Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I've sent out a few queries, but no takers yer. I could use some feedback - thanks - Chris

Meg O’Brien has never been what most people would call normal; from her unusual career choice as a Massage Therapist, to her tendency to come to the aid of those who most people would cross to the other side of the street to avoid.
Meg’s recent heroic exploits have led her down a deadly path when she helps an old friend return her stolen embryos to the infertility clinic. Not even her sexy friend Alex, and his twin sister Celeste will be able to keep her safe this time.
Lately, Meg has been striving to find her independence as well as stretch her artistic wings, much to the bewilderment of her conservative parents and her always stable fiancé, Glen. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to hit Glen over the head with it.
Now Meg must decide who the greater danger is; the mysterious man who is trying to kill her or her friend Alex, with the killer bod.
MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 101,925 word work of Romantic Comedy, and it is my first novel.

Thanks for the feedback

Chris48 wrote:
Meg O’Brien has never been what most people would call normal; from her unusual career choice as a Massage Therapist (this is not a weird career choice to me), to her tendency to come to the aid of those who most people would cross to the other side of the street to avoid. The end of this sentence had my head spinning. I didn't know what you are trying to say at all until I read it a couple of times.
Meg’s recent heroic exploits (too general) have led her down a deadly path when she helps an old friend return her stolen embryos to the infertility clinic. Not even her sexy friend Alex, and his twin sister Celeste will be able to keep her safe this time. Is Celeste a mc? If not, leave her out of this query.

This paragraph has nothing to do with the others. They all seem like different stories. Lately, Meg has been striving to find her independence as well as stretch her artistic wings, much to the bewilderment of her conservative parents and her always stable fiancé, Glen. Fiance? What about sexy Alex? Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to hit Glen over the head with it.
Now Meg must decide who the greater danger is; the mysterious man who is trying to kill her or her friend Alex, with the killer bod. This last sentence has the potential to be a good hook, but the story is all over the place right now and I can't tell what is happening, to who, when, why. It doesn't flow from start to finish. I'm only getting excerpts and it's confusing to tell what the actual storyline is.

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 101,925 (round up word count to nearest thousand) word work of Romantic Comedy, and it is my first novel. Take out the first novel part.

Here's my go. Keep in mind that I don't know the plot or details, but I've pointed out where you could plug some of them in.

Meg O’Brien (age?) wants to spread her artistic wings (include what type of artisitic wings) and find independence from her overly conservative parents who try to dictate her life. (maybe example of why the are conservative?). Meg's fiance, Glen, is no better than her parents and all she has is secret desire to hit him over the head with his baton of reponsibility. (Last sentence is not the greatest hook, you could do better but I hope you get the drift).

To claim herself as a reponsible person, Meg helps an old friend return her stolen embryos to the infertility clinic.
This is where I got stuck. There's nothing that take us from the first paragraph to the third. Insert interesting plot information here! Including sexy Alex info.


Meg must decide who the greater danger is: the mysterious man who is trying to kill her and Alex or Alex himself.

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a complete 102,000 word Romantic Comedy.

I'm not sure this query comes off as a Romantic Comedy. It sounds more 'girl coming into her own with a hint of suspense'. And since Meg is engaged you REALLY need to include something about a break-up or something because infidelity in romance is a pretty much a no-no.

It's a good start, but you need more info to get us from point A to B. Hope this helps!

~JD

I'm just going to give you my thoughts without looking at the other comment. If I repeat what was said, I apologize, but it certainly gives you a good idea of what might not work!

Chris48 wrote:I've sent out a few queries, but no takers yer. I could use some feedback - thanks - Chris

Meg O’Brien has never been what most people would call normal; from her unusual career choice as a Massage Therapist --I don't really think that's an unusual career. There are lots of people who choose that field-- ,to her tendency to come to the aid of those who most people would cross to the other side of the street to avoid. --Awkward phrasing--
Meg’s recent heroic exploits have led her down a deadly path when she helps an old friend return her stolen embryos to the infertility clinic --Infertility? I always thought it was called a fertility clinic. If you changed the name for humorous purposes, just ignore me-- Not even her sexy friend Alex, and his twin sister Celeste will be able to keep her safe this time.
Lately, Meg has been striving to find her independence as well as stretch her artistic wings, much to the bewilderment of her conservative parents and her always stable fiancé, Glen. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. --When you repeat words and/or names this close to each other, it sounds awkward-- But now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to hit Glen over the head with it. --Haha. That's funny--
Now Meg must decide who the greater danger is; the mysterious man who is trying to kill her or her friend Alex, with the killer bod. Wait, wait, wait. What? Where did this come from? I had no inclination until now that there was someone trying to kill her. It seems like you should have at least mentioned that earlier. In fact, somewhere along "deadly path" in the second paragraph would be a good place. I had no idea what you meant by that phrase and now I'm wishing I knew just a tad bit more about this mysterious man.
MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 101,925 word work of Romantic Comedy, and it is my first novel. --No need to mention that. Interesting title, by the way. ;) --

Thanks for the feedback

I like the concept here, but I think you should add a bit more humor to the query if this book really is a Romantic Comedy. Just my two cents. I hope you found them useful! If not, just throw them in the trash. :)

Chris48 wrote:I've sent out a few queries, but no takers yer. I could use some feedback - thanks - Chris

Meg O’Brien has never been what most people define the people who think she's weird, like her parents or her friends, etc. would call normal.; from her unusual career choice as a Here you could name three things about her that make her stand out: i.e. She's a Massage Therapist who sings Opera to her clients while she's working. She sleeps in mud. She looks for vagabonds to save. etc. Massage Therapist, to her tendency to come to the aid of those who most people would cross to the other side of the street to avoid.

I tried the third paragraph here instead:
Lately, Meg has been striving to find her independence as well as stretch her artistic wings, much to the continued (it sounds like they are already bewildered by her) bewilderment of her conservative parents and her always stable fiancé, Glen. Her parents have happily handed off the baton of responsibility to Glen. But now Meg wants to hold that baton herself, and feels a secret desire to hit Glen over the head with it.

Meg’s recent heroic exploits define what they are here "to help her friend return stolen embryos.." have led her down a deadly pathwhen she helps an old friend return her stolen embryos to the infertility clinic. when whatever goes wrong. Not even her sexy friend Alex, and his twin sister Celeste will be able to keep her safe this time.Introduce the mystery man here. i.e., when an unknown cowboy/spaceman, etc. leaves his ax/etc. as his calling card.

Now Meg must decide who the greater danger is; the mysterious man who is trying to kill her or her friend Alex, with the killer bod.

MEG O’BRIEN WEARS A THONG is a 102,000 word work of Romantic Comedy.

Nice Goodbye: i.e., Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hope this is helpful.