Search found 50 matches

by CoachMT
April 15th, 2010, 6:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 3000

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

Would a semi-colon work for the "Like" sentence? Or maybe a comma? Despite the headaches, and the need to unravel his own mystery, he uses this gift to help people he encounters; like a demure farm girl in an abusive relationship, a black market "Robin Hood" pharmacy, and a spunky female rookie cop...
by CoachMT
April 14th, 2010, 4:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)
Replies: 14
Views: 3000

Re: Black Hole Son (New Approach) (Draft 2)

Technically, the "Like" sentence isn't a sentence. It's a fragment so you probably want to change it. I don't see that you need to embellish about the agents. I don't think they are pivotal to your query. Obviously they are a part of the story, but they don't add to the query. Maybe add the word "my...
by CoachMT
April 14th, 2010, 10:45 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Disobedient Chapter. Help edit please
Replies: 9
Views: 1711

Re: Disobedient Chapter. Help edit please

I'd echo the comments above. I can't picture where the action is taking place. Let's look at your first several lines: “AAUUUGGHHH!” I awoke with a start. The Charlie Brown imitation was coming from the corridor, followed by other various complaints. Down the hall, the washer clunked. I opened the d...
by CoachMT
April 11th, 2010, 9:51 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?
Replies: 14
Views: 2732

Re: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?

I agree with Stardog that this first section you've posted seems rushed. It was hard to get the scene established in my mind. I also agree with the others that you probably want an MC who is a little older if the tone of the story is dark like you say. Even 14 or 15 would probably be better. Just my...
by CoachMT
April 6th, 2010, 6:00 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy
Replies: 8
Views: 1617

Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Blinking did not make the darkness lighter. Reaching out, I felt the damp roughness of sandstone as little bits of earth flaked off. When I stepped forward the water around my bare legs lapped softly against the wall. The gentle sound faded into the darkness . My heart pounded uncomfortably, and a ...
by CoachMT
April 5th, 2010, 11:21 am
Forum: Town Hall
Topic: FORUM NEOPHYTE
Replies: 14
Views: 5515

Re: FORUM NEOPHYTE

There are some html "tags" buttons right above where you enter your text in your post. To change color, you select the text you want to have a different color, then click the "font colour" button and pick a color. Same goes for quoting, bolding, italics etc.

Hope that helps!
by CoachMT
April 3rd, 2010, 12:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Gilded Wings
Replies: 25
Views: 4171

Re: QUERY: FEATHERS (YA -Fantasy-Romance)

For seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers, finding her boyfriend Tristan chained to her driveway was not part of the plan. I've read this thread a few times and haven't commented, but since no one else has mentioned this, I thought I would: How in the world does someone get "chained to a driveway"? Sec...
by CoachMT
March 31st, 2010, 5:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Book of the Watchers-revised
Replies: 9
Views: 1452

Re: Book of the Watchers-query

I'll have a go, but these are just my opinions : ) When an ancient Native American curse that trapped a soulless sorceress in the Dream Realm resurfaces in modern-day small town Silver City, NM, 17 year-old SARA CHARLES finds her hollow life condemned to torturous dreams and a conscious existence in...
by CoachMT
March 30th, 2010, 9:54 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page Revision? - SftOS
Replies: 14
Views: 2242

Re: First Page Revision? - SftOS

You have an excellent beginning here, but I have to say, I have no idea what
Sincerity. Four taps of the tongue, once around; simple and clean. It was the lesson my grandmother taught me when I got my first Gucci bag.
means : )

That aside. Good stuff.
by CoachMT
March 26th, 2010, 5:46 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS
Replies: 11
Views: 2586

Re: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS

Okay, that makes sense. I guess the thing that threw me with her not knowing was his statement about lying to her for two and a half years. I was assuming that he referred to the game so that's where I was coming from with it. As far as the other stuff, my vocabulary just increased by two. Ignorance...
by CoachMT
March 26th, 2010, 3:56 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS
Replies: 11
Views: 2586

Re: First 5 pages - MEETING OF THE WATERS

I play computer games and WoW, but I'm unfamiliar with "leitmotif" and "loa" ... so I'm assuming a large portion of the potential audience isn't going to understand these terms either. Also, I'd find it hard to believe that his ex-girlfriend wouldn't know he played the game or was this character if ...
by CoachMT
March 17th, 2010, 4:57 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query WARRIOR-MONKS
Replies: 13
Views: 2267

Re: Query WARRIOR-MONKS

The plot really starts when the MC arrives at the reform school.[/b] Here's the clue as to how to cut your novel and help your query at the same time. While the backstory may seem vital and interesting to you, my guess is that it isn't truly necessary to the story. Work some of the major highlights...
by CoachMT
March 10th, 2010, 6:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Speculative Fiction Query REVISED 3/14/10
Replies: 11
Views: 2045

Re: Speculative Fiction Query

Hey guys, I was hoping to get some feedback on my query. I've been working on it for a couple of weeks. If you get a chance, tell me what you think. Since I've reworked this several times, I'm concerned that I may have cut out important information. Also, am I being redundant in the first paragraph...
by CoachMT
March 5th, 2010, 4:47 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Crossing Fate (Contemporary YA)
Replies: 2
Views: 678

Re: Query: Crossing Fate (Contemporary YA)

Congratulations! Best of luck to you!
by CoachMT
February 28th, 2010, 9:57 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Aspen Prodigy (YA scifi) (revised)
Replies: 5
Views: 1284

Re: Query: The Aspen Prodigy (YA scifi)

Dara has an allergy problem – an allergy to the cutest guy at her new boarding school. Maybe she should have done the missionary thing with her parents after all, it couldn’t be worse! But despite the violent ‘no’ vote of her stomach, Dara is intrigued by John’s jubilant attitude. The father of a d...