Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Ms. Rennert,

Rabbit holes aren’t the only way to Wonderland...

The protagonist of THE TRUTH ABOUT RABBIT HOLES soon discovers this in a twisted retelling of Alice in Wonderland. Alice Waters is an orphaned, sixteen year old girl who leads a normal life. She expects her life to stay normal, until her whole world is turned upside-down due to a dare she accepts from a shady school clique. Upon entering a supposedly cursed room in an abandoned inn, Alice finds herself thrown into a world where nothing is normal, especially not the perplexing creature who captured her.

Now, in a strange new Wonderland where she’s to be sold as a pet, Alice has to fight for her freedom. With the help of a few unlikely friends along the way, Alice discovers that the freedom and normalcy of the people in her world rests upon her shoulders. She alone can escape and stop the treacherous Council of Doorways from continuing their wicked plans concerning humans. Because far too many people have been taken, and no one’s been able to return.

I am a young adult fiction writer seeking an agent for my novel, THE TRUTH ABOUT RABBIT HOLES. Upon reviewing your biography on the Andrea Brown Literary Agency website, I believe that you’d be best suited in helping me on this road to publication. I understand that you are interested in representing fantasy novels, and that you appreciate classic fairy tales retold in a new, exciting way. Because of this, I hope you’ll be interested in mine. THE TRUTH ABOUT RABBIT HOLES is a captivating fantasy/adventure romance novel targeting audiences of teenagers and young adults. It’s a completed work at 72,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,
(name)

(address)
(phone #)
(email)

---

As you can probably see, I plan on sending this eQuery to a certain agency. I'm just really worried about whether or not it's acceptable. Is the synopsis too vague? I was going for short and sweet, but I feel like I'm leaving out valuable information. Should I format it differently? I value and need any opinion you might have.

Skyless16 wrote:Dear Ms. Rennert,

Rabbit holes aren’t the only way to Wonderland...

Alice Waters is an orphaned, sixteen year old girl who leads a normal life until her whole world is turned upside-down when she accepts a dare from a shady school clique. Upon entering a supposedly cursed room in an abandoned inn, Alice finds herself thrown into a world where nothing is normal, especially not the perplexing creature who captures her upon entering. Now, in a strange new Wonderland where she’s to be sold as a pet, Alice has to fight for her freedom. With the help of a few unlikely friends along the way, Alice discovers that the freedom and normalcy of everyone in her world rests upon her shoulders. She alone can escape and stop the treacherous Council of Doorways from continuing their wicked plans concerning humans. Because far too many have been taken.

THE TRUTH ABOUT RABBIT HOLES, a twisted retelling of Alice in Wonderland, is a complete 72,000 word young adult fantasy novel. Upon reviewing your biography on the Andrea Brown Literary Agency website, I believe that you’d be best suited in helping me on this road to publication. I understand that you are interested in representing fantasy novels, and that you appreciate classic fairy tales retold in a new, exciting way. Because of this, I hope you’ll be interested in mine.

Sincerely,
(name)

(address)
(phone #)
(email)

---

Ok, I made some changes for you to look at. I believe most agents like you to start with the hook, so I moved your first paragraph to the end. I adjusted it a bit. I also got rid of your last paragraph, I've seen critiques where they say not to offer to send pages to the agent - it's their job, they know to ask for pages It's better to just end with "sincerely" and your contact info.

I recommend looking at the Query Shark. She does really great critiques and edits of queries, I've learned a lot by reading through that blog.

Hope this helps! I think your story sounds great!

Here's a shot at the agent paragraph -- sample wording is in parens:

THE TRUTH ABOUT RABBIT HOLES, complete at 72,000 words, re-envisions Alice in Wonderland ("through the eyes of X" . . . or "in the tunnels of New York City" . . . something catchy, memorable, and 100% specific to your story). I've noted your interest in the young adult fantasy genre, and particularly in classic fairy tales that are (re-told) with (compelling modern/psychological/noire/etc.) twists. For these reasons I believe my manuscript would slot nicely in your list beside (mention one or two related *but not exactly similar* work(s) the agent has sold -- data is available through Publishers Marketplace).


(Good luck! Sounds like a cool project

p.s. For your subject line, try this: QUERY :: The Truth About Rabbit Holes :: YA Fantasy

j

I don't have any constructive criticism to add beyond what has already been stated. However, I did want to say that this sounds like an interesting book. I like the story line and it sounds captivating. Good Luck with your query!

Thanks sooooo much, everything you guys have said so far has been really helpful. I'm gonna apply these changes to my query now.

The last paragraph is fine so I'll focus on the body of the query. I'm trying to simulate what an actual agent would think upon reading this, so I'm reading through quickly and jotting down my instant reactions. I hope this helps.

Rabbit holes aren’t the only way to Wonderland...

It's vague, but it works.

The protagonist of THE TRUTH ABOUT RABBIT HOLES soon discovers this in a twisted retelling of Alice in Wonderland. Alice Waters is an orphaned, sixteen year old girl who leads a normal life. She expects her life to stay normal, until her whole world is turned upside-down due to a dare she accepts from a shady school clique. Upon entering a supposedly cursed room in an abandoned inn, Alice finds herself thrown into a world where nothing is normal, especially not the perplexing creature who captured her.

The first sentence is weird. I'd cut it. Also, she expects her life to stay normal? That's just awkward. Start with her accepting the dare and getting captured and then explain the perplexing creature that captured her. Don't tell me he's perplexing -- show me.

Now, in a strange new Wonderland where she’s to be sold as a pet, Alice has to fight for her freedom. With the help of a few unlikely friends along the way, Alice discovers that the freedom and normalcy of the people in her world rests upon her shoulders. She alone can escape and stop the treacherous Council of Doorways from continuing their wicked plans concerning humans. Because far too many people have been taken, and no one’s been able to return.

This is pretty solid. A bit more detail may help, but this makes me want to read the novel. I've got conflict, a setting, and stakes. If your sample is solid, this could get some requests.

I'm no expert, but I found only a few things I would have added, like something to let the agent know that the full manuscript is readily available upon request. And add something to let them know that you appreciate their spending precious time on you. I think the rest is fine.