Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hunted

In 1705 London, Peter Gray thinks life couldn't get any tougher, until authorities jail him and his family in debtors' prison because of a shady business deal engineered by Lord Banks. Peter escapes and plans to do whatever it takes to release his family from prison and prove Lord Banks a liar and a thief.

Alone and hunted, Peter hones his gambling skills in betting houses while fending off foes with his ingenuity and at last resort, his sword. His gambling luck ensures the financial well-being of his family and pays their rent in prison for a few years.

But the hounds are close and chase him from London. He leaves on a ship bound for a secret destination. The captain confides to him that he intends to recover buried treasure of which every man will receive a share - enough to pay off Peter's family debt. But Peter soon learns several men on board are the henchmen of Lord Banks.

It’s voyage of fights in the night and duels in the glaring sun on the deck of the ship and the machinations of Lord Banks. Only his quick sword and agile mind can clear the way on his quest for justice.

Peter finds out that Lord Banks is the financier of the very ship he is one and he plots a mutiny. When they find the treasure, it takes little persuasion from Peter for the men to take it over. He pays off the family debt and Charleston USA becomes the families new home.

HUNTED is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words.

itobias wrote:Hunted

In 1705 London, Peter Gray thinks life couldn't get any tougher, until authorities jail him and his family in debtors' prison because of a shady business deal engineered by Lord Banks. Peter escapes and plans to do whatever it takes to release his family from prison and prove Lord Banks a liar and a thief.

Alone and hunted, Peter hones his gambling skills in betting houses while fending off foes with his ingenuity and at last resort, his sword. His gambling luck ensures the financial well-being of his family and pays their rent in prison for a few years.

But the hounds are close and chase him from London. He leaves on a ship bound for a secret destination. The captain confides to him that he intends to recover buried treasure of which every man will receive a share - enough to pay off Peter's family debt. But Peter soon learns several men on board are the henchmen of Lord Banks.

It’s voyage of fights in the night and duels in the glaring sun on the deck of the ship and the machinations of Lord Banks. Only his quick sword and agile mind can clear the way on his quest for justice.

Peter finds out that Lord Banks is the financier of the very ship he is one and he plots a mutiny. When they find the treasure, it takes little persuasion from Peter for the men to take it over. He pays off the family debt and Charleston USA becomes the families new home.

HUNTED is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words.

Sounds like an interesting story. However:

1. This is not a query letter; it is a synopsis.

2. Beware of typos; no typos are allowed in a query if maximum effect is to be achieved.

3. Questions and comments:

"His gambling luck ensures the financial well-being of his family and pays their rent in prison for a few years." What does this mean? That they are financially secure in prison? How does this work? What rent?

"shady business deal engineered" "thinks life couldn't get any tougher" "Charleston USA" seem like out of place phrases in a description of a novel taking place in 1705. Yes, I know you are querying in 2013, but I still think it will pay to be less jarring regarding your subject matter.

Furthermore, there was no "USA" in 1705.

Also, why does he think life couldn't get tougher? How is it tough before the adventure begins? What's his situation?

In short you need to provide a teaser, not the entire plot summarized. Always, the goal of the query is to entice the prospective agent to write back, "Send more, send pages!"

Good luck!

I agree with Quill.

The idea sounds interesting but this is not the way to present it to a publisher or agent.

Here's the toughest assignment you'll receive - boil your novel down to a 25 word blurb!

Then, try to find that one moment in the novel that makes a reader care about the Main Character and what he is forced to overcome - that needs to be in the very first paragraph or chapter of the novel.

And, as Quill pointed out, DON'T try to tease the reader as you did with "paying the rent in prison". Does any modern lay reader understand what you're referring to? Probably not.

Your novel is to be written in 21st Century English, BUT you can use some 18th Century English in your dialogue.