Nathan Bransford - The Forums

It has been a while and I hope this one lights a few fires. It ios very hard to find queries for thrillers out there. I have tried to find a way to grab some attention. I hope this works. Thanks in advance for any comments or critiques.

We had thought we were lucky. The attack had broken on the pilings of the bridge. The two motor launches had not slowed as they turned into the channel and had shattered. Now, though, came the second wave and it was overland. The patriotic volunteers had been disillusioned and gone back to their day jobs, with thirty members of the National Guard, eight Deputies, a state agent and Justin Thomas left there was no way they could fight on two fronts.

The plan was not to the Sheriff’s liking but he needed to get up to the front of the landfill. Finally he accepted that Justin could captain his boat. Justin took two snipers and his two law enforcement friends; they headed toward Jacksonville with the cargo that could not fall into the hands of those that had paid for it. If they could not get there they would toss the canisters into the river for later recovery.

Justin Thomas had come to Putnam County with two contracts to do environmental work. Neither worked as it was supposed to and it quickly became apparent that something in Putnam County wasn’t quite ready to be a tourist destination.


ST. JOHNS is a completed 73000 word novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

It is almost impossible from this to decipher what the book is about. You have seemingly constructed a mood piece about the book, but agents will rather want to see at a glance who are the main characters and what is the main conflict. Eschew convolution and embrace straightforward telling and showing.

Furthermore, you will want to write in third person present tense. Joe is an ordinary fellow who one day he finds he has three arms. Becky is not sure she loves him anymore.

Not Joe had thought he was not an un-ordinary fellow until one day he had found...

It has to read like popcorn.

We had thought we were lucky. The attack had broken on the pilings of the bridge. The two motor launches had not slowed as they turned into the channel and had shattered. Now, though, came the second wave and it was overland. The patriotic volunteers had been disillusioned and gone back to their day jobs, with thirty members of the National Guard, eight Deputies, a state agent and Justin Thomas left there was no way they could fight on two fronts.

The plan was not to the Sheriff’s liking but he needed to get up to the front of the landfill. Finally he accepted that Justin could captain his boat. Justin took two snipers and his two law enforcement friends; they headed toward Jacksonville with the cargo that could not fall into the hands of those that had paid for it. If they could not get there they would toss the canisters into the river for later recovery.

Justin Thomas had come to Putnam County with two contracts to do environmental work. Neither worked as it was supposed to and it quickly became apparent that something in Putnam County wasn’t quite ready to be a tourist destination.

I have absolutely no idea what this book is about. None whatsoever. You need to read this aloud through the eyes of someone who isn't in your head, and who doesn't know what this is about. This doesn't make me want to read the book, it completely confuses me.

ST. JOHNS is a completed 73000 word novel.
But what kind of novel is it?
Thank you for your time and consideration.

You just can't do this. This is not a query letter. I don't know what to call it. A tidbit? A piece from the actual novel? Go to queryshark.blogspot.com and read through the archives. That'll really come in handy. Right now, this query letter is never going to work.