Nathan Bransford - The Forums

This is my torture query for a YA fantasy, which I'm hoping is now in its final stage of revision. Would love and hugely appreciate any feedback/critiques!



Dani Strider knows how to be invisible, survive alone in the wilderness, listen in on someone else’s thoughts, and how to kill a man in 42 different ways. What she doesn’t know is why. Her life has always held more questions than answers, but despite grandparents who refuse to discuss the past and a magical gift with a mind of its own, she’s never given up on the search for answers.

When she finds herself plunged into the world of Dereshan, where magic is commonplace and everyone she meets wants to use her, she knows she’s hit gold in her search for answers. She can handle being used – if she gets what she wants in return.

Her dubiously labelled guide Jeran, a canine with an attitude and an agenda of his own, agrees to help Dani navigate the treacherous world of Dereshan – for a price.
Dereshan holds the key to her mother’s murder and her father’s identity but, surrounded on all sides by enemies dedicated to destroying her, allies who are no better than enemies, and two armies intent on tearing the world to pieces, Dani finds herself at the heart of a brewing storm.

As unique in this world as she was on Earth, torn between players with warring agendas, Dani’s choices will determine a whole world’s fate.

I am a graduate of the Post-Graduate Diploma in Publishing and Editing at RMIT University in Melbourne, Australia and I work in the publishing industry at Hardie Grant Books.

Hello! I thought I'd offer some comments on this (in blue). I'm a copywriter and proofreader by trade and I hope this is helpful!

Dani Strider knows how to be invisible, survive alone in the wilderness, listen to someone’s thoughts, and kill a man in 42 different ways. What she doesn’t know is why. Her life has always held more questions than answers. Despite grandparents who refuse to discuss the past and a magical gift with a mind of its own, she’s never given up on the search for answers.

When she finds herself in the world of Dereshan, where magic is commonplace and everyone she meets wants to use her, she knows she’s hit gold in her search for answers. She can handle being used – if she gets what she wants in return. (I’m a simplifier when it comes to sentences, which is why I took out the plunged bit. Also, if magic is commonplace, why does everyone want to use her? Why does her magical gift make her so special, and what is special about it, when magic is commonplace in this world? Maybe commonplace is not a good word for it. You want to imply it’s everywhere and you should also hint to why her magical gift is so special when you first mention it. You describe it as giving Dani all of these abilities suited to a hunter or tracker of some kind, but why are those important skills in this world? Just some questions that popped up while I was reading it. And “hit gold,” is a strange expression. Does this slang apply to her world as well as our own? If not, I would replace it.)

Her dubiously labelled guide Jeran, a canine with an attitude and an agenda of his own, agrees to help Dani navigate the treacherous world of Dereshan – for a price.

Dereshan holds the key to her mother’s murder and her father’s identity but, surrounded on all sides by enemies dedicated to destroying her, allies who are no better than enemies, and two armies intent on tearing the world to pieces, Dani finds herself at the heart of a brewing storm. (What makes him dubiously labeled? And “for a price” is sort of slang again, sort of movie speak. Maybe hint at what he’s getting in return? The last sentence is very wordy. I understand the need to cram everything plot-wise you can into the query, but this needs to be pared down and clarified. All of a sudden there’s a murdered mother and a missing father, and enemies all around her, and allies who act like enemies, and two armies tearing the world to pieces? So much information, I can’t wrap my head around it. I’m still wondering why she’s there and how she got there.)

As unique in this world as she was on Earth, torn between players with warring agendas, Dani’s choices will determine a whole world’s fate. (Hmm, I wasn’t sure when I first started reading the query whether or not she was on Earth to begin with or somewhere else since she has a magical gift. Also, I think some of this needs to be clarified as simply as possible.)

I am a graduate of the Post-Graduate Diploma in Publishing and Editing at RMIT University in Melbourne, Australia and I work in the publishing industry at Hardie Grant Books.

I'm not saying that everything needs to be explained, it doesn't in a query. But I think it should be made a bit more clear overall, and perhaps omit information, like her allies who are sort of like enemies. Maybe you can say she has no one to turn to or no one she can trust. We can learn about these allies later on while reading. We know she has a lot of questions, and I think they should be hinted at, but I don't think you need to lay out everything that stands in her way. I know how frustrating it is to write a query and include all the necessary information, I always begin with several pages before I begin to pare it down. Good luck!