Search found 31 matches

by SariBelle
February 18th, 2015, 12:58 am
Forum: Connect With a Critique Partner
Topic: YA Urban Fantasy CP
Replies: 1
Views: 2170

YA Urban Fantasy CP

Hi all, I'm looking for one or two critique partners (ideally the three of us would all work together!) for my YA urban fantasy. I've included a description at the bottom of the post. I've been writing for around eight years and I work in the publishing industry. The genres I feel confident critiqui...
by SariBelle
February 1st, 2013, 12:38 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: CLOCKWORK IN E MINOR (fantasy)
Replies: 5
Views: 1679

Re: CLOCKWORK IN E MINOR (fantasy)

Hi MegSue, I think you've already been given a lot of good advice from the other commenters, but I'll see if I can add anything new! I love how strongly the voice comes across in your query but, as has been mentioned above, it does need to be shortened. I'm also a bit confused at the fantasy nature ...
by SariBelle
February 1st, 2013, 12:14 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA QUERY
Replies: 5
Views: 2600

Re: YA QUERY

I think Clareapparent has covered this off pretty well, but I'll give it a go! I think you have an interesting premise here, but it gets bogged down in detail (in one version) and lost in vague language in the other. A good basis for query structure is: hook sentence, scene setting sentence, choice/...
by SariBelle
January 31st, 2013, 11:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Contempary Query
Replies: 2
Views: 1023

Re: YA Contempary Query

Since I'm a sucker for horses, I love this story already. I've put my thoughts in red. :) Seventeen-year-old Natalie Miller is as good as dead. I found this first line a bit confusing. I thought she was already dying. Maybe rephrase to something like 'Natalie Miller might as well be dead.'? At least...
by SariBelle
January 31st, 2013, 11:27 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Fantasy Query
Replies: 1
Views: 874

YA Fantasy Query

This is my torture query for a YA fantasy, which I'm hoping is now in its final stage of revision. Would love and hugely appreciate any feedback/critiques! Dani Strider knows how to be invisible, survive alone in the wilderness, listen in on someone else’s thoughts, and how to kill a man in 42 diffe...
by SariBelle
January 31st, 2013, 11:20 pm
Forum: Connect With a Critique Partner
Topic: Looking for a couple of CPs who write YA Fantasy
Replies: 1
Views: 3442

Looking for a couple of CPs who write YA Fantasy

Hi there, I'd like to get a little CP group going with two to three other writers in the genre of YA fantasy (all subgenres). It would be great if we were all around the same skill level/place in the writing & publishing journey. I've been writing for around five years and I intend to (finally) star...
by SariBelle
April 23rd, 2011, 12:10 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
Replies: 20
Views: 3473

Re: REDDO: New format for YA Urban Fantasy

Hi Allie, this sounds like a really interesting story. I'd definitely want to read more. Eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan always hoped she had a true love. Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, says he can tell her if she has one. I think this first line is lacking the tension of this situation. The next...
by SariBelle
April 22nd, 2011, 11:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Blood Legacy - YA Query REVISED x1
Replies: 6
Views: 1221

Re: Blood Legacy - YA Query

Thanks everyone for your comments. You're all very helpful! @dms: Ugh.. I noticed the 'that' thing too after posting here and forgot to change it! Thanks for pointing it out. And I'm glad you like the last line :) @Jesse: Thanks for your in-depth comments, Jesse. You've given me a lot to think about...
by SariBelle
April 21st, 2011, 9:22 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: NOCTURNAL, psychological thriller
Replies: 6
Views: 1250

Re: NOCTURNAL, psychological thriller

Hi Dale, I'm not a big reader of thrillers but hopefully I can help. I think your premise sounds interesting but I think the query could use a little tightening. Here are my thoughts: Dear (agent name here): When FBI profiler Reardon Meeks goes to Albuquerque to help find a serial killer, clues left...
by SariBelle
April 21st, 2011, 9:11 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query TORN YA sci fi
Replies: 6
Views: 1297

Re: Query TORN YA sci fi

I think a lot of this query (especially the first para) is very strong. It could do with a little bit of tweaking though. Overall, I would want to read more. Dear Super Star Agent: Sixteen year old Julia Phillips buries herself in guilt after killing her best friend Monica in a car accident. Julia a...
by SariBelle
April 21st, 2011, 8:38 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Blood Legacy - YA Query REVISED x1
Replies: 6
Views: 1221

Blood Legacy - YA Query REVISED x1

While trying to write my last query letter I realised my story needs to be revised in a whole new direction. I've rewritten the query from scratch with the new direction in mind. I'm still struggling with length. Please don't be afraid to be brutal. I need it. Update: After receiving some feedback, ...
by SariBelle
March 12th, 2011, 9:13 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Blood Legacy - YA Fantasy REVISED
Replies: 21
Views: 3640

REVISED Re: Query: Blood Legacy - YA Fantasy

Revised queries Thanks everyone, for your comments and advice! I really appreciate you all taking the time to read and comment. I haven't forgotten about you, I've just been rewriting chapter one so the query has been on the backburner. I've tried cutting bits & rewriting the previous version of th...
by SariBelle
March 12th, 2011, 8:52 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: FYI You guys are AWESOME!
Replies: 10
Views: 1499

Re: FYI You guys are AWESOME!

Congrats Barbara! It's awesome news =D

Which version of your query did you use when you got the request?
by SariBelle
February 28th, 2011, 10:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Lodestar query first go (new version posted)
Replies: 10
Views: 1873

Re: Lodestar query first go

Hey Steph, Good on you for starting on the query process. I just wrote my first one too. Dear [agent name], Into each hero’s life a star must fall. Too bad those heroes don’t know this when they’re born. I actually preferred your original opening line, although I agree with others about changing the...
by SariBelle
February 21st, 2011, 4:42 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Born to Bondage query II
Replies: 23
Views: 4053

Re: Born to Bondage query II

Hey GaoYuQing, I won't do a line by line because others have already done a good job of that and it sounds like this isn't your current version anyway. I just thought I'd point out this quote from Query Shark ( from this post, near the bottom ): ...start over with the query template I've described i...