Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi all-
Hoping for some much needed input on my query. Open to all suggestions!

Dear Awesome Agent,

Sheriff Cameron Dawson is in trouble. His best deputy has been murdered, people are disappearing, and more are turning up dead. None of the crimes appear to be related, and the people of the small, quiet town of Faith, New Mexico—as well as Cameron’s boss—are demanding answers.

Miles away in Albuquerque, Dr. Kyle Bancroft is seeing, hearing, and dreaming things she can't explain—flashbacks to World War II and an eerie mental hospital with locked doors, empty gurneys, and guttural screams. To make matters worse, A ghostly, green-eyed girl is complicating Kyle’s visions with an urgent message: time is running out.

Each clue will draw Cameron and Kyle closer together, and together they will need to find out whether the voice speaking from the grave is dangerously evil … or will solve all the mysteries that surround them.

SAVAGES OF FAITH is an 83,000-word thriller where forensic science meets paranormal investigation.

----BIO INFO---

Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

I wish I could help you. The query looks great to me; I'd want to read it! The only problem I see if the use of commas before the word

"and." It would be nice if I knew why my new computer wants to double-space this entry. Welcome to Microsniff 7.

Most of this is well-done. The last paragraph mentions a voice from beyond the grave. I assume that is the green-eyed girl, but I think that could be made clearer. Also, the construction of the final sentence is awkward. You might see if you can make the verbs parallel somehow. Maybe: "is dangerously evil ... or the solution to all of the mysteries surrounding them." I'm not sure that is any better, but hopefully you get what I mean.

Yeah... I got nothing. I want to read it. Hurry up and get published already.

That's pretty darned good for a first query! It's tight and pretty much gets right to the point. I've almost got nothing. Almost.

The only thing I might consider is a little tid-bit about the "evil" they are trying to find. Evil just sounds to general. You need to make your story stand out. While you've done an excellent job of that already, I think defining the evil will be the icing on your cake.

Nice work!!

~JD

Interesting, but the query seems somewhat vauge and too brief.
As noted above, I'm confused by the voice beyond the grave. Is that the green-eyed girl? Or is the voice another character?
And, who is the sheriff's boss? Where I live the sheriff is elected by county-wide vote.
Still, it sounds like an interesting story.

Sounds pretty good to me, but I thought most Queries areto include a mini-synopsis?

Hey!

Wow, you sure can write with superglue, a marketable skill for thriller writers, because you know the delicate balance of with-holding facts but giving clues at the same time. You also have distinct voice as well, also a marketable trait for a writer I am told.

One thing that I had a problem was the description of the green-eyed girl. If you were describing a woman that you saw in a restaurant, and you said she had green-eyes, I would think, "she has green eyes;" however, coupled with ghostly, the green-eyed description lends itself in my mind to being a bit monstrous. I don't know what you have planned for the character, but consider the old adage "green with envy." But if you want her to be more ethereal, mysterious, and beautiful, you may want to rethink her description in the query.

I do realize that my colleges did not have the same response to the green-eyed girl, but I just thought you would like to know how one agent might perceive your query. Like I said, great query.

Sincerely,
Lindsay

Wow. Thanks, everyone! I honestly didn't expect all the positive feedback and am thankful for the suggestions. Still open to any other ideas on how to make this better! My main concern was that it may not "pop" enough. What do you think?

This is awesome! You should be able to find an agent with this, I think.

This is really good, I agree with the others.

The only place I see that may need improvement is this paragraph.

Each clue will draw Cameron and Kyle closer together, and together they will need to find out whether the voice speaking from the grave is dangerously evil … or will solve all the mysteries that surround them.

"Each clue" is vague. Your word count is such that you can probably spend a sentence or two expanding on this to make "what draws them together" more vivid and engaging. Oh, and I agree on the other member's suggestion for rewriting the tail end of this paragraph.

Good luck. Interesting and fresh premise.

Thanks very much WriterKitty!

I'm sure it is very well written, but when I read your query I felt like I'd already read the book before.

With my query education, I was taught to tell the whole story for the agent. Use a hook to grab their interest and tell them the story, even the ending. I have received comments from a few agents that stated, "Don't tease me." I could be wrong, of course, because every agent has a different idea of a query letter should present, and it seems to me that they all have their own agenda. Unfortunately, they never tell us what it is.I hope you hit the right agent.

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