Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I'll try to get some crits down when I get around to it.^_- I'm just inexperienced, anyway this is the current query for story one I'm working with. (For story one of eight.)

Story One

Dear Agent,

In a country torn apart by electromagnetic and nuclear war, biological illness, and a military dictatorship, Brett must make the choice between sending his daughter to a care center for the mentally ill, or hide in the winter wasteland with his family. In his escape into the winter wasteland, he and his friends are chased by child enforcers who want to take them home, however his daughter must use the strength of her will to resist turning into her other personality.

Anna's Nuclear Winter is a relatively uneven paced Adult Fiction novellette complete at 11,500 words. It explores themes of mental illness, nuclear holocaust, parental duty, child soldiers, and unregulated military progress.

Thank you for your time,
Sarah

Sarah:

I'd focus on one story at a time (novella, short story or whatever).

As it's written, the hero of your query is Anna's father and he never gets a name. Start there.

Anna's father Bob escapes into the nuclear winter wasteland with his wife, daughter, and friends to found a new colony just outside the border of the superstate Americom. A prolonged war on Communism and terrorism escalated into World War Three, until Americom is wiped out in a nuclear, biological, and EMP exchange by NYS. (what's NYS? Spell it out and then you can abbreviate it.) NYS wants perfect children, and when Anna's father Bob found out she his daughter was dissociative, he had to make a choice: save his child, (take out the comma) or let her die.

I think that simple rearranging of your sentences makes it better. You have up to 250 words in a query, so add more details if you can.

Sounds a bit like 'Judge Dredd' to me. I like that.

Sort of like this? Also yes! Judge Dred is awesome. I'll probably post the plot outline later.