could bench press a forklift was never a...