Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Revision fatigue. I haz it.

Thus, I'll distract myself with the literary equivalent of hitting your thumb with a hammer so one stops noticing the headache. Also known as the query letter.

I've got two opening lines I'm trying to decide between, then onto the rest of the query. Pick, choose, suggest, revise, taunt, maim...I'll take whatever you got.

1) "The problem with inner demons is that they're always trying to gnaw their way out."

2) "Death is just the beginning. Yeah, go f*** yourself." [It's a line from fairly early in the first chapter]

Lily, a foul-mouthed Gilman Street gutter-punk, didn't think her life meant anything - until it was taken from her. Now a walking embodiment of death, her presence invokes fear and revulsion in everyone she meets. Faced with the slow-burn insanity of endless rejection and hunger, Lily is beginning to consider just surrendering to her gift. After all, what good is a conscience when the future offers nothing but isolation and regret?

The rape and murder of a 15-year old runaway under her informal protection gives Lily an excuse to turn the monster inside of her loose, sending her on a hunt from the suburban glory of San Jose to the forgotten corners of California's Central Valley. Meanwhile, a very different kind of predator picks up the same scent - SFPD Inspector Janice Middlebrook, whose quixotic search for meaning amid the ashes of countless homicide investigations is slowly eroding the barrier between dedication and obsession.

Lily's brief, violent encounter with Jacob, the emotionally abused son of a drug-addled preacher, unexpectedly rekindles her fading desire for human contact, and his long-abandoned hopes for freedom. That he even tolerates her presence, let alone seeks it out, doesn't bode well for either.

As Lily and Janice unwittingly close in on the same prey, their single-minded determination triggers a series of bloody confrontations that force each to choose between surrendering to an empty future, or planting a few crosses of their own.

SHADOWPLAY, a dark urban fantasy, is complete at 107,000 words. It stands alone. A sequel is in progress.




Thanks in advance for taking a look-see.

1) "The problem with inner demons is that they're always trying to gnaw their way out."

2) "Death is just the beginning. Yeah, go f*** yourself." [It's a line from fairly early in the first chapter]

Lily, a foul-mouthed Gilman Street gutter-punk, didn't think her life meant anything - until it was taken from her. Now a walking embodiment of death, her presence invokes fear and revulsion in everyone she meets. Faced with the slow-burn insanity of endless rejection and hunger, Lily is beginning to consider just surrendering to her gift. After all, what good is a conscience when the future offers nothing but isolation and regret?

The rape and murder of a 15-year old runaway under her informal protection gives Lily an excuse to turn the monster inside of her loose, sending her on a hunt from the suburban glory of San Jose to the forgotten corners of California's Central Valley. Meanwhile, a very different kind of predator picks up the same scent - SFPD Inspector Janice Middlebrook, whose quixotic search for meaning amid the ashes of countless homicide investigations is slowly eroding the barrier between dedication and obsession.

Lily's brief, violent encounter with Jacob, the emotionally abused son of a drug-addled preacher, unexpectedly rekindles her fading desire for human contact, and his long-abandoned hopes for freedom. That he even tolerates her presence, let alone seeks it out, doesn't bode well for either.

As Lily and Janice unwittingly close in on the same prey, their single-minded determination triggers a series of bloody confrontations that force each to choose between surrendering to an empty future, or planting a few crosses of their own.

SHADOWPLAY, a dark urban fantasy, is complete at 107,000 words. It stands alone. A sequel is in progress.

I like your query letter a lot and think it's very effective as is. The book premise and story sound great and are well described. Your query letter definitely made me want to read the manuscript (and hopefully one day I will). My only comment is that you probably don’t need to mention the sequel at this point.

Great stuff! Good luck!

I don't think you need either of the opening lines. I'd open with Lily's introduction, making that first sentence it's own paragraph. It's punchy enough and it gets us to the main character right away.

I'd cut the paragraph about Jacob. It sounds good, but it's a subplot and you want to just get the main conflict out there. Plus, you don't want too many characters mentioned in the query -- it's too much to keep track of.

Also, wouldn't mention a sequel at this point.

Great concept and story. Really grabs you