Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Thanks for looking at my query! Be harsh, I can take it. :-)

Original version (edited version in Comment #3)

Dear Agent,

I've enjoyed your blog for a while (or other personal note) etc.. I’ve completed a 60,000-word YA science fiction novel that I would love for you to consider representing.

Dara has an allergy problem – an allergy to the cutest guy at her new boarding school. Maybe she should have done the missionary thing with her parents after all, it couldn’t be worse! But despite the violent ‘no’ vote of her stomach, Dara is intrigued by John’s jubilant attitude. She can’t help liking him, but she can’t help the frequent barfing either and two school doctors won’t leave her alone. Tricked into an innocent ‘eye test,’ Dara finds herself auditioning for a dangerous time-travel experiment. On the upside, she finds out about her allergy. On the downside, she finds out John doesn’t want to be more than friends because he’s from the future and too old for her. It’s darned annoying. Beset by eager friends, evil scientists, spiritual doubts, and a ton of schoolwork, Dara and John try to keep other target students out of danger. When John is ripped back to the future and Dara’s friends and family are threatened, the experimenters start in earnest. On the upside, Dara finds out fear is a great spiritual toilet plunger. On the downside, she might have overcome her spiritual blockage in time to say goodbye to her body. No matter what, this guinea pig will give her tormentors more than they bargained for, and find out how far her own faith will take her.

This is my first novel. My story is in the sci-fi style of Margaret Peterson Haddix, with a Christian slant. I have a degree in History and Computer Science and I’m a member of the online writing community at XXXX.com.

Thank you for your consideration,

Author

I'm sorry, but I'm feeling a little confused after reading the query. It's not really clear to me at first that the barfing is an allergy symptom, that would be pretty unusual, and honestly, I find it kind of gross, rather than funny, if it's meant to be funny. What does a dangerous time travel experiment have to do with her finding out about her allergy? Especially if the trick test is for an eye exam and her problem is due to an allergy? She and John try to keep target students out of danger --from whom or what and why? A great spiritual toilet plunger? The tone is not even, eg. when John is ripped back to the future and Dara's friends and family are threatened - the tone is quite dark and serious. It's darned annoying - pretty light in tone.

I think I would advise you to go to Nathan's blog page and find the query formula and try plugging in the information for your novel and build on that.

This is just my opinion, of course. Others might not agree. Good luck with your story.

corriegarrett wrote:Dara has an allergy problem – an allergy to the cutest guy at her new boarding school. Maybe she should have done the missionary thing with her parents after all, it couldn’t be worse! But despite the violent ‘no’ vote of her stomach, Dara is intrigued by John’s jubilant attitude.

The father of a dear friend of mine once said, "Women are allergic to me... every time I get too close to one, her stomach swells!" I couldn't help but recall this joke when reading the first couple of lines of your query. The allergy, coupled with the reference of "missionary" and her stomach just sent me laughing. Please don't take offense. It was a happy coincidence!

At any rate, I agree with GeeGee, you've got the makings for an interesting story it sounds like, but the paragraph is muddled.

Ouch...yeah, okay. I see what you mean. Here's a different version. More comprehensible?

Edited plot synopsis:

After winning a scholarship to an elite boarding school, Dara finds out she is an unwilling candidate for the dangerous time travel experiments being run there.

She starts to experience strange illness and frightening visions. What is this school doing to her? She feels the absolute worst whenever she's around John, the purpose-driven junior who knows more about the experiments than anyone else. Is it worth getting to know him when he makes her feel so horrible?

Dara tries to protect her friends, but come Spring Break she's ready to flee to her parents. Unfortunately the scientists have time travel on their side so it's hard to take them by surprise. Blocking her flight and locking up her only ally, John, Dara is forced to cooperate in the final experiment. Stripped of everything, even her own body, Dara will prove she is the prodigy they want. And she'll make them wish they'd never found her.

I like this query a lot better. I agree with the previous comments that all the vomiting references were off-putting. Here are a few suggestions; hope they help.

corriegarrett wrote:Ouch...yeah, okay. I see what you mean. Here's a different version. More comprehensible?

Edited plot synopsis:

After winning a scholarship to an elite boarding school, Dara becomes an unwilling participant in the dangerous time travel experiments being run there. You might want to work in that she didn't know about the time travel experiments before she enrolled.

She starts to experience strange illness and frightening visions. This part is unclear to me - does she feel this way before the experiments are run on her? Or after? From the original query, it sounds like her illness is related to John and not linked to the experiments. What is this school doing to her? She feels the absolute worst whenever she's around John, the purpose-driven junior who knows more about the experiments than anyone else. Is it worth getting to know him when he makes her feel so horrible? I like this last addition to the plot synopsis. It adds nice tension to her relationship with John, besides the physical reaction.

Dara tries to protect her friends (from what? from becoming guinea pigs, too?), but come Spring Break she's ready to flee to her parents. Unfortunately the scientists have time travel on their side so it's hard to take them by surprise. Blocking her flight and locking up her only ally, John, [watch the modifier here - it sounds like Dara's blocked her own flight and locked up John] Dara is forced to cooperate in the final experiment. Stripped of everything, even her own body, Dara will prove she is the prodigy [?] they want. And she'll make them wish they'd never found her.

I think Evelyn's comments are spot-on. If you address those, the query will be a lot stronger. My additional comment is if you plan to pitch this to Christian agents, you need to work that element back in, and if you plan to pitch it to non-Christian agents, they might be surprised if Dara's faith is a major component of the book.