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LOL, yeah, I think the general consensus is to give that first sentence the ax. I am going to re-write it with more description. I thought calling the path "stark" would tell folks that it was bright against the darkness. The path is glowing, so to see down it would be like trying to see down the ro...
I totally agree with you.
sierramcconnell wrote:The thing that gets me is the first sentance is just a huge run on that makes me glaze. I'm in glaze-search mode, though, so that might be why I'm pointing it out. It's like you're giving me an essay. And it doesn't entice me to read. I hope that helps a little?
Hi Shadow, The re-written part is looking good. Learning how to spot telling and using passive voice is hard to do. It is definitely a learning process and something I'm still working on myself. Janice Hardy's blog has helped me tremendously, especially her posts on tell vs. show. This is a really g...
- September 17th, 2010, 12:45 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
- Replies: 26
- Views: 7393
Hi Jade, I think everyone is making good points. You're on the right track. It just needs to be tightened up some more. This is my take on it. CHAPTER ONE The sound of big telling signal crunching leaves sent Aaron Knight into a crouch behind a tree, a rush of adrenaline chasing away the morning chi...
Hi guys, thanks for the feedback. I'm still new to the forum so I don't know if there is a way to reply to folks individually. I think you both made some very good points, exactly the stuff I was thinking about myself. I'm going to work on this a bit more and re-post.
Hi Shadow. Let's see what I can point out for you. Over all, I think it is pretty good. Start to Chapter 4 Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to the Lassertian s "s doom and our victory!” Warriors raised their mugs into the air, roaring. “To Gabriel, Our one...
I've been coming across a lot of literary blogs these days that talk about the importance of the first 250 words to catch the attention of a reader and an agent. What do you guys think of this as an intro? Is the POV focused enough, does it flow well, does it make you want to read more, is there eno...
- September 16th, 2010, 10:42 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: MAGE STORM, YA Fantasy Novel
- Replies: 4
- Views: 1128
I think this is very interesting and the beginning of a good story. This first paragraph, though, is very clunky and heavy. It comes across as a lot of he said, she said. It feels like an info dump. The rest is really good. Rell jumped to his feet when his sister brought the water jug around. He was...
- September 16th, 2010, 10:35 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: The Sorcerer - adult horror novel
- Replies: 11
- Views: 2474
I think it is an interesting beginning and I would like to see where you go with it. There is, though, a lot of telling and not showing. The key markers of telling are "be"verbs, as, to, when, in, etc. There is a great post on Janice Hardy's blog here http://storyflip.blogspot.com/2010/04/re-write-w...
- June 21st, 2010, 11:21 am
- Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
- Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
- Replies: 720
- Views: 308401
Title: Splintered Kingdomes: Change Storm Genre: YA Fantasy 246 words A high, piercing shriek broke Dell's dream. He fell out of bed landing on the hard wooden floor. The shriek didn’t stop. He could hear his family yelling in alarm through the thin walls of the room; running footsteps from the next...